Afraid to use my own computer

[Think About It...]

My uBPDgf has made a habit of going through everything of mine that she can.  Cell phone, E-mail, search history, YouTube history, you name it... I don't necessarily have anything to hide but she will always find something to get angry with me about.  She'll get mad because I haven't deleted Facebook friends she doesn't like or she convinces herself I watched a YouTube video because I thought the girl in it was hot.  She gets mad that I still have pictures from high school with my old GFs.  What makes it worse is that she justifies it saying "I clearly can't trust you since every time I go through your computer something upsets me".

I have tried changing all my passwords and clearing my browsing data habitually, however this always prompts her to respond with "Well if you're not open with me then you are obviously hiding something from me".  She usually guilts me into giving up my passwords.

She recently went through my search history and found that I was researching BPD.  When she confronted me about it I lied and told her that I was just curious cause a coworker brought it up.  I don't think she really believed me however, because every argument since then has included "You just think I'm crazy!". 

I know it's not typically advisable to tell a person you feel they have a personality disorder but if she already believes that I "think shes crazy" should I just be honest and explain how I think she fits the criteria?

Is there a way to put my foot down about the snooping without her jumping to the conclusion that she can't trust me if I'm not open with her and we won't work out because of it. I just feel like my private conversations and accounts should stay private.  Is that so wrong?  She almost has me convinced that I'm an overly secretive person because I don't think she should rummage around my text messages and e-mails whenever she wants. 

[Supernatural Anaesthetist]

My uBPDgf has made a habit of going through everything of mine that she can.  Cell phone, E-mail, search history, YouTube history, you name it... I don't necessarily have anything to hide but she will always find something to get angry with me about.  She'll get mad because I haven't deleted Facebook friends she doesn't like or she convinces herself I watched a YouTube video because I thought the girl in it was hot.  She gets mad that I still have pictures from high school with my old GFs.  What makes it worse is that she justifies it saying "I clearly can't trust you since every time I go through your computer something upsets me".

I have tried changing all my passwords and clearing my browsing data habitually, however this always prompts her to respond with "Well if you're not open with me then you are obviously hiding something from me".  She usually guilts me into giving up my passwords.

She recently went through my search history and found that I was researching BPD.  When she confronted me about it I lied and told her that I was just curious cause a coworker brought it up.  I don't think she really believed me however, because every argument since then has included "You just think I'm crazy!". 

I know it's not typically advisable to tell a person you feel they have a personality disorder but if she already believes that I "think shes crazy" should I just be honest and explain how I think she fits the criteria?

Is there a way to put my foot down about the snooping without her jumping to the conclusion that she can't trust me if I'm not open with her and we won't work out because of it. I just feel like my private conversations and accounts should stay private.  Is that so wrong?  She almost has me convinced that I'm an overly secretive person because I don't think she should rummage around my text messages and e-mails whenever she wants. 

[CaptainM]

I know it's not typically advisable to tell a person you feel they have a personality disorder but if she already believes that I "think shes crazy" should I just be honest and explain how I think she fits the criteria?

What would you be hoping to achieve by having this conversation with her?

Is there a way to put my foot down about the snooping without her jumping to the conclusion that she can't trust me if I'm not open with her and we won't work out because of it. I just feel like my private conversations and accounts should stay private.  Is that so wrong?  She almost has me convinced that I'm an overly secretive person because I don't think she should rummage around my text messages and e-mails whenever she wants. 

You're entitled to privacy - if this is a personal boundary of yours then you have every right to protect it. My ex was very similar, I had a lock on my phone because I always left it sitting on my desk at work but she was convinced it was to hide my infidelity, same with email. Showing them everything will not stop their suspicions or allay their fears - they'll just be convinced you're hiding elsewhere.

Have you had a discussion with her surrounding privacy and where you stand on it? There are ways to frame this discussion by being understanding of her feelings, acknowledging her fears whilst also acknowledging the truth of the matter (that personal privacy is not the same as "being unfaithful").

Have you had a read through some of the lessons on the Staying board regarding Boundaries and Communication?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MirrorProof]

computer

this is where you need to focus the most and not slack off

in my experience, use a public pc ie: library or if you can afford a small netbook keep it out of site and go to star bucks, dunkin donuts wifi hot spots

your in a position to learn as much as possible and get feedback from us on the boards, wont be no good if your paranoid or if your partner goes through your computer further humiliating you.

its so easy to get free keystroke logging software off the next and he/she can get all your passwords as well as see what you been up to online

if you have the extra couple hundred bucks get a netbook or a cheap tablet pc thats wifi capable



M_P

[goinbonkers]

My uBPDgf has made a habit of going through everything of mine that she can.  Cell phone, E-mail, search history, YouTube history, you name it... I don't necessarily have anything to hide but she will always find something to get angry with me about.  She'll get mad because I haven't deleted Facebook friends she doesn't like or she convinces herself I watched a YouTube video because I thought the girl in it was hot.  She gets mad that I still have pictures from high school with my old GFs.  What makes it worse is that she justifies it saying "I clearly can't trust you since every time I go through your computer something upsets me".

I have tried changing all my passwords and clearing my browsing data habitually, however this always prompts her to respond with "Well if you're not open with me then you are obviously hiding something from me".  She usually guilts me into giving up my passwords.

She recently went through my search history and found that I was researching BPD.  When she confronted me about it I lied and told her that I was just curious cause a coworker brought it up.  I don't think she really believed me however, because every argument since then has included "You just think I'm crazy!". 

I know it's not typically advisable to tell a person you feel they have a personality disorder but if she already believes that I "think shes crazy" should I just be honest and explain how I think she fits the criteria?

Is there a way to put my foot down about the snooping without her jumping to the conclusion that she can't trust me if I'm not open with her and we won't work out because of it. I just feel like my private conversations and accounts should stay private.  Is that so wrong?  She almost has me convinced that I'm an overly secretive person because I don't think she should rummage around my text messages and e-mails whenever she wants. 

You have every right to your privacy.  Time to set some boundaries.  Been there.

[jessicapuppy]

My sister's ex bf managed to get hold of that software to record your key-strokes!  Scary!

(and used it on her laptop)

[Supernatural Anaesthetist]

What would you be hoping to achieve by having this conversation with her?

I suppose it's just wishful thinking but, since she does admit that she feels horrible about herself a good deal of the time and she dose recognize that she can act irrational at times, I would hope she could see it as an opportunity for her to be able to understand her emotions more.  Although when she confronted me about researching BPD she made it clear that she finds it horrible that I could ever want to "Stigmatize" her with a "label" like BPD.  So, I don't think that conversation would go very well.

Have you had a discussion with her surrounding privacy and where you stand on it? There are ways to frame this discussion by being understanding of her feelings, acknowledging her fears whilst also acknowledging the truth of the matter (that personal privacy is not the same as "being unfaithful").

I have tried talking with her about this but her position is always along the lines of "If I don't have free access to everything of yours then you must be hiding something".

computer

this is where you need to focus the most and not slack off

in my experience, use a public pc ie: library or if you can afford a small netbook keep it out of site and go to star bucks, dunkin donuts wifi hot spots

your in a position to learn as much as possible and get feedback from us on the boards, wont be no good if your paranoid or if your partner goes through your computer further humiliating you.

its so easy to get free keystroke logging software off the next and he/she can get all your passwords as well as see what you been up to online

if you have the extra couple hundred bucks get a netbook or a cheap tablet pc thats wifi capable



M_P

Lol. She would go ballistic if she found out I had a secret laptop.  That would confirm everything for her. I like the idea though.

Thank you all for you reassurance.  It means a lot to not always be hearing that I am the bad guy.

[CaptainM]

What would you be hoping to achieve by having this conversation with her?

I suppose it's just wishful thinking but, since she does admit that she feels horrible about herself a good deal of the time and she dose recognize that she can act irrational at times, I would hope she could see it as an opportunity for her to be able to understand her emotions more.  Although when she confronted me about researching BPD she made it clear that she finds it horrible that I could ever want to "Stigmatize" her with a "label" like BPD.  So, I don't think that conversation would go very well.

I know how you feel, I had the same wishful thinking about a million times over. You've explained the circumstances really well though, there is no real benefit to her or you to having this conversation. I know rationally you'd hope she'd wake up and smell the coffee, realise you're trying to help and it would roll from there...but as you know the reality would most likely be quite different.

I have tried talking with her about this but her position is always along the lines of "If I don't have free access to everything of yours then you must be hiding something".

This was the argument that I was confronted with too - in all likelihood this may be one of those situations where you may have to agree to disagree depending on how much you value your privacy. For me, I valued it a lot. Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have my own private things that I don't share. Of course this doesn't mean cheating or anything. Maybe it birthday shopping, maybe it's watching kids cartoons you're embarrassed about, maybe it's learning about personality disorders - we have our reasons to keep our own private life even when we share a great deal of it with another person in a relationship.

How important is your privacy to you? If you had to protect this boundary and put your foot down about it and then simply refuse to discuss it anymore would you be comfortable taking that stand?

Take care of yourself, I know how hard these situations are! 

[overcomer]

My uBPDw checks the web browser daily and leaves the history open to show me that she checks it often.  If she sees something that "alerts" her then she asks me about it.  I state my response and end it right there.  She used to check my cell phone for calls and text messages.  I got a phone with my own account.  She flipped.  She used to check our bank account for my purchases.  I got my own account which she doesn't have access to.  She flipped.

To me it comes down to basic human rights.  I am a person.  I have the right to hold my own opinions, beliefs, and a right to privacy.  You (the BPD) are not my god and I am not your servant.  I have the right to be an independant individual with my own space.  Only you can determine what you will accept.  Give them an inch, they will take a mile.

I thought of the quote today from a German pastor during the Nazi era.  It goes like this:

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

As I looked back over my R/S with the person I realized that slowly but surely little pieces of my personhood was being taken away and I didn't speak up.  After a decade and a half there wasn't much left of me.  Fortunately I realized this and began rebuilding my personhood.  But if we say nothing then sooner or later we will be a person in physicality only.  Being married to a BPD is much like being in a cult or under a faschist regime.  Your resistance will be broken down if you let it.

[Neverknow]

They apparently equate our privacy as a breach of their trust.  Or something like that.

My STBX BPD w spent a good part of her day, every day, going through my computer, my drawers, my car, phone, and everything else she could find.

Her phone broke once and I let her take mine for a couple of days.  Every day she would want to know who "Sam" was or who "No" ( a telemarketer) was.  I told her, "What kind of idiot would give his phone to his wife to use if he had girlfriends or anything else shady going on with it?"

Did no good.

Good luck with setting that boundary.  I tried and couldn't make it stick.  Just trying to set the privacy boundary, makes a BPD more sure than ever that you are hiding something.

[FriedaB]

Mine  used  to  open  my  mail,  listen  to  my  vm  and  monitor  incoming/outgoing  call  lists.  She  also  checked  texts.  I  dont  know  the  answer,  because  nothing  worked  ...putting  a  lock  on  phone  made  her  angrier,  and  id  be  needled  and  tortured  mercilessly  until  I  unblocked  it/gave  her  the  password  ect ect.)  Sometimes  this  even  involved  sleep  depravation.  Validation,  SET  and  all that  other  stuff  didnt  work  either...

[momtario]

1- Internet Explorer InPrivate~ keeps no history
2- Fake Name
3- email on a new email provider, with fake name
4- facebook with fake name if you want conversations she can't possibly read
5- as an aside, don't have conversations using your fakebook account near her if she has the password to your real facebook account. I ran into a snag on this because uNPDh has my fb chats set up to go to his phone and he knew I wasn't talking on my real fb.

There are only a handful of people who text me and they know well enough not to say anything other than random chit chat, unless given the go-ahead.

I only receive innocuous emails, like pictures from relatives of my nephew or spam from email lists I signed up for on my real email, and use my fake name email for this website, as well as any other info coming in about BPD, etc.

I'm not capable of lying, so this type of deception is important for me.

[Neverknow]

1- Internet Explorer InPrivate~ keeps no history
2- Fake Name
3- email on a new email provider, with fake name
4- facebook with fake name if you want conversations she can't possibly read
5- as an aside, don't have conversations using your fakebook account near her if she has the password to your real facebook account. I ran into a snag on this because uNPDh has my fb chats set up to go to his phone and he knew I wasn't talking on my real fb.

There are only a handful of people who text me and they know well enough not to say anything other than random chit chat, unless given the go-ahead.

I only receive innocuous emails, like pictures from relatives of my nephew or spam from email lists I signed up for on my real email, and use my fake name email for this website, as well as any other info coming in about BPD, etc.

I'm not capable of lying, so this type of deception is important for me.

That is what so frustrating.  It is quite easy to set up secret accounts, that my stbx BPD w would have never found.  It doesn't matter.  She would show me spam on her e-mail, and ask how I had put them there and why.

[overcomer]

It's pretty sad that we have to do this.  We all know why we do this but why do we have to?  Often I reflect on "how did I get myself in this situation?"  This is not what I had planned for my life.  To be a prisoner in a cell constucted of emotional reactions. 

I recently purchased a ebook called "Out of the FOG: Information & Support for Those with a Family Member or Loved One who Suffers From a Personality Disorder". It's more like a manual that describes all the different personality-disorder traits and how to respond to them.  Very practical book so far and easy to understand.  Written for the non-professional.   Helps you realize that your not imagining all these things but puts a name on them and how best to respond.

[momtario]

The deceptions I listed will buy you time- unfortunately not a more trusting SO. You have a right to privacy- we all do. Sometimes we have to get creative to get that privacy, even though it isn't right.

[Supernatural Anaesthetist]

Looks like I have my work cut out for me trying to push this boundary back into place.  Wont be easy and it's probably won't stick.  She will probably threaten to end the r/s on the grounds that she cant trust me but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I just don't care because it's not worth it. 

It is sad and frustrating that I have to fight so hard for for my basic right to privacy.  I have given her no reason to suspect me of infidelity.

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

As I looked back over my R/S with the person I realized that slowly but surely little pieces of my personhood was being taken away and I didn't speak up.  After a decade and a half there wasn't much left of me. 

That is exactly how I'm feeling too.  I feel like keeping her happy can be a full time job.  I don' get a chance to enjoy any of my hobbies anymore.  My friendships have suffered because she gets upset when I go out without her.  I get told I cant go certain places without her because I "will check out other women".  It feels like I've let her chip away at my person and one by one I have given up things that I find important ... like my privacy.

[goinbonkers]

Looks like I have my work cut out for me trying to push this boundary back into place.  Wont be easy and it's probably won't stick.  She will probably threaten to end the r/s on the grounds that she cant trust me but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I just don't care because it's not worth it.  

It is sad and frustrating that I have to fight so hard for for my basic right to privacy.  I have given her no reason to suspect me of infidelity.

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

As I looked back over my R/S with the person I realized that slowly but surely little pieces of my personhood was being taken away and I didn't speak up.  After a decade and a half there wasn't much left of me.  

That is exactly how I'm feeling too.  I feel like keeping her happy can be a full time job.  I don' get a chance to enjoy any of my hobbies anymore.  My friendships have suffered because she gets upset when I go out without her.  I get told I cant go certain places without her because I "will check out other women".  It feels like I've let her chip away at my person and one by one I have given up things that I find important ... like my privacy.

Sounds like basic insecurity and low self-esteem issues on her part.  Been there.  Still there actually.

[multiball]

I have no advice to offer you regarding how to interact with your SO, but I do have computer security advice.

Google Chrome has an 'incognito' mode that is built into it by default.  Use that for everything that might potentially trigger an interrogation.

If you want to go extreme on the security side I would recommend using a bootable linux LiveCD whenever you think that she might be offended by what you are doing.  Unfortunately this leaves a few issues.  One is that you'll need to reboot the machine each time you want to use it.  Another is that you'll need to keep the CD with you.  Another is that Linux is not probably what you are familiar with (but it is pretty straightforward for web browsing).  Finally, if she is shoulder-surfing there will be interrogation regarding why you are using a LiveCD.

In short, use Google Chrome and the Incognito feature which comes by default.  Chrome is an awesome browser anyway and you cannot get it without the option to go Incognito.

http://www.google.com/goodtoknow/manage-data/incognito-mode/

[goinbonkers]

I have no advice to offer you regarding how to interact with your SO, but I do have computer security advice.

Google Chrome has an 'incognito' mode that is built into it by default.  Use that for everything that might potentially trigger an interrogation.

If you want to go extreme on the security side I would recommend using a bootable linux LiveCD whenever you think that she might be offended by what you are doing.  Unfortunately this leaves a few issues.  One is that you'll need to reboot the machine each time you want to use it.  Another is that you'll need to keep the CD with you.  Another is that Linux is not probably what you are familiar with (but it is pretty straightforward for web browsing).  Finally, if she is shoulder-surfing there will be interrogation regarding why you are using a LiveCD.

In short, use Google Chrome and the Incognito feature which comes by default.  Chrome is an awesome browser anyway and you cannot get it without the option to go Incognito.

http://www.google.com/goodtoknow/manage-data/incognito-mode/

Or you can use Firefox Private Browsing mode.

[OnceConfused]

Wont be easy and it's probably won't stick.  She will probably threaten to end the r/s on the grounds that she cant trust me but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I just don't care because it's not worth it. 

You have to fight for and die for something you believe in. If you believe in your privacy, then you would not care whether she ends the r.s or not. She would never dare to cross it, otherwise the r.s is ended before she even takes the next breath. That is how you maintain your INTEGRITY, your sense of DIGNITY, and PRIDE. Do you remember an old black lady who defies the whole culture of discrimation by refusing to give up her seat in the bus? Her strength and courage have helped open doors for many.

Just put a password on your computer and shut it down every time. When she asks for it, then politely say, Sorry this is my privacy. If she wants to end the r.s. then so be it. You have to have spine to stand up right. If you don't, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

You are abused not because there are abusers but because you, you let them, my friend.

Fundamentally, you have to ask yourself if you have to live a life of fear with her, then is that life worth living? 

[moonunit]

Supernatural, i can't believe my SO is cheating on me with you ! How dare you . The comments you made are word for word for what i have heard and continue to hear. A few yrs back my SO found some old pic's in my house of al girl that i spent some time with, i know i should have thrown them out but stupid me,i didn't.
My SO turned my house upside down looking for anything that might support her belief that i was cheating on her. She went through every item on my computer and accused me of everything under the sun. That was about 6yrs ago, since then i go on my home computer probably once a yr, i have not been on it for about 4 months now, no idea what is in my inbox. My SO will go on the computer when she comes over and almost the first thing she does is check the history and then go into my emails and see what's in there. I could care less what on my computer, i don't use it and only have it incase there is something i need to look up while i am at home for her. I use my work computer to access this site and she has no idea i have access to it. Whenever i let her use my cell phone she always checks my missed calls and reads my texts, if i ask her what she is doing, she responds, just looking, why is there something you don't want me to see  or find out about. She thinks, if i don't have anything to hide, then what difference does it make if she reads stuff, i have had the privacy discussion with her in the past and it falls on deaf ears. She says her friends do that all the time and its perfectly normal, well that is her spin on making it seem ok. She says i can read any of her stuff, i tell her that i am not interested in that because it is her privacy and i am not going to do that, and honestly, i have no desire to read her stuff or snoop.
Sure is tough living like this, OnceConfused, your advice is right to the point and makes a ton of sense, certainly words to live by !