He's taking a new new approach

[Think About It...]

Instead of calling or texting with everything I've ever done wrong in my whole life, uBPDx is now trying a new approach after 8 months of hell.  He is managing to calm himself down, he called last night - I didnt answer and he couldnt leave a voicemail because it is still full from a few days ago when he was midly raging.  So he started texting messages, telling me it was nice to talk to me the other day.  Also asking me to not judge him by his words but hy his heart.

Im glad he's not coming at me with the mean words right now, but it does make it easier to push him out of my life when he's like that.  I didnt respond to one thing last night.  I just don't know how long I can ignore if he keeps this up.  Of course he hasn't been able to be anywhere near nice for longer than 24 hours at a time in the last 8 months.

Any advice on how to handle?  I know it's a manipulation technique for him - this is the weekend I dont have my kids and I'm sure he wants me to come visit - he has no friends, cant get along with his family for more than a couple of hours at a time and he has no money.  haha yea i feel loved.

[GettinStronger]

Instead of calling or texting with everything I've ever done wrong in my whole life, uBPDx is now trying a new approach after 8 months of hell.  He is managing to calm himself down, he called last night - I didnt answer and he couldnt leave a voicemail because it is still full from a few days ago when he was midly raging.  So he started texting messages, telling me it was nice to talk to me the other day.  Also asking me to not judge him by his words but hy his heart.

Im glad he's not coming at me with the mean words right now, but it does make it easier to push him out of my life when he's like that.  I didnt respond to one thing last night.  I just don't know how long I can ignore if he keeps this up.  Of course he hasn't been able to be anywhere near nice for longer than 24 hours at a time in the last 8 months.

Any advice on how to handle?  I know it's a manipulation technique for him - this is the weekend I dont have my kids and I'm sure he wants me to come visit - he has no friends, cant get along with his family for more than a couple of hours at a time and he has no money.  haha yea i feel loved.

[diotima]

Hi GettinStronger,

What about just ignoring his attempts to contact you? You know the way this will play out if you have contact with him. He had this pattern before you came along and he has managed to get along. Is there some way to block his calls and texts?

Diotima

[seeking balance]

Any advice on how to handle?  I know it's a manipulation technique for him - this is the weekend I dont have my kids and I'm sure he wants me to come visit - he has no friends, cant get along with his family for more than a couple of hours at a time and he has no money.  haha yea i feel loved.

Why are you feeling responsible for his life? 

[~C]

Just remember:  pwBPD are excellent fishermen.

The words really don't matter to him.  They're just different kinds of bait.  When you don't respond, he'll switch to another.

He'll try EVERY type of bait to get you to bite.  Sweet words, mean words, and every word in between.  

The only way you'll get him to leave you alone is to swim away.  Ignore the bait completely.

His fishing isn't about you at all.  Those sweet words sound nice...but they are hollow.  Empty.  Think of a worm on a hook...does the fisherman even care about the worm?  Nope.  He's looking to catch a fish (get a response) to make HIMSELF fell better.  He's looking for narcissistic supply.

It might be time to change you number.  So you don't feel like you HAVE to rise to the bait.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[nonbpd]

It might be time to change you number.  So you don't feel like you HAVE to rise to the bait.
[/quote]
Hmm...sorry but I was thinking exactely about the same thing! Why don't you change your number? Isn't it because you like just knowing he tryes? If you do, beware, it will be hell when he stops!

Take care!

[GettinStronger]

I have gone back and forth with changing my number.  When I don't hear from him, those are the really good days.  Not changing the number is partly me being stubborn - it's my number - i have him blocked, but he gets google voice numbers and gets around it until I block that number.  I have 3 children with teachers, coaches, girlscout leaders, friends, family, work who all have this number.  Why should I have to rearrange my life, go out of my way one last time for this person who cannot respect my request for him to not contact me?  Another reason is knowing when I change my number he is going to drive 2 hours to me and show up somewhere - at a place where I will be alone or won't expect it - we were together for so long he knows all of our schedules.  I try to drive a different way home everyday as it is.  he did manage to not call me for 4 days in a row, it allowed me to grieve the r/s...a step that I don't feel I've been allowed to do with his constant attempts at contact.  I was sad, but knew this is where it has to be.  I can't begin to heal until I get through the grieving process, instead I'm constantly on alert if he is going to find another way around being blocked or show up or call my friends...I just want to get on with my life and get through this hell. 

[Sabine]

~C is right. It's just different bait.

It's incredibly difficult to start the "Five Stages of Detachment" if we still read the messages or have any contact with them. It stirs up the emotional pot, good or bad. We start to focus back on their needs and not our own...

What do you think would happen if he showed up somewhere? Do you think he'd harm you? Can you say to him face-to-face not to come near you and that it's over?

In an ideal situation, what would make you okay?

[GettinStronger]

Sabine-

Wow I wouldn't have thought that question of "what would make you ok" would be such a tough one.  I haven't been "ok" in a long time.  I believe what it would take is for him to go NC with me.  He always threatened that he would have to make himself hate me in order to stay away from me.  As if painting me black and telling me everything i have ever done wrong in his eyes isn't hating me .  I'm sure I'd wonder how he was doing, wonder if he ever became not BPD (as if...) But I think I would then be able to move forward.  He has shown up and in the beginning I would stop and talk to him (he would catch up with me in his car on my route home from work) The last time he tried to get me to pull over I wouldn't - so he pulled in front of me at a red light and stopped traffic when he got out of his car to talk to me and plead with me to pull over - i locked my door and rolled the window up and called home and he could hear me tell them if i wasn't home in 10 minutes I would call the police.  That's when I started taking different ways home.  I fear now that if i do stop and talk to him that I'll cave and end up promising to try again, just to make him stop.  I did tell him on the phone the other day that I'm done I can't and won't go back down that road with him again.  At the beginning of the end I told him I wasn't going to have anything to do with him unless he got professional help for his problems. (He doesn't think he has any problems -  he thinks he's just an a**hole and I'm supposed to be ok with that.)

He has made me stay longer talking to him then I have wanted, not allowing me to leave - even putting me in some sort of hold from behind and then popping my jaw (accidentally of course, if i had not been fighting him it never would have happend - whatever)  - i'm 5'5" 135lbs - he's 6'3 and 230 lbs.

As I type this i can hear my cellphone tinging with txt message after txt message so I imagine he's decided it's time to talk again.  I'm going to do everything in my power not to read them and get sucked into his world.

I am afraid of what I know he's capable of...and I can hear the desparation in his voice - he has told me before he has nothing to lose while I have everything to lose . 

[Sabine]

I only have a second online rt now. But HE is not your responsibility. You don't owe him anything. You are only responsible for you and your children. He is an outsider wanting in. It is too bad. Also, telling him you will only deal w him if he seeks treatment is just leaving the door open... Make a pact with yourself to give yourealf a chance to heal... Yes? You can do it, you have absolutely nothing to loose. 

[LoveNYC]

Holy crap, GS.

This is NOT okay and NOT normal. This is extreme and insane and dangerous for your whole family. What are you waiting for? A tragedy?

Please, please give VERY REAL consideration to a Restraining Order. I didn't realize it was this bad - this is a serious situation that will only escalate.

Please don't wait until it's too late.

Please go to the police.

 

[GlennT]

You must realize you don't need him to have a life..you need to remove yourself from him to have a life...and after you get it all back..another better relationship is a bonus. Don't go there hon..nice gets you hurt..finish it up...and no more nice...if you crack the door,,he'll kick it in.

[GettinStronger]

Our whole lives we are taught to be nice....  It's worked for me in every other aspect of my life and even with  my ex-normal-husband.  We are very good friends (that's what keeps me grounded that I'm not the whole problem in this last r/s)  I have tried to be nice throughout this, as much as I can - I realize i now have "fleas" and can turn on a dime with my xBPDbf, but still have "nice" at the center of my core - I would never say things as hateful and mean as he does.

I am strongly considering the restraining order, I just know here in Kentucky there are certain guidelines that have to be met and I will have to stand and face him in court.

Good news - the text messages were from a girlfriend in a crisis last night and not him.

[Sabine]

I am strongly considering the restraining order, I just know here in Kentucky there are certain guidelines that have to be met and I will have to stand and face him in court.

GettinStronger,

You are being mean to yourself by not getting a restraining order.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi GS,

I just have to say how alarming it was to read your post above, about the behavior of your ex. The way he stalks you, harasses you, uses physical force, and makes odd threats.

I actually fear for your safety, I must say. I don't know you or your ex, but this situation sounds risky. And you have kids.

I'd get a restraining order on him immediately. He does not have the right to stalk you. He is not acting normally at all, and it's creepy. I would not put anything past him, based on what you've said. Once he grasps that it's really over, it could get much much worse.

I hope you'll do what you need to do to keep yourself and your kids safe from him. What a crazy...