business and spouse co-worker

[Think About It...]

Talk about enmeshment. I own a small maintenance business. Times are tough I went to work for another company I have only one contract left.    UBPDw had hours cut at her work it became necessary for her leave. We now split the one contract. She does the morning at client I do afternoon. Her work product is exemplary. Problems are that she is overly sensitive to perceived slights and infringement of her boundaries. She is also not good about communication to me about what needs to be done. Status calls usually turn into arguements   she exaggerates the urgency of work orders and state of property as well as usual dimishment   of my work product.

Anyway if she was an employee she woud be fired a long time ago. If we were not in financial trouble I would have fired her even though she is my wife. I am prepared to close the business as my  new work is presenting unique opportunity and I am having difficulty operating two schedules. Side benefit  it also breaks the enmeshment.
I know that she does not like the work and I am suggesting that she seek other employment that is more rewarding both emotionally and financially. She is receptive but will get a little angry that I am stating how she feels . I am only repeating and paraphrasing what she has already told me.

My questions are I am concerned about what happens with the client while I'm not there
Also she is asserting herself into the operation that she gets mad if anything occurs and she is not made  aware of it
I want to approach the customer to make sure all is truly well but am concerned how to do it. Any suggestions.

[desperate dutchman]

Talk about enmeshment. I own a small maintenance business. Times are tough I went to work for another company I have only one contract left.    UBPDw had hours cut at her work it became necessary for her leave. We now split the one contract. She does the morning at client I do afternoon. Her work product is exemplary. Problems are that she is overly sensitive to perceived slights and infringement of her boundaries. She is also not good about communication to me about what needs to be done. Status calls usually turn into arguements   she exaggerates the urgency of work orders and state of property as well as usual dimishment   of my work product.

Anyway if she was an employee she woud be fired a long time ago. If we were not in financial trouble I would have fired her even though she is my wife. I am prepared to close the business as my  new work is presenting unique opportunity and I am having difficulty operating two schedules. Side benefit  it also breaks the enmeshment.
I know that she does not like the work and I am suggesting that she seek other employment that is more rewarding both emotionally and financially. She is receptive but will get a little angry that I am stating how she feels . I am only repeating and paraphrasing what she has already told me.

My questions are I am concerned about what happens with the client while I'm not there
Also she is asserting herself into the operation that she gets mad if anything occurs and she is not made  aware of it
I want to approach the customer to make sure all is truly well but am concerned how to do it. Any suggestions.

[Want2know]

Here are my thoughts...

First off, you mention enmeshment.  Working with your spouse is a lot to manage and can escalate enmeshment.  I worked with my ex-husband for many years, but it was in a large company.  We had a few common tasks, but mostly we worked at separate functions, so I do have an idea of what you are going through.  Business is business.  You have to do what you think is the right thing to do for your company, regardless if she is your wife.  I'm not saying to be a Scrooge, but if you have to follow up with the client to ensure he/she is satisfied, then so be it.  That is good business.

Second part.  How do you or do you communicate this to your wife?  That seems to be more of the question.  What are some thoughts that you have about this aspect?  After reading the lessons here, practice on us how you would want to approach her and what you might say.

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks want2know. Boy am I confused right now. We are in time out right now. I used SET last night to address the situation. We were talking about her transisioning to something else I repeated something she has expressed before. She went silent and then went to bed  today she has been giving me the silent treatment. Until this afternoon I called from the client and she was surprised I went to client (I go most days) I had to tell her that I would talk after she stops swearing at me  she refused to talk would only text. Texts were civil(at least the voice I used to read hers was ). I go home and she cycles back and forth between civil and hostile  she has not done this before. Extinction burst?  Anyway tried to talk about some personal scheduling we had a calendar conflict I have to give a birthday gift to our pastor at a function and she had us down attending a graduation  next thing I know she is bailing on the graduation and angry she must be at the other event even though I said she can go to which ever event she would like   She got mad (read dysregulated) and asked me to leave I agreed   We seem to go through periods were we could not discuss the weather without taking a timeout. Open to suggestions

[Want2know]

A time out is sometimes necessary.  Time to get your thoughts together.   

Using SET and validation is always a good approach.  As you described, she was going through periods of dysregulation.  What you said and did is perfectly normal.  Sometimes you can try everything and she will still have to go through her ups and downs.  It's how you take care of yourself, in the meantime, that is important so that you can maintain your strength.

So, next steps...she is aware that she needs to think about another job.  You have approached that subject with her slowly, and consistently.  You cannot make her decisions for her.  All you can do is nudge her, with care, and continue using the tools, and taking time outs when necessary. 

As for her flip flopping on the events, well, I would say that you need to choose your "battles".  I know underneath, it may bother you, but truly, it's just a schedule adjustment.  Do you have some obligation to either event that you need to fulfill?  If so, you don't necessarily need to go to the same one, do you?

Day by day...keep us posted.  Sounds like you are doing the best you can.  Don't forget to be mindful of your needs. 

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks thats ( we dont have to go to the same event )what I was trying to tell her when she dysregulated and asked me to leave. I take the asking as a way she try's to keep from escalating. That's a good thing. She is still at cold shoulder stage we will see where today leads

[Want2know]

When you do talk about it next, be mindful of not invalidating her.  That can be a tricky one when trying to reach a compromise. 

Take a look at this link, as a reminder: Communication: Validation

What are some validating phrases that you think might be helpful to work through this one?