push-pull.. how to deal with the pushing away part.

[Think About It...]

My lover hasn't seen me for a week, and contact has been sporadic. We hadn't had a quality conversation until last night, and I asked if she was avoiding me. She blew up at me via text and said it was my fault b/c of my childcare schedule. Which yes, has been difficult this week, but she has made no effort to work with me (partially b/c she wants me to get a divorce- I have been separated for 2 yrs and am proceeding with divorce, but it's not fast enough for her, and she often uses this against me.)

So I try and call, and she says my phone is not working, she can't hear me. Ok. Then she texts me and says I'd better think about what I just texted (regarding how me asking if she was avoiding me hurt her feelings b/c of course, it's all MY fault) before I call her later. So I give it an hour, and call to apologize/validate her feelings. At this point I think she has had a few drinks, and has turned into The Sweetheart. We have a sweet, loving conversation. I feel relieved.

And of course today, she's back to her chilly self.

I wonder if I will hear from her later after a few drinks.

Or will I get angry text messages from her sober self.

I am trying to detach and take a step backward, and understand the realities of BPD. But I'm feeling sad. I really thought things were "back to normal" last night, it was such a sweet conversation. How do I stay detached, and not get too depressed?

I asked her last night if she wanted to take a break, if the fact I'm not divorced bothers her so much. Of course not. She'd rather push me around.

[emdily]

My lover hasn't seen me for a week, and contact has been sporadic. We hadn't had a quality conversation until last night, and I asked if she was avoiding me. She blew up at me via text and said it was my fault b/c of my childcare schedule. Which yes, has been difficult this week, but she has made no effort to work with me (partially b/c she wants me to get a divorce- I have been separated for 2 yrs and am proceeding with divorce, but it's not fast enough for her, and she often uses this against me.)

So I try and call, and she says my phone is not working, she can't hear me. Ok. Then she texts me and says I'd better think about what I just texted (regarding how me asking if she was avoiding me hurt her feelings b/c of course, it's all MY fault) before I call her later. So I give it an hour, and call to apologize/validate her feelings. At this point I think she has had a few drinks, and has turned into The Sweetheart. We have a sweet, loving conversation. I feel relieved.

And of course today, she's back to her chilly self.

I wonder if I will hear from her later after a few drinks.

Or will I get angry text messages from her sober self.

I am trying to detach and take a step backward, and understand the realities of BPD. But I'm feeling sad. I really thought things were "back to normal" last night, it was such a sweet conversation. How do I stay detached, and not get too depressed?

I asked her last night if she wanted to take a break, if the fact I'm not divorced bothers her so much. Of course not. She'd rather push me around.

[Rose Tiger]

My husband kind of detaches after being close sometimes and it is difficult.  I learned to not take it personally, that his pushing away is his coping mechanism and he'll come back around in his own time.  I wonder if your partner came up with an excuse rather than delve into her own behavior.  My husband will do this, I ask him why he didn't answer an email or something and I'll get an ear full on how the email wasn't written nicely or something lame like that.  It is really hard for him to say, oh sorry for not answering and here's my response to that email.  He can't self reflect but he sure can critique me. 

[Rose Tiger]

Also, it is like my husband hears that he is bad or did something wrong when I ask why he didn't do something.  He didn't get the message that he was ok when he was little, he would get blindsided for not doing something right.  It wasn't safe for him to say, oh sorry, I meant to pick up my room.  So when I ask, he feels like he is in trouble.

Maybe a better approach with your partner would be to say to her that she has been so busy lately and then she'll feel safe to say what's been on her plate and why she hasn't been around.