Update on Breaking NC

[Think About It...]

Seems like there's a lot of breaking NC stories on the board right now, so I decided to update you on my situation - although I don't know the ending yet.

My exBPDbf with whom I initiated and held NC for 18 months sent me an email last month apologizing and asking if he could see me.  I thought about this long and hard, but curiosity got the better of me and I agreed to have lunch with him.  I wrote about this on a separate thread.  

Since our lunch he has been volunteering to do a variety of chores for me.  I accepted his help on one thing, but bought him a meal to pay him back for the favor.  Now he's volunteered to do two other things for me.

This is what he does for all his female friends - these endless chores and home improvements.  He's not working right now and I think it gives him something to do, as well as feeling good about himself that he's "helping."  He also told me when we were dating, that he didn't think anyone would like him just for himself, but if he did favors for them, they would like him.

He's been a bit touchy-feely with me (touching my arm at lunch several times, holding my hand when showing me how to do something on the computer) and he hugs me every time we part company.  But I don't get any kind of "sexual" or "interest" vibe from him.

And having said that, our conversations feel strangely the same as they did when we were dating - which has really slammed home the fact to me that our "relationship" was never very intimate.

I don't feel sucked in or in fear of being hurt at this point - I do feel a great deal of curiosity about why he's pushing all these favors.

Just to test him, the last time he volunteered to do a favor, (only yesterday) I asked him if he wanted to do something socially over the long weekend and he has yet to respond to that.  

Anyway, no answers yet, but that's my update for the moment.

[buddhagirl]

Seems like there's a lot of breaking NC stories on the board right now, so I decided to update you on my situation - although I don't know the ending yet.

My exBPDbf with whom I initiated and held NC for 18 months sent me an email last month apologizing and asking if he could see me.  I thought about this long and hard, but curiosity got the better of me and I agreed to have lunch with him.  I wrote about this on a separate thread.  

Since our lunch he has been volunteering to do a variety of chores for me.  I accepted his help on one thing, but bought him a meal to pay him back for the favor.  Now he's volunteered to do two other things for me.

This is what he does for all his female friends - these endless chores and home improvements.  He's not working right now and I think it gives him something to do, as well as feeling good about himself that he's "helping."  He also told me when we were dating, that he didn't think anyone would like him just for himself, but if he did favors for them, they would like him.

He's been a bit touchy-feely with me (touching my arm at lunch several times, holding my hand when showing me how to do something on the computer) and he hugs me every time we part company.  But I don't get any kind of "sexual" or "interest" vibe from him.

And having said that, our conversations feel strangely the same as they did when we were dating - which has really slammed home the fact to me that our "relationship" was never very intimate.

I don't feel sucked in or in fear of being hurt at this point - I do feel a great deal of curiosity about why he's pushing all these favors.

Just to test him, the last time he volunteered to do a favor, (only yesterday) I asked him if he wanted to do something socially over the long weekend and he has yet to respond to that.  

Anyway, no answers yet, but that's my update for the moment.

[diotima]

Be very, very careful about sliding back into things with him--even if you think you don't feel interest. Why did you ask him to do something social?
Diotima

[goinbonkers]

Sounds like he may have serious unresolved intimacy issues.  Just saying.

[buddhagirl]

diotima - fair question.  I asked him if he wanted to do something social because I'm trying to see if he really only wants to help me (guilt, making up for being not so nice before) or if he's trying to inch back to where we were before.

goinbonkers:  yes, many many unresolved intimacy issues.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[diotima]

Keep in mind that there is no object constancy and no self constancy. Thinking about him in terms of what he "really wants" won't work because that can change very quickly. You can't count on anything.
Diotima

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

I thought you might find this link interesting:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/excerpt-from-mr-unavailable-the-fallback-girl-2nd-edition-he-keeps-a-foothold-in-your-life/

'When he suggests that you should be friends or comes back and dangles the _

[buddhagirl]

Good point about object constancy - I agree.

JessicaPuppy - I'm a big fan of the Baggage Reclaim blog and that quote is spot on.

I don't know what I'm doing right now.  He's boring and weird.  And yet, I'm struggling with wanting to not feel rejected again.

That's pathetic, but I'm being honest.

[jessicapuppy]

That whole article Natalie has written on that topic, is really interesting.

It's funny that you mention rejection, because early today I was reading an article that she has written on the subject - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-avoiding-rejection-actually-opens-you-up-to-more-why-its-not-always-rejection/

It is a really interesting take on the subject.

JP
x

[ellil]

Please forgive me for being so curious,  but what are you going to say if he says yes to your invite to do something socially this weekend?

M

[buddhagirl]

If he says yes, then we'll go out and do something - which for us would be a meal or a movie - no big deal.  Most likely he'll wait until the last minute before mentioning that he could be available.  If he does that, I'm going to say (and this may be true by then) that having not heard from him I made other plans.

If he ignores the invite altogether than he's sending a clear message that he's only willing to "help". 

[MirrorProof]

I feel like ur setting yourself up for grief, it's your choice at the end of the day

[Rise]

I don't know what I'm doing right now.  He's boring and weird.  And yet, I'm struggling with wanting to not feel rejected again.

That's pathetic, but I'm being honest.

It's not pathetic. It's a legitimate fear. Nobody wants to feel rejected. Many of us go to unthinkable lengths to avoid it.

But try and look at this objectively. The only way he can reject you again, is if you pursue him. The thing you're scared of is completely within your control. If you're really that worried don't even give him the opportunity. Don't let him back in.

[diotima]

My take on this without pulling punches: Let it go. Don't do it. You are setting yourself up for pain.
Diotima

[buddhagirl]

So the exBPDbf sent me a chatty email today that he couldn't get together on Monday as he was going with a buddy to a Dodger's game.

He then updated me on what's going on with him (the state of his deposition and his unemployment extension) and wished me a good weekend with my daughter (Sat/Sunday).

He reminded me to let him know as soon as my new table arrived so he can put it together for me.

I'm not crushed or upset that he's not available on Monday and he got back to me in a respectful amount of time.

I think maybe we'll just be casual friends.  Still working this out in my heart and taking it one day at a time.

[patientandclear]

I tried being sort of casual friends for a little bit, though admittedly at the time I was waiting to see if he would dig into his intimacy issues in therapy and gain some insight (I didn't know about BPD yet) so we could try again romantically.  I thought we had agreed that's what he was doing.

I found it excruciating to go from our intense, "there's nothing in this world but you and me" level of mutual interest, to checking in every few days via brief emails and seeing each other very occasionally for a movie & dinner. It was too jarring.  I poured far too much significance into our communication for what I was getting back; he controlled how much contact we would have; it made me feel like a supplicant, not a friend.

I ended contact in part because I learned he was reconnecting with his old gf while supposedly being alone & working on his r/s issues ... but also in part because being casual friends was far too painful.

[NewStart]

Buddahgirl - Be careful because it seems to me that this could just be the start of some BPD games that would just end up hurting you.  He keeps you at arms length as a "friend" or as your "helper" which makes HIM feel good about who HE is and at some point when he's in need and you are vulnerable he may very well cross that "friend" line to something more... and then you're right back where you started.
Be careful.
NewStart

[my life back]

Buddahgirl-
My advice is be very carfeul also!  It sounds to me like HIS need to feel NEEDED and being your helper.  This is nothing about concern for you or doing something nice for you.  It's about HIM feeling good about HIM.  Hard to swallow, but true indeed.   Something I needed done or a resource my exuBPDbf may have known prompted me in so many other break ups to call or text him.  Had I known more of BPD at the time I would have realized that and NO matter what- I can find me a more healthy helper.  Not only that, I'm finding doing things on my own is making me feel better about me and more empowered as a woman.
I never "needed" him to do things for me anyway.  I wanted a partner for so many other emotional reasons and those he could never fill consistently, that is.
Think about the pros and cons of spending time with him at all.  I'm not a revengeful person but once read the best revenge is moving on!
Good luck
 

[buddhagirl]

My heartfelt thanks to the three of your for sharing you "friend" stories with me.  It has been very helpful to hear about your experiences.  P&C - what you describe, the "supplicant" friend relationship - is how I would foresee this evolving - that's been his pattern with the other ex's.

I'm perfectly clear that the "helping" is for him to feel good about himself and that it's not about me.  That much, from these boards, I have learned.

I have quite a bit going on in my "real life" at the moment so I am going to focus on me and not initiate anymore contact.

Small, baby steps.  I feel slightly in danger of being sucked back in, but no heartache at this point.

Thank you all so much for your insights and advice.

[Bandita]

I tried being sort of casual friends for a little bit, though admittedly at the time I was waiting to see if he would dig into his intimacy issues in therapy and gain some insight (I didn't know about BPD yet) so we could try again romantically.  I thought we had agreed that's what he was doing.

I found it excruciating to go from our intense, "there's nothing in this world but you and me" level of mutual interest, to checking in every few days via brief emails and seeing each other very occasionally for a movie & dinner. It was too jarring.  I poured far too much significance into our communication for what I was getting back; he controlled how much contact we would have; it made me feel like a supplicant, not a friend.

I ended contact in part because I learned he was reconnecting with his old gf while supposedly being alone & working on his r/s issues ... but also in part because being casual friends was far too painful.

This this this.

No matter how zen / on the level we try to be, I think when dealing with BPD people we end up finding it is just too much of an emotional drain and there's honestly no benefit to it. Buddhagirl, why are you even concerned with allowing him to help so he can feel good about himself? Not only is that 'not your job', but what you may see as being selfless is actually costing you in a way. You are not really doing him any favors. If he needs to learn to feel good about himself, then he needs to learn how to do that without others facilitating it, or he won't truly learn.

Now I guess, if this was some kind of 'paying restitution' scenario, that might be different because that's working off a debt. But you seem to be mostly concerned with his feelings which honestly, is none of your concern. You also are anticipating outcomes, and analyzing his moves, which shows you're investing more than you should be.

I don't want to come off as harsh, especially since you are really trying to explore through these baby steps what's comfortable with and for you, and I respect that. It would also take an extremely strong person to pull off, because you have to REALLY know exactly when it's time to shut it down, which is a very probable reality.

This hits a sensitive nerve with me because I JUST went through this process after my very very recent break-up, and I had the abrupt realization that the entire effort was moot because of who/what I am dealing with in this disorder. The truth is that no amount of strategy can help us the way us the way we think it will, and any kind of relationship without reciprocity is unhealthy, period. It's a tough fact to face but playing with fire is playing with fire.

If you are not 100% completely ok with expending energy without return and experiencing and working through more hurt then I would not test the waters. Best of luck.