How long will my ex BPD resent me... ?

[Think About It...]

I don't NEED validation from her, but she was for an entire year my whole support system. I want her to see me suceed and achieve my dreams.

My friend, the issues now is NOT ABOUT HER ANY MORE (as she has found another person for her life) but about you and your self esteem and your recovery.

from your quote above, I can see that you are getting in a circular argument which leads to no where. If you don't need VALIDATION from her , then may I ask, why you care whether she sees your successes and your achievement of your dreams. In a more subtle way, you are trying to say that "look I am the right one for you, look at what I have succeeded, I am better than the one you are with, come back to me.". You are not looking for a closure from her, you have been looking for ways to reel her back into your life.

Part of me wants her to eventually reach out so I can just get my power and pride back as a man

you can have your power and pride back RIGHT NOW. You don't need her to reach out so as to GIVE YOU BACK your manhood. Your pride and power are all YOURS TO CREATE, not hers to give out.  Just be yourself, be who you are, be true to your inner principles, your true characters. James Allen said it well, "Circumstance does not MAKE a man, it reveals him". If you count on her to make you feel powerful and proud then who you are if she dies or if she is gone.

I am trying not to sugar coat my comments to you here. Mine is just a different perspective.

Have you thought of getting some counseling?

[OnceConfused]

I don't NEED validation from her, but she was for an entire year my whole support system. I want her to see me suceed and achieve my dreams.

My friend, the issues now is NOT ABOUT HER ANY MORE (as she has found another person for her life) but about you and your self esteem and your recovery.

from your quote above, I can see that you are getting in a circular argument which leads to no where. If you don't need VALIDATION from her , then may I ask, why you care whether she sees your successes and your achievement of your dreams. In a more subtle way, you are trying to say that "look I am the right one for you, look at what I have succeeded, I am better than the one you are with, come back to me.". You are not looking for a closure from her, you have been looking for ways to reel her back into your life.

Part of me wants her to eventually reach out so I can just get my power and pride back as a man

you can have your power and pride back RIGHT NOW. You don't need her to reach out so as to GIVE YOU BACK your manhood. Your pride and power are all YOURS TO CREATE, not hers to give out.  Just be yourself, be who you are, be true to your inner principles, your true characters. James Allen said it well, "Circumstance does not MAKE a man, it reveals him". If you count on her to make you feel powerful and proud then who you are if she dies or if she is gone.

I am trying not to sugar coat my comments to you here. Mine is just a different perspective.

Have you thought of getting some counseling?

[whatarideout]

Screw this peace coming from within yourself... they brought pain into our lives...  

broken,

pointing the finger towards someone else for the way you feel will get you nowhere. playing the victim is not a role you want to play. you will never move forward by blaming another person for where you are now. remember, no one had a gun to our heads. we allowed their behaviour to affect us. the question is why?

I don't get and really will never get how one resolves this without the other party involved...  

because the "other party" has nothing to do with the control over your internal world.

right now you have internal conflict. a "psychological" problem so to speak. the reason and cause for the problem can be traced to an external source ("the other Person"). what happened was that you allowed something outside of yourself (circumstance) to affect the way you control the environment inside of yourself. the key word here is "you". there is no blame, just understand you had the choice to what meaning you give each situation that occurs in your outside world.

now that you have such internal conflict, your mind is looking for a way to rid itself of it. the mistake you are making is thinking that you must return to the original source in order to find resolution. the problem is, the original source is of the outside world. you are now dealing with your internal world. and its scary.

the only way to "fix" a psychological problem is "psychologically". no amount of external supply will ever help with what's going on inside. they are two different worlds. you may ESCAPE the problem temporarily by going outside of yourself for an answer, but you will never be FREE from it. it takes guts to go inside and deal with the real issue. the real issue being the way you think and what's become a fixed belief. which then determines your feelings, followed by your actions.

you can change this. the power that got those thoughts there is the same power that can change them.

the only person who can help you broken, is you.

don't give up.


"there is no help but self-help." - bruce lee

  

[gettingoverit]

Sometimes I get really frustrated when people say not to play the victim when we have been victimized by our pwBPD. All it does is invalidate our feelings and what we have been through. Yes no one put a gun to our heads to stay in these relationships, but for some of us we actually wanted our relationships to work with our exes. I know that I loved my ex. Telling me it's my fault for staying feels like it's also my fault that my ex treated me like crap, lied to me about her past, cheated on me, stole from me, vandilized my home, and tried to have me arrested on false allegations. At what point do we start pointing the finger at the true perpetrators here? So because they have a mental illness they get a "Get out of jail free card"? I guess it's easier to blame the non for staying in the relationship because we should have known better.

I understand that the healing process takes a lot of self reflection and looking within, however those things that my ex did to me in our relationship is not ok, nor will I push it under the rug and say "oh well she has a mental illness, it's not her fault". I say bull crap. I am willing to bet that most know the difference between right and wrong, they just don't care. The only responsibility that I have is that I stayed with her even after she started abusing me...that is my own fault. How she acted within our relationship, how she treated me within that relationship is all about her and her illness. That is not my fault.

[GrandeLyme]

I mentioned this in an earlier thread of mine but... the fallout of being "hated" is killing me inside...

Maybe this would be a good place to discuss and get some of your feedback? It is along this same topic... I am hurting so deeply over this...

My ex recently sent me a horrible email telling me that he wants nothing at all to do with me... In fact, he tells me that if he sees me around anyplace, he will not speak to me? Huh? He went on to say that I am "trying to win him back" and that I'm "stalking him"? Aghh? He threatened that I should never contact his kids or family or try to introduce myself into his circle of friends? Huh? All seriously paranoid and totally unfounded delusions... Never have or would do these things?

This note came 4 days after I met with him after being virtually NC for 14 months? When I saw him he attempted to have sex with me and I gently told him that I didn't agree to meet with him for that? I just wanted us to be "OK" and friends...We talked for a while and everything "seemed" fine... Until 4 days later when I got the cruel and hateful email from him...

Is this typical BPD/NPD behavior?

And why is it soooo difficult for me to have people "hate" me?

This is an entirely new level of hurt from him? I know, I should "block him", etc... I get that...

But, the point to me is that I now realize that he "hates" me and I don't know how to stop my pain. I cannot reach out and "talk" with him about this - then, I am a "stalker"? And even if I did talk with him, I think I could convince him that his thinking is "off" and smooth things over... But with my ex, it seems that after I leave, he "derails" and "spins" in his head... distorts things? What is going on with this?

Is there any hope that he will "snap" out of this delusional behavior? Am I hated for life now? Why is he doing this?

WhiteDoe

Wow I'm sorry - I feel the same way. Somehow, my ex leaves me for someone else while I'm very chronically ill... does this while I'm on disability leave from work... breaks up with me via text... then talks to me about how 'she still loves me, sees a future, but not right now' (etc.)

Then a week later she's across the country with a new guy on vacation, posting photos of them all over each other. But, for some reason - this justifies HER being angry and mean to ME. It makes NO SENSE!

I mean, we give ourselves to them completely. We try to logically deal with situations to resolve the conflict with kindness, and they HATE us? It is so horrible.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - I feel like when we counter-reject (IE I told her I won't be her friend and not to contact me) then they get ANGRY. Just like you rejected sex, he got mad. You aren't a doormat (as I am not).

And in our heads, we think its the right thing to do to 'win them back' (in my case) or to heal in yours.

There's no rhyme or reason. All we know is that it HURTS and dehumanizes us. We trust someone and they betray us in the worst possible ways.

This talk of our inner self is very true, but often we cannot control the pain others can cause. Yes, the issues lie within us and others shouldn't dictate how we feel. But we are human, and when that person KNOWS our insecurities and struggles then EXPLOITS them, its hard to immediately focus on yourself. You are in such SHOCK that you're left obsessing over 'why?'.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[georgie girl]

Yes White doe
I have that problem too - I find it really difficult to have people hate me.  I know I have done nothing to earn such hate and I can't stand the thought of him telling all these people that I abused him when I didnt!

Some of the things you mentioned in your post that yours said to you - the suggestions that you should stay away from his family and friends - mine is like that too and it is so hurtful and insulting like you are a monster who would harm his family! I find all that talk hard to bear! Why would someone you love so much think you are capable of that and worse than that why are they capable of doing such horrible things to us?  especially when it comes at us from out of the blue - loving normal behaviour then suddenly devaluing and hatred? ?

I know it sounds like i am not understanding the illness but its hard to consistently understand the illness especially when friends think you are conveniently looking a nail to hang it on (the fact that someone has left you and is with someone else after 15 years).  Mine even told his lawyer he can't remember our wedding date? That was so hurtful.

Yes maybe there is something wrong with us for not wanting to be hated by people but I thought that was normal? ?

I sometimes get more confused when i read articles on these boards.  I have just read one and it was about leaving a BPD and explaining how you should behave to get out of the relatonship.  It was almost exactly how my BPD h behaved towards me in the weeks prior to leaving.  In the weeks prior to leaving I persuaded him to go to a counsellor (I thought a counsellor would persuade him to go to a doctor. our doctor was trying to get him to a psychiatrist but he wouldnt go).  He wanted me to choose a counsellor for him and i refused as I thought it would backfire on me somehow (he said i was controlling him all the time). After a 6 week stint at the counsellor and being away for those six weeks (although we would meet up) he was working in another town and needed to stay over for work - he then walked out on me.  What I am trying to say is the lead up to him leaving - he was distancing himself and saying it was because of his anxiety, depression, etc;  he was suddenly being nicer and not raging at me;  was definitely not engaging me in any personal conversation and my attempts got nowhere;  i was looking forward to the future with him because we had got rid of our debt were moving to a smaller house - the future was looking brighter. It is almost like he followed all the advice in the article i read about detaching from a BPD - do you think maybe he had convinced his therapist that i was BPD and she gave him pointers to detach?

or maybe i am reading too much into it as he then behaved in true BPD fashion and moved out when i was at work without telling me and when he was asked about it he said i was trying to get inside his head? ?

he is convinced that i am evil and he is happy for other people to think this too.  his new love - i dont get it how can a woman think that a man who has been married for 15 years and walked out on his wife when she is attending hospital and moving house is normal? sorry for the rant but his resent of me is enormous and i would truly have to be a monster to be the person he says i am? ?

[mgl210]

My ex gf just disappeared on me. Without really an explanation of things. I guess when I look back on it, she had a hard time trusting me, but she claimed that she was okay after I had deleted some personal information about her on my fb.  She never has given me any closure, cept that I was given a text message telling me if I went near where she lives or near her personally that the cops would be notified.  I had a friend of mine e-mail her and ask her if she feels that I should just move on. This was more than two weeks ago, and I still haven't gotten any e-mail from her and neither has he.

I ask myself...does she truly resent me? Why is it that when she and I had agreed to be more open with another, that it was just simply a one way street? I am sorry that she has moved onto someone else. At least you somewhat have the closure of her moving on. I have absolutely no idea what she is thinking or anything for that matter.

I miss her terribly and yes I am aware of what time it is..I sleep during the day for short periods and am scared of what the night time brings...

MGL210

[bpdlover]

With BPD, very few if any get closure. BPD is an inability to self soothe. Emotional dysregulation leads to impulsivity which leads to acting out. Shame is at the core, which points to victimisation and serves a self defeating prophecy. That's all it takes to split good into bad until the next chapter where they may seek out good again, not with you but with another object.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Months, years, decades or even an entire lifetime...

Stay NC.
Don't expect that this will ever change.

Why is this important to you?
Why is the attitide of someone with a mental health condition of significance? Does it change the way you see yourself?

Your ex will always perceive you and the world we live in difrently to you.

Look after yourself 

MJJ
 

[GrandeLyme]

Months, years, decades or even an entire lifetime...

Stay NC.
Don't expect that this will ever change.

Why is this important to you?
Why is the attitide of someone with a mental health condition of significance? Does it change the way you see yourself?

Your ex will always perceive you and the world we live in difrently to you.

Look after yourself 

MJJ
 

This is so difficult - especially when you have a decent day and say "hey I'm making progress!" then you "relapse". 

It's difficult when the only person who you leaned on during health struggles, emotional and career struggles, etc. leaves you abruptly for no reason.  And the resentment and anger they project hurts.

Yes we try to focus on ourselves. But we are all struggling to "let go" so to speak. It may seem hopeless, but then we almost keep falling into the denial phase thinking they will come around.

We lose respect for ourselves because the rejection is so powerful. Any strong willed person would have these feelings, I don't find it unusual.

It is just very very painful to think that somebody can completely disregard a long history of GREAT chemistry out of nowhere.

Some exBPDs were abusive or had a lot of ups and downs.

For me and I'm sure many others, when it is all wonderful and then the change happens; it's such a shock to the system. The ultimate betrayal.

I am looking to try hypnotherapy. I wonder if it can help alleviate negative feelings associated with my ex. I can't afford to see a T at the moment. I certainly could use one after this experience. Ugh

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I keep reading this and intellectually "get this" but for some reason, it is so extremely difficult for me to keep "knowing this" when he is "in love" with my replacement.

Love?

Do you believe that?

She may be meeting his needs..
Try to let go. I suspect he will never be truly happpy/

Try to look after you, you and only you. Why are you ruminating about him.

Would you go back to him if he begged you too?
Would you be happy?

MJJ

[hithere]

You had great chemistry, she was there for you though ups and downs and challenges and things were great...are you sure she had BPD?

[GrandeLyme]

You had great chemistry, she was there for you though ups and downs and challenges and things were great...are you sure she had BPD?

She never told me. But here's why I think she did:

-She told me she was "Falling in love with me" two months into the relationship
-She never could discuss things that she did that upset me (ie drinking and driving, not being in control when she drinks)
-She used to say she was afraid I would "hurt her" or "fall out of love with her"
-She pushed me to commit to her children as a father figure (I'm 26, and she would drop hints about buying a house 6 months into the relationship)
-I broke up with her once because i wanted time to think about the relationship and whether I wanted to be committed to such responsibility early in relationship (and she got very upset). We worked it out a week later
-She told me the father of her children used to scream at her and say "she ruined his life". They were together for 7 years, and she broke off the engagement on New Years Eve (3 months before she met me)
-Her father left when she was 4, and she had multiple stepdads
-She dyed her hair black when she met me, and immediately went blonde when we broke up
-our only fight triggered her to break up with me (I told her she shouldn't be drinking and driving, and that I couldn't be with someone who acted that way especially if they are responsible for children). She got upset at this and I apologized, then I got immediate discard / devalue.
-I told her all of my insecurities / past issues one week before we broke up. She used it all as ammunition and crushed me emotionally
-She never talked to me about her past relationships / why they broke up. It was always "I just wasn't happy".
-She put me on a pedestal
-It always felt like she had no opinion. If i wanted to watch a debate for 2 hours, she'd sit there. Hang out with my obnoxious friends? Fine shed come. Everything we did she never really offered any opinion. She mirrored my interests.
-When she was drunk shed act like a fool, regressing to almost a childlike state. (like that girl in college who was an embarrassment)
-She had "screamed and cursed" at her mom several times, but I never witnessed. This seemed very out of character to me.
-She never hung out with her friends while we were together


There's probably a bunch more. Part of me hopes it's not BPD and she's just going through a "I had two kids when I was 21 and never lived single life so I'm having a quarter life crisis" stage. Then at least she might come around.

Despite her flaws, I love her very much. We would laugh constantly at everything. But when I got sick, we didn't do as much. So I feel like that contributed (was on disability for the last 3 months). It just sucks.

[juner]

Mentally disordered people seem to hate a lot of people - especially those who know their secrets. But mostly they just hate themselves - and they hate the thought of hating themselves.  It's too painful. So all that contempt and hatred gets turned back onto you. But it really has nothing to do you with.

WhiteDoe, you recently just happened to be in the line of fire for your ex's hatred because you were once close to him and his mask fell off. He felt pathetic and shamed because he sensed your kindness and good nature when you met up after 14 months. He also knew how inappropiate it was for him to be so aggressive in wanting to have sex after so much time had passed and after he hurt you so badly. None of that is your fault.

It's not the real you that he hates - he hates the effect that you have on him. It all comes back to him and how things effect him. He doesn't really know the real you - he wears blinders. He can't clearly "see" you or your inner beauty and true worth if that makes any sense.

WD, he actually hates himself, but he can't bear the thought, so he convinces himself that he hates you. You're right - his thoughts are distorted. He has to live with this inner turmoil. It's no longer your burden to figure him out. It's all about his struggle. It's a childish flip. He came after you, so he turns you into a stalker. Think of him as an angry little child who pushes you away. It's all about him being emotionally stunted, yet living in the world of adults and pretending all the time.

Consider the source of all this "hatred." Maybe you can try to soften the pain you feel by asking yourself, should you even care that someone who is so distorted in his thoughts "hates" you - or does he just deserve detached understanding? And will he actually hate you for life? Can a little child keep up with feeling anger for long?

It's take a lot of energy to hate someone. Most people give up the ghost. Hating someone is a very active state of being. It's hardest on the one who hates. Ultimately you can try to find compassion for someone who hates you. How would you like to be filled with hatred. It's awful.

So WhiteDoe, he is, emotionally, a child with stunted development in many ways. He cannot sustain an adult love relationship, not even with your replacement. He may be aided in making his current relationship work longer, though, if he can keep some sort of triangulation (read definition) with you going and fan the flames of his hatred. He can use this as a contrast for his "love" of the new gf. Sorry - a bit of thought streaming there. You do need to hear that he is BPD/ndp over and over again. Inoculate yourself as many times as you need to rid yourself of this man. And use the happy memories as a reminder that you have love in your heart to give - and that's a very good thing.
 

Wow GrandLyme - go back and keep re-reading that list as you heal from this toxic r/s. Sorry you had to experience that.

[hithere]

Sounds like a bad relationship to me and no doubt she has some serious problems.

In the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter but I don't think most of the things you listed are BPD related and the ones that could be are also present in other disorders and with addiction.

Either way you are probably much better off without her and I think you should be in therapy taking care of yourself.

[matwater]

It's normal for it to hurt I've realised that.

Mine 7 months after now waits for me to walk down the school lane and then scurres into the School office to hide from her "Nasty" husband.

It hurts less and less each time... She is trying to manufacture some concern and play up to the school yard.

My real friends and my family know what really went on.

All that is needed is for me to think the best of myself!

[mgl210]

Well today marks a month of her not talking to me, I don't know how to feel or what not...

[Mauser]

My therapist tells me that my ex believes his own delusions and "blocks" memories of "us"... it is "too painful" for him to remember how we used to be... ? If only I could "block" those memories? 

Actually, my ex said the very same thing on occasion. After a b/u, he would get rid of any trace of me, go out and party, and block me out. A few times I said "How can you do that? How can you just not even think of me? How can you not hurt?" And he said that same thing- it was too painful to think about me.  I had never understood it.

[mgl210]

The thing is, my ex gf/fiance isn't the type of person that would go out and party. She would most likely retreat into my room if I had my friend M over. She also would tend to be very attached to my hip when I tried to introduce her to two of my other friends. For the most part, she is notoriously known for taking benadryl and advil pm to induce sleep to get outta her mind and/or cut her urges at the stop so she doesn't give into them...

[GrandeLyme]

My therapist tells me that my ex believes his own delusions and "blocks" memories of "us"... it is "too painful" for him to remember how we used to be... ? If only I could "block" those memories? 

Actually, my ex said the very same thing on occasion. After a b/u, he would get rid of any trace of me, go out and party, and block me out. A few times I said "How can you do that? How can you just not even think of me? How can you not hurt?" And he said that same thing- it was too painful to think about me.  I had never understood it.

My ex is out partying RIGHT NOW. Of course, I've been trying to NC, and my friend just showed me photos of her in my town with her girlfriends. She's wasted.

I don't even want to go out in my own town anymore for fear I'll be humiliated by my drunken ex and her new BF. It's only been a month, but it still hurts as much as day one..

(Oh, and my friend blocked her on FB, but saw photos from a mutual friend). She went from being a nice down to earth responsible girl (for the most part) to a party animal. So sad to watch

[BentNotBroken]

Both "roles" that she plays, are just part of the mental disorder. They have no real sense of self, so they play all kinds of characters. There was a thread about this a while back. It was all of the characters that your BPD ex plays. ie. Dominating witch, queen, personal porn star, childlike waif, etc. In the 15+ years I was with my ex I saw at least 10 different ones. All of them just a big fabrication of her sick mind.