For those w/a BPD wife and have children... can they make good mothers?

[Think About It...]

I am very undecided of my relationship with my exBPDgf.  We aren't together now, but based on her recycle attempts in the past, it will be inevitable that she will come around. 80% of the time, she is a sweet, loving, and caring person.  When she becomes too stressed and her emotions become dysregulated, the other 20% returns.

For those that have a wife w/BPD and have children, how are they at being nurturing mothers?  I eventually want to have kids, but I'm worried that my ex will make a very unfit mother (as her mother was to her).  This is the hardest part of me seeing a future with her.

[wrangler1217]

I am very undecided of my relationship with my exBPDgf.  We aren't together now, but based on her recycle attempts in the past, it will be inevitable that she will come around. 80% of the time, she is a sweet, loving, and caring person.  When she becomes too stressed and her emotions become dysregulated, the other 20% returns.

For those that have a wife w/BPD and have children, how are they at being nurturing mothers?  I eventually want to have kids, but I'm worried that my ex will make a very unfit mother (as her mother was to her).  This is the hardest part of me seeing a future with her.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think that this question can be better answered by some who have had BPD mothers/fathers.  So reading their experiences may result in better understanding.

Please  prevent conception until you have made this decision with a great deal of knowledge and understanding of the impact of this disorder on not only the children, but also on the loving spouses.

Hope can be very seductive.  Don't make a decision just based on Hope.

[desperate dutchman]

I can only speak for myself. My uDBPw of 20 yrs is a great mother and I have never questioned or mistrusted her w our kids her. Her  FOO is really dysfuntional and multi siblings and parent are BPD ...that being said look around the boards and you will see many polar opposite stories...

One thing you have going for you is that you have both eyes open and aware at the begining of the relationship...I stuggled for 17 yrs before a T suggested that this might be the problem... I have made mistakes that I am trying to unwind but that is why I am on the staying board

Good luck

[wrangler1217]

Don't make a decision just based on Hope

Absolutely not.  I just wanted to see, from a nons perspective, if they are good mothers.  My parents always told me never to date anyone that I couldn't see myself marrying.  But someone said to me the other day when talking about the relationship, "Relationships are more complex than people try to make them out to be.  It's easy - you list your short, mid, and long-term goals and objectives.  Then you try to find a match with someone who has a similar list.  For instance, is one of your goals to eventually have children?"  I said, "yes".  He said, "what about hers?"

I knew she wanted kids too, but before I really answered, I thought about whether or not she'd even be a good mother.  If she can't control some of her actions (non-violent, but still - not normal at all) because her emotions are driving her decisions during our relationship, what would make it any different with a child?  The one thing I've really learned throughout all my research on BPD is the significance of, not just a loving...but STABLE environment when bringing up a child.

One thing you have going for you is that you have both eyes open and aware at the begining of the relationship

Yes, which makes it easier to walk away (still is hard).  I couldn't imagine how hard it would be if kids were involved.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Wrangler 1217:

I admire you for putting yourself through this rigorous thought process. 

The answer to your question will not come as a brilliant shining epiphany, it will come as a slow realization.

Your first instinct will be to suppress the realization, to rationalize it away...because you do not wish to be an unkind person.  You want to be an accepting person.

Yet...and yet...you may be a very kind accepting person and loving, and forgiving...it is the childrens' welfare that is paramount.

There are no guarantees...my very sane and loving sister went through extreme post partum depression that turned close to psychosis due to the fact that they lived in a City that was under bombardment when their child was born.  (Of course, this disappeared as soon as they left the City and went to a safer part of the country.)

There are no guarantees...all one can do is stack the cards as best as one can in one's favor.

So, stack your cards wisely...and with an eye to the children's welfare...just as you are doing.

Raising a child presents with challenges that are excruciating even for the sanest of the sane people.  Every little quirk, every little thing will emerge magnified.

To repeat, I admire you in that you are indeed mindful of the high stakes of a relationship...made even higher with the arrival of the children.

[yeeter]

Hi wrangler,

This is a really hard question to answer with any certainty.  Its going to depend on a number of things, including the person

I think some are good mothers.  My wife is.  Up until she deregulates and is extreme to the children.  The long term effect?  I don't know yet, ask me in 15 years.

I do know that your choices are different when children involved. So there is no rip cord to pull once you start down that path.  For me the bigger issue is that after a decade, the relationship wore me out.  But I'm in it with three children, so no bailing out.

Maybe plan to wait three years before children.  Give some time for the relationship to settle first

[GreenMango]

Wrangler,

A wise friend once told me marriage and children are the great magnifiers in life.  They make the good better and the bad worse.

If you are in a healthy position emotionally, your partner is healthy, and your relationship is healthy then good things can come of it.  But like anything you can only take responsibility for your half and make an informed choice hoping your partner does the same.  Does it mean it's peach and cream all the time...no.  No marriage is and neither is parenting all the time.

But looking at the reality, as it is now, and not betting on your future may help you decide.  This along with reading about healthy relationships, knowing what you want and what your bottom line is may help to light your way on this path.

You ask yourself the hard questions...this is benefit.

GM

[BentNotBroken]

In my experience,  NO they do not make good mothers, because they are so incredibly selfish and emotionally unstable. My son is nothing more than the latest thing that gets attention for my BPD exgf. She cannot control her impulses enough to be a stable parent, and she is going to do incredible damage to him if I fail in my attempt to get custody away from her. I wish I were exaggerating, but I have seen her rages firsthand, there is no way a child will be psychologically healthy growing up with that directed at him every few weeks.

[wrangler1217]

Thank you for all of your insight.  My ex is 25, so I used to think she just hadn't matured yet.  I used to think that she would grow up in a few years.  Being 25 is relatively young, and at first, I tried to contribute her behavior to that.  But as the "that's just not normal" behavior set in, I realized that its the BPD and not her maturity.  Especially looking at her mother being 50, and still doing the same behavior she was doing at 30.

Digressing a little bit, I'm also thinking about how I can have compassion for my ex as I read more into the disorder, but I don't share the same feeling towards her mother. 

[xeon]

Thank you for all of your insight.  My ex is 25, so I used to think she just hadn't matured yet.  I used to think that she would grow up in a few years.  Being 25 is relatively young, and at first, I tried to contribute her behavior to that.  But as the "that's just not normal" behavior set in, I realized that its the BPD and not her maturity.  Especially looking at her mother being 50, and still doing the same behavior she was doing at 30.

Digressing a little bit, I'm also thinking about how I can have compassion for my ex as I read more into the disorder, but I don't share the same feeling towards her mother. 

My wife isn't that great of a mother... sad to say.  She is more concerned with her needs than our kids needs.  Her activities with our kids are mostly things she gets something out of... shopping, going tanning, nails, etc.  My one daughter plays softball and I take her to practices, games, etc.  My wife says stuff like I'm not a softball mom.  She doesn't do mom sort of stuff and even makes comments about other "good moms"... like my daughter mentioned when she goes over to a friends house her mom always makes them "food".  My wife complains when she has to take the kids somewhere, pick them up, wash their clothes, etc.  She talks a lot about the kids being gone and our life without them.  She was most motherly when the kids were babies and toddlers.  Most of the time she behaves like another sibling bickering with the kids and the kids do not respect her.     

My wife also hasn't matured much from when I met her honestly.  Buying her a mother's day card is difficult... I know she loves our kids, but many cards just don't describe the way she "mothers".  Many of the cards draw the picture of moms putting family first, tireless effort, time spent doing mommy stuff... I'm not bragging, it is sad.  I don't think this is a conscious choice for her... she makes comments about good moms and has no idea that she could possibly even be "that".   

[wrangler1217]

That's very sad, xeon.  A lot of people's stories on here (and even my ex's history) has made me very thankful of the environment that I grew up in.  Until I was in high school, I don't think I even realized that most families don't spend dinner time together around a table.  The TV was off, and we talked about our day...it didn't matter if a football game was on or the rapture was coming.  My dad always coached my baseball team, taught me how to build things, and overall - how to be a man of good character.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom, and always played and read to us at night.  She sacraficed so much of herself to make sure we had everything we needed.

Of course, when I have a family one day...I've realized that I just don't necessarily want those things that I grew up with, but I expect it. 

And yes GreenMango, I couldn't agree more.  I haven't been emotionally healthy since the break-up, and I'm trying to decide if it's just due to the break-up or if it's something more that I'm missing.  Either way, before a reunion is even possible, I have to be 100% emotionally healthy, not only for my benefit - but for hers too.

[xeon]

I grew up in a bad environment and dreamed of providing the sort of upbringing you spoke of... I had no idea that my wife had the issues she does.  What we talked about and I dreamed of in our two years of dating and early married years just never came to pass.  My take... if you want anything like you speak of, you should not knowingly enter into a marriage with a woman you suspect has BPD. 

[artman.1]

     Thank you for all of your insight.  My ex is 25, so I used to think she just hadn't matured yet.  I used to think that she would grow up in a few years.  Being 25 is relatively young, and at first, I tried to contribute her behavior to that.  But as the "that's just not normal" behavior set in, I realized that its the BPD and not her maturity.  Especially looking at her mother being 50, and still doing the same behavior she was doing at 30.
     Digressing a little bit, I'm also thinking about how I can have compassion for my ex as I read more into the disorder, but I don't share the same feeling towards her mother. 

     Wrangler, If you look at her Mom, and then see she has the same traits, where do you think those traits came from?  Her Mom.  Why, it is not caused by genetics, but developed in a disfunctional family with invalidation and sometimes abusive behaviors from the BPD parent.  That said, it is still not all conclusive, as in my RS with my wife with BPD for the last 44 years.  She was an extremely good mother, and one of the very best around.  I am probably the main reason for that.  She raged at me in private, and humiliated me and abused me in private, while openly loving and nurturing my three sons, who all have grown up healthy, and well centered, as they are all three successful Engineers.  Whe knows how things will work out in your future, but there is a chance she could become a very good mother, but I don't believe that it is very good odds, unless you totally sacrifice yourself as I did.  I do lovr her, and others keep asking why, but I do.  She has refused all intimacy of any kind for the last 36 years.  I discovered she is a BPD a year and half ago, and I have been working on me ever since

With Love, Art   

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