I am learning SO much about BPD, m BPDh (who is wonderful and the man whom I love very much) and myself.
WOW has abuse really screwed us both up. I have been dealing with my past abuse damage and issues for many years;my BPDh still is not open to talking very much about abuse from his father. But the more that I accept the fact that we were damaged by abuse; look at HOW it has damaged us and allowed myself to feel hurt and express my feelings to myself (self-validation
), the MORE that I have COMPASSION on how my BPDh feels and "lives his life". I feel that I am finally taking much better care of myself through all of this.
I am saddened that he does not see how hiding from his pain; trying to blame and project it onto me is NOT helping him or our relationship. Reading several BPD books has helped me emotionally detach enough to SEE a projection or pending emotional dysregulation and SIDE TRACK IT.
Going to the health clinic was REALLY helpful; he has seemed to "pause and look" a little more and when I do not respond with his anticipated "hurt or angry" response; I just look at him as if I am saying "what do you need?" I plan on following up with "I am confused about your response/statement...what are you trying to say to me?" I expect that he expects that the "next" dysregulation will garner a "WE NEED HELP" comment along with "We need someone to help us talk about this"... (broken record). Reminding me NOT to engage in circular conversations, perpetuate his emo dysregulation and stating my boundary of not allowing myself to be yelled at and abused in any way.
My BPDh came downstairs in the morning and angrily said "I think I will put the BIG speakers right here so you can hear my game while you are trying to sleep (upstairs)." I could have responded in SO MANY UNHELPFUL ways but I immediately FOCUSED ON HIS FEELINGS (anger) and NOT the attack (toward me). I said "OH, are you angry? You are angry because we were making too much noise and it woke you or kept you up. You think that we were doing it intentionally. I am sorry hon, we were trying to be quiet and didn't mean to wake you; we will be much quieter next time." Following up on this; the next few mornings; he said that he was NOT bothered by any noise and was even surprised to find me at home (after taking son to school) since I was so quiet. LOL...
I said NOTHING about his INAPPROPRIATE attack on me or his "retort" to hurt me in return, per se.
I DID NOT ask if he was ok with that? What could he say?
I DID not continue to explain or apologize.
I changed the subject and "let him be with his feelings" and continued to "start the day better"...
This was the THIRD day in a row that he just verbally antagonized me all morning/day (when he stayed home from work). He is not getting much sleep; has a few "issues" that are "stressing him out" (his words) and he is gaming a lot; I think it is distraction/soothing for him. I told him that I would like to play a game of Scrabble with him and he consented. We love Scrabble.
Overall, I FEEL MUCH BETTER; it has been since over a week with no ED and I am taking better care of myself. He even commented "why I was getting dressed" to get my son from the bus stop; planning on going to the library, I told him that "I am doing it for ME". I am letting him know that I CARE ABOUT ME and I WILL CARE FOR ME. I hope he gets jealous and wants to "Be better to me than I am to myself".