Help with a situation - need some feedback

[Think About It...]

I don't usually post in this arena. But I wasn't sure where else to put this.

The pwBPD in my life is my husband's ex-wife. My husband shares 50/50 custody of their three daughters (15,13,9). I really do consider her an extended part of my family, and I love her as the Mama to my beautiful stepdaughters. We work very hard on maintaining communication with her while taking into account her mental health issues. I feel like this is the best (and a safe) place to post this question - because "Stayers" know best how to maintain relationships in these unique circumstances. 

Just for informational purposes ~ *I* also certainly suffer from certain Codependent tendencies (and struggle in boundaries).

Situation:

My Oldest Stepdaughter (15) has a softball tournament this weekend in a neighboring town (about 1 1/2 hours away). It's on Saturday (6:30am - 10:00pm) and Sunday (times TBD). My husband has planned on taking her because 1.) it's his custody time and 2.) he's an assistant coach. We've also booked a hotel room for my husband and his daughter to limit the amount of driving (and time wasted)  I'm not going because my son has a Track Meet on Saturday that I'm volunteering all day for.

Mama of course wants to go (and is encouraged to go). Mama has expressed that she can not afford to go unless my husband gives her a ride... she doesn't have gas money to make the trip.

Enters the dilemma.

Part of MY value system is that... I don't think it's appropriate that my husband spend the weekend with another woman, especially share a hotel room.

When my husband told me about the idea, the first reaction that came flying out of my mouth was "NO." That was literally what was said. I said "NO."

He told me that we could talk about it later. (Smart fella knows I usually discuss issues better when I've sat on it awhile) However, I really do think that this first response will also be the one that remains.

Truth of the matter is that my husband usually tries to limit the "alone" time he has with her because she has in the past accused him (to me) of attempting reconcilliation - or has attempted it herself - but it's been about 4 years ago now. She's also going thru a divorce and has recently become single, which is also the [pathological] time that she seems to become more engaged with my husband.  I'm not worried about reconcilliation, I just don't think it's appropriate for a married man and an unmarried woman to be in such close proximities as a hotel room and I would not even consider it myself.

I also don't tell my husband what to do. If I however express that I am absolutely not OK with her staying with him, he does value his marriage very much and will most likely not go against my wishes.

There is a cloud of doubt that sets in though.

I want her to be able to see her daughter play in this tournament.
We have the power to allow that to happen.
He is going anyways.
His daughter is the priority.
I do trust my husband to respect our marriage, even though she does not.

But...

It is also her responsibility to find the means to attend the tournament


I want to be able to navigate these waters without too much backlash. I know that if he tells her "no", we become the reason she can not go. I'm also wrestling the idea of possibly giving/loaning her gas money - however her income is supplemented by child support and the bulk of the financial responsibility of the children already falls on the shoulders of our household.  My husband just gave her $20 last weekend to pay for art supplies for SD's Student Council campaign [that she stated she absolutely could not afford].  So I guess while I have the money to give her, I also don't want to set a precedent where I'm giving a 45-year-old-working-woman-who-also-gets-child-support $40 in gas money to attend her daughter's tournament. I also trust that she probably absolutely does not have the money, even if it is due to her poor budgeting skills. I also think she would respond very well to something along the lines of: "I can understand that you didn't plan for this trip - so I'll give you the $40 this time, but it is the last time, do not consider asking again. It is not my responsibility to help get you there." My husband has set this type of boundary in the past, and she has responded very well.

I also wonder what the response might look like if the answer was just "No." 

I'm still thinking that she'll figure it out - she always does. Or she doesn't really want to go and this is a lovely way to shift blame.

Help? Thoughts?

[DreamGirl]

I don't usually post in this arena. But I wasn't sure where else to put this.

The pwBPD in my life is my husband's ex-wife. My husband shares 50/50 custody of their three daughters (15,13,9). I really do consider her an extended part of my family, and I love her as the Mama to my beautiful stepdaughters. We work very hard on maintaining communication with her while taking into account her mental health issues. I feel like this is the best (and a safe) place to post this question - because "Stayers" know best how to maintain relationships in these unique circumstances. 

Just for informational purposes ~ *I* also certainly suffer from certain Codependent tendencies (and struggle in boundaries).

Situation:

My Oldest Stepdaughter (15) has a softball tournament this weekend in a neighboring town (about 1 1/2 hours away). It's on Saturday (6:30am - 10:00pm) and Sunday (times TBD). My husband has planned on taking her because 1.) it's his custody time and 2.) he's an assistant coach. We've also booked a hotel room for my husband and his daughter to limit the amount of driving (and time wasted)  I'm not going because my son has a Track Meet on Saturday that I'm volunteering all day for.

Mama of course wants to go (and is encouraged to go). Mama has expressed that she can not afford to go unless my husband gives her a ride... she doesn't have gas money to make the trip.

Enters the dilemma.

Part of MY value system is that... I don't think it's appropriate that my husband spend the weekend with another woman, especially share a hotel room.

When my husband told me about the idea, the first reaction that came flying out of my mouth was "NO." That was literally what was said. I said "NO."

He told me that we could talk about it later. (Smart fella knows I usually discuss issues better when I've sat on it awhile) However, I really do think that this first response will also be the one that remains.

Truth of the matter is that my husband usually tries to limit the "alone" time he has with her because she has in the past accused him (to me) of attempting reconcilliation - or has attempted it herself - but it's been about 4 years ago now. She's also going thru a divorce and has recently become single, which is also the [pathological] time that she seems to become more engaged with my husband.  I'm not worried about reconcilliation, I just don't think it's appropriate for a married man and an unmarried woman to be in such close proximities as a hotel room and I would not even consider it myself.

I also don't tell my husband what to do. If I however express that I am absolutely not OK with her staying with him, he does value his marriage very much and will most likely not go against my wishes.

There is a cloud of doubt that sets in though.

I want her to be able to see her daughter play in this tournament.
We have the power to allow that to happen.
He is going anyways.
His daughter is the priority.
I do trust my husband to respect our marriage, even though she does not.

But...

It is also her responsibility to find the means to attend the tournament


I want to be able to navigate these waters without too much backlash. I know that if he tells her "no", we become the reason she can not go. I'm also wrestling the idea of possibly giving/loaning her gas money - however her income is supplemented by child support and the bulk of the financial responsibility of the children already falls on the shoulders of our household.  My husband just gave her $20 last weekend to pay for art supplies for SD's Student Council campaign [that she stated she absolutely could not afford].  So I guess while I have the money to give her, I also don't want to set a precedent where I'm giving a 45-year-old-working-woman-who-also-gets-child-support $40 in gas money to attend her daughter's tournament. I also trust that she probably absolutely does not have the money, even if it is due to her poor budgeting skills. I also think she would respond very well to something along the lines of: "I can understand that you didn't plan for this trip - so I'll give you the $40 this time, but it is the last time, do not consider asking again. It is not my responsibility to help get you there." My husband has set this type of boundary in the past, and she has responded very well.

I also wonder what the response might look like if the answer was just "No." 

I'm still thinking that she'll figure it out - she always does. Or she doesn't really want to go and this is a lovely way to shift blame.

Help? Thoughts?

[momtario]

Could she not ask another parent from the team for a ride?

This is a situation that would make almost anyone very uncomfortable, DG, and I think you have laid out your thoughts and boundaries about this very well. 

If your r/s with her is as good as it generally sounds like it is, then just tell her that you hope she can find a way to go, but as DSD and DH are spending the night, she will have to hitch a ride with with someone else, who is returning that night, or get her own room. I do not think that what you are asking is in any way unreasonable.

[Rilian]

That's definitely something that would make me uncomfortable if I was in that situation, borderline or not.  I think that sharing a hotel is a bad idea no matter what.  However, giving money is up to you and what kind of boundaries you want to set.  Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to make sure she makes it to the tournament, so don't feel obligated. 

[jessicapuppy]

If his ex was going too, could you not cancel the hotel stay all together, and share the driving between them, to make it less tiring?

JP
x

[DreamGirl]

Could she not ask another parent from the team for a ride?

Loved this idea! (Didn't even think of it)

Thank you for the validation MTO and Rilian. I was starting to wonder if I wasn't being fair. I still feel the need to ask permission to say "no" sometimes.

jessicapuppy - I suggested that idea as well. He absolutely doesn't want to drive that much at all. The hotel is already booked and paid for. Plans made.

So anyways. My hubs found a solution.

He's going to stay with a buddy who lives relatively close in his own bachelor pad (not enough room/appropriate for SD and him) and gift Mom and Stepdaughter the hotel room. Lots of girls are staying in the hotel with their Moms/Dads - so it all worked out.

Everyone's happy. Even me.

[momtario]

   I am glad you guys were able to find a sensible, generous solution, that everyone can be comfortable with, DG 

[CodependentHusband]

DG,
    I'm so glad that this worked out for you. Honestly though, I'm surprised your husband even entrained the idea in the first place.   It must speak to his kind and caring disposition. You should be the center of his universe now though. You show a lot of compassion and understanding for your husband, step-kids and his ex-wife. You guys are all very fortunate to have each other!

[jc2]

Hi Dreamgirl

I was going to reply but then saw you had found a solution - that is great!

Just to add I would have objected to the original room sharing idea but would have presented my objection as being about her and your husband's reputation and that possibly being damaged in front of their child or at least within a social setting important to her.

I think you are very generous at many levels.

Good luck

[DreamGirl]

Honestly though, I'm surprised your husband even entrained the idea in the first place.  It must speak to his kind and caring disposition. You should be the center of his universe now though.

So for sake of argument... or sake of finding equanamity... can those two sentiments co-exist?

I feel like I *am* the center of his universe. Now. Always. When I told him "no that doesn't work for me", he honored that without blinking twice. He made it work without having to compromise his values or mine.

I don't have to have him hate her to love me. She is the only mother of his children.  I think it's honorable of him that one of his "values" is that she must have a place in our life. Now. Always. Children are forever and they are an extension of their mama.  

My husband has faith in the love he has for his wife. I think that's why he entertained the idea - he knows that he respects his marriage. He just has a habit of just going with the flow, not always being mindful of decisions and their effects. Mama needed a ride and a place to crash - he could provide such things, so why not?

Well because DreamGirl thinks it's inappropriate.

I know you struggle with this in your own marriage, CH. So I'd love to hear your feedback.

Just to add I would have objected to the original room sharing idea but would have presented my objection as being about her and your husband's reputation and that possibly being damaged in front of their child or at least within a social setting important to her.

Really good point.

   DreamGirl

[CodependentHusband]

So for sake of argument... or sake of finding equanamity... can those two sentiments co-exist?

I feel like I *am* the center of his universe. Now. Always. When I told him "no that doesn't work for me", he honored that without blinking twice. He made it work without having to compromise his values or mine.

I don't have to have him hate her to love me. She is the only mother of his children.  I think it's honorable of him that one of his "values" is that she must have a place in our life. Now. Always. Children are forever and they are an extension of their mama. 

My husband has faith in the love he has for his wife. I think that's why he entertained the idea - he knows that he respects his marriage. He just has a habit of just going with the flow, not always being mindful of decisions and their effects. Mama needed a ride and a place to crash - he could provide such things, so why not?

Well because DreamGirl thinks it's inappropriate.

I know you struggle with this in your own marriage, CH. So I'd love to hear your feedback.

DG,
   YES! They can co-exist. I think you proved that.  
   
   My perspective is that I just see a whole lot of positives here.

1. Your husband has enough empathy and compassion for his daughter to be willing to make accomadations (literally) so that she could have her mother at the game.

2. He has enough confidence to pitch the idea to you, even though I'm sure he couldn;t be sure of how you would react.

3. You know him and understand him well enough to clearly see what his true motivations are.

4. You could maintain your composure to discuss it rationally with him and express your lack of approval for such an arrangement (honestly though, who would want their spouse to be in the same room with their ex-spouse? I agree that it's not appropriate).

5. Your husband looked for, and found a solution that would allow his daughter and you to be happy.


Other than the appropriateness of that original idea, I have to say, it's a good thing you didn't go along with this. As someone on the board once posted, your kids are your top responsibility, but your spouse should be your top priority. Again, you guys are really lucky to have each other, but I know you already know that!

[Dynamic]

DG,
I read about your plight & how you solved it. There is nothing wrong with you objecting to what is not right(spouse being with ex-spouse in same hotel room). Anyone would have been uncomfortable if they were in your position.

As CDH mentioned, you seem to be a very compassionate person putting in so much thought in working out situations like these with your husband's ex. Not everyone would do that, while dealing with husband's ex with BPD or not. In the end, you came out a winner with all parties being happy & comfortable. Hats off to you.