Borderline Waifs

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Waifs are exhausting.  Mine is actually an overeater.  I attribute that to an addictive D/O or maybe to self-soothing.  His past includes smoking 3 ppd for years, enjoys gambling, addictive with taking vacations-- especially when he can't afford it, addictive on partners, alcohol abuse, and now is morbidly obese.  

Mine was an overeater too when he was dysregulated.  Would binge on food like nobody I have ever seen.  Spending close to $20 at McDonalds and eat every bite of it.  Or he would seriously binge drink, downing shots, beer, liquor.  Or would gamble away every last penny in one night.  Or waste money, yes on vacations or gadgets, anything.  Every now and again, he would "binge exercise" and hurt himself with over exertion.  He's not obese, but has gained weight over the years and will be in real trouble when his metabolism slows down.

[redberry]

Waifs are exhausting.  Mine is actually an overeater.  I attribute that to an addictive D/O or maybe to self-soothing.  His past includes smoking 3 ppd for years, enjoys gambling, addictive with taking vacations-- especially when he can't afford it, addictive on partners, alcohol abuse, and now is morbidly obese.  

Mine was an overeater too when he was dysregulated.  Would binge on food like nobody I have ever seen.  Spending close to $20 at McDonalds and eat every bite of it.  Or he would seriously binge drink, downing shots, beer, liquor.  Or would gamble away every last penny in one night.  Or waste money, yes on vacations or gadgets, anything.  Every now and again, he would "binge exercise" and hurt himself with over exertion.  He's not obese, but has gained weight over the years and will be in real trouble when his metabolism slows down.

[bpdlover]

Actually, come to think of it, she did consume lots of chips and sit there watching television. Had hermit characteristics. It fluctuated so much though. Just wondering if this is groundhog day? Didn't we post on waifs recently?

[eric1024]

I met a woman (36 at the time) who came across as a happy-go-lucky, cheery, social person when I first met her. We hit it off right off the bat. I realized she came from a very troubled childhood and that she needed some stability in her life. She told me how wonderful and amazing I was throughout the first year, or so, of our relationship. Plenty of two-way communication from both of us saying how much we loved each other. In the first few months of the relationship she would always say 'I know you're going to leave me' whenever it was time for me to head home. I figured the previous guys in her life were looking for nothing but a physical relationship and just couldn't relate to her the way I could. I always reassured her I wasn't going to leave her.

The first three years, she really tried improving herself (self-improvement, counselor, antidepressants, etc.). The weird thing to me was how we could never get past square one. We would have a great week, or two, but then she would get all pissed off about something seemingly meaningless and it was like our relationship did a 'reboot' and back to square one. I could never figure out why an outside force like her being pissed off with her boss had to affect everything else in her life. It's like if one person pissed her off, she just shut down from life. Sometimes I would do or say the 'wrong' thing to her and she would shut down and withdraw from me. Eventually she would come around and things would be 'normal' again (sometimes acting like nothing ever happened to start with). In the beginning, this would happen less frequently but as the years went on the cycles shortened and it seemed like her mood changed by the hour. I shut down for fear of pissing her off, always remembering the wonderful girl I used to know and hoping she'd return, if only for an hour or so. She never raged (I wouldn't have tolerated this), she just shut down and withdrew.

I was relatively close with her out-of-state family and my mother and her grandmother were 'phone friends', calling each other a couple of times a week. Her grandmother was the love of her life. Sadly, her grandmother passed away five years into our relationship. Needless to say, this rocked her world. She began withdrawing more and more from our relationship. At this time she had been living with me for over a year. Four months after she, my mother, and I had made the 10-hour trip (one way) to her grandmother's memorial service, she announced she had been screwing around behind my back and was moving out! I was absolutely blown away...how could someone I promised never to leave, gave 100% of myself to  :'(for almost 6 years, and gave and did too much to list here just flip a switch like without even batting an eye?

That was eight months ago and I'm just starting to pull things together.

This brief description only touches the tip of the iceberg in terms of specifics but that's the gist of it. Looking for answers after she left me, I was shocked to learn of BPD. So much of our relationship is described to a tee with this disorder. I guess it's nice to know others know what I went through and am dealing with. I just wish I didn't remember all the 'good' times we had.   

-Eric

[MindfulJavaJoe]

My uBPD/NPD STBXw was a waif for most of oor r/s.

She had been a victim for most of her life.
Anyone would take pity on her when she told the stories of her father, her bosses, friends that had treater her badly, her family that were mean to he.

She craved to be loved and looked after.

What does this say about me as a man that I used to find this actractive? 

She certainly was not normal. I know that.

She is no longer a waif with me. She is full of blame, accusations, resentment and rejection. I'm sure her new bf has not seen this side of her yet.

So my question to you is why did you find your waif attractive?
What need in you did it satisfy to have a waif in your life? 

MJJ

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[eric1024]

So my question to you is why did you find your waif attractive?
What need in you did it satisfy to have a waif in your life?

For me it filled a void of loneliness and my desire to help people. Having what felt like a best friend and gf at the same time seemed perfect, at the time.

[abovebeyond]

Quote

"For me it filled a void of loneliness and my desire to help people. Having what felt like a best friend and gf at the same time seemed perfect, at the time."


Same here.

Like others, I think they switch Borderline roles as the RS comes to an end, mutating into a Witch or Queen in order to mentally disengage from the RS when the split. That sweet waif goes bye bye and in comes the terror.


The love is so sweet with the Waif in the beginning, which makes it astronomically harder to process the devaluation during the break ups.

Sigh.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

For me it filled a void of loneliness and my desire to help people. Having what felt like a best friend and gf at the same time seemed perfect, at the time.

You are not alone.
Mea Culpa.

We all need to take a hard look at ourselves. I spent 20 years trying to fill a bucket of emotional emptiness. I tried valiently.

In the middle of thsi I lost myself, who I was. I wasn't happy and never had my own needs met.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to help another especially someone we love but at what cost to ourselves?

MJJ

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Cross reference with the following thread on trust?

Was you waif trustwothy? Take the test.

Were you too trusting and if so why?

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=175111.0


MJJ

[MindfulJavaJoe]

                 Why were you attracted to your Waif? 

It's a fair question. If you do not answer it then what is to stop you falling for another?
It is common for us to fall from one BPD r/s to another...

The lessons to be learnt all relate to ourselves and noth e pwBPD.

[oceanblue]

What does this say about me as a man that I used to find this actractive? 

When I met my BPDbf - I was newly divorced and my self-esteem had taken a huge blow. Along comes this guy who hangs on my every word.  The mirroring made me feel like we had so much in common.  And his willingness to reveal everything made me feel trusted and desirable.  I was very much susceptible to all the flattery at that point in my life so I ignored a lot of red flags.

I've realized I have some pretty big abandonment issues myself and my divorce made them worse. The waif, in his helplessness, made me feel like, no matter how badly things got, he would not abandon me.  Of course, I never realized he would be the one to make things worse and I would WANT him to leave.  In many ways, his unhealthy helplessness made me feel like the white knight.  Now that I understand that dynamic, I realize it was a fantasy.  Rescuing him did not make our relationship more secure.  It actually destabilized it and created a dynamic where he relied on me for everything and I resented it.

I also realize I get a big emotional reward from "rescuing" other people and I tend to own their problems.  I've made a conscious effort to understand myself in this regard and I no longer take on other people's problems as my own.  I can offer empathy but not time, money or energy unless I really think about it in a conscious way. 

Because I tend to focus on other people's problems, I forget about taking care of myself and my needs.  Learning to put my own needs first in my life has brought me tremendous happiness.

A lot of my post-relationship work has been on myself, getting to know myself and understanding my triggers.  It hasn't been easy but I am happier, more secure and content down to my core.  My health is improved and I enjoy new friends, hobbies and interests.  I am not dating just yet but I am happier than I have been in a long, long time.  I know my next partner will be employed and competant in life and stable.  And I'm willing to wait for that.

[dah1029]

Redberry--  or ex's sound like the same person.

I wasn't attracted to the waifiness of the ex.  His behavior annoyed me and I blatantly saw manipulation.  I had no idea he was BPD until I investigated various topics on the internet after our demise.  After he dysreulated and we split up, I seemed to escalate into codependency when he admitted to hiding alcohol abuse from me, his depression, and then my personal discovery and amateur diagnosis that he was most likely BPD.  That was the perfect storm for my caretaking issues.  That started me on a downhill spiral of depression, wanting to save him, and caring more about his BPD than the effects of his behavior on me and my kids.  Lately, I finally feel like my focus is about me.  Finally.  It's taken hardwork, therapy, this board, Cymbalta, and starting to date a new man that I'm having alot of fun with. 

[bpdlover]

MJJ makes a good point. We get fooled (largely by ourselves) into believing they are helpless victims until they become the perpetrator and throw nothing but false accusations, blame and hatred our way. Like my T mentioned to me several times, even drawing a diagram for me to remember it with, she is a survivor and not the person I thought she was.