Staying Strong

[Think About It...]

Hi all,

I'm a new member and had posted the other day about committing to no longer check up on my exBPDgf on Facebook (I have her blocked now).  This thread was deleted when the forum went down.

However I still have passwords of hers to e-mail, sites, etc. and over the course of the day have felt tempted a couple times to "check in."

SO...I'm just announcing my commitment to not checking up on any of her accounts or signing in to any of them.  I'm quite a literal person so spelling this all out clearly is pretty big to me.

Staying strong!  While I haven't had any contact with her innnn...1 year, 2 months...today marks 1 week of not checking in on her in any sense.

K that's it.

[seventeen]

Hi all,

I'm a new member and had posted the other day about committing to no longer check up on my exBPDgf on Facebook (I have her blocked now).  This thread was deleted when the forum went down.

However I still have passwords of hers to e-mail, sites, etc. and over the course of the day have felt tempted a couple times to "check in."

SO...I'm just announcing my commitment to not checking up on any of her accounts or signing in to any of them.  I'm quite a literal person so spelling this all out clearly is pretty big to me.

Staying strong!  While I haven't had any contact with her innnn...1 year, 2 months...today marks 1 week of not checking in on her in any sense.

K that's it.

[1989]

Good for you!  (what a temptation!)

[ellil]

Hi Seventeen,
I wanted to tell you that to this day (and I'm assuming they haven't changed) I still have his passwords and usernames to email, Netflix, Verizon, you name it, I got it. I checked all the time in the beginning, then it waned.

When I discovered that no matter what it is I saw, it was causing me anxiety--my heart would pound as I waited for the pages to load, and it just totally took away any of my peace.

I have not checked anything in months. Every once in a while I get a pang and am tempted, but then I think about how my heart would pound and how none of it mattered. If nothing "interesting," were there, I just figured he moved on to a different communication, or she changed her phone number (and I drew the line at looking up phone numbers ), whatever...if something were there, well of course that wouldn't make me happy.

My recommendation to you? DON'T LOOK. But if you do end up checking, you'll see how much more anxiety it causes you than just going total NC and not looking.

I remember he changed his phone number password, but he changed it to ones I had known, . We really should heed the warnings about using unique passwords for everything and not basing them on birthdates and pet names!

 

M

[Thepatman]

This kind of self torture is right on the spot for me.
It's the core I need to understand about my issues. Why in hell are we tempted to see who they are with now?

It's like burning ourselves on the stove and going back for more. So illogical this is.

To think I was a normal person before all this, not perfect but "normal" Now I feel like basket case

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ellil]

I wouldn't beat us up on our curiosity...I can't imagine I know too many people who aren't curious about their ex's in the aftermath of a breakup. I think when it becomes a compulsion or obsessive or drastically affects or moods/life that it becomes an issue.

M

[Thepatman]

The problem with me is that I keep having nightmares since she told me she went with someone else juste a couple of weeks after the breakup.

I see her in my dreams making it with the next guy and wake up feeling like a total mess. It just hurts me so much inside. Like thinking he is better then me in bed.
Poor self esteem I know I have.

[soul]

Just before I went no contact, she left her mail open. I read a message from the new victim. He had written, 'i haven't felt like this about anyone for a long time'. [ poor guy, he has no idea] She had replied, ' i'm not used to being held in such high esteem'. I had written those very words to her the week before. It was enough for me, I went no contact a week later, and haven't seen her since. 15 months and counting. I heard that she had sold her house and moved in with him .. at first I thought .. oouuchh!. Then i thought, who in their right mind would do something like that. I mean within the first month of splitting up? Ah of course a borderline ...

since then I have had no interest in knowing what, where, when or whatever she is doing ..

[rickstone]

i just made the mistake last night.  after 2 weeks not checking her phone logs to see how its going with the new guy i checked last night.

it was pretty mcuh what i thought, but needless to say, it was disturbing got me all riled and peed off almost pacing back and force like angry lion and woke up at 230 in the morning couldnt go back to sleep

[luckystrikes]

oh, hang in there seventeen. i, and most others had a very hard time with the urge to cyber peek. you were smart to block her. i didnt, and as a result i felt stuck for a while. even now, i believe she checks up on me, and my facebook is totally public, so it even still strikes me that she could be reading what i post. but thats her problem

warning, though. you say you have her passwords. does she have yours? if so, id get on checking/changing them, i found my ex invading the email attached to my facebook that i NEVER checked, and reading my messages.

[ellil]

i just made the mistake last night.  after 2 weeks not checking her phone logs to see how its going with the new guy i checked last night.

it was pretty mcuh what i thought, but needless to say, it was disturbing got me all riled and peed off almost pacing back and force like angry lion and woke up at 230 in the morning couldnt go back to sleep

I think I'll have to print this out and keep it stapled to my keyboard in the event I ever get curious again. 

M

[seventeen]

Thanks everyone!  She knows very well that I have her passwords...between the time that we first broke up and recycled again, I had admitted this to her and she even went so far as to tell me what to try next if the first variation of her password didn't work. 0_o She likes thinking that I'm checking up on her obviously...

And I most *definitely* have never given her any of my passwords and had always been very, very careful about leaving things open if I ever were to use her computer.  She's a very sneaky person and I could tell that this information was something that she desperately wanted...she had asked me many times what my phone, e-mail and ATM passwords were. Helllllll no.

[luckystrikes]

thats an excellent boundary you kept, seventeen 

[stillsurvivin]

Thanks everyone!  She knows very well that I have her passwords...between the time that we first broke up and recycled again, I had admitted this to her and she even went so far as to tell me what to try next if the first variation of her password didn't work. 0_o She likes thinking that I'm checking up on her obviously...

And I most *definitely* have never given her any of my passwords and had always been very, very careful about leaving things open if I ever were to use her computer.  She's a very sneaky person and I could tell that this information was something that she desperately wanted...she had asked me many times what my phone, e-mail and ATM passwords were.

Now I have to ask why each of you had their passwords.  Mine was strictly neediness issues.  I paid his phone bill and so had access to his account, and unfortunately, still have access, and still check. But I stopped paying the phone bills.  Trying not to check but it's so hard!  I had access to his main email account so I could write emails as him.  Still have that access and trying not to check it. But still do and it's not even interesting except that it connects to his facebook account.  My T is so upset that I am checking it.  I am trying to stop and am cutting down on it.  He had no access to any of my accounts ever. He never asked and I never gave. 

[GettinStronger]

I'm really glad I dont have any of my uxBPDbf's passwords.  But he was very slick, in that he would get mine and even took over my facebook account and went through my online bank statements to see where i was spending "our" money that I was making.  The worst i did was when i had his cellphone on my account i put the kid gps tracker on it so I would know when he was stalking me.  Then he accused me of stalking him  ?

[bpdlover]

Like GS, I was accused of all sorts of nonsense. I believe she had several fake profiles trying to friend me but despite curiosity, it is best to delete them straight away. Remind yourself that the people you choose to call friends, must treat you with respect. My ex has painted me black and has blocked me as if I stalk her. I have peeked four times in two years as there was a picture of my son in the first few months of her departure. A nice way to punish as she alienates the child and uses him as a trophy. Playing the victim and living her lie somehow manifests into a truth and she pulls sympathy and attention from those who are on the outside. Stay strong. These sick games are not worth your time.

[seventeen]

Now I have to ask why each of you had their passwords.  Mine was strictly neediness issues.  

That's a good question that I can't even remember the answer to.  It was never due to my having snuck around to try and gather that information most definitely...in fact it had to have been simply due to her telling me for who knows what reason.  Maybe logging in to check something for her if she didn't feel like it and wasn't super nearby? ? Now you actually have me wondering .

[bpdlover]

I was never near her phone as she kept it hidden in her bag most of the time and it was often turned off when I was over. I also needed an appointment as no surprises were allowed. Just some of the terms and conditions associated with our individual partnership. As for passwords, I wasn't interested in hers but different circumstances for each relationship. I did suspect her, it just wasn't my place to go under cover. Too much like hard work. I guess that's where we need to identify a red flag and hit the gas.

[rickstone]

i never ever snooped on her in 1.1/2 years until one day after she had left for several days she had been borrowing my computer left her facebook account open on my computer.  i KNEW something was up so i looked around in her facebook and saw her love notes to some guy 3000 miles away.

ive been running paranoid ever since.  its a sickness.  checking her phone logs to see who shes been calling.  this latest fling shes had i found out about it that way.  shes still denying it even till now but only once did i peek at her phone to confirm my suspicions and found a text to him calling him 'babe'.  that was enough.  she can look me straight in the eyes and swear to god almighty theres nothin goin on.

and im the bad guy (which i guess i am for snooping).  "I cant believe you would throw our 2.1/2 year relationship away on some guy you've never even met" i told her.  "I cant beleive you would throw it away by snooping on me.  were gonna have a serious talk about this!" 
of course we never did

[bpdlover]

I can believe that Rick because I've seen it to believe it. She could look me in the eye, furrow on the forehead and swear nothing was wrong. I had two choices, either believe her or keep questioning her which would result in the relationship being terminated and me being blamed. Any reason is good enough to ditch someone which makes the whole relationship rather shallow from their point of view doesn't it. Sort of like a disposable paper cup. She didn't think much of herself.

[rickstone]

"I can believe that Rick because I've seen it to believe it. She could look me in the eye, furrow on the forehead and swear nothing was wrong. I had two choices, either believe her or keep questioning her which would result in the relationship being terminated and me being blamed. Any reason is good enough to ditch someone which makes the whole relationship rather shallow from their point of view doesn't it. Sort of like a disposable paper cup. She didn't think much of herself."

yes, she is tremendously insecure and lives in a fantasy world of facebook and long distance relationships.  she doesn't want all her friends who 'love her' to know the REAL her.  she loves all the 'i love you's' on her facebook (people shes never met) and this latest fling is her attempt at validation.  some guy shows interest in her after she sends some pretty pictures of herself through picture mail and she JUMPS at the chance!
he had no idea shes about 70lbs overweight (the pictures belie) has very serious health issues, is sick almost every day on disability and rages.
no, she just lept at the chance to launch a fantasy romance with him.  deep in her heart she knows its wrong.  shes a very smart cookie. 
but she will not allow herself to aknowledge on a consious level, except for one fleeting moment when she admitted to me; "i was guilty of poor judgment".

[luckystrikes]

frankly im not sure snooping makes a huge difference.

my ex knew some of my passwords in the beginning. i think she actually had one or two before we were together, for various reasons. im a huge stickler for privacy, though, and even more so now. as our relationship went on though, it got a little crazy, she was constantly getting into things of mine, and finding something (where there wasnt anything) to start a fight over. even when i would change my passwords, shed find a way, it mystified me. there was the time i found all my usernames and passwords written down in her closet, and that was most definitely not cool. the email attached to my facebook (the existence of which i ignored) she got into while we were together, as well as once she got with my replacement. shes a huge, huge privacy invader. odd thing is, she somewhat practices what she preaches, and leaves all of her things open.

however, from time to time, during the relationship, i would snoop solely to see if she was snooping on me. more than half the time, she had been. but i never found even the slightest bit of evidence she was unfaithful, let alone even flirtatious, with anyone. point is, i now realize, even though i practically lived with this person, she had several contacts i never heard of, and probably a number of guys to, at the very least, flirt with.

if ive learned anything, its that possessive/jealous types, privacy invaders and the like, are often cheaters, or will often cheat themselves. i truly never had the foggiest idea about my ex (there was one single incident i should have known better about but dismissed), yet i was fooled.

i look at privacy this way. if youre not married, privacy should be 100%, absolute. when youre married, the rules change a bit, but privacy and space are still a must. i mean, you share bank accounts, and the like, you may need to exchange a password here and there, etc. its like my mother says. her computer is completely accessible, and anyone could go through it at any time. however, if anyone did, she would change it and prevent it from happening again. the best reason not to snoop, is that youre almost guaranteed to find 'something', whether its "something" or not, and make 'something' out of it.

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