where were you ...

[Think About It...]

Whenever my SO can't get a hold of me, this is what i get.
Whether i am at work, home, out at the store etc, it doesn't matter to her, she wants to know where i was and what i was doing.
This is always asked very suspiciously, not curiously, she thinks i am up to no good if i am not there to answer her calls.
For eg.
Today she calls me at 10:45 at work, and says, oh your answering your phone, where were you 1/2 hr ago when i called you ( i can tell by her tone that its not just a matter of curiosity, she is digging for info to flip out on me ).
I responded with : i was in the bathroom
Her: of course, that is what you always say
Me; sometimes that is what it is

a variation :
Me ; i was away from my desk at the photocopier
Her ; oh, who was at the photocopier with you
Me; no-one
Her; BS, i will find out what your doing
Me; i was simply at the photocopier, that's it
Her; i know what your like, i have seen it before, i am sick of you embarrassing me, i will find out what your doing and i will let everyone know what kind of person you are ... moves right into full dysregulation at this point and starts to bring up all sorts of things from the past   

i know i could and should have responded differently, just lost as to what i should say, the bathroom is just one example of many instances, they are all interchangeable, i just picked this one because it just happened today. I really struggle with this, on one hand it really bugs me that she thinks so little of me to insinuate i am doing something bad and on the other hand i think, why the heck do i continue to feel the need to fully explain myself when i am doing nothing wrong

I need some advice please         

[moonunit]

Whenever my SO can't get a hold of me, this is what i get.
Whether i am at work, home, out at the store etc, it doesn't matter to her, she wants to know where i was and what i was doing.
This is always asked very suspiciously, not curiously, she thinks i am up to no good if i am not there to answer her calls.
For eg.
Today she calls me at 10:45 at work, and says, oh your answering your phone, where were you 1/2 hr ago when i called you ( i can tell by her tone that its not just a matter of curiosity, she is digging for info to flip out on me ).
I responded with : i was in the bathroom
Her: of course, that is what you always say
Me; sometimes that is what it is

a variation :
Me ; i was away from my desk at the photocopier
Her ; oh, who was at the photocopier with you
Me; no-one
Her; BS, i will find out what your doing
Me; i was simply at the photocopier, that's it
Her; i know what your like, i have seen it before, i am sick of you embarrassing me, i will find out what your doing and i will let everyone know what kind of person you are ... moves right into full dysregulation at this point and starts to bring up all sorts of things from the past   

i know i could and should have responded differently, just lost as to what i should say, the bathroom is just one example of many instances, they are all interchangeable, i just picked this one because it just happened today. I really struggle with this, on one hand it really bugs me that she thinks so little of me to insinuate i am doing something bad and on the other hand i think, why the heck do i continue to feel the need to fully explain myself when i am doing nothing wrong

I need some advice please         

[Wrongturn1]

Moonunit,

I sympathize with you on the interrogation thing (although my uBPDw does not normally flip out about one missed call/email etc.).  Maybe something along the lines of the following might be more productive in the long run:

Her: where were you?
You: i was in the bathroom
Her: of course, that is what you always say
You: [no further reply until she becomes more regulated]

a variation :
You: i was away from my desk at the photocopier
Her: oh, who was at the photocopier with you
You: no-one
Her: BS, i will find out what your doing
You: [no further reply until she becomes more regulated]

Some might advise you to validate her by saying something like, "it sounds like you are hurting because you doubt my faithfulness to you - I would feel very hurt if I believed you were not faithful to me, so I could see how feeling that way could really upset you."  Or possibly make it even wordier by using SET, but SET, or even validation seems really wordy for a text message exchange, where the replies tend to be brief.

Regarding how you continue to feel the need to fully explain yourself when you are doing nothing wrong, I can definitely relate to that.  And I think BPDs train us nons to do that to some degree with their tendency to interrogate us mercilessly and treat any lack of denial of an accusation as an admission of wrongdoing.  So its up to us nons to break the pattern and stop JADE-ing.  Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.  And always feel free to walk away from abuse.

[LostinBPDland]

...or you can try the direct approach

Her:  where were you?
You:  in the bathroom
Her:  that's what you always say
You:  What's on your mind?  Where do you think I am or what do you think I'm doing?

Listen to her response.  Most of the time it isn't about not getting a hold of you but some other unrelated issue that has triggered her insecurity.

[SmileAnyway]

It's their desire to make you feel controlled.

Mine once bought me a pager and then told me she owned my immediate response. 

I would simply say in reply: earning our living! 

And then ask what she had been up to. 

Does she always reply straight away to your calls or texts?

[moonunit]

thanks for the advice everyone.
Smile, she usually will call me back quite quickly if i call her house and she misses the call, as far as emails, usually responds right away, but there are times she doesn't for some time, i think i know where your going with this, i would like to hear more of what your thinking though.
I realize that me not answering the phone right away is just a cover for a much deeper insecurity that she has, its all quite draining at times though.   

[xeon]

Funny... "where were you and who were you with'... get that one for sure.  I know it's an insecurity/control thing for her... basically if I'm not at the house she can wonder where/who. 

[toomanyeggshells]

I always get the same question if I don't answer my phone immediately.  A number of years ago, before we started living together and things went down hill, he called me at work and I was in the ladies' room.  When I called him back, he asked me if I was out "galavanting".  I should have taken that as a   because, when I think back on it now, it was his jealousy and insecurity coming through even back then.

[SmileAnyway]

Moonunit,  Hi!  You said, you think you know where I am coming from... I'd be interested to know what you thought as often our gut feeling is trying to tell us something.

Two things really...

Accountability works two way, if she demands it from you, you have the right to expect it in turn.  Though in a healthy relationship, space and trust is sacred.  Distrust without grounds is almost betrayal.  But we aren't dealing with healthy relationships.

So this sounds like either... abandonment fear, OR

Projection

What are your thoughts?

[moonunit]

SmileAnyway, my thoughts are that there are 2 sets of rules at play - She expects me to be available at any given time and when i can't get a hold of her i should just accept it and not make a fuss.
If i can't get  a hold of her i will try later, no big deal - when she can't get a hold of me all her insecurities and fears are triggered and she starts to, in no better terms panic.
I personally think she plays stuff out in her head all the time like - if she can't get a hold of me then i must be out flirting with other women, and i just might find one who isn't as messed up as her ( she admits she has a mental problem but won't out of fear do anything to help herself ) and i will then leave her and she will be all alone. So to counter that she will keep calling over and over again and then will lash out at me when we finally do speak and put me on the defensive and temporarily regain control over the situation/me, because if she has control then i will never leave her. This is a limited comfort because as i do more for myself and by myself, this abandonment fear is triggered and the cycle repeats itself.   

[SmileAnyway]

Is she in T yet?  If she is this is something they need to explore.

I think you/we have to do your/our best to not dance with them when they are dysfunctional.

How about:

It's a shame I couldn't talk when you called
I know you worry when you can't reach me
Truth is I was ... And I am also being monitored my my employer the number of personal calls I am taking.

The above is my take on the SET tool.

If she is raging or abusive:
I refuse to be spoken to like this, I already gave you the truth.  I'm happy to carry this on when we can talk calmly and respectfully.

... Then maintain your boundary/time out.

We are NOT responsible for their crazy!

[moonunit]

SmileAnyway, my SO is not in T, she has her first session in a month, she is dreading it, she carries alot of pain around from her past and is afraid to open up old wounds.
I am fully supportive of her therapy, i think it will be very very good for her, i truely hope she gets to T and gets the help she needs.

[SmileAnyway]

Wishing you well with that, therapy is a first good step!

[FullMetal]

moonunit, I too have had that situation many many times.

I have tried many many things, even the suggestion by SmileAnway about "And I am also being monitored by my employer re: the number of personal calls I'm getting".

Truth be told, the personal calls during work was part of the reason I lost a job.  the fact that other people could hear her yelling at me through the headset was another. 

One particular night was particularly bad.  I remember the night quite well, a lot of her "demons" came out that night.  for several months I had been warning her about the night, I had to work late during an officewide deployment.  it had to be done after hours, and we needed all hands.  I wasn't even allowed to take the day off as vacation if I wanted too... anyway, as the day approached I kept telling her I was working late, probably to 9-10 pm. 

normally we got off at 4:30, and at 5:00 the calls started.   at first it was just normal how late are you going to be, etc. etc.  we couldn't start until 6, so I still had no idea, 5:30, another call, 5:45, etc.  I didn't have a cell at the time, so I couldn't answer the phone when I was away from my desk, which this task required me to be.  I'd check in every hour and there'd be 3-4 calls and voicemails getting madder and madder about why I didn't answer my phone.  asking who I was with, threatening to call my boss to "confirm her suspicions that I wasn't working"  ultimately culmonating in a "FINE GO HAVE BEERS WITH YOUR FRIENDS WHEN YOU COME HOME I WON'T BE HERE"  never had "beers with friends" come up in the conversation, nor really in my life...  so where that came from I to this day have no idea.  I was actually nearly finished at that point and told her I'd be home in about an hour and a half.  I returned home at 9:30 (dead smack between the times I thought I'd be home, so I wasn't even late from what was expected) , she was very mad, and shortly after that, I was "asked" by my employer to see a counsellor.  regarding "work-life balance" issues.  the counsellor wrote a letter to my boss stating that my work-life balance was appropriate, and suggested to me to look into BPD.   

There is definitely 2 rules in play, I have to be at her beck and call 24/7, and she can be busy.  If I'm busy, I'm not really busy, I'm hiding something, or avoiding her phone calls.  Heck, there's been times she's gone to the bar with her friends and spent the night at a friends house, and if I don't answer the phone at 3:30AM (I'm doing what most people do at 3:30 AM, sleeping.. I'm hiding something...

I didn't have a personal cell phone for 5 years... I told her it was because we couldn't afford it, but really it was because I was tired of constantly having to answer it regardless of where I was if I didn't want to get yelled at...

Therapy has helped, we're currently in MC, although it's mostly Therapy for her, with me there making sure she's going...

[moonunit]

FullMetal - i know exactly what your saying, i have a 2 day training course coming up in June, i just found out about it and i told her right away. She immediately went into a tirade, about the fact that i was going to be seeing people that i used to work with ( i am looking forward to seeing old friends ) and that all i would be doing is trying to pick up old co-workers. I know i will have to remind her of the training course at least another 5 times before i go because she will conveniently forget about it, and each time she will flip out. I thought about not telling her till a few days before, but thought she would accuse me of not telling her earlier because i was planning something with someone there, its a catch 22, i really am - damned if i do and damned if i don't.

Her reaction probably goes back to a previous training session i was on 3 yrs ago, it was for 5 days. During that time she was convinced that i was having an affair with a woman who i never had met before the training. The fights on the phone were numerous, the one night it became quite intense. I had a roomate staying in the condo with me and i didn't want him to listen to us fighting all night, so i turned my cell phone off. So she got a friend to drive her 1hr to where i was staying and she tried to get into the hotel, thank goodness security did not let her in, i told her that i was not letting her in because it was just plain crazy that she actually came there. So she called a friend and stayed at their place and then told me 2 days later that they raped her that night and that it was all my fault and that nothing would have happened if i wasn't trying to have sex with this other woman and if i had been nice enough to let her into the hotel when she was there. Still to this day she blames me for what happened to her, its unreal.         

[SmileAnyway]

Some BPD experts refer to two separate BPD characteristics ... Low functioning and high functioning, though there's no guarentee my/your partner will remain in their character all the time, but it does allow for almost opposite traits within the same condition.

My wife is most likely h/f.  So she gives the impression that it's great to get rid of me for a few days, but if I don't answer the phone or arrive earlier or later home she can be suspicious.

You are right though in their mind their work/projects are all involving, whereas me the significant breadwinner goes to work to play ? 

They also see to accuse their partners of being liars, untrustworthy... Up to badness behind their backs.

Sadly they are very poorly, they aren't bad people, just sufferers of a particularly challenging personality disorder.

[united for now]

Being on call all the time is draining. Especially if there its distrust and accusations constantly thrown at you.

Her fears are real and very overwhelming to her.
As much as you try to respond and be there for her, it never seems to be enough. She always wants more.

Finding a balance between her need for reassurance and your right to not be on call is where change needs to occur.

We are all trying to do the best that we can in tough situations. In this case, our attempts to respond to their fears doesn't make things better. It makes them worse. Here's how it works when you break it down.
Girlfriend feels scared and unsure, so she reaches out to you for reassurance. When she can't get a hold of you she starts to think the worst and panics. She doesn't know how to self soothe herself,  so until she hears from you she will escalate her behavior in an attempt to get what she wants - reassurance.

Your reassurance is like a drug. One that she needs more and more of to feel secure and safe.  It is unhealthy, in that she never learns not to panic or how to manage her own emotions. The more you give her what she wants, the more she will demand. 

Breaking this cycle will require you to change your responses to her.

It won't be easy, yet it is possible.
It starts with you...

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