Infidelity and BPD

[Think About It...]

Hey Anra

I appreciate what you posted and have had a think. I don't personally think that cheating in and of itself is indicative of a disorder. Like I've said, it's more about a pattern of cheating. I have done no actual research on the following, but I'd have to say I'd be highly surprised to find out that instances of cheating were higher among mentally healthy individuals rather than those with narcissistic or borderline traits.

As far as permitting, yes I'd agree that we often enable them, sometimes unwittingly. But I highly doubt that anyone with BPD really feels permitted to cheat. I certainly never let my ex know in any way I'd be ok with it. Quite the contrary. Which ironically is one of the reasons I think she did it - precisely because she knew how much it would hurt me.

[the_way_back]

Hey Anra

I appreciate what you posted and have had a think. I don't personally think that cheating in and of itself is indicative of a disorder. Like I've said, it's more about a pattern of cheating. I have done no actual research on the following, but I'd have to say I'd be highly surprised to find out that instances of cheating were higher among mentally healthy individuals rather than those with narcissistic or borderline traits.

As far as permitting, yes I'd agree that we often enable them, sometimes unwittingly. But I highly doubt that anyone with BPD really feels permitted to cheat. I certainly never let my ex know in any way I'd be ok with it. Quite the contrary. Which ironically is one of the reasons I think she did it - precisely because she knew how much it would hurt me.

[Faded]

My view is that it is impulse.
Am i right in thinking a majority of borderlines are very good looking? im not saying this is the case as there are many variations of BPD. But lets take the case of infidelity within a borderline.

They have the knowledge that their looks is power or so they feel.
Having little sense of self their looks becomes a dominant feature for them to work from to boost their ego, to boost their needs be forfilled.
Their looks are just an object to them that they feel they have power with.

They use this object (their looks) to attract other objects (replacements/affair partners).

Their looks or attractiveness to others becomes central to their own being giving them a feeling of a sense of self. But in reality they are kidding themselves. They cant really believe for the rest of their lives that their looks and only their looks will carry them through all that life throws at them.

But they do belive it because they dont have a different mindset and no core beliefs.

They are the object of their own desires, they want to be the object of others desires.

Well they do say 'treat others like youd like to be treated yourself', so go figure, they are an object to themselves, they see and treat others as objects so in return they need to be treated as objects to feel any sense of self or worth.

But that isnt healthy or right. I can see that now and certainly wont be travelling that same path again in allowing anyone to treat me as an object of either their desires or hatred.

I am a human being and deserve to be treated with love and respect, not played with like a toy by an adult acting like a 4 year old.

[the_way_back]

Its an interesting view. It has been suggested that they are often good-looking. I'm not sure really. All I know is my ex was ok looking. Nothing special really now that the rose tinted glasses have come off. And at the rate she piles on the make up her looks wont last too long. And the stress and drama can age you very quickly as well.

I'm not sure about this one really. I think it's more a case of they can be very manipulative and appear enigmatic rather than they are all generally physically appealing. My ex is in her mid 20's and my replacement is in his mid 40's. If she was all that, I'm sure she'd be with someone closer to her own age rather than some guy who simply wants to brag about having a 20 something girlfriend.

[sotiredtoonice]

I hope this isn't too off topic, but I have a question related to this and I would love to hear from all of you out there who have been through this. Like many others, my H is what I like to refer to as "paranoid". Reading all the posts on here about cheating, it makes me wonder, is he "paranoid" or his he "guilty". You know the saying about if they are acusing they must be guilty? I have been accused of cheating throughout our entire 7 year relationship. I have been followed, only to be found exactly where I said I would be, and ALONE. The other night I had to work an hour late. I called H and let him know. After returning home, I was sniffed...yes thats right, my H did not try to hide it or anything, he hugged me and clearly sniffed my neck. I asked (without though or I would have said something else) "why are you sniffing me?" he says, "no reason"... So what do you all think? 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[the_way_back]

Eeeep!

Difficult one. Even though my ex was a prolific cheat, it is something she would accuse me of regularly. It's wrong if you do it, but if they do it it's entirely justifiable and you probably deserved it. 

I'm not sure what to advise. Hopefully one of the more experienced members can help you but, and don't let this worry you, my gut tells me you may be right. I have read that they'll accuse you of doing what they're scared of being caught doing.

Like I said though, I'm in no position really to advise.

[sotiredtoonice]

Well I never really worried about it too much, frankly I would probably be greatful if he did, because then I would have what I call, "my reason", but recently he said something to the effect of if I ever cheated he could forgive me. I followed this up with, "if you ever cheated on me, that would be that, theres no forgiveness"... he was a little shocked to say the least.

[Anra]

@the_way_back

We enable them, of course, because we become ""parents"" in their eyes and we just like this position. A parent spoil his child and so on.

""The love of their life"" become ""a parental love from us to them"". It is the moment when we assume the caregiver role. Ironic, BPD usually cheat when they feel safe and loved but not in a way as we want to love them. For us is adult love, for them is just the way a parent loves his child. As a joke, I dont feel sorry for my mother when I have sex with someone else:). This is the way they think. It is not a ""cheating"" as we see, in fact, in their eyes, is not cheating at all, is more likely a ""validation"" of them been powerfull (with our help, of course). They are just children with adult means at their disposal. As our love evolves they are confident as it happened to us in late adolescence. They tend to leave ""the home"" and become independent people, hating those who try to stop them.

So, the problem is not cheating but our kind of love for them. Often, we tend to see them as children, spoil them. It is wrong, very wrong, as wrong as a real parent spoil his child. Not requiring strong limits for them is the worst thing we can do. Anyway, there is another problem and this is OUR problem; it seems we like them because they are BPD. This is the reason we must  focuse on ourselves, not on them and not on their actions. Because we dont need to repeat our past, do we?

P.S. Sorry for my English. I am tired and English is not my first language:)

[the_way_back]

Please don't apologise. I take your point and it's a very interesting way of looking at it. It certainly clarifies what you meant in your initial post and it does make sense to me.

Whichever way you, I or any one else here looks at it though, why would anyone want this in their life? Surely we deserve better.

I've never known what it feels like to have a partner stay faithful and have eyes for only me. I'd trade a winning lottery ticket to find out.

[Anra]

@the_way_back

Exactly, this is the point, not their reasons or their actions. They were in our lives because we have allowed it. The question is : why them and not someone who deservs our love or faith? Why that ""kind"" of them? ""The ball is on our side, not theirs""