They say the BPD gets WORSE when you marry them.

[Think About It...]

I read an INCREDIBLE thread on this subject on the Undecided Board. Can anyone verify this claim that the BPD gets Worse when u marry them? You'd think commitment would chill them out. Apparently not.

Stories / testimonials please...

[abovebeyond]

I read an INCREDIBLE thread on this subject on the Undecided Board. Can anyone verify this claim that the BPD gets Worse when u marry them? You'd think commitment would chill them out. Apparently not.

Stories / testimonials please...

[Gus926]

Well, thankfully mine cheated on me for the last time six days after we got engaged, so I didn't have to find out. 

[mscj]

My friend, who I now understand to be BPD, was okay and had me painted white for 9 years.  Then I moved into her home.  Things went downhill in a hurry but it took me 3 years to realize and get out.  Now I am painted black.

I know it isn't marriage but it felt like it ran the same course.  As long as she had the upper hand and could keep me at a comfortable distance she was able to maintain.  When I was up close and personal and treating her well she dys-regulated more and more as time went by.

[diotima]

I have no first-hand experience of actually being married to a BPD but I have read and heard from others that the commitment often brings out pretty extreme behavior. My ex's daughter told me that the divorce happened the day that her father got married (to one of his ex's). Toward the end of my r/s my ex was asking me to marry him and he was scheming with another woman at the same time. I now think I dodged a bullet, or maybe a nuclear weapon by deciding there would be no more recycles and no marriage.
Diotima

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[TheWind]

100 times worse. Now they have you legally. They will keep asking you to how up this, sacrifice that (things like friends, church, health, time, hobbies...). You either do it believing the guarantees that it is temporary or it will result in a closer, richer marriage. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Like me 3 years ago, you will end up empty, confused, depressed, angry, resentful, and feeling worthless. Or you could have healthy boundaries and do what you need to be healthy and thrive. It is hard, but you can avoid being so drained.

[Mauser]

We were married but never even moved in together.  I think the thought of sharing a house and having to live with someone 24/7 sent him into a tizzy.

Which, of course, should have been something he thought about before marrying me.

You would think he would have picked up on "living with your wife" part during marriage #1, or marriage #2, or...

[beyondbelief]

While it is tempting to generalize, each person and situation is different.  In many cases a major event such as marriage or child birth can certainly escalate things.  However there are probably cases where things improved as well.  

One thought to keep in mind is there are millions of people around the world who suffer from BPD (most are totally unaware) and only a tiny percentage of the total are members of this site.  If things are going relatively well then their spouses are unlikely to frequent this site.  So reading stories can tend to cause a biased view.

In my case marriage was a small trigger.  There was some acting out but it soon subsided.  Becoming parents was the MAJOR trigger and that pretty well sealed things.

[diotima]

Re: the children
My ex's mother was a BPD and she triangulated her children and the children with her husband. My ex was the first born and when his brother arrived, he was then painted black at about age 4 from what I can reconstruct. I saw his mother in action with the two sons and it was pretty awful. My ex triangulates his two daughters. One can do no wrong (and I think is NPD). The other seems to really have her head on her shoulders despite being the black sheep next to the one I think is NPD. My ex also triangulated me with the one I think is NPD. I don't think he can NOT triangulate. So, in his case the children ended up being an opportunity for one extension of the illness. That said: I think had I married him he would have tried to control every facet of my life. So, it does vary.
Diotima

[bpdlover]

At face value, I would tend to believe this because as the commitment becomes real, so does the need for accountability and responsibility. As I became more available my ex shut down. She started playing god with every detail of our relationship and controlling like crazy. 2010 posted on this several months ago. It read:

Reality is not preferred by the Borderline. When a Borderline learns to split off the uncomfortable reality or dissociate from their experience they usually do so by focusing on creating an unreality or fantasy. Due to the developmental arrest of the ego, fantasy relationships are what Borderline thought disorder is all about. Borderline love is longing and yearning. It is the freedom to indulge in romantic feelings and fantasies about the new rewarding partner in order to feel better about the lack of self. Borderline is the failure to individuate to become whole. Therefore, they exist as part time selves with all or none thinking. This all thought can be intense during evaluation of their worthiness when they sense a rewarding partner in need. The Borderline prefers a partner who is only partially accessible, such as one who lives a considerable distance away or who is only available on weekends or works a lot or is also married. In fact, Borderlines have antennae a mile long listening for the subtle clues dropped in early chance meetings with potential lovers indicating that they are not available for a full time relationship. At the first mention of the fact that he/she works allot, lives out of town or is married, conditions that would discourage a normal person from getting his or her hopes up for a lasting relationship, the Borderline grows interested. This is just what they need as the rewarding possibilities are open for Borderline evaluation of servitude. It's at this stage that a Borderline can appear like a rescuer. Borderlines also cement home the romantic fantasy with intense sexual activity that masquerades for real intimacy to the partner. It usually succeeds in making the partner think that the relationship is working. Needless to say, the partner is devastated when the Borderline ends the fantasy by claiming persecution. Since all forms of triangulation (read definition) involve avoidance of some form of suffering that is required for being whole, the fantasy for both parties is not able to be sustained with the two part time selves always occurring at exactly the same time for mirroring. This is needed for the Borderline perception of safety and fantasy fusion. Patrick Carnes calls this a trauma bond. Both parties are creating a romanticized and idealized bond with a romance fantasy that splits their former Spouse but exact mirroring is impossible. Reality feels like blame to a Borderline. Reality to Borderline disorder is like daylight to a Vampire. Neither one can exist in the presence of the other and the Borderline must flee. This is all the Borderline can do as a primitive defense mechanism, which are consequences to the original developmental arrest.  

[soul]

Reality is not preferred by the Borderline. When a Borderline learns to split off the uncomfortable reality or dissociate from their experience they usually do so by focusing on creating an unreality or fantasy. Due to the developmental arrest of the ego, fantasy relationships are what Borderline thought disorder is all about. Borderline love is longing and yearning. It is the freedom to indulge in romantic feelings and fantasies about the new rewarding partner in order to feel better about the lack of self. Borderline is the failure to individuate to become whole. Therefore, they exist as part time selves with all or none thinking. This all thought can be intense during evaluation of their worthiness when they sense a rewarding partner in need. The Borderline prefers a partner who is only partially accessible, such as one who lives a considerable distance away or who is only available on weekends or works a lot or is also married. In fact, Borderlines have antennae a mile long listening for the subtle clues dropped in early chance meetings with potential lovers indicating that they are not available for a full time relationship. At the first mention of the fact that he/she works allot, lives out of town or is married, conditions that would discourage a normal person from getting his or her hopes up for a lasting relationship, the Borderline grows interested. This is just what they need as the rewarding possibilities are open for Borderline evaluation of servitude. It's at this stage that a Borderline can appear like a rescuer. Borderlines also cement home the romantic fantasy with intense sexual activity that masquerades for real intimacy to the partner. It usually succeeds in making the partner think that the relationship is working. Needless to say, the partner is devastated when the Borderline ends the fantasy by claiming persecution. Since all forms of triangulation (read definition) involve avoidance of some form of suffering that is required for being whole, the fantasy for both parties is not able to be sustained with the two part time selves always occurring at exactly the same time for mirroring. This is needed for the Borderline perception of safety and fantasy fusion. Patrick Carnes calls this a trauma bond. Both parties are creating a romanticized and idealized bond with a romance fantasy that splits their former Spouse but exact mirroring is impossible. Reality feels like blame to a Borderline. Reality to Borderline disorder is like daylight to a Vampire. Neither one can exist in the presence of the other and the Borderline must flee. This is all the Borderline can do as a primitive defense mechanism, which are consequences to the original developmental arrest.  

This is a well written piece, almost the technical dissection of the disorder. I think they can do marriage, as long as their partner needs nothing for themselves. Once the partner/victim wants something for themselves, the borderline steps forward with an emphatic no. Though this normally would show itself with acting out, blaming etc.

[goinbonkers]

I read an INCREDIBLE thread on this subject on the Undecided Board. Can anyone verify this claim that the BPD gets Worse when u marry them? You'd think commitment would chill them out. Apparently not.

Stories / testimonials please...

It happened to me too.  I had thought marriage would make things better but that only made it worse.  I believe its because they feel they got you now and then its safe to reveal the real them finally.

[Anra]

@BPDlover

Good point.

Another perspective is about "how many strong "unreal"" relationships can a Borderline have during his life. A Non (Non Borderline but doesnt mean Non as a perfect personality) can have maybe two or three strong relationships but doesnt mean he/she will have it for certain. It's just a "maybe".

Because BPD have a strong ability to defend themselves in Psychotherapy psychologists only can guess about how a BPD evolves in this matter. Living in fantasies, a BPD doesnt have the opportunity to "burn" a relationship as we do. Some normal relationships are not made to last forever. We all know that. Perhaps we loved someone, had a real relationship with him and saw it was not what we looked for. A BPD usually remains "stuck" in their "primary love". This BPD will just try to cope with another real relationships during his life but in fact he is just stuck in the past, a "fantasy past". This "primary love" can be replaced with another as "real" as the original. This is the reason for "returning" to some Ex-es and not to all of them. It's like "crying inside" for a lost love. In fact, this primary love is just a fantasy  but in their minds it feels like real. They feel their fantasy thoughts  like real emotions, real actions. When they have a chance to make it real they'll be very disappointed. Of course, it is very disapointing to see that your real partner cant jump from one building from another or cant fly. It seems like a joke but it isnt, it's just how a BPD thinks about it. At some point they may become aware of it and this is the start point for them to look after for unavailable partners (long distance r/l, married ppl etc).

[Faded]

 Becoming parents was the MAJOR trigger and that pretty well sealed things.

That was the case with myself.

IT was pretty shaky at times before hand but when our child was born it took her 7 months to up and leave, me with the knowledge she cheated twice in that 7 months of our child being born.

This wasnt the 1st time she cheated on me but it was the last.

She went on to marry another guy 10 years her senior and have 2 more children. Guess shes got the 'parent partner' she so desires in her life.

Each to their own eh!



 Like you say though each case is different. Every couple and every r/s is different.

[BentNotBroken]

We were together 15+ years. Then we had a son. Things went straight in the toilet. She went absolutely crazy. Her justification was "she was trying to protect our son". Protect him from the grotesque caricature of me that she created in her mind, and told her mother about as if it were real. The abuse ramped up, she started to get physically violent on a regular basis, and she tore into me verbally every chance she got. She painted me absolute black to anyone and everyone. Cancelled my medical insurance, destroyed my property, terrorized me when I tried to sleep, and projected all of her insane behavior on me.

Yeah, it definately got worse after the baby.

[patientandclear]

You would think he would have picked up on "living with your wife" part during marriage #1, or marriage #2, or...

**shakes head**

There are times when the stories here are simply ... too much.

[Grace58]

Yes!  Our "relationship", such as it is was, ended the day we got married.  the 7 years following of abuse, cheating, drama, and lying was just the special sauce. I think that another way to think about it is that after you get locked down into a commitment, with a baby, a marriage, a house or some other life event that ties you closely,  they feel much free er to "be themselves", to stop acting, to let go of the pretense, and show you the crazy.  In a weird way, it is intimate, because now you get it all.  After commitment, there is simply no reason to be restrained.

[Sabine]

I wasn't married to my exBPDbf, in fact I was just getting to know him, I was only with him a total of 1 year, but as we fought, he used to try to 'hold it over my head' and say things like, "I was in it for the long haul and you blew it!" - Mmmm really? I cringed when I would think of 'the long haul' with him!

Also, the more complacent he got in our r/s (meaning the more I was doing what he wanted me to do or act the way he wanted me to act), he would become more selfish and his control issues would rise... I can only imagine how boxed in I'd feel if we were married to him.  

Marriage would have been a bigger train wreck waiting to happen!  

[oceanblue]

My BPDbf moved in with me after about 6 months of whirlwind dating.  Once he moved in, there was a honeymoon of about 2 months before the full-blown crazy started showing.  He raged when he didn't get what he wanted.  He quit his job and became financially dependent on me (while somehow using crazy logic that this "helped" me), he became more and more dependent emotionally and excluded his friends from his life.  As he isolated himself and became financially dependent on me - he regressed emotionally and even intellectually.  This also became a reason he couldn't move out.  He had no where to go since he had no friends and he had no money or job to support himself.

We never did get married because, after he moved in, there was never a window of time where he was sane enough to consider it.

[bpdlover]

About six months after she had what I believe to be our child, she painted me black and split for good, never to return. Well to this day anyhow which is two years. She had two kids with her previous partner and was talking to him around the time we parted ways.

[Mauser]

... Once triggered, without extensive therapy (and perhaps even with this? My ex was in couples therapy for years with his former wife!), I don't believe that there is any "hope" for a healthy relationship at all...

WD, there was an excellent link on "Why MC doesn't work for pwBPD" (which I can't really search for ATM-- I'm at work).  It really made a lot of sense.  In all my r/s, I had only gone to MC once- and that was with my first H. We went to about 3 sessions.  Suddenly I meet my pwBPD-- hello, communication issues. We were intermittently in MC for 6 out of our 7 years together. Nothing got resolved. Nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.   Usually if anything happened, A) we would get to the T's office, where pwBPD would break up with me (he needed that "security blanket" when he announced the breakup-- I never saw it coming), or B) it would bring up issues, he would reflect and then withdraw, and he would usually spiral into the black abyss and break up with me within a week or two.