Feeling my heart strings being pulled| 1 1/2 year out Contacted 3 days ago.

[Think About It...]

Oh my,

I feel my heart getting weak, wanting to profess to her my hurts, and pains, and hearbreak,, expeciting to get some sympathy maybe from her.  Or just for justice for myself, to get it out and be real with myself, whether she receives it or not. 

Well she did call.. I answered, hoping to get some final closure on questions..   I asked the purpose of her call, she responded and uses the God card.. "by the way she is now super hyper spiritual" says she had a dream and was praying for the past two weeks wether or not she should call..  and finally felt released to call me..

I was like ok! ?    She said she is seeking deeper healing. and wanted to see how i was doing.

And that she feels sad that I brought her to a wonderful town and that she gets to live there and not me..  Remember I bailed to get away from a bad situation.. 

So I listened..  then i felt my stuff coming out.. the pain i felt, the sadness and the heartbreak, for my failed marriage,, and all that junk, I could not subdue it... I let her have it.. not caring what she thought really.,, but just needed to get stuff of my chest..

She of course, said that was inapporpaite and made her feel uncomfrtable and that she finds it amusing how still have a heart,, blah blah blah...  I found it amusing how quicky she had a change of heart.. Anyway... she then did the push and had to go..

She has not stated her motives.. she says she does not have any... and acts alloof to why i am squirming with her on the phone and wants to keep the converstion light, and how talking about my feeling is to intense for her..

and that the stress is triggering her Hashimotos thyroid disorder which i think she believes is the culrpit to her behavior

My last converstaion with her,, was her asking me how i was feeling at the moment, I told her i felt sad,, she asked why,, i told her because of losing her... to this sickness she had..

she then whats seemed , to turn the tables and get upset with me..  I fired back, and told her maybe she should not be calling me... And i said that she was detached from her emotions, as she does not seem to have empathy in what i was saying to her and how i was trying to be real, while she just wanted to keep some superficial conversation going..

I hung up..

about a hour later,, she texts me,, how happ she was how she just talked to a friend.. and that the holy spirit shared with her, how she was not being honest with herself or me, and that i would be happy to her what she had to say, and she would call tomorrow.. 

She is calling now,, I feel weak,,

[CVA]

Oh my,

I feel my heart getting weak, wanting to profess to her my hurts, and pains, and hearbreak,, expeciting to get some sympathy maybe from her.  Or just for justice for myself, to get it out and be real with myself, whether she receives it or not. 

Well she did call.. I answered, hoping to get some final closure on questions..   I asked the purpose of her call, she responded and uses the God card.. "by the way she is now super hyper spiritual" says she had a dream and was praying for the past two weeks wether or not she should call..  and finally felt released to call me..

I was like ok! ?    She said she is seeking deeper healing. and wanted to see how i was doing.

And that she feels sad that I brought her to a wonderful town and that she gets to live there and not me..  Remember I bailed to get away from a bad situation.. 

So I listened..  then i felt my stuff coming out.. the pain i felt, the sadness and the heartbreak, for my failed marriage,, and all that junk, I could not subdue it... I let her have it.. not caring what she thought really.,, but just needed to get stuff of my chest..

She of course, said that was inapporpaite and made her feel uncomfrtable and that she finds it amusing how still have a heart,, blah blah blah...  I found it amusing how quicky she had a change of heart.. Anyway... she then did the push and had to go..

She has not stated her motives.. she says she does not have any... and acts alloof to why i am squirming with her on the phone and wants to keep the converstion light, and how talking about my feeling is to intense for her..

and that the stress is triggering her Hashimotos thyroid disorder which i think she believes is the culrpit to her behavior

My last converstaion with her,, was her asking me how i was feeling at the moment, I told her i felt sad,, she asked why,, i told her because of losing her... to this sickness she had..

she then whats seemed , to turn the tables and get upset with me..  I fired back, and told her maybe she should not be calling me... And i said that she was detached from her emotions, as she does not seem to have empathy in what i was saying to her and how i was trying to be real, while she just wanted to keep some superficial conversation going..

I hung up..

about a hour later,, she texts me,, how happ she was how she just talked to a friend.. and that the holy spirit shared with her, how she was not being honest with herself or me, and that i would be happy to her what she had to say, and she would call tomorrow.. 

She is calling now,, I feel weak,,

[seeking balance]

Hi CVA,

I have followed your story from the beginning and have watched the pain you have been in - the questioning of everything.

At this point, you know exactly the actions to take to stop the pain...however, letting go just has not happened for you.

Why do you think you cannot let go and just walk away?

Peace,
SB

[~C]

Oh, this is such difficult stuff!  I'm so sorry she called you to have her selfish little snit.  She's only calling for HERSELF...it has NOTHING to do with you.  She is looking for supply, and by talking to her and getting emotional and upset, you're giving it to her.

Here is what I would do:  When she calls again, pick up and say nothing (I assume you have caller ID).  This will immediately put her in "listening mode" and throw her off her game.  

When she says "Uh...hello?" Respond, "I thought it was you.  I have no interest in talking to you.  Do not call me, text me, or email me ever again.  Good bye."  

Then hang up on her.

Disconnect the phone (or shut it off if it's a cell).  Leave it off for a few hours.  Go find something else to do.  Come and visit us here.  Do whatever you have to do to ignore her and stay NC.

Doing this puts a boundary down.  And it puts the control back into your hands.   Like SB said...let go and walk away.

[seeking balance]

C gave it to you without any fluff CVA.

Again, the focus has to be you and not her - why are you engaging?  And you have been on these boards for almost 2 years, saying "closure" is not going to fly here as you already know closure comes from within.

CVA - what are you holding on to?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ellil]

I feel my heart getting weak, wanting to profess to her my hurts, and pains, and hearbreak,, expeciting to get some sympathy maybe from her.  Or just for justice for myself, to get it out and be real with myself, whether she receives it or not.

Expecting to get some sympathy from her? From what you've written in this post, the only reason SHE called was for HERSELF, not out of feelings for you. Please be strong. And justice for yourself? Is it justice for yourself when you speak to her and "unload," and instead of you feeling better, you feel worse?

Look logically at this--you went with "sympathy" and "justice"--instead you are feeling weak.

How were you feeling and healing before she contacted you?

Well she did call.. I answered, hoping to get some final closure on questions..   I asked the purpose of her call, she responded and uses the God card.. "by the way she is now super hyper spiritual" says she had a dream and was praying for the past two weeks wether or not she should call..  and finally felt released to call me..

Instead of closure, weakness. Learn the lesson - your ex has a not-so-unique "talent" like most of the rest of our ex's--even after years of being gone, they can rip open a wound faster than you can sneeze.

SHE is now hyper spiritual, SHE had a dream, whether or not SHE should call, SHE felt released to call you.

It's always all about her isn't it? Is it ever about us? SHE was feeling "Godly" at that time and decided SHE could intrude on your life where you've been in control now for a few years, just so SHE could gain those few moments of proving to herself SHE could still feel better inside by dangling HER hook down near your heart.

I was like ok! ?    She said she is seeking deeper healing. and wanted to see how i was doing.

Just in case we haven't touched on this, SHE is seeking HER deeper healing and to do that, needs to involve YOU--even after years, SHE needs to involve YOU so she can feel better.

And that she feels sad that I brought her to a wonderful town and that  she gets to live there and not me..  Remember I bailed to get away from a bad situation..

Booster shot: SHE feels sad that SHE got to take from you something really cool and SHE is still enjoying it while you feel...what do you feel? How do you feel about this particular incident--new wonderful town and SHE'S living there while you moved to get your life in order.

So I listened..  then i felt my stuff coming out.. the pain i felt, the sadness and the heartbreak, for my failed marriage,, and all that junk, I could not subdue it... I let her have it.. not caring what she thought really.,, but just needed to get stuff of my chest..

Good for you! Since you let her engage you in conversation, at least maybe you released some things that were marinating inside you these past few years. At least that's off your chest and hopefully you won't think about them ever again.

Do you feel any better at all having relieved yourself of these feelings?

She of course, said that was inapporpaite and made her feel uncomfrtable and that she finds it amusing how still have a heart,, blah blah blah...  I found it amusing how quicky she had a change of heart.. Anyway... she then did the push and had to go..

Of course SHE felt it was inappropriate. SHE cannot have YOU in control of anything because then SHE feels empty and out of control. SHE called you for supply and instead SHE got something SHE didn't anticipate: You sticking up for yourself and not giving HER the control SHE called for.

She has not stated her motives.. she says she does not have any... and acts alloof to why i am squirming with her on the phone and wants to keep the converstion light, and how talking about my feeling is to intense for her..

and that the stress is triggering her Hashimotos thyroid disorder which i think she believes is the culrpit to her behavior

Of course SHE can't talk about YOUR feelings...then it would be about YOU and not HER.

My last converstaion with her,, was her asking me how i was feeling at the moment, I told her i felt sad,, she asked why,, i told her because of losing her... to this sickness she had..

she then whats seemed , to turn the tables and get upset with me..  I fired back, and told her maybe she should not be calling me... And i said that she was detached from her emotions, as she does not seem to have empathy in what i was saying to her and how i was trying to be real, while she just wanted to keep some superficial conversation going..

Danger, Danger Will Robinson! YOU pointed out HER sickness. YOU turned the tables from YOU being the problem to HER illness being the problem. This is dangerous territory here--SHE cannot handle YOU pointing out personal responsibility to HER. SHE can't help but respond with irrational shame, guilt, loss of control, loss of potential supply, loss of someone to fill the empty void inside her...

I hung up..

Good! Blow up your phone. Tie it to cement and throw it in the East River. Put it in the trunk of a car and drop the car off at the salvage/junkyard...Change your phone number. Seal any potential creak or crevice she can slide in through in the future.

about a hour later,, she texts me,, how happ she was how she just talked to a friend.. and that the holy spirit shared with her, how she was not being honest with herself or me, and that i would be happy to her what she had to say, and she would call tomorrow..

SHE'S crazy remember? Change. Your. Number.  

She is calling now,, I feel weak,,

SHE wants you to feel weak.
When YOU are weak, SHE is strong.

Stay strong. Don't let it be all about HER.

Can you get out and exercise? Go out with some friend? Work? Read over your early posts and see how much you have grown.

Tell me, what positive things have happened with you over these past few years of being without her?

M

[redfeather]

Ellil cleared up what her ulterior motives are didnt she? Reading you post I got the same feeling...it was all about her nothing about you. So everything would be the same if you re-engage with this woman. It will all be about her and none of your needs will get met and she will run away again..and  again.

[turtle]

CVA --

I, too, have followed your story from the beginning.

If you MUST talk to her (which you know would be better if you didn't,) can you just say that God told YOU not to talk to HER?

Clearly, the God message is the only thing she pretends to hear, so let her know that God is talking to you too and the message is completely different.

People who play the God card irritate the he! out of me.  None of the BS she's put you through is from God.  And if God spoke to her about calling you, don't you think God would speak to you about the same thing?  

When I was in my early 20's, a guy told me that God told him he was supposed to marry me.  Really?  God never told me that.  

People that pull this kind of crap in the name of God are so irritating.


turtle

[Slowlybutsurely]

I think the other posters said all there is to say on this, and so well, but I wanted to add one thing.

I bumped into my ex a few weeks ago, and it was exactly the same. She found spirituality, the conversation was ALL about HER, and when I talked about myself, I could see she wasn't even listening, especially when I said things that had to do with my feelings. She didn't respond to the things I said, there was even LESS empathy than there ever had been, which is saying a lot. She sucked up everything positive I had to say about her, though. When I left that brief conversation, I felt so clearly what I felt in the whole relationship--emptied, sucked dry, not heard, not understood, like I was invisible and there only for HER, not seen, etc.
It felt AWFUL.
It's never going to change. Not ever.

So, my advice: block her from ever contacting you again in any way. It is the only way. Keeping the channels open is supremely counter productive, and playing into any kind of games with her, utterly futile and a waste of your emotional and mental energy.

Just block her.

[NewStart]

Slowlybutsurely great take and it really brought me back around too.  You are so right about being emptied or sucked dry... that is EXACTLY what they do!

Thanks for helping me remember the sheer exhaustion and CVA I hope you can remember this too and see that from word one she started to emotionally drain you once again.

Be strong and my advice would be to ignore all other attempts at contact from her moving forward as they will only serve her.

Peace,
NS

[ellil]

Now that we all agree what she might be thinking_

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I feel my heart getting weak, wanting to profess to her my hurts, and pains, and hearbreak,, expeciting to get some sympathy maybe from her.  Or just for justice for myself, to get it out and be real with myself, whether she receives it or not. 

1. You are being weak and well done for recognising 
2. Contact from your ex can feel like a bolt from the blue. It can trigger fealings that you forgot you had. You now recognise this.
3. You have been here a long time and have done a good job of educating yourself on BPD.
4. You know that you have not detached fully...

The way through all this is to work more on you and the last thing you should do is make contact with your ex... you know this is not good for either of you.

Take a look at the lessons down the RHS of this page... Click on them, and read over again and again at times like this.

It is not esy to detach but you have to be wlling to help yourself an ddo the rigth things.

My stbxuBPD/NPDw makes daily contact with me.

Just ignore, move on and enjoy life..

Freedom post BPD is waitng for you.

MJJ

[CVA]

This is all so much to take in my ftf family.. I know there is some unresovled heart issue with me..

We did talk, and well she finally admitted she had feelings for me.. or still does.. it was endearing to hear. but not totally sure about taking the bait.. well what i mean to say is that I have not bought it.. completely..

It did feel good to get the stuff off my chest.. I have been vulnerable to this, due to the fact that i was just up in this mountain town for a retreat, and well saw familiar places.. I was driving back, reflecting, just told a friend who i have not seen in many years about my story, and poof the same day  phone call came from her. 

So i was not very prepared, but i did feel a array of emotions flowing.. One being anger,, And i needed to express this to her for my own health.. as i have buried it for so long.. and never able to confront her.. I here the word SUPPLY?  makes sense while pondering on it. I am supplying her.. yes, makes sense.. we did have a nice talk, as she seemed vulnerable..

How long that will last, i have no idea.. my take on this is. her feelings seemed to be only in the moment.. she keeps praising me.. and how awesome i am etc.. does not have the same affect on me as when i first met her.. its kinda uncomforting actually.  getting all this praise. for just basic human communication.

I realize I could be setting myself up.. but another part of me sees how much i have revcovered, and it gives me self respect to know I am sticking up for myself and she cannot hurt me, and I am not married to her. and do not fear.. her..

I think i will do something for myself..  today, and just live my life...  I can tell by talking to her, that there is some underlying issues, and BPD symptoms.. being masked.. bu hyper spiritual stuff.  I just needed to tell her I loved her.. which i have.. and not be afraid to do so..

I dnt think i will be engaing in this dance...  much longer.. as my danger sensors are on full alert.. 

many have asked what was inside of me to make me feel the need to accept  contact and engage.. The heart is a strange body part..  I needed to stop being afraid of her, and do myself a favor and just be me..  I know some of you have hit the nail on the head.. it does seem to be about her.. it in many ways with out minutes on the phone, has seemed to be about her, and her needs.    Yes for some reason my heart has not fully recovered and the trauma. has just begun to lift for me to feel again.. and to deal with issues that have been imprisoned inside myself.. You know that thing the body does like shut down... Somehow my contact with her has released this.. and I am trying to navigate these waters.. in a better way than to run from myself and fear. and be afraid of her..  I owe this to myself.. My friends, I am lad to come here, and know i can count on you.. My compassion and heart for people can get the best of me. I know that i will make it thru this.. I do feel myself getting reeled in.. either by her, or my just own stupidity.. but never the less. I am getting answers, from her.. Supply keeps ringing true with this.. thank you my friends.. I am glad you are here. Good thing is ,, she lives 6 hours away, this does offer me alot of protection, and I honestly dont think she will go out of her way to come down.. here.. its all so tempting...

one thing she does seem very charged that I have talked to her.  overly elated,, which is a red flag for me,, 

[seeking balance]

CVA,

It is a process and we all have a journey - no doubt about it.  There is no right or wrong in this either.

In the detachment process - where do you think you sit in the stages over to the right?

Peace,
SB

[turtle]

Hey CVA --

These things are difficult.  We WANT to hear them feel badly for all the BS they've caused - and we WANT to believe they are sincere.  

This woman ran you up and down the flag pole repeatedly -- and she constantly used the "God" card to hook into your guilt.

I know you have not decided anything about what to do next, but it might be a good idea to ask yourself exactly what you want here. So, you spoke with her and listened to her current claims of "feelings" for you.  Your senses are heightened (a good thing) because she's coming off as insincere in her adoration of you (good for you for paying attention to this huge red flag.)  So...okay.  What now?  

turtle

[patientandclear]

she keeps praising me.. and how awesome i am etc.. does not have the same affect on me as when i first met her.. its kinda uncomforting actually.  getting all this praise. for just basic human communication.

This is one of those moments when I am just certain that BPD explains what happened in my own story.  This -- over the top appreciation of what is truly just basic human communication -- is something that puzzled me even at the time about my ex partner, and now makes me really uncomfortable and sad to think about.  He would say things like "of all the things I love about you -- and there are a lot -- the one that is most striking is that you always ask about me."  At the time this made me feel appreciated -- everything he said was about how great I was, how special and amazing -- but after the breakup I started looking at that and many similar statements in a new light.  This made no sense.  Why was I "amazing" for doing something that at least 50% of the human race would do?

This is what I find so heartbreaking about all of our experiences.  We were made to feel so special by such ultimately generic praise and affirmation, paired with mirroring.  I see this as largely hollow now, but at the time, it had such an impact on me.  I thought we were meant to be together, uniquely good together, largely because he kept telling me he felt that way -- but those would be the reasons (because of how amazing I was because of these random character traits that, while true of me, really don't sum me up or distinguish me from everyone else at all).

CVA, I totally understand why it may be easier to accept what this really was/is after interacting with your ex for a bit and seeing what she does through new eyes.  I hope it helps you move on rather than pulling you back in to a damaging cycle.

[bpdlover]

Admitted she had feelings for you? Finds it amusing you have a heart? Zig zag. Do you find that they make up a lot of excuses for their illness? If you sat on any of the calls not being able to say what you thought or felt, she is no different. If she had changed, wouldn't she be able to listen to you and allow you the floor? She, she, she as has been written all over this thread. Perhaps you are tempted to play again because it may distract you from you own life or you see it as a chance for her to prove you're wrong? Regardless, be good to you. There is no point you leaving the house unlocked and giving a thief permission to enter. 

[CVA]

This is hard,,

Its hard,  because for the first time in 2 half years it seems, this is somewhat the only time i have been able to talk to her,, on any level... I mean after a week of marriage all went to hell, and seemed everyday something new was ailing her, etc, and drama, of course, you know eventually when she came back after her year gone when she abandoned her marriage and decided to come back.. I just dropped her off where she was staying, becuase, even after a year being gone, the 10 days i had contact with her i was hit, lied too, and her sucidal stuff kept coming up.. and there was nothing for me,, I dropped her off and drove away,, my heartbreaking so much,, like i was dropping off a puppy on the curb,, except this one liked to bite..

I have not seen or spoke with her except once from that day.. excpet last oct, when i ran into her in town... and she told me abut her new fantastic boyfriend. I was crushed to say the least... I think I have felt so guilty, as if i was the one who abandoned her.. sounds silly i know... but my heart so so did not want to leave.. 

I have found myself over the past year, crying alot at first.. but never having the closure..  The guilt and sorrow of me leaving her, just never settled,, This is outside my character,,

She wants to skype now and see my face, and is asking when i am getting back in town.

I feel old feelings welling up in me.. my love language, seems to be physical touch.. I told her this and the worst of everyhting was her physical abuse... the hand that used to caress me , was the hand that brought so much damage to my inner man.. 

I just long to have her take that away.. its quite embarrassing acutally to admit this.. a grown man.. just wanting to be touched by his once lover.. as if she wielded the power to take away the damage.. to be restored

I mean i have tried dating, and be with others.. but i dont give in. I feel my heart belongs to my X.  Its like i been a prisoner and just want to get out.  I get really dissapointed with myself, for feeling this way,, how in the hell with all that happend can i say that i still have romantic feelings for this woman...

Maybe it was all the walks in the park, we took together, or laying out under a tree, or going into the city and exploring, or sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean...

or scaling down the cliff to go to the waterfall and somewhat skinny dipping.. riding bycycles in the historic district of town... I mean such great times,, and romance, and she says she loves me,, i fall for her and marry her,, and poof... just like that..

I am glad i can write here,  have to be honest pouring my heart out here like this is humbling ,,but it might give a glimpse into why i might be so swayed. and teetering in my communication with her.. 

Maybe i saw too many Nicholas Sparks films...

I know i have to let go..  I dnt think she loves me the way i loved her.. and what i am capable of giving , may never be reciprocated.  I would die.. just like before, I know i poured so much of myself into that marriage...  hanging on to any morsel or affection, wondering where the woman i knew before had gone?  hoping and waiting for her return...

Im sorry to write like this,, i feel so vulnerable and emotional right now... but at the same time, freedom to express,  because all this has been locked away,, deep in my heart.. Its like the scabs are being torn away, and the infection is being cleaned out.. I can finally express how i feel in a better way. and seem more in touch with myself..

how do you move on from that.. and completely let go of all hope?  its like addmitting to youself that it was never real... and reading on these boards ,, i know i am not alone.

I know I have to let go of that dream, and see it for what it is..

thanks for hearing my heart FTF.

[bpdlover]

Don't be embarrassed to express those feelings, it takes a lot of courage. You invested in someone who was unable to return that love. It's a frightening experience to have them right there in front of us one day and gone the next. When I was getting over my ex, I dreamed of going on the picnic we always promised each other, sitting under a tree and carving our initials into it like a couple of teenagers. We shared some great fantasy conversations. It is time for both of us to let go my friend. NC is very possible and T would also be advisable. You need plenty of support.

[seeking balance]

CVA,

Loneliness and Disney endings really can make us question everything.  No need to apologize for that here.

For me, it helps when I look at the facts - the details of my recovery. 
What stage of detachment are you in currently?  Acknowledgment, Self-Inquiry, Processing, Creative Action, Freedom (see links to the right).

SB

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I mean i have tried dating, and be with others.. but i dont give in. I feel my heart belongs to my X.  Its like i been a prisoner and just want to get out.  I get really dissapointed with myself, for feeling this way,, how in the hell with all that happend can i say that i still have romantic feelings for this woman...

You were in love. We become hooked early on and usually hooked deeply before we notice the  .

You have not yet detached. where do you see yourself on the 5 steps outline to the right of this page? It takes time and longer than you think.

You still have strong feelings for your ex which is not unsual, we are all different. This is a journay not a quick sprint. It will get better in time, you will detach. Keep at the self enquiry. Talking to a therapist can keep you on the right path.

It is as it is meant to be.

You are on the road to recovery but you need to be sure to stay on this road and not get distracted by making contact as this will make your journey all the longer.

Hang in their.   
Take care of you. Keep socialising live life in the present and have some fun. 

MJJ