He came to see me

[Think About It...]

Hi Butterfly,

Yeah, it sounds like he's pulling you into a triangulation (read definition). Best not to play..at all.

You have a fresh start now. You know how he triggers you and you know how to step away. Now you get to focus on you, your needs, your wants, your life!

Did you or do you see a T? If so, have you discussed this last "visit" your ex pulled on you? Might be a good idea, it was very intrusive of your ex.

Just be good to yourself, eat, get rest, walks, journaling and writing to us is great!  

[Sabine]

Hi Butterfly,

Yeah, it sounds like he's pulling you into a triangulation (read definition). Best not to play..at all.

You have a fresh start now. You know how he triggers you and you know how to step away. Now you get to focus on you, your needs, your wants, your life!

Did you or do you see a T? If so, have you discussed this last "visit" your ex pulled on you? Might be a good idea, it was very intrusive of your ex.

Just be good to yourself, eat, get rest, walks, journaling and writing to us is great!  

[Butterfly78]

I do have a therapist and discussed this with her yesterday. She is the one who introduced me to the whole BPD. She firmly believes this is what he has even though he's not diagnosed. She did help me appreciate that you can't put the pieces of the puzzle together and come up with a picture. It's crazy making. Talking to all of you here is so helpful. I have supportive friends, but they don't really know all I have been through with this. Trying to explain his crazy behavior just embarrasses me that I was ever involved, but all of this seemed to switch on the last few months and by then I had fallen so in love. I was married once before and thought my divorce was hard, but this is by far the most emotionally painful thing I've been through.

[goinbonkers]

I do have a therapist and discussed this with her yesterday. She is the one who introduced me to the whole BPD. She firmly believes this is what he has even though he's not diagnosed. She did help me appreciate that you can't put the pieces of the puzzle together and come up with a picture. It's crazy making. Talking to all of you here is so helpful. I have supportive friends, but they don't really know all I have been through with this. Trying to explain his crazy behavior just embarrasses me that I was ever involved, but all of this seemed to switch on the last few months and by then I had fallen so in love. I was married once before and thought my divorce was hard, but this is by far the most emotionally painful thing I've been through.

Yes it is one of the hardest things for me also.  I do feel for you.

I have completely refused to talk to anyone not familiar with BPD about any of this because they just don't understand and will just think that you are stupid and/or crazy yourself.  My counselor and this board are the only two places I can talk to people about this.

[Sabine]

I do have a therapist and discussed this with her yesterday. She is the one who introduced me to the whole BPD. She firmly believes this is what he has even though he's not diagnosed. She did help me appreciate that you can't put the pieces of the puzzle together and come up with a picture. It's crazy making. Talking to all of you here is so helpful. I have supportive friends, but they don't really know all I have been through with this. Trying to explain his crazy behavior just embarrasses me that I was ever involved, but all of this seemed to switch on the last few months and by then I had fallen so in love. I was married once before and thought my divorce was hard, but this is by far the most emotionally painful thing I've been through.

That's really good you got to talk to her yesterday. (I might have missed that in an earlier post of yours, sorry)

I stopped talking about the craziness and my feelings of my r/s with xBPDbf to my friends and family too. He's not diagnosed either and I had a lot of learning to do. I got that here. The emotions, push/pull, chaos, verbal abuse, love/hate, etc. with someone w/ BPD is not something one can understand unless you've been through it! I was in such shock when I first learned about BPD and that he had a lot of the traits. 

I think you have a great head start to healing from all this...it does get better...hang in there you're doing a great job, I applaud! 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Butterfly78]

Logically I see everything he's done to me and him coming back was just so messed up... but I can't get over that guilty feeling that I made him feel hopeless and stuck with this kind of woman. I told him I can't see a woman knowing his past with cheating wanting to start a r/s with him. He seemed to take that to heart and then started saying maybe this woman is who he deserves to be with, that he's evil, he's done nothing but hurt people maybe it's time he feels the hurt. If she hurts him or hits him, its the bed he's made. I can't ever tell what is real! This keeps playing in my head. But then again, I was trying to be helpful and supportive with him leaving and I did talk about us possibly being friends again if he did indeed straighten up his life so even with him saying he would do anything to have that again, he still left so I guess it wouldn't matter what you do.

[pallavirajsinghani]

He has accomplished what he came for.  To occupy your attention, your energy, your time, your mind, your thoughts.

This is the time, the energy, the mind strength, the thoughts you could have been spending on your own personal welfare.  However, that would mean that you would seek out a more healthy relationship and thus you will not be recyclable anymore.  So this has left you open and vulnerable in case he needs to recycle you.

You need to decide whether you wish to be available as the brown bag available and in easy reach for his vomit.

If you do not like to be the brown bag of another person's vomit, then seek counseling if you have to, in order to continue walking the path of healing.

My analogy is deliberately meant to be strong and repulsive.  It is really what your role has become as far as he is concerned.  To hold the vomit of his dysregulated emotions and life.  This type of recyclable availability may also holding him back from seeking recovery for himself.  He knows that as long as the brown bags are available, he does not need to seek the bathroom out.

Sometimes, the only way to make a person go to the bathroom (i.e. seek appropriate clinical intervention) is NOT to make the brown bags available.

So ask yourself:  Are you helping him?  Are you helping yourself? 

[Sabine]

Logically I see everything he's done to me and him coming back was just so messed up... but I can't get over that guilty feeling that I made him feel hopeless and stuck with this kind of woman. I told him I can't see a woman knowing his past with cheating wanting to start a r/s with him. He seemed to take that to heart and then started saying maybe this woman is who he deserves to be with, that he's evil, he's done nothing but hurt people maybe it's time he feels the hurt. If she hurts him or hits him, its the bed he's made. I can't ever tell what is real! This keeps playing in my head. But then again, I was trying to be helpful and supportive with him leaving and I did talk about us possibly being friends again if he did indeed straighten up his life so even with him saying he would do anything to have that again, he still left so I guess it wouldn't matter what you do.

Butterfly, What about you? pallavirajsinghani is 100% right. We know it's difficult, and we understand the hooks they can keep in us if we let them. Yes, there will be pain as you try to heal and get healthy nobody said it was going to be easy...the guilt is the FearObligationGuilt (FOG) you have to give yourself space and time away from him and his manipulation for it to even begin to lift. Of course it's ultimately up to you on whether you want to live in his world or your own, but I hope you give yourself a fighting chance and really let go... 

[Butterfly78]

You are right, I'm always worrying about the well-being of others even while I'm hurting. I will think about and do for myself for a while, but somehow the focus always goes to him and I need to stop this. My health has suffered greatly. I have never had a me kind of attitude so it feels unnatural to put myself first.

I guess I have to remember I did nothing to cause him to leave like this. He did not rage and we got along very well. I treated him so well...his needs were always put before mine. He just left. When he came back the other day he even said I want you to know that you did nothing to make me leave! So this mess he has created has nothing at all to do with me. Nothing I could have ever said would have changed it.

[Mauser]

Butterfly, the big thing that raisedred-flag  to me, is how much of a victim he appears to be. He does have the "woe is me" story down pat. How much of this is really true? Or is he just painting her black?  If I read your post correctly, he broke up with you, moved in with her, and is already moving out... in just two months?  If she's that horrible, why is he hanging around with her? Inquiring minds want to know. She "feels" pregnant?  Maybe a pregnancy test would be in order? You can get them at the dollar store. I've "felt" pregnant many times.  I'd question the rationale of a man who hates a r/s, but moves back in without even a pregnancy test. Just saying.

Not that you have the answers to any of this... but I've just seen the same sob story here before. Please don't take his words as reality.

*If he loved you, he would be with you.
*If he dislikes her, he should get rid of her, regardless of whether or not he has a "safety net" (= you)
*If he wanted to get healthy, he would get on meds or in therapy, regardless of his romantic partner.

If you have chosen to not be involved with him, please don't get sucked into his drama. 

[Butterfly78]

Butterfly, the big thing that raisedred-flag  to me, is how much of a victim he appears to be. He does have the "woe is me" story down pat. How much of this is really true? Or is he just painting her black?  If I read your post correctly, he broke up with you, moved in with her, and is already moving out... in just two months?  If she's that horrible, why is he hanging around with her? Inquiring minds want to know. She "feels" pregnant?   Maybe a pregnancy test would be in order? You can get them at the dollar store. I've "felt" pregnant many times.  I'd question the rationale of a man who hates a r/s, but moves back in without even a pregnancy test. Just saying.

Not that you have the answers to any of this... but I've just seen the same sob story here before. Please don't take his words as reality.

*If he loved you, he would be with you.
*If he dislikes her, he should get rid of her, regardless of whether or not he has a "safety net" (= you)
*If he wanted to get healthy, he would get on meds or in therapy, regardless of his romantic partner.

If you have chosen to not be involved with him, please don't get sucked into his drama.  

You are absolutely right. He has quite the story. He showed me the messages between them. She talks about them having a physical fight. They way they went back and forth they clearly are dysfunctional, but who knows about the rest. She sure had a lot of mean things to say about me! so apparently he has had things to say. Yeah, the day she returned home and saw he really left she calls and says she thinks shes pregnant and he agrees to go back with her. Thats what I said about the test...you don't even want to check first? No, he was looking for an excuse to go back, one that makes it look like he has no choice. I just thought of something small he said, but makes me realize he was really working on my emotions. I am an animal lover. I've worked at a vet, done wildlife rehab...he knows how I feel. While he's crying he says and she even hates animals! She didn't even want me speaking of the bunny we had to her children. Funny in her text messages...shes a cop and shes says oh guess what, the chief says I am going to get canine soon. Would someone who hates animals that bad be excited to be a K9 cop since they have to be so close. Hmmmm...It's something small, but I see how he was going for things that would get me upset.

Also he was on medication the whole time he was with me. He just stopped taking it. He said she hates people who takes medications but I also know he quit because of sexual dysfunction. He's got to be working for her! She made the comment in her texts that she's sorry she steered him away from his medication.

[Sabine]

Hi Butterfly,

I think you just need to decide and take the action. I think you are being 'played' one more time and he's keeping you attached, or rather you are keeping you attached...

Also, check this link out and you'll have a better idea of what he's up to.

Karpman Triangle Resource Thread
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Remember Butterfly, he's not well. Do you want to be with someone who is emotionally incapable of giving you what you want  or what you deserve? You don't have to ever go back or sit on the sidelines wondering what more YOU can do for HIM.

Right?  

[Butterfly78]

Hi Butterfly,

I think you just need to decide and take the action. I think you are being 'played' one more time and he's keeping you attached, or rather you are keeping you attached...

Also, check this link out and you'll have a better idea of what he's up to.

Karpman Triangle Resource Thread
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Remember Butterfly, he's not well. Do you want to be with someone who is emotionally incapable of giving you what you want  or what you deserve? You don't have to ever go back or sit on the sidelines wondering what more YOU can do for HIM.

Right?  

Thanks for sharing that link. NO I want nothing to do with him anymore. This second attempt to suck me in let me see things even more clearly. I've been saying to myself, this man is like a poisonous snake! I want to stay clear of that. I'm thankful I got away! Should he ever come back around again when his life falls apart even more, I will not even listen. If he really loved me the way he even claims he does now he would have never got involved with someone else. Plain and simple. Like I told him, you don't leave me and the next week trip and fall into cheating. You had to decide to make the choices you did. His excuse is always he never meant for this to happen.

Of course I'm still going through hurt and trying to get over all of the betrayal, but there is no part of me that longs to have our relationship back. I know I deserve better and healthier. Dealing with being alone now is probably the hardest part and this is now my problem and I have to figure out how to make peace with it.

[Sabine]

Hi Butterfly,

Good for you... Yes, it will hurt but it will hurt far less than staying with someone who cannot give you what you deserve. I went back to my ex, it lasted 4 more months and during those 4 months I literally had such anxiety because I knew it was the wrong thing to do! I didn't give the break up enough of a chance, I didn't give myself enough of a chance. We were broken up for 2 months. I found out (on accident) that when we were broken up for the 2 months...he had slept with his previous gf. He said it was a rebound thing b/c I had broken his heart so badly. You see? he wanted to blame me for his actions. True BPD. He didn't stand a chance with me. I would much rather have my 'normal' life back to myself then to be stuck in a rut with him.

I had a choice, you have a choice - write him off, lesson learned, bare the pain and regain your joy.  

[Butterfly78]

Hi Sabine,

I don't think I need to worry about him being a problem. He confirmed today she is pregnant and he is giving up his apartment (which is an awesome place for the price) to move in with her. He wrote me to ask if I would like to take the apartment. Yeah, it would be a sweet deal, but no thankyou. I did go out tonight with friends and did pretty well not thinking of him too much. His email tonight when I got home felt like another punch, but each time I think I'm getting stronger. The damage is done and no point crying over it because it is what it is. I just keep telling myself down the road he's going to be stuck with a child, probably a single dad when she dumps him and major finanical responsibilities. BUT I hope to be in a better place.  Sometimes I feel sad thata I only have my dog and bunny here at home with me, but there is peace and unconditional love . No more worrying if someone cares or running around behind my back.

[Sabine]

Hi Butterfly,

I like your new painted puppy pic.

Okay then...you've got a lot of information and you're willing to give the break up a chance. BIG THUMBS UP on not taking his old apartment! Omg, can you imagine? It may seem like a sweet deal, but eh, no, no, no...

Those emails will always feel like a punch, whamo! That's what staying in contact does. NC means not to even read the emails. I've struggled with this too. He'd send me these real tear jerkers, because they were written from his manipulative 'nice' side. I learned from people on this board that the only way for me to detach and move forward was not to read anything he sent...So far so good.

You just keep focusing on you, don't worry what he's up to...
Hang in there...