child care conversation- HELP

[Think About It....]

Yet again, he is saying he is not staying with our son for me to go to work for 3 HOURS! It is during a time where he is doing nothing. IO dont want to argue, and he just texted me that. So, i need it for tomorrow morning, how to reply? just ignore and leave the house in the moning? engage in this crazy dialogue?

[Silkroad]

Yet again, he is saying he is not staying with our son for me to go to work for 3 HOURS! It is during a time where he is doing nothing. IO dont want to argue, and he just texted me that. So, i need it for tomorrow morning, how to reply? just ignore and leave the house in the moning? engage in this crazy dialogue?

[Matt]

I'm sorry, Silkroad, but I don't remember where you're at right now...

How old is your son?  Are you still married and living with his father?

Is your work schedule pretty steady or is it unpredictable?

Is there a member of your family, or a nearby daycare you can count on?

Somehow maybe you can take away the power to jerk you around like this, by finding a resource you can count on...

[mirabella]

Silkroad, that kind of issue used to annoy me a lot (not anymore as I moved away) and I couldn't understand why he couldn't agree to do what seemed so logical to me, after all they were his kids also.

I came to the conclusion that the only way was to drop the expectations, count  on his unpredictability and have always a back up plan. I know it's tempting to answer back being angry or trying to make him see our logic, but in my experience every time I did it I regreted afterwards. Ignoring him seemed to make him angrier and he kept texting me and phoning me and the argument and shouting was served. He seemed to 'feed' on conflict and be happy if he had managed to start an argument. It was almost as if it was the only way he could relate to me by arguing.

I had to make plans for the saturdays when I had to go to work and he had agreed to have the children. For instance I would tell him that was starting work half an hour earlier than I did in reality, as I knew he would purpously come late sometimes (like if he had phoned me the day before to let me know that he was going out on the friday and he wanted me to bring the boys to him instead of him collecting them, as we had agreed, so he could get up 20 minutes later! and I said no. I knew then that he would come 20 minutes later to get the boys to make a point!). I also had some babysitters to use just in case.

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[NorthernGirl]

I would echo the other suggestions of setting up your own network for child care, and leave him out of the picture. We rely on friends as we don't have family around. It gets hard sometimes, but it is far better than relying on my husband's ex (uBPD).

When they first separated, DH used to ask his ex to swap time when he travelled on business or had important commitments. If she said yes, it was always with strings attached and she constantly reminded him later how she had helped out. It was always a swap of time if DH asked. Then his ex would send the kids to his place with no notice saying to DH "it's the least you can do given all the times I have taken them for you." Meanwhile, she was living off DH's support and didn't have a job but she didn't seem to see a connection between his work schedule and his paycheque.

DH hasn't asked for a swap for about 5 years (except for the summer schedule where we take the youngest most of the time), since I came into the picture and since we set up a back-up system. His ex doesn't seem to remember this and still sends off emails about the schedule saying that DH must take the youngest (who has special needs) given how often she covers for DH. A recent email demanded that DH tell her what his schedule was for the fall. A day later when he hadn't responded, she sent a note saying she couldn't wait around anymore from him and DH would just need to take the youngest in the fall whenever she said because he hadn't answered quick enough.

She doesn't seem to make what we would see as "logical" connections nor does she make plans based on what is best for the kids. It took awhile for DH to see that as he kept thinking she would recognize one day that she should do what was best for them. He sees now that it isn't going to happen.

[Matt]

One way to do this is to meet other parents at the same school, and swap child-watching times.

[Silkroad]

thank you for all the posts.. i ended up staying at home, and he sleeping in the sofa until past 11 am.. so frustrating...i have child care BUt the lady wants 2 weeks notice ...no close relatives or people he allows me leave with...our son is only 3 so only go to school for few hours...i feel bad i had to not go to work...but i believe its because he knows this is job i really love doing and before when i was doing a simpler job we rarely had such problems...

I am sorry not posting about my story. I am new here and wanted to vent my situation last minute and didnt mention more about my circumstances. Will try and come back to it.

So far your encouragement have been amazing, Thank you

[Matt]

So now he knows a good way to control you and to punish you.

What can you do now, to prevent him from doing this again?

[Silkroad]

yes you are right he knows exactly... I have booked to see the childminder tomorrow to get all dates sorted with her and he can stay with him Saturdays if he really wants it...its so frustrating but i decided i am not losing this job... and will have control over the situation... thank you

[Matt]

yes you are right he knows exactly... I have booked to see the childminder tomorrow to get all dates sorted with her and he can stay with him Saturdays if he really wants it...its so frustrating but i decided i am not losing this job... and will have control over the situation... thank you

That sounds like a good plan.  Don't use the disordered individual as a helper because you can't rely on him.  On Saturdays, if he lets you down, you can adjust and go right on with life...

[tog]

Wait, what? He won't watch them himself but he won't allow you to leave them with certain people?

If you think those people are appropriate caregivers, then how about saying to him: I am working today. I will need you to watch the children. If you are unable to do so, I will leave them with so-and-so...please let me know your choice in the next 15 minutes as I have to leave by xx o'clock. Then if he hems and haws, pack them up, put them in the car and drop them off with the person of your choice. If he gets pissed off and goes and picks them up, fine. 

[Matt]

Wait, what? He won't watch them himself but he won't allow you to leave them with certain people?

If you think those people are appropriate caregivers, then how about saying to him: I am working today. I will need you to watch the children. If you are unable to do so, I will leave them with so-and-so...please let me know your choice in the next 15 minutes as I have to leave by xx o'clock. Then if he hems and haws, pack them up, put them in the car and drop them off with the person of your choice. If he gets pissed off and goes and picks them up, fine. 

I probably wouldn't even go there.  Just make arrangements and leave him out of it.  If he wants to watch them he can contact you, by e-mail, and you can work it out.  If that works well - no last-minute changes in plan - he watches the kids and things go well - then he can watch them again some time.  But you'll always have a plan so you can go to work.