Was Your BPDex An Utter Slob/Disorganized Mess?

[Think About It...]

I'm just curious.  I'm thinking my uBPDexbf also has a comorbid condition (ADD).  He could not complete an involved task in a reasonable amount of time because he would find "mini" task to do that he felt he HAD to do before he could move on to the next thing.  For instance, if he went to clean the garage (a disorganized mess that I gave up on) he just HAD to glue some broken thing, which meant cleaning off the workbench first.  He couldn't just put aside the broken thing to do until the garage was cleaned.

That's just a small example, of course.  He also NEVER put things back when he was done with them.  And if I had just cleaned the house...he'd leave his stuff everywhere.  No consideration of what I'd already done.

I was just curious to know if anyone else dealt with this.

Luckily, life is WAY different now!  

[~C]

I'm just curious.  I'm thinking my uBPDexbf also has a comorbid condition (ADD).  He could not complete an involved task in a reasonable amount of time because he would find "mini" task to do that he felt he HAD to do before he could move on to the next thing.  For instance, if he went to clean the garage (a disorganized mess that I gave up on) he just HAD to glue some broken thing, which meant cleaning off the workbench first.  He couldn't just put aside the broken thing to do until the garage was cleaned.

That's just a small example, of course.  He also NEVER put things back when he was done with them.  And if I had just cleaned the house...he'd leave his stuff everywhere.  No consideration of what I'd already done.

I was just curious to know if anyone else dealt with this.

Luckily, life is WAY different now!  

[Faded]

I used to walk into our home after a 12 hour shift and the ex on maternity leave from work with our very young daughter, the house was scattered in toys, clothes that needed washing and evening meal required for us all.

I used to walk in the house, tidy up, do the hoo- vering, load the washing/hang it out, cook the evening meal for us all, bath our baby and get her ready for bed.
I not saying her place was in the home but she really did nothing in the home of any value, when she did cook the evening meal she would act as though she wanted commending for her effort, not thanking. Even a loving thank you wasnt enough and was seen as some sort of minimal jibe!

That said i was certainly a bit of a clothes dropper in the bedroom but i always made sure our house was in good order but not in an OCD sense, i was just proud it was our own home.

She's long gone but her misery follows her where ever she goes and in the past when we have had contact ive seen her home is very nice in the living room but every where else seems a little upside down and cluttered.

My house now? nice n clean through out except my bedroom haha, still the same by dropping clothes on my floor when undressing but im really proud of the home ive built up for myself and my daughter.

Hows your living quarters changed(assuming your not living with your ex) ?

[Macamba]

Definitely a big mess in every aspect of life.
Household was/is a very big mess. Laundry everywhere. Dishes never done.
Starts with cooking and all of a sudden starts doing other things and forgets all about dinner or cleaning or whatever she was doing.
My S5 is living with her and dinner is never ready in time. Sometimes (3 times a week) my son will eat at 21 hours. He has to go to bed at max. 20 hours.
He will sleep directly after dinner (full belly).
Every morning there is stress to find clothes for our child. With everything she starts to late, so there is stress every morning when my son has to go to school. Always fighting in words with him.
So yes, absolutely a big mess and chaos in every aspect of her life.

[~C]

Oh boy...yes, the kids.  If they were going to eat dinner, I had to make sure it was done at a decent hour.  And forget getting them to bed.  He paid no attention to schedules.

If he started a project, as he often did, he'd never pay attention to what else might be going on.  I'd be 15 minutes to having dinner done and he'd start the dang lawn mower.

I remember after I left the ex, I had to go by his house to pick up some items I'd left.  EVERY surface in the house was cluttered with junk and papers and dishes.  It amazed me.  I then realized just how much time I spent cleaning up after him.

Thank goodness I'm far away from all that now!

My house now, with my wonderful nonBPD fiancee, is lovely.  Tidy and well maintained.  He picks up after himself...and doesn't feel the need to brag about it!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Ivan]

YES! the living room was always organized however our bedroom was a laundry chaos and her daughter's room was worse
piles of clothes everywhere! and the thing that really ticked me off was we had a very large wastbasket for the kitche under the sink and she would leave stuff on the kitchen counter like orange peelings or cheese wrappers or seed of something I mean the DANG WASTE BASKET IS UNDER THE SINK! her 6 year daughter was doing that too! poor thing!

then suddenly everything would be organized and sorted by color
and sanitized to the door knob, only to last a few days vbefor the mess piled up again.

[WallyGator]

Total slob.  Even when she came to my place she would leave dirty dishes out.  I was always doing the cooking.  The funny thing was (and is I'm sure) she takes pictures of herself and post them on facebook...everytime the unmade bed is the backdrop.  Really flippin strange.  I honestly don't think certain things dawn on her...she lives in lala land in so many ways. 

[Sofie]

My ex had a really strange relationship to order and cleanliness - she was extremely (overly) uptight about having some of her stuff in order - her CDs and DVDs, the clothes in her closet, the spices (which she never used) in her cupboard. She could absolutely not tolerate any disturbance of these systems - woe was me if I put anything in the wrong place!

In other regards, she was a complete slob - dirty dishes would remain in the sink until I did them, her toiletries were in a big jumbled pile, her shoes kicked off in random places. The same discrepancy was evident in her personal hygiene - on one hand, she was obsessed with always having freshly washed hair and perfect make-up, but she could go days without showering or changing underwear  - if I hadn't pushed her to clean herself up, I suspect she would have let even more time pass.

[geo03]

I used to joke with my ex that she lived like a frat boy. She was a slob. The house although picked up, had a film of filth, grease, and dog pee all over it (she never bothered to house train him).
Her son was totally indulged by her. He never did basic chores like picking up his room.
when we lived together I worked more hours than she did and basically did most of the heavy cleaning. Her son would trash it in no time, especially making spills in the kitchen, and wrecking the bath. He would pile up dirty dishes in his bedroom and kick up his dirty feet on the wall. I thinki she secretly revelled in this behavior,caught her grinning at him a few times when she didn't think I noticed.
Mostly disorganized when it came to anyone or anything that did not directly relate to her wants and needs.
Very organized when it came to her money, obsessively so.

[Rise]

I'm just curious.  I'm thinking my uBPDexbf also has a comorbid condition (ADD).  He could not complete an involved task in a reasonable amount of time because he would find "mini" task to do that he felt he HAD to do before he could move on to the next thing.  For instance, if he went to clean the garage (a disorganized mess that I gave up on) he just HAD to glue some broken thing, which meant cleaning off the workbench first.  He couldn't just put aside the broken thing to do until the garage was cleaned.

I am ADHDPI, and that sounds about right for ADD. Part of the condition is a "hyper-focus" on the things that do get our attention. The funny thing is, with a lot of things I'm completely disorganized, but the things that I am structured with, I am so to an obsessive degree. My room looks like a bomb went off, but if someone puts something in the wrong place in my pantry I can't handle it.

My ex though, is a mess as well. I think part of it is the fact that she just will not do things that she doesn't want to do. If she doesn't want to do laundry, there is not a force on the face of the planet that will make her. She will only do something if she feels there is going to be an immediate reward to what she's doing. She'll clean her house if someone is coming over so she'll look good, but otherwise will go weeks on end without picking up anything.

[diotima]

Yeah: total slob--EXCEPT for his desk, which was pristine and perfectly ordered. Everything else could go to hell in a handbasket.
Diotima

[luckystrikes]

total opposite, actually, she would clean constantly. it was kinda nice, actually. shed set about cleaning my whole house, and she NEVER used it against me, or accused me of not helping, or anything. most of the time id help of course, but if i wanted to relax, id encourage her to do the same, but she would just insist she felt like cleaning, so id let her.

i do think ive seen both add and adhd (i still distinguish between the two) in a number of pwBPD. certainly my ex. a little bit of OCD, but not at all full blown. im sure it became somewhat of a coping mechanism for her, but it seems to me a pretty healthy one.

add, adhd or not, i believe what youre describing is a characteristic of "low functioning" BPD.

[seventeen]

My exBPDgf was disgustingly dirty.  NEVER did the dishes (think MONTHS...she would then resort to purchasing paper plates.  The kitchen smelled like rotten food), would throw items randomly all over the place (and then rage when she couldn't find anything...hmm I wonder why), would flick her cigarette ash onto the floor, had an animal that would poop all over the floor...she was just filthy.

Also, she would go days without showering as well.  I would wonder how long she'd go without changing her sheets if I didn't do it for her.  GROSS.

[Mauser]

No, my ex was pretty normal. I wouldn't put him in the OCD neat-freak category, but there was no clutter or mess. He was pretty squared away. He was also extremely high functioning.

I also had a friend who had BPD, and she was mid-functioning (life was always in chaos, but could hold down jobs some of the time) and she had clutter, but wasn't a slob. In fact, she would come to my house and clean.

[GettinStronger]

oh wow!  YES my xBPDbf was a slob  I have never quite seen the mess he could leave in the kitchen after cooking dinner! I thought it was a family trait (his father's house was always a wreck - dirty dishes all over)  Clothes, computer parts, shoes oh i do not miss cleaning up after him AT ALL!

[Whatwasthat?]

Mine was a complete neat freak. He even ironed face flannels!
However he did have a problem completing significanct tasks.

[bpdlover]

My ex would clean her place whenever she got the opportunity and would often walk away and clean while I waited because she found it hard to live in a mess. She couldn't hold a routine together at the time so her place did look pretty messy and she certainly had problems finishing tasks. She enrolled in a course and several months later admitted herself to a psyche ward, thought about taking Motherhood seriously for about three minutes and then began talking up a career in the military after she had given birth. Life is like a box of chocolates.

[~C]

My ex would clean her place whenever she got the opportunity and would often walk away and clean while I waited because she found it hard to live in a mess. She couldn't hold a routine together at the time so her place did look pretty messy and she certainly had problems finishing tasks. She enrolled in a course and several months later admitted herself to a psyche ward, thought about taking Motherhood seriously for about three minutes and then began talking up a career in the military after she had given birth. Life is like a box of chocolates.

BPDlover,

I've been in the military for 10 years.  I have two wonderful boys.  Please don't equate being in the military with not taking motherhood seriously.  My career in the Army has afforded me and my boys opportunities and benefits I'd not find anywhere else in this crappy economy. 

That said, I totally understand your frustration with the mess and inability to complete tasks.  I'm thinking, like another poster mentioned, that this is a trait of low-functioning BPDs...and the more I read, the more I an certain that my BPDexbf was just BARELY holding it together in public.  I'm still not sure how I ended up in that mess.  Felt sorry for him and his situation (single dad), I guess. 

[redberry]

He was maniacally clean (kind of OCD) about some things.  he kept his living space very clean.  His car was a total disaster though.  spilled drinks in the carpet, on the console, left there for years. just gross.  It was strange.

[eric1024]

My ex gf was basically a neat freak. Not OCD but definitely loved cleaning and keeping everything clean around the house...I really miss that part about her!    Not that I'm a slob or anything along those lines. I just don't lose any sleep if I haven't vacuumed in over a week. Of course, her mother and grandmother used to have cleaning jobs so that may have helped my ex when she needed to focus on something when her thoughts got too much to bear.

[bpdlover]

Hi C. Please don't equate not taking Motherhood seriously with being in the military. Just because they are in a sentence together doesn't some how link them together. My ex would often phone either her parents or her current or ex bf's, telling them she didn't want her kids. Her desire to be in a job such as the military was a product of her watching a television series (fiction) and the first thing out of her mouth was, I could wear what they wear and use a firearm. Not the same as a career and/or good Mother. Be clear about something before you take it personally. I was also not frustrated with her mess, she was, which is why I would wait for her to finish cleaning up. That was ok but she would be so upset with how easily the place would get messy.