He came to see me

[Think About It...]

It's been a little more then 2 months and my ex showed up at my door. I never saw this happening. I should have sent him away, but he looked like something bad had happened and asked if he could speak to me. He proceeded to say how sorry he was for everything,  professed his love for me and how he lost me and he knew it. He wasn't asking for me back, although he would love that. He said he did want his best friend back. He was on his knees. We ended up doing a lot of talking and he told me how his girlfriend was on a business trip and he wanted to move out. That she had hit on him and was all over other men when they went out. How they fought and broke up constantly. I was so not strong and found myself feeling bad for him. He said he wanted to do right and go back to church. He wanted to try to repair things with his family. (All was lost because of his choice to be with this woman) So he went and moved out and called to tell me it was done. I told him I really didn't believe he was leaving, but he kept assuring me. He sent me the text messages that told her he moved out and how she said okay thats fine. Good luck! I really wish you well. I didn't see you sticking around that long anyways. But then she wouldn't stop texting and began taunting him. She had lost her car in her divorce and was using his. He was in love with her children and took care of them. I told him she was using him and when she returned and saw him gone for real she would do anything to get him back. He disagreed. He said they break up every week and she is never the one to have him come back. Then he calls me today and says she came back last night and no doubt so he moved everything out and called him and says she feels she is pregnant. She knows the feeling and has gained 10lbs. He said she promised to change and not be mean or abusive. He said he believes she means it and he's going to stay with her. He was just telling me that while he knew it was a lost cause he wanted more then anything to marry me right this second and be the family we should have been. Now this!  More then anything I felt so frustrated that he's taking her word for everything. It seems odd she waits until the day he's officially gone to mention being pregnant. Also he said she's been with soo  many men...she could be a cheater too. His parents do not even want to speak to him now...I feel so sorry for them. He's done with me. He said if she ends up abusing him, he will stick it out. He's hurt so many people he deserves it. I feel like I've been beat over the head. My head is spinning. In someways I guess this is the proof I needed that he's not stable and that I truly dodged a bullet! But I have a huge heart and I feel so sad that he's thrown so much away and will accept a crappy life at such a young age. But you can't reason with them. I tried so hard.

[Butterfly78]

It's been a little more then 2 months and my ex showed up at my door. I never saw this happening. I should have sent him away, but he looked like something bad had happened and asked if he could speak to me. He proceeded to say how sorry he was for everything,  professed his love for me and how he lost me and he knew it. He wasn't asking for me back, although he would love that. He said he did want his best friend back. He was on his knees. We ended up doing a lot of talking and he told me how his girlfriend was on a business trip and he wanted to move out. That she had hit on him and was all over other men when they went out. How they fought and broke up constantly. I was so not strong and found myself feeling bad for him. He said he wanted to do right and go back to church. He wanted to try to repair things with his family. (All was lost because of his choice to be with this woman) So he went and moved out and called to tell me it was done. I told him I really didn't believe he was leaving, but he kept assuring me. He sent me the text messages that told her he moved out and how she said okay thats fine. Good luck! I really wish you well. I didn't see you sticking around that long anyways. But then she wouldn't stop texting and began taunting him. She had lost her car in her divorce and was using his. He was in love with her children and took care of them. I told him she was using him and when she returned and saw him gone for real she would do anything to get him back. He disagreed. He said they break up every week and she is never the one to have him come back. Then he calls me today and says she came back last night and no doubt so he moved everything out and called him and says she feels she is pregnant. She knows the feeling and has gained 10lbs. He said she promised to change and not be mean or abusive. He said he believes she means it and he's going to stay with her. He was just telling me that while he knew it was a lost cause he wanted more then anything to marry me right this second and be the family we should have been. Now this!  More then anything I felt so frustrated that he's taking her word for everything. It seems odd she waits until the day he's officially gone to mention being pregnant. Also he said she's been with soo  many men...she could be a cheater too. His parents do not even want to speak to him now...I feel so sorry for them. He's done with me. He said if she ends up abusing him, he will stick it out. He's hurt so many people he deserves it. I feel like I've been beat over the head. My head is spinning. In someways I guess this is the proof I needed that he's not stable and that I truly dodged a bullet! But I have a huge heart and I feel so sad that he's thrown so much away and will accept a crappy life at such a young age. But you can't reason with them. I tried so hard.

[turtle]

So he just decided to throw all of this up on YOU?

Bleh.  You're right.  You can't reason with the unreasonable.

Are you going NC now?

turtle

[goinbonkers]

it seems like he has a lot of work to do on himself and the last place he needs to be is in a relationship with another woman.  oh well.  he made his own bed...  please do not make his wellness your responsibility because it is all his.

i do feel for you.  

feel what you need to feel.

he most likely needs a lot of help.

[Butterfly78]

Yeah, looking back he did throw it all on me. He said I deserved answers and of course in the heat of the moment I was asking things. None of it did me any good. I'm all he had here and I even said that, your back because I'm all thats left. But he begged and pleaded not to feel that way. I'm just too fresh into this and it all took over me. I lost a friend 2 weeks ago so Ive been in a sad state anyways.

I know he made his bed and he kept saying that is why he stayed away because he felt he should lie in it. He's always had a way of accepting responsibility and allowing people to say whatever they need too and somehow you end up feeling he's sincere. I just hate seeing people suffer and hurt especially when you see they need help. I know I can't make someone get help though. It all just hurts so much. I was so in love with this man.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[GreenMango]

Sorry...He said he did want his best friend back...his girlfriend is on a business trip...moving out while she's away...she feels she is pregnant... I feel like I've been beat over the head. My head is spinning.

I would feel like my head was spinning too.  This is all too much for a friend to "dump" onto you.

Please look at his pattern above.  People that are capable of healthy relationships, whether friend or lover, don't do these things like this.

He wants you to save him.  But from this one exposure to his "crazy" you are already spinning.  What would a lifetime of this be like and can this person even offer you a friendship?  What good would letting him back in do you?

Take care of yourself first Butterfly  ,
GM

[MCC503764]

So he just decided to throw all of this up on YOU?

Bleh.  You're right.  You can't reason with the unreasonable.

Are you going NC now?

turtle

The fact that he would come back and tell you all of this is a BIG  |>!
There's absolutley nothing wrong for having a big heart and feeling sorry for him, but can we say KARMA?

If you were to take him back, what would happen when he gets back on his feet?  If his x lures him back?  These are questions that you must ask yourself, because it is likely to happen.  And then where will you be yet again?  (I speak from experience,) so my best advice to you is to set a firm boundary with him, reinforce the fact that the two of you are NOT together.  I would wish him well, but you must be firm and tell him that you've moved on with your life!  You cannot set yourself up to be used as his emotional revolving door, nor be the one that he runs to when HE needs something!  This is selfish on his part, and you should NOT allow yourself to be treated like this!

We can LOVE these people with all of our heart, but we must remember that it didn't work for a reason!  There is NO excuse for him to treat you like this, and you must make that point clear!

MCC

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello My Friend:

It appears to me that you are not asked to be his friend, rather you are asked to be his psychologist/counselor, Priest-Confessor, Mother-figure, Guidance counselor and Life coach -- all in one.

This is a hard role for anyone to fulfill to either party's expectation and satisfaction.  Don't be surprised if you are painted black again just because it is not in your ability to rise up to this role...it is not in ANYONE's skill-set to do so.

So, there is a strong possibility that you may end up with enormous guilt simply because you CANNOT make his life happy...even though that life is not with you anymore.

Again, the responsibility of his happiness is being transferred to you.

Please be kind to yourself and also to him by gently disengaging yourself from such long emotionally draining conversations.  This is not selfishness.  This is kindness because otherwise he will stay under the impression that you can provide him with a magical antidote to his unhappiness...when in reality, that antidote is only in him and within him, if he would seek it diligently, persistently and under the guidance of trained clinicians.

It is not friends he needs at this moment, it is trained clinical intervention.

Please go LC out of compassion.

[Butterfly78]

Thank you all for your comments.

We are done speaking. He went back to her today and said he made his choice. Just yesterday he said he wanted to marry me, but would settle for friends if thats all I would ever give him but if by miracle I'd take him back he'd do it right now. He said he should have married me before all of this happened. I knew with our conversations though he couldn't let go of her either and all it took was this to suck him back. My mind was telling me this him being desperate, but my heart was feeling another way. So I feel like I fell back and I cringe that I hugged him, let him in the house and let him hold what was "our" dog and bunny. He didn't deserve that. He got his goodbyes and to know how much I cared and he goes back. I feel like he took what little power I thought I had gained. I am not speaking to him anymore and now that she's watching over his shoulder monitoring everything (she makes him keep GPS on his phone at all times) he will not contact me.

[GreenMango]

Maybe it's enough to know this man is emotionally dangerous for you and therefore unacceptable to you?

GM

[MCC503764]

Thank you all for your comments.

We are done speaking. He went back to her today and said he made his choice. Just yesterday he said he wanted to marry me, but would settle for friends if thats all I would ever give him but if by miracle I'd take him back he'd do it right now. He said he should have married me before all of this happened. I knew with our conversations though he couldn't let go of her either and all it took was this to suck him back. My mind was telling me this him being desperate, but my heart was feeling another way. So I feel like I fell back and I cringe that I hugged him, let him in the house and let him hold what was "our" dog and bunny. He didn't deserve that. He got his goodbyes and to know how much I cared and he goes back. I feel like he took what little power I thought I had gained. I am not speaking to him anymore and now that she's watching over his shoulder monitoring everything (she makes him keep GPS on his phone at all times) he will not contact me.

I'm sorry to hear the end to your story.  I pretty much predicted the ending in my previous post.  Trust me, I know how devaluating it feels...these people only come to you and say everything that will make your heart bleed.  Once they bait the hook, we bite, and they got us!

I also think they like to put out "feelers," to see if we are still available?  Since they cannot be alone, they need to make sure that they have an adequate supply...It's harsh, but it's real and it's unfortunately the bitter truth!

NC, take it a day at a time, understand it, process it, feel your pain, and then learn to love yourself and take care of yourself again!

Good Luck!

MCC

[Butterfly78]

Maybe it's enough to know this man is emotionally dangerous for you and therefore unacceptable to you?

GM

Yes it really helped to see what he's about. Since he left so quickly and he's never gave me any answers, I always wondered about things. Now I see everything as it is and it really does disgust me. He pulled at my heart strings the past few days, but seeing how quickly he ran back, yeah he's absolutely no good.

[Butterfly78]

MCC-

It's true! They come back and make your heart bleed. He kept saying though the more he thought about how I would never take him back or if I did never trust him what was there for him. So I guess he sees this is all he can get now...so why put me through more hell? Ugh.

I'm getting back to NC, I see my therapist tomorrow and hopefully seeing how he just hurt me all over again will really help me detach more.

[GlennT]

no therapy
no meds
the BPD rollercoaster will never stop to let off passengers
you must feel like crap getting run over again by the BPD bus.
hopefully next time when he puts it in reverse, you will roll out of the way as soon as you hear the beep beep beep and call the police if he comes over uninvited again.

[Butterfly78]

The ride they take you on is crazy. I will never allow him into my life again. Even though so many said they come back, I didn't think mine would. I know now nothing good comes of speaking to or seeing them.

[Sabine]

The ride they take you on is crazy. I will never allow him into my life again. Even though so many said they come back, I didn't think mine would. I know now nothing good comes of speaking to or seeing them.

You need to remember this...save this thread so you can read it and as time goes by you will look at it with disgust by putting all that crap on you! So predictable that he came to see you in the first place, right?

Please stay NC and let us know how you're doing!  

[goinbonkers]

The ride they take you on is crazy. I will never allow him into my life again. Even though so many said they come back, I didn't think mine would. I know now nothing good comes of speaking to or seeing them.

Simply note that actions speak louder than words.    Talk is cheap and easy to say.

[the_way_back]

My ex has done a similar thing to me twice. Only to go back to her lover. The fact is, once they "other person" is entrenched and part of the scenery, they won't be going away. The pwBPD just can't let them go away.

In both recycle attempts, the only boundary I set that i refused to move on her was her being in contact with him. They don't have children together etc so I saw no need for him to keep up contact. he wouldn't leave her alone, and she caved both times and just wouldn't leave him alone. And she went back to him on both occasions. Although on the first occasion her route back to him was via a guy she'd already cheated on me with 4 years ago.

Ultimately, you just become part of a reserve supply. It's no way to live. And they always do it when you seem to be moving on.

My situation differs in many ways from yours Butterfly78, but the sentiment is the same. And the heartache I felt both times would be the same as yours. Balled up with frustration. I always feel so humiliated for letting her do this. But they can be so convincing.

Bottom line is, I don't think he'll ever be happy with this other woman. As I know mine isn't with her lover. He may try again in the future but be strong and learn the lesson. It will and always will, end up with you feeling hurt and heartbroken.
Each recycle attempt is an opportunity for you to galvanise yourself. Be strong! Be good to you and remember that his well being is not under your control.

[Butterfly78]

So many said that he would be back and try to recycle me, but I just didn't see it happening from how he ended things. I can't believe I got sucked into all of this. Now I'm looking back and seeing strange things that I didn't even stop and look at because I was so emotional. The second time talking to him about things I started feeling more angry and he actually kept saying, lets stop. Yesterday we made progress. I can't believe I ignored that comment. Also I was crying about all I had been through from the way he left. I said I've only had a journal to express my feelings. He asked if he could read it and when I said no, he said Please I'd like to see it. How dare he! Ugh...he played me so bad.

[Sabine]

Hi Butterfly,

How are you doing with NC after your visit with him? I know you were very upset and are now just remembering some of the things that were said, that's understandable. They can really push our buttons and throw us off. That's why we stay NC so that we can let the FOG lift and see things clearer and for what they are.

Honestly, I still have my moments, when I start feeling guilty for leaving him and I sometimes have to rely on my anger to pull me out of it. I have every right to be angry at how I was treated but I don't want to hold on to it forever...just use it when I need to I guess.

 

[Butterfly78]

Hi Sabine,

I have remained no contact. I have no desire to speak to him after he pulled at my heart to just leave again. He said he made his choice to go back to her and he will be there for his baby (if there is a baby) so I'm completely done. I am struggling between anger and even guilt. It's like you don't know what to believe. He went through a lot of trouble to move out, got his parents involved and that is what made me think he was telling some truth, but maybe him coming back to me was just trying to ease his concious. I can't believe what these people do to our minds and our feelings. It has taken some of my friends reminding me of what I went through (stopped eating, got sick, having to take medication) while he didn't show any concern or remorse. He said the whole time it was killing him, yet he made no attempt to contact me. He said he couldn't because of her, but you can do anything you put your mind too. Once again she promises to give him what he wants and he will busy  himself with her and her kids and I'm left feeling like I just got beat over the head.