Afraid to use my own computer

[Think About It...]

Well I just changed the passwords again today and she called me up on my work phone no more than a couple hours later to tell me it is over (while I am at work!).  Part of me wants to just let go and give up and the other part is terrified of the pain it will bring.  I tried to explain very calmly that it is a personal value of mine and that she has no reason to distrust me.  I told her that I feel I have a right to my privacy not because I am hiding something but because when she snoops she finds things to get upset about for the wrong reasons.  Things that she uses to fabricate false ideas for herself.  She broke down sobbing saying that "apparently" she has so many issues and she needs to work on them alone.  Playing the martyr I suppose...

I've been using my work computer and using Google chrome incognito but she always finds something and I'm tired of being scared.  Not just about this but about everything.

I totally know where you're coming from, OnceConfused, but after being submissive for so long I find it difficult to grow a pair.  I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my self for this relationship and I ask for one thing back and she wants to throw it all away.  That's kinda what makes me feel the worst is that it feels like it's all been for nothing if it's over at the drop of a hat.  She' s so black and white...

I understand she is insecure about the whole thing.  It goes back to the whole fear of abandonment thing but it is so draining trying to work with someone when they make all of their problems your problems instead of facing them.  I've offered to go to counseling with her etc. but as of right now she won't accept anything but total transparency. 

[Supernatural Anaesthetist]

Well I just changed the passwords again today and she called me up on my work phone no more than a couple hours later to tell me it is over (while I am at work!).  Part of me wants to just let go and give up and the other part is terrified of the pain it will bring.  I tried to explain very calmly that it is a personal value of mine and that she has no reason to distrust me.  I told her that I feel I have a right to my privacy not because I am hiding something but because when she snoops she finds things to get upset about for the wrong reasons.  Things that she uses to fabricate false ideas for herself.  She broke down sobbing saying that "apparently" she has so many issues and she needs to work on them alone.  Playing the martyr I suppose...

I've been using my work computer and using Google chrome incognito but she always finds something and I'm tired of being scared.  Not just about this but about everything.

I totally know where you're coming from, OnceConfused, but after being submissive for so long I find it difficult to grow a pair.  I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my self for this relationship and I ask for one thing back and she wants to throw it all away.  That's kinda what makes me feel the worst is that it feels like it's all been for nothing if it's over at the drop of a hat.  She' s so black and white...

I understand she is insecure about the whole thing.  It goes back to the whole fear of abandonment thing but it is so draining trying to work with someone when they make all of their problems your problems instead of facing them.  I've offered to go to counseling with her etc. but as of right now she won't accept anything but total transparency. 

[goinbonkers]

Well I just changed the passwords again today and she called me up on my work phone no more than a couple hours later to tell me it is over (while I am at work!).  Part of me wants to just let go and give up and the other part is terrified of the pain it will bring.  I tried to explain very calmly that it is a personal value of mine and that she has no reason to distrust me.  I told her that I feel I have a right to my privacy not because I am hiding something but because when she snoops she finds things to get upset about for the wrong reasons.  Things that she uses to fabricate false ideas for herself.  She broke down sobbing saying that "apparently" she has so many issues and she needs to work on them alone.  Playing the martyr I suppose...

I've been using my work computer and using Google chrome incognito but she always finds something and I'm tired of being scared.  Not just about this but about everything.

I totally know where you're coming from, OnceConfused, but after being submissive for so long I find it difficult to grow a pair.  I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my self for this relationship and I ask for one thing back and she wants to throw it all away.  That's kinda what makes me feel the worst is that it feels like it's all been for nothing if it's over at the drop of a hat.  She' s so black and white...

I understand she is insecure about the whole thing.  It goes back to the whole fear of abandonment thing but it is so draining trying to work with someone when they make all of their problems your problems instead of facing them.  I've offered to go to counseling with her etc. but as of right now she won't accept anything but total transparency. 

She really really really really really really needs individual counseling and is most likely not healthy enough for couples counseling to work.  I guarantee you that.  She full well knows something is wrong with her but the only person who can fix her is her, not you.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[GreenMango]

"I clearly can't trust you since every time I go through your computer something upsets me".

This one statement alone is the problem.  Her trust is based on her emotions, and not on any rational or  respectful engagement with you.

You establishing boundaries and pushing back for what is rightfully yours is going to "freak" her out.

She will do things like this:

She broke down sobbing saying that "apparently" she has so many issues and she needs to work on them alone.

This is very true, but probably not in the way she thinks.  She needs to address them alone but can do that married.  She's the only one who can change her.  And that is a solo project.

These are extinction bursts (EB) to get you to go back to the way things were.  Comfortable for her (but not really because you could be transparent as a ghost and these insecurities won't go away) and uncomfortable for you.

Stay the course.  The EB will get worse.  Her threats and tantrums will get more volatile.  If you capitulate when they are worse this is her new threshold she sees she can do and get away with. 

Do you have kids?  Imagine the pushy tantruming child, use SET, take a time out if she gets abusive, but hold that privacy boundary.

If you can set this one boundary the next will be easier.  It's a slow process, but caving now does not help the end game.  Healthier emotional partners and a better marriage.  This doesn't change overnight, and you don't have to alleviate her uncomfortable emotions for her.  But right now she thinks that's your job.

Unfortunately here you've already started the ball in motion with the boundary (totally fine), but if you  go back on it she learns you aren't serious.  She learns if she cries, insults, threatens, yells, demeans, invades, or dysregulates in any way your actions will soothe her emotional issues.

Is she the type to divorce you over this or are her threats just idle threats you can weather? 

-GM

[OnceConfused]

She broke down sobbing saying that "apparently" she has so many issues and she needs to work on them alone

Way to go. THis is how to maintain your sense of self DIGNITY, your self worth and your own mental health. That is how to maintain your boundary.

Try to live TRUE to your own moral compass then you have nothing to fear. If she leaves you, then with a strong moral characters and loving heart, you will be a great catch for the next lucky lady.

I don't have a password on my computer but i made it clear that noone would use my computer without my approval. My baby sitter once used my computer and I let her know right away that we had other computers to be used but never mine again. I have so much personal stuffs, my records for my stocks and bank accounts.

If it gets to the point that you have to check your SO's computer or phone for cheating then that is the time to leave the relationship.  Trust is gone.

[OnceConfused]

Miss a point here:

Total transparency does not mean (1) your SO can access everything. We all have skeletons in the closets. (2) if your SO cannot trust you and your words then why she continues to have a r.s with you.
My answer to those requests of total transparency is "sure, you need to find someone else who can and that will make you happy. Adios."

[ultramarine]

I know what you are going through. I have been spied on for 2 full months. He installed spywares on my PC where everything I typed got emailed to him. He used to steal my phone and go through my msgs and call lists. It's terrifying, as if your life isn't your own, but like a live news-feed being openly watched by somebody. Like Jim Carrey in the Truman show! 

When he couldn't find anything, his abuse worsened. I sometimes feel it's like their way of constantly justifying to themselves that they are always right and their partner is wrong. You need to determine what's your tipping point. If that has already been crossed and you are still in the relationship, then it could mean you are allowing yourself to be victimized. Which was what I did for 3 years. From my own experience, I have concluded that spying and doubting make the PwBPD insatiable. Even if there is nothing, they will find newer and newer ways to prove how right they are. And the moment they find something (which they always do. In my case, it was a dirty joke sent by a friend that lead to abuse), they will blackmail you with it for the rest of their lives. Even if you stay, they will keep reminding what a favour they have done to you by staying on despite your 'infidelity'. Hope all of this isn't happening to you. If it is, then it's a warning sign, buddy. There might not be another way out than taking her for therapy if you wish to stay.

[LoveNYC]

Do you really want to live like this?

What is it that is holding you in this relationship?

[xeon]

In short, use Google Chrome and the Incognito feature which comes by default.  Chrome is an awesome browser anyway and you cannot get it without the option to go Incognito.

http://www.google.com/goodtoknow/manage-data/incognito-mode/

Or you can use Firefox Private Browsing mode.

Yeah I use both Google Chrome and FireFox in these modes when I'm coming here, reading BPD info and stuff like this.  Otherwise its annoying that she read my texts, e-mail, web history and so forth, but its her insecurity and I only hide this sort of thing for obvious reasons. 

[Empty]

Been there and done that sorry to say.
My BPDW went through every box of my stuff when we got together, every disc, book, notepad just looking for something to accuse me of. I got hammered for having an address book from the 80's with girls phone numbers in it. It didn't matter that this was like 20 years ago the fact that it had sat in a cupboard and then packed in a box was proof positive that i was up to no good. If only I had the senseto leave her then i wouldn't be here typing this now.

Since then it is like a broken record, going through my computer, wallet, car, phone always lookingforsomething that she can accuse me of. I bought collectable coins for my last 2 kids and kept it secret from her for months until she came across it somehow. What a sh*tfight that was!

She revealed recently that she talks to my first wife on facebook. Frankly she never stops digging into my past and present looking for god knows what and then saving it up for when she wants to throw it in my face. Funny thing is her past and present is sacred and not open for inspection. I am expected to believe her version of how it all is or was even when she is recanting things that have happened in the 8 years we have been together.

Sorry about the rant but reading this seems like we all have the same story in regards the invasion of our privacy and the total disrespect of our boundaries.

[andywho]

Looks like I have my work cut out for me trying to push this boundary back into place.  Wont be easy and it's probably won't stick.  She will probably threaten to end the r/s on the grounds that she cant trust me but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I just don't care because it's not worth it.  

It is sad and frustrating that I have to fight so hard for for my basic right to privacy.  I have given her no reason to suspect me of infidelity.

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.

As I looked back over my R/S with the person I realized that slowly but surely little pieces of my personhood was being taken away and I didn't speak up.  After a decade and a half there wasn't much left of me.  

That is exactly how I'm feeling too.  I feel like keeping her happy can be a full time job.  I don' get a chance to enjoy any of my hobbies anymore.  My friendships have suffered because she gets upset when I go out without her.  I get told I cant go certain places without her because I "will check out other women".  It feels like I've let her chip away at my person and one by one I have given up things that I find important ... like my privacy.

Put me in there aswell... latest now for me is that she demands access to my bank account. Several times i have told her no as i feel she is very controlling and always meddling in with almost everything i do in my life. I hav e told her no several times... of course ending in a disaster. So... for a couple of days ago she told me that if she couldnt get access to my account she would leave me and take our baby with her.

She is hellbent that im hiding something from her since i wont give her access. In her opinion i shouldnt have any reason not to give her access unless im hiding something.

I told here that i should think about it a little more. She has already been trough all my mails (damn smartphones). She accessed it while i was sleeping. She also logged into my facebook account.

Doesnt seem like she understand that for each time she "wins" these fights she pushes me farther and farther away and she completeky kills my love for here. At the moment i really dont care about her opinions on anything anymore. If she continus this i will end up feeling nothing for her. She makes my life so hard. Even if i win or loose our arguments i feel like a looser.

Frustrated!

Just correcting myself... i rarely win our fights. Winning for me is more beeing able to pull out of the discussion without ending up like a wreck.

[Empty]

Mate, for them it is all about winning. If they can keep you off balance then they have won is the way they think. i don't think it actually occurs to them that the path they take is destructive to their ultimate goal as it is about control for them. If they can control you then they have you as their prisoner and that is all that matters. Destruction of your ego, pride, self esteem ... well that means nothing so long as they have their comfort zone.

[BPD Magnet 1]

Do you really want to live like this?

What is it that is holding you in this relationship?

Best Response yet.Thank you..This is truly where the answers are,Deep Within ourselves.

I ask myself everyday day ''why'' i put myself through this.Why did i allow myself to be nothing more than a punching bag for her Mental Illness.I guess i did this out of so called Love.
I may never no the reason.But it was pure hell to live with a woman with these type of issues and mental illness.It is no way to live.I lived it for 9 years and i am damaged in the end.

I thought if i just loved her more and sacrificed all of me,it would CHANGE her.It would go away.The mental illness would pass.Not the case.

[andywho]

i don't think it actually occurs to them that the path they take is destructive to their ultimate goal as it is about control for them.

This.. this is one of my biggest issues. No matter what i say im totally unable to get her to understand that her behaviour is what i see as the biggest problem i our RS. But then again... she have never admitted that there is any fault with her.

She justifies her behaviour by putting the blame on me. If i just gave her access to my account she wouldnt behave like she does... so not giving her her will justifies to threat other people bad. Its always like that... its my fault that she gets angry, if i could just do what she wants she wouldnt be angry.

I have told her that i wont relate to her when she acts like she does. But she dont get it. She cant see that she act any different from how other people reacts. In her opinion here behaviour and reactions are normal.

[Hiloguy]

If you get this figured let me know. The scary thing about your post is its almost word for word what my exBPDgf had done to me, and if i ever asked to see hers she would say "fine" and everything was deleted already.

[sotiredtoonice]

I had no idea this was such a common issue. My BPDH is a computer repair person, so we have computers all over the house. I NEVER use them. I know that if I did he would go behind me to see what I was doing and then make accusations, etc, just like all of you detail. He has a bad habit of picking up my phone and going through it all the time. I never say anything because there is nothing for me to hide, but I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. Frankly I realize its just another way to try and control me and I don't like it. I dont use facebook for this very reason, he would pick apart anyone who became my friend or whatever. But at the same time, I would like to have a facebook page. Did I mention H has a facebook page? And I would never randomly pick up his phone and go through it. So why do we put up with it? Why don't I just create a facebook page if I want one and say "screw you" when he questions my motives?    Sorry just needed to rant for a minute!

[andywho]

I had no idea this was such a common issue. My BPDH is a computer repair person, so we have computers all over the house. I NEVER use them. I know that if I did he would go behind me to see what I was doing and then make accusations, etc, just like all of you detail. He has a bad habit of picking up my phone and going through it all the time. I never say anything because there is nothing for me to hide, but I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. Frankly I realize its just another way to try and control me and I don't like it. I dont use facebook for this very reason, he would pick apart anyone who became my friend or whatever. But at the same time, I would like to have a facebook page. Did I mention H has a facebook page? And I would never randomly pick up his phone and go through it. So why do we put up with it? Why don't I just create a facebook page if I want one and say "screw you" when he questions my motives?    Sorry just needed to rant for a minute!

Its good to rant a bit I have a facebook account but started to use it less and less as i noticed my GF kept track of everyting i do in there and had a need to comment (not on facebook tho, but too me) about much i did in there. This removed my lust to use facebook. At times she complained when i commented others statuses, but not hers.


You should get facebook and we could add eachother... would drive her crazy if she suddnely notice i add a foreign woman

[sotiredtoonice]

Yes I feel that would be world war three Andywho. I know if I even had one male friend on there he would go balistic, nevermind he has females on his, what little bit I have seen of it. Of course he has it locked up like fort Knox. I just get tired of the double standard type issues. Its ok for him to do something, but if I do it, its not ok.

[andywho]

Yes I feel that would be world war three Andywho. I know if I even had one male friend on there he would go balistic, nevermind he has females on his, what little bit I have seen of it. Of course he has it locked up like fort Knox. I just get tired of the double standard type issues. Its ok for him to do something, but if I do it, its not ok.

I remember some years ago i played a facebook game where you run a cafeteria. There you could employ facebookfriends as waiters. I did this and one them happened to be a cute girl. My GF then asked if i had to pick my most cutest friend as employee.

I removed her as an employee.

[Dera]

A few thoughts about privacy...

Like many here I've gone through something similar. He demanded my passwords and I stood back helplessly while he went through my facebook and my emails until he found what he was looking for. "Evidence" that I was cheating, which was not true, he was just distorting things that I'd said. Forever after that he used the "evidence" against me.

It felt like being raped, and I don't take that word lightly. I feel guilty that maybe I should not have said the things he is using against me, and I feel violated and humiliated.

Some couples are able to share all their passwords and journals and stuff freely and it works for them and that's great. Personally, I long for the way things were with my first husband, in that he wouldn't even open my purse if I TOLD him to, because he felt that was a boundary he shouldn't cross. I would never have worried about leaving my journal lying around with him. It's about respect.

In a great relationship, I hope I can share everything, every thought, everything I do, with my partner. I hope I have that someday. However, I will CHOOSE when and how I share things. No one has the right to go rummaging around in my head, especially when they are looking for things to use against me, but not even if their intentions are good.

Saying that you have a right to read stuff someone has written because they are your partner is like saying you have a right to have sex with them without their permission because they are your partner. NO!

[sotiredtoonice]

Yeah I could imagine the backlash I would get if I used a computer at home. He already changed my email password to what he wanted it to be, which is fine, whatever theres nothing to hide there. But if I were on facebook or something he would twist everything to make it fit whatever he was acusing me of that day. I am currently being accused of cheating because I go to work everyday. In his mind this means there is someone there that I am going to see. I have given up even defending myself at this point. I am to the point where if he wants to think I am cheating, fine, think it I don't care anymore. His new thing is to smell me when I come home from work. The other night he also informed me what kind of perfume I was wearing, even though I wasn't wearing ANY perfume. The point is, no matter what we do, they will always accuse us of whatever it is they would like to think we are doing. I just wonder at what point do you call it a projection instead of an accusation...