Stupid anticipation

[Think About It...]

My H's BPDex will be moving here at the end of this month.  About the same time my H will be going out of town for work for an extended amount of time.  I am woefully dreading this is so many ways.  We would like to have my stepkids stay with me for a while after they get here but am quite positive that she will not allow that since my H will not be here.  My own children will be going to their dad's at the beginning of June.  My H's BPDex says that she will allow the children to stay with me if I will talk to her.  My H told her that I would talk to her when it concerns the children but nothing else.  So then she got mad and said they can't stay.  I have strict boundaries when it comes to her.  Right now I have her blocked on my phone.  She wants to talk about the restraining order that I used to have on her because she harassed me constantly for over 6 months before H and I were married.  I finally decided that she didn't have the right to treat me like that and I have a right to peace.  I also know she wants to talk about other things that I just don't care to talk about.  All it will do it hurt me and add fuel to her crazy fire.  I feel like if I don't give in then it is my fault that all of the kids won't get to spend a few weeks together.  At the same time I feel like it really isn't my fault because it feels like blackmail or something.  There is a knot in my stomach from all of this. 

[pandadoll]

My H's BPDex will be moving here at the end of this month.  About the same time my H will be going out of town for work for an extended amount of time.  I am woefully dreading this is so many ways.  We would like to have my stepkids stay with me for a while after they get here but am quite positive that she will not allow that since my H will not be here.  My own children will be going to their dad's at the beginning of June.  My H's BPDex says that she will allow the children to stay with me if I will talk to her.  My H told her that I would talk to her when it concerns the children but nothing else.  So then she got mad and said they can't stay.  I have strict boundaries when it comes to her.  Right now I have her blocked on my phone.  She wants to talk about the restraining order that I used to have on her because she harassed me constantly for over 6 months before H and I were married.  I finally decided that she didn't have the right to treat me like that and I have a right to peace.  I also know she wants to talk about other things that I just don't care to talk about.  All it will do it hurt me and add fuel to her crazy fire.  I feel like if I don't give in then it is my fault that all of the kids won't get to spend a few weeks together.  At the same time I feel like it really isn't my fault because it feels like blackmail or something.  There is a knot in my stomach from all of this. 

[JustSaying]

It's H's job to deal with his X, not yours. And as I wrote in the other thread, visitation is controlled by the custody agreement and not individual whims. The tension you feel is because your future isn't under your control. H and his X have to make the decisions, but you are affected by it.

H has to figure this out. His kids, his X. There need to be clear rules that preclude his X from allowing/not allowing visitation. His L should be able to tell him how this works given the specifics of his case.

And there's no gain to you from talking to his X unless it would be about something the kids need while under your care. You have every right to have that as a boundary.

Remove yourself from the middle. Don't speak to H's X if you don't want to. And tell H that you'll be available to be with the kids if that's the way it'll be, but he needs to figure it out so that you aren't part of the drama.

[pandadoll]

Thanks. 

I just don't see any reason for it.  I want to be left out of the loop.  She doesn't want to talk about the kids and has told him so.  There is nothing for me to say or hear.  I guess I just feel like a villian if I don't cave to it all.  At the same time, all of the kids have their own phones and she would have direct access to them without needing to go through me.  Should a situation or emergency arise where I would need to contact her while the kids are with me then I could contact her.  Other than that she can contact the kids.

I'm also still struggling with issues that I have feeling that my H doesn't have good boundaries with her.  I have had that struggle for a while.  She will send appropriate texts and such.  I would like him to tell her to knock it off.  He just would rather ignore her.  He says if her tells her to knock it off then it just encites arguments and such from her.  I suppose that him igorning her is just the same as telling her to knock it off but with less hectic outcomes.  When he ignores her she doesn't have anything to respond to.  When he tells her that it is inappropiate for her to say "such and such" or he doesn't want to talk to her about certain things she gets all wrapped around the axle.  She says that he should open up to her and tell her what is really going on and that he needs to confide in her.  She is the problem not the solution.  I do what I can to stay away from their conversations but sometimes I stumble across one and it irritates me.  I guess the way to properly describe it is to say I feel let down that I'm not being defended or my relationship is not defended or respected.  I think I'm sure she will never respect it or me.  So I get upset with him.  But am trying to see that this is his way of dealing with her with less conflict.  I was fine with him ignoring her in the past.  But then he quit ignoring her and playing into her by telling her he misses her and "loves her" or whatever else he felt she needed to hear to calm her down and apease her.  It was also his way of "playing her game" so that he could have his children with less conflict.  Now he sees that no matter what he does of says she is always going to be her.  I guess I'm not over him "playing her game".

I know if I were to open up my phone line to her she would send me some "damning" evidence of a conversation my H had with her.  I know these conversations happened but I don't need to see it.  He told me that it happened but she will try to use that as evidence to rip us apart.  I just can see it happening. I will continue to not have contact with her because I don't want to and there is no need to.  Now, I am just wresltling with his boundaries.  I don't care to monitor their contact and really don't want to know about it but why do I get upset each time I see her BS?

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[JustSaying]

I would like him to tell her to knock it off.

I ignore any nonsense from X. I would not be happy if someone told me to tell her to knock it off rather than ignore it as I'm doing, especially since telling her to knock it off wouldn't work and would just create more drama for me.

Celebrate anyone who's managed NC or LC with a disordered person.

She says that he should open up to her and tell her what is really going on and that he needs to confide in her.

He'll never convince her this is not true. This is the part to ignore.

But then he quit ignoring her and playing into her by telling her he misses her and "loves her" or whatever else he felt she needed to hear to calm her down and apease her.

He should go back to ignoring her if that was effective for him. This part doesn't work.

[Matt]

Yeah, getting sucked into talking to her wouldn't work.  She would manipulate that situation - use the kids as a way to control you.

Minimal contact - e-mail - keep it simple - focused on the kids - no emotions - no talk about the past.

[tog]

Pandadoll, as a fellow "secondary non" (my SO has an uNPD/BPDstbxw) I can empathize with how hard this all is.

On the one hand, everything that happens with this disordered person with BPD affects me. On the other hand, I have no control over any of it. I tend to go overboard in trying to "help" my SO, which feels like control to him eventually. He has to do it the way he wants to do it, what works for him, mistakes and all.

Is it ever hard to let him do that sometimes. I'll admit to being guilty of thinking my way is the "right" way, and I have to step back from that.  It's part of my own anxiety about being in such a stressful, unpredictable situation.  I'm currently working on just staying out of it, unless he asks for my help specifically.

I used to feel like I was somehow to blame for all the conflict because I pushed my SO to file for divorce (or for dating him at all in the first place). Reality: Any effort he made to move on from her would have resulted in the EXACT SAME behavior. I'm trying to practice "radical acceptance" around the idea that stbx is who she is and I will have to live with that.

You aren't responsible here. Don't communicate with her. Like JustSaying said, tell H that you are happy to have all the kids together if he wants, but he'll need to work it out with X, then let it go. You didn't marry her or have kids with her, why should you have to deal with her control efforts any more than you already do.

That's one line I've NEVER crossed. I will not communicate with her in any way beyond a polite hello at a school event. She's not my problem.