They say the BPD gets WORSE when you marry them.

[Think About It...]

100 times worse. Now they have you legally. They will keep asking you to how up this, sacrifice that (things like friends, church, health, time, hobbies...). You either do it believing the guarantees that it is temporary or it will result in a closer, richer marriage. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Like me 3 years ago, you will end up empty, confused, depressed, angry, resentful, and feeling worthless. Or you could have healthy boundaries and do what you need to be healthy and thrive. It is hard, but you can avoid being so drained

This was my marriage & the legal side she had me in her grip.
What a nightmare to get out of it , which I duly did.

Blessings

[Dub 1]

100 times worse. Now they have you legally. They will keep asking you to how up this, sacrifice that (things like friends, church, health, time, hobbies...). You either do it believing the guarantees that it is temporary or it will result in a closer, richer marriage. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Like me 3 years ago, you will end up empty, confused, depressed, angry, resentful, and feeling worthless. Or you could have healthy boundaries and do what you need to be healthy and thrive. It is hard, but you can avoid being so drained

This was my marriage & the legal side she had me in her grip.
What a nightmare to get out of it , which I duly did.

Blessings

[SWLSR]

I am married to a BPD women who is most likley a waif.  We have been married for nearly 15 years, we are now separted and are most likley headed for divorce.  I would not advise anyone marry such a person, but if you do this is what you have to expect.  The non is expected to make most if not all of the sacrifices.  If the Bpd makes one they feel they have made something so great that you will never be able to repay them, not  matter how trivial it is, any thing to do above and beyond for them is expected and do not think anything will ever be repaid for it.  They will have few real friends becasue sooner or later they will either drive them away or they will be so offended by something done to them that they never want to speak to thier friend again.  So if you want a social life you will carry the load.  They will quit or be fired from there jobs several times and when they do you will carry the load, if you lose your job though you better find one in a hurry becasue they are not going to help you.  You never have enough money there just is not enough, if you ever get any they will run through it, often times spending on frivolous things.  They will lie to you, and hide things from you, but when you find out, you are expected to understand, however do not think you can do the same with them.  Yo will be accused of cheating or thining about cheating, but usually you find out they have done it but you must be understading if you find out.  Many will want to have children and they may go off birth contol without telling you to have them.  In my case we had two wonderful boys and I was happy, but she wanted another one and in our mid forties we did, she went through post partum, refused to get help and thus the marrige is imperil.  It is also going to be a diffucult divorce becasue they expect you not to fight for anything and you will be replaced quickly.  Mine has now declared her self engaged to her new bf even though we are not divorced, she is ever wearing the engagment ring I gave her becasue niether she not her bf have a job.  However if you decide to move on she will not accept it and she will do what she can to break it up.

In the end there are some good moments but it is not worth it.

[NicholeMarie]

I agree 100% with SWLSR. 

My Dad told me that he though things would get better after they were married.  After marriage, he told her that things she did hurt him or he didn't like it or what have you. She either jokingly or angrily told him he had to deal with it because they were married.  Her words exactly.  Among other things I kinda wish my father had never told me (but at the time, I was the first and only one who had ever validated his experience.  Its and incredible feeling to know that you're not alone and Im happy to have been there for him)

A few times he had had some medical issues with his back i believe.  The DOCTOR told him in front of her, "well it would really help if you could rub his back in [such an such] spot so as to move along the healing process."  She gritted her teeth in front of the doctor, but when they got home, she acted as though he had asked her to give up her life. 

   Many will want to have children and they may go off birth contol without telling you to have them. 

So my father also told me that he had gotten together with my mother one day for lunch to tell her he wanted to end it.  She convinced him to give her another chance.  I truly believe she saw or felt this coming because 2 weeks later ( Hi!)  .  My mother was 3 mo prego when they got married. I truly believe that she stopped taking the BC so that she would get pregnant and he would have to stay.   

[nylonsquid]

Yes, it probably does. Anything that makes things more stable and better builds the amount of loss. The more there is in the relationship the more there is to lose if loss is bound to happen as they believe, a self fulfilling prophecy.

However, BPD triggers are different form one person to the other. To some it's engagement, others it's marriage, others it's children.. it depends on how 'real' the relationship is. In my case, after the first breakup, I told her I loved her and explained how we can build a life together, I thought this will make things better. She probably thought so too. Once she came back it was way worse than before to my frustration.

She had already had a 2 year relationship with someone and they lived together for a year. She told him she loved him but in my brief 3 (or 5) month relationship she couldn't get herself to muster the words "I love you". This was her giving in and she couldn't do that when it was real to her.

Her admitting her feelings to me was the biggest hurdle for her. Though I never asked her to tell me anything.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[gettingoverit]

SWLSR just wrote what it was like living with my ex. The only difference is that my ex was able to hold down a job. In fact she is very good at what she does. People just loved her because she was kind and gracious (you know tha facade that waifs can play). Lots of fantasy, lots of secrecy, lots of blaming, lots of avoiding responsibility etc. I wanted to marry this woman, but based on what I have heard by others who were unfortunate enough to marry theirs, I am sooooooo glad I listened to my gut and avoided it. Somebody somewhere was looking out for me.

[GreenMango]

Like BeyondBelief mentioned his ex was okay through the marriage up until becoming a parent.  Other members have had mixed results.  Mine went downhill with the impending death of a parent.

The thread tying the reaction seems to be emotionally stressful situations where the potential for loss is high.  Knowing how a person will handle, or is capable, of handling what life throws at you whether it be marriage, children, new job, moving, parents, etc is very important.

I think all the signs were there for a long time.  They were hard to decipher at times, but they were there none the less. 

It really puts who you pick as you partner into perspective.

Has this experience changed your needs and wants for a partner?

GM

[Dub 1]

SWLSR said exactly what my xBPD/npdw was like.I could identify with everything said.

Wow makes me think I was not the only one to go through this .

[oceanblue]

Greenmango asks the right question.  It just took me a while to see it.  When I moved in with my BPDbf, I took a lot of things for granted - like he would continue to hold a job, he would be emotionally supportive, etc.  I have definitely learned I can't take those things for granted from any partner and I have to have (and my partner needs to be capable of) having those discussions.  In retrospect, there were a million red flags in my BPDbf relationship that I ignored.  Overall, it was a hugely expensive and painful lesson but I definitely learned a lot.

I am in the process of relocating so I haven't started dating yet.  I'm looking forward to dating again.  I've learned to take things very slowly, let the relationship grow and to let the other person earn my trust.  I also think I need to preserve my single life to have the ability to walk away if the other person turns out to be abusive or difficult.  Most importantly, I've learned about my co-dependent traits and that I don't need to solve or own other people's problems.  My last BPD relationship was built around me "rescuing" my BPDbf in a myriad of ways.  When I stopped the rescuing, he raged or sulked or acted out.  I enabled his behavior and ended up doing a lot just to keep him shut up and that was ultimately draining on me.  I know I need to change my behavior and my choice of partners to have a better outcome for myself. 

[OTB]

My therapist told me that if I moved in with my ex that would not be enough...she would want marriage and then that would not be enough...and something else.  Nothing would satisfy her (even my ex's brother told me that). 

My ex had an emotional bucket that never got full...in fact it had a leak in it.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

The following was my personal expeirence:

Claimed her wedding day was ruined by her friends.
Did not want to make love the night of out wedding.
Sulked and complianed of feeling empty for the entire Honeymoon.
Complained tat nobody liked her more frequently.
On returning home cycles of push and pull became more frquent and more intense.
Became more needy.
Became more irrational if her need werenot met.
went from Job to Job more frequently.
Wanted to have a bigger house and to have children.
Got worse by a long long way after children. Simply could not cope.

Need to have children was in retrospect just like marriage just a notion that she hopedwould make her happy. She never love me.
Sadly I suspect she will never be happy. She has been kind enought to set me free however.

 

[bpdlover]

I'm reading your post MJJ and checking every one of them. Of course, we didn't need to be married for her to sabotage every potential positive experience we had. My ex also told me that she had her second child to her ex because she thought it would make them happier. When I look back on her behaviour, nothing makes any logical sense. That's the tragedy of this disorder.

[goinbonkers]

When I look back on her behavior, nothing makes any logical sense. That's the tragedy of this disorder.

That's the part that kicks my butt too.  Illogical to you but logical to them though.

[bengaltropicat]

Once they marry you, you are doomed. Men and women may differ on this.  My UBPDexH took control to the nth degree after we were married.  Before the wedding, the red flags were waving but I was clueless.  Having children was definitely a stressor for him because he was getting less attention.  Ultimately it was not a problem for him because he just ran me more ragged.  I was constantly having to give him attention and take care of the kids and hold down a full time job and keep house (laundry, clean, cook, ...).  He did nothing around the house. Now that he has gone I had to learn how to hang a picture which took me about 5 minutes. I have gobs of time now because I don't have his crazymaking to deal with.  When he was here, I would leave a clean house in the AM with the children, go to work  pick the children up from school and activities, come home and the house  would be in disarray.  They do it on purpose to control us. There was never enough time in the day with a BPD. 

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Once they marry you, you are doomed.  

I think marriage is a contact between two people.

You could just as easily say "once you marry them".

Why we choose to marry people when there were signs of a mental health disorder is a key question we should be asking ourselves here.

Why we went on to have children with them is another.
 

MJJ

[gettingoverit]

Once they marry you, you are doomed.  

I think marriage is a contact between two people.

You could just as easily say "once you marry them".

Why we choose to marry people when there were signs of a mental health disorder is a key question we should be asking ourselves here.

Why we went on to have children with them is another. MJJ

It's true what you have said, the one's who married their partners with BPD did over look red flags in order to marry them,  however,  how many who married their BPD partners knew that there was something seriously wrong with them until after the wedding bells died down? Also regarding having children, how many were entrapped by partners who swore they were on birth control and then got pregnant anyway. Just something to think about. I am all about taking responsibility for staying with your BPD partner, but sometimes our former partners were great con artists and actors. They lied their way into our hearts and continued lying or doing whatever suited them. That is not our fault. Just my two cents.

[Neverknow]

Yes, it does get worse after you are married. 

[bengaltropicat]

I'd like to respond to JavaJoe. 

Absolutely I am responsible for marrying him and continuing the marriage and having children and all that.  The backstory is that my father is a narcissist.  My mother is extremely passive.  I grew up in a home where extreme dysfunction was the norm.  I thought bad behavior was normal.   My parents are conservative southerners and I was not allowed to have much of a social life, go to movies, date, etc.  I was extremely naive.

After 28 years of marriage, I got out.  It wasn't until a professional told me my H was borderline that I had ever heard of the disorder. Guess I'm a slow learner.  By reading on this and other boards, I educated myself.  I have been to therapy.  Life is good now. 

I have boundaries with all of them.  I have a life.  I am forever in debt to the people on this and the yahoo BPD transition board who bravely told their stories and advice and support.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I'd like to respond to JavaJoe. 

Absolutely I am responsible for marrying him and continuing the marriage and having children and all that.  The backstory is that my father is a narcissist.  My mother is extremely passive.  I grew up in a home where extreme dysfunction was the norm.  I thought bad behavior was normal.   My parents are conservative southerners and I was not allowed to have much of a social life, go to movies, date, etc.  I was extremely naive.

After 28 years of marriage, I got out.  It wasn't until a professional told me my H was borderline that I had ever heard of the disorder. Guess I'm a slow learner.  By reading on this and other boards, I educated myself.  I have been to therapy.  Life is good now. 

I have boundaries with all of them.  I have a life.  I am forever in debt to the people on this and the yahoo BPD transition board who bravely told their stories and advice and support.

bengaltropicat,

I am glad that you have been able to look at this and that you have looked to your own family of origin.  I can certainly relate being niave. 26yoa when we met. I had no clue what I was in. Her family were overly friendly and I suspect secretly pleased. I realised after some time that her family was dysfuntional (uBPDmom and NPDdad) add to that alcohol and physical and emotional abuse when she was a child.

I felt sorry for her. She present herself a s a waif who was a victim. I guess in my case I tried to rescue her as I may have tried to rescue my father who lost his father in an accident when he was young.

We are all the products of our childhood. I now know why and how I could have made such an error of judgement. Looking at my own issues and why I married her and I decided to have children with her has helped me move on. Withoiut his self-reflection it would have been easy to make the same mistake again and again...If I had not done something to address my own need to rescue the waif she presented herself to be.

MJJ