exit strategy-to place blame all on me

[Think About It...]

I have read a few books on BPD now-and though the most recent rages from my UBPDH are not lasting days (as before), do not rattle me half as much due to MY depth of understanding of the disorder and I was able to validate *enough* to experience a sort of compromise at the end...
I STILL have an exit strategy in place.

Most of my H's rages seem to stem directly from a comment or reaction he perceives as critical-while he treats me as if am nonexistent-making plans that only for HIM, for his gratification, fun, social life, NA meetings and fellowship...if I dare ask for the same amount of his time-like if I ask for dinner out and a movie (or even one or the other!) he will paint me black as ungrateful, negative, a non-contributor to the marriage..and it just gets worse.(and lasts for hours)
He always tells me in no uncertain terms-every rage episode-that I NEED to LEAVE. with the cussing and violence to prove it! He is mr wonderful, and I am just not worth his time or trouble.
It seems I have to defend or justify my very life, here with him!

H may be re-starting a past r/s with a married woman from NA meetings that was his target when he broke up with me 2 years ago. He has suddenly bumped into her at NA meetings and subsequently began raging at me. What a coincidence! 
He is raging at ME now b/c she is back in the picture...and he cannot reconcile his glorious fantasy of her with the reality of US. He tried to get me to come to his NA meetings-I believe he wants to see how we both react to the proximity. He staged a meeting once between us after SHE dumped HIM-2 years ago. It was like he was trying to rub her nose in the fact that he was again with me. Very bizarre, once I figured out what had happened.
I am fear that if I join him at the NA meetings he will be openly dismissive of me, and will behave in a way that diminishes our marriage. He has done it before-so I am trying to protect myself.

At times I often wonder how much of his R/S with others are delusion...I mean who is really chasing whom, and how much is real or fantasized on his part. I see him lately lost in thought, looking very spaced out- a million miles away-he tends to ruminate and obsess a lot.

I am not under the delusion that he will change or seek therapy. I have requested that as a condition in calmer times, and while he has agreed in theory-he has not sought help.

My exit strategy is to secure the job that I will be shortly interviewing for-in the Sheriff's dept no less! (that actually makes me feel safer!) Once that happens-I have money set aside of my own to use while waiting for a paycheck.

I plan on spend a long weekend away with my grown kids out of town prior to discussing my exit with H.
He is aware that I miss my kids very much, and I personally feel time with my grand babies is passing me by while I am catering to HIS overwhelming needs, here.
Those are days and hours that I cannot *get back* in a sense.
I am going to let H believe that I am pining far more than actually for my *old life* with my kids and grand kids. That I am depressed and need to be closer to them to *complete* my life.
This absolves him of any blame or shame-and lets him believe his fantasy that he has been the perfect partner.(ugh) Since he cannot tolerate being considered anything less.

My idea of the perfect partner does NOT include a man who obsesses over other women, is addicted to online porn, has no time for me, never keeps his word/promises to me, rages violently at me for hours over trivia, does not really want to work, either at work or on our r/s- and tries to discard/force me out of the marriage me during every rage episode.

H's rages have been more frequent lately(weekly) and I believe it's either his obsessing over women or anxiety about work that agitates him.
He has repeatedly stated that he longs to live in a larger metropolitan area-that he was far happier in other places, and I feel he is seeking a geographic *cure*. Like ANY place is better for him than where he is.

Is this a valid exit strategy? Or do I just pack my stuff during/after the next rage and take advantage of his disorder to depart?

What have you as a NON done when planning an exit? I have money of my own, and I can be out within a workday...if it comes down that way.(to avoid his presence)

thanks ,
GL

[gina louise]

I have read a few books on BPD now-and though the most recent rages from my UBPDH are not lasting days (as before), do not rattle me half as much due to MY depth of understanding of the disorder and I was able to validate *enough* to experience a sort of compromise at the end...
I STILL have an exit strategy in place.

Most of my H's rages seem to stem directly from a comment or reaction he perceives as critical-while he treats me as if am nonexistent-making plans that only for HIM, for his gratification, fun, social life, NA meetings and fellowship...if I dare ask for the same amount of his time-like if I ask for dinner out and a movie (or even one or the other!) he will paint me black as ungrateful, negative, a non-contributor to the marriage..and it just gets worse.(and lasts for hours)
He always tells me in no uncertain terms-every rage episode-that I NEED to LEAVE. with the cussing and violence to prove it! He is mr wonderful, and I am just not worth his time or trouble.
It seems I have to defend or justify my very life, here with him!

H may be re-starting a past r/s with a married woman from NA meetings that was his target when he broke up with me 2 years ago. He has suddenly bumped into her at NA meetings and subsequently began raging at me. What a coincidence! 
He is raging at ME now b/c she is back in the picture...and he cannot reconcile his glorious fantasy of her with the reality of US. He tried to get me to come to his NA meetings-I believe he wants to see how we both react to the proximity. He staged a meeting once between us after SHE dumped HIM-2 years ago. It was like he was trying to rub her nose in the fact that he was again with me. Very bizarre, once I figured out what had happened.
I am fear that if I join him at the NA meetings he will be openly dismissive of me, and will behave in a way that diminishes our marriage. He has done it before-so I am trying to protect myself.

At times I often wonder how much of his R/S with others are delusion...I mean who is really chasing whom, and how much is real or fantasized on his part. I see him lately lost in thought, looking very spaced out- a million miles away-he tends to ruminate and obsess a lot.

I am not under the delusion that he will change or seek therapy. I have requested that as a condition in calmer times, and while he has agreed in theory-he has not sought help.

My exit strategy is to secure the job that I will be shortly interviewing for-in the Sheriff's dept no less! (that actually makes me feel safer!) Once that happens-I have money set aside of my own to use while waiting for a paycheck.

I plan on spend a long weekend away with my grown kids out of town prior to discussing my exit with H.
He is aware that I miss my kids very much, and I personally feel time with my grand babies is passing me by while I am catering to HIS overwhelming needs, here.
Those are days and hours that I cannot *get back* in a sense.
I am going to let H believe that I am pining far more than actually for my *old life* with my kids and grand kids. That I am depressed and need to be closer to them to *complete* my life.
This absolves him of any blame or shame-and lets him believe his fantasy that he has been the perfect partner.(ugh) Since he cannot tolerate being considered anything less.

My idea of the perfect partner does NOT include a man who obsesses over other women, is addicted to online porn, has no time for me, never keeps his word/promises to me, rages violently at me for hours over trivia, does not really want to work, either at work or on our r/s- and tries to discard/force me out of the marriage me during every rage episode.

H's rages have been more frequent lately(weekly) and I believe it's either his obsessing over women or anxiety about work that agitates him.
He has repeatedly stated that he longs to live in a larger metropolitan area-that he was far happier in other places, and I feel he is seeking a geographic *cure*. Like ANY place is better for him than where he is.

Is this a valid exit strategy? Or do I just pack my stuff during/after the next rage and take advantage of his disorder to depart?

What have you as a NON done when planning an exit? I have money of my own, and I can be out within a workday...if it comes down that way.(to avoid his presence)

thanks ,
GL

[tailspin]

Gina  Hi!

I think you have a brilliant exit strategy.  From all the material I've read, and from my own experiences, it's wise to let them believe it's in their best interest to "let us go."  If we become depressed or bored or ambivalent it seems they lose interest in us on their own. 

It's sad how they feel a change of scenery or the "grass is greener" mentality will magically make them better.  "When I do ____" or "when I meet ____" things will be better.  Unfortunately, their mental illness follows them wherever they go.

My ex triangulated me with his mother and staged meetings to either make her jealous or me uncomfortable.  Once I figured out what he was doing I made excuses not to participate.  I also began standing up to him, voicing my own opinion, and setting personal boundaries all of which made his plans work even less.  He finally said "this isn't working" (because it really wasn't) and bailed.

I wish you all the best!  Please let us know how it unfolds.

[sotiredtoonice]

GL, your plan sounds good to me. I actually just read this sort of strategy today in another post on here. It sounds to me like you have your mind made up and your plan laid out. I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to hearing how it turns out.

I do have a question for you though. You mention your H wanting to move to another area. Is this new or has he mentioned it before? MY H mentions moving all the time and I have no intentions of moving, although he seems to think I do. He has no intentions of doing anything until we move... the sad part is, even if I were to go somewhere, he knows it would not be for at least 5 years. The point is, I wonder if this is an excuse that BPD people come up with to either be out of work, have no friends, etc.