After a year he's trying to recycle me

[Think About It...]

To those who think they will never be recycled, I'm here to say nothing is off the table with these people.

I got an email from my ex yesterday (he got a new email address) asking what I've been up to.  Of course he didn't mention the past and what he did to me (cheating and abruptly dumping me).

Thank God for you guys because now I see this for what it is...  It's not just an innocent email, he doesn't see how he hurt me or the error of his ways, it's the start of a recycle attempt.  He needs supply.  And I'm not going to be used again.  It's still kind of hard not to respond (though much less hard than it would have been a year ago), but I'm ignoring it.  Staying NC and BPD free! 

[redberry]

To those who think they will never be recycled, I'm here to say nothing is off the table with these people.

I got an email from my ex yesterday (he got a new email address) asking what I've been up to.  Of course he didn't mention the past and what he did to me (cheating and abruptly dumping me).

Thank God for you guys because now I see this for what it is...  It's not just an innocent email, he doesn't see how he hurt me or the error of his ways, it's the start of a recycle attempt.  He needs supply.  And I'm not going to be used again.  It's still kind of hard not to respond (though much less hard than it would have been a year ago), but I'm ignoring it.  Staying NC and BPD free! 

[~C]

You're doing the right thing by not replying, of course.    Under no circumstances do you want to send him a response...because then he'll know he has the right email!

Mark that email as "SPAM" so that any future emails will go straight there...where you won't have to see them.

 

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Staying NC is best for both of you.

Well done on setting the boundary , holding firm and sharing here. 

[ellil]

Hi Redberry  Hi! It's good to see you.

You're not tempted to respond? Did you block his new email address?

I remember when you were pretty sure he wouldn't contact you again, if my memory serves me correctly. It's good you had all this time to learn what you did.

How did you feel when you saw this email?

M

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[redberry]

Thanks you guys!      I marked his email as spam and blocked him again.

Ellil, I am somewhat tempted to respond but I'm holding strong.  Instead, I'm working on a list of his pros (very short) and cons (very long) to remind me why I am staying away.  I feel a little nostalgic, but I'm feeling strong at the moment because I am finally seeing the full picture and know how this story turns out in the end.  Yes, i didn't think he wouldn't contact me again because our last conversation was him screaming at me and deleting me out of his life.  Plus my replacement seemed like such a "perfect" match.  Again, he was just mirroring and idealizing her.    They're broken up now.  And I am not available.  Sorry, Charlie. Staying away! 

[seeking balance]

  I feel a little nostalgic, but I'm feeling strong at the moment because I am finally seeing the full picture and know how this story turns out in the end. 

Redberry, this is super important - it is ok to FEEL nostalgic, that is normal.  Where you show your emotional maturity is in realizing that not actually ACTING on those feelings will do any good.

Good Job!

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I am not available. 

This is a big step but a vital message.

NC means you are not available on any level whatsoever.

 

[turtle]

The title of your thread should be:

After a year, he's trying AND FAILING to recycle me!

Good for you!

turtle

[GlennT]

After four years NC I felt strong and shot back an email that read something like you are not going to recycle me! Somehow, she played on that and spun it into idealizing me again that tilted me off balance a little. Believe me, they know how to play people, they've been honing this skill practically their whole lives. Stay NC!  

[sea5045]

Always remember what they do: Idealize, Devalue, Discard...

and thanks for reminding me of the screaming, raging gaslighting.

Ugh..never want that  around me again. The minute it happens, I am like one of those toys that you hit the button and it goes all limp dangling at the joints...but she did it to her mother when she lived with me, would rage on the phone, and hang up on her...I now know it's not personal, but still can be hurtful...

[redberry]

Thanks, seeking balance!  I think my heart is finally accepting that any interaction just means more pain for me.  And after months of work, I have more respect for myself than to invite unnecessary emotional pain into my life again. 

You are right, Mindful.  My ex is seriously mentally ill and I am consciously choosing to not let him be my problem anymore.

Yes, Turtle!  There is personal power in that statement.  It feels good to actively maintain NC.

Glenn, that is exactly what I am afraid of.  I know my situation will turn out just as you mentioned.  Why go down that road.  A lifetime of this game makes them better at it than I am.  And I'm fine with that, because I'm not playing!

Exactly right, sea.  Idealize, devalue, discard.  As sure as the sun will rise.  And it is hurtful, for sure.  But we can grow from it.  Unfortunately they cannot.

Virtual hug to you guys, I couldn't do it without you! 

[MindfulJavaJoe]

 

You are on the right path...keep going.