feeling hurt... again

[Think About It...]

I haven't posted in a long time.
My person with BPD was not a boyfriend, but felt like one. He made every excuse to stay with me for 3 months (orginally planned as a week visit). I adamantly asked him to leave several times. I stopped when it got to the point of where I would have to change locks or call police. I couldn't do it.

He has been staying with me off and on for two years, always overstaying his original planned amount of time. I understand I am co-dependent.

He is in Germany now for a month or two. He wouldn't have gotten there without my loving support. Again, my choice to do that. And not a good choice, I admit.

The problem is--he felt like a boyfriend and many people assumed we were a couple. He hugged me, held my hand as we walked through stores, cuddled with me on many evenings, gave me a kiss on the lips here and there. We had a sexual relationship briefly.

The problem--I wanted and needed a boyfriend in my life and took all the above as signs that we were a couple. He would never go there verbally. Despite his actions.
We were using each other, apparently. If he had wanted a relationship, I would have been there with him. So I pretended it was one, for my heart. But it wasn't.

We email daily and he calls me "darlin'". I asked him his plans and he wants to stay in europe for a year but will come visit here. I inappropriately felt very hurt that he doesn't plan to come back and get an apt here, even if he travels. He has not been able to have a stable place to live and is homeless but has money.

He has boxes of stuff here that I don't have room for. and his mail comes here. I said that needs to change this summer when he visits.

He knows I was upset by his plans to stay in europe. here's the clincher. he says, "but it's not like i abandoned you or you were dumped."  Actually, it is. I invested a lot in him. My choice, I know. And he stayed here and we lived our days together for at least 6 months of this past year and were significant others to each other the other 6 months. but that doesn't add up to anything for him.

i knew all this but it felt too good at the time. sigh.

Now he is angry at me and being defensive. I should put his interests first, he says--i should want him to have the life he deserves and not put himself second or third or last.  He can't see that you can have a person in your life and still put yourself first.

i know i can't change him.  i have a big job to do with detaching and it ain't gonna be easy.  any advice?

this is hard!

[anna58]

I haven't posted in a long time.
My person with BPD was not a boyfriend, but felt like one. He made every excuse to stay with me for 3 months (orginally planned as a week visit). I adamantly asked him to leave several times. I stopped when it got to the point of where I would have to change locks or call police. I couldn't do it.

He has been staying with me off and on for two years, always overstaying his original planned amount of time. I understand I am co-dependent.

He is in Germany now for a month or two. He wouldn't have gotten there without my loving support. Again, my choice to do that. And not a good choice, I admit.

The problem is--he felt like a boyfriend and many people assumed we were a couple. He hugged me, held my hand as we walked through stores, cuddled with me on many evenings, gave me a kiss on the lips here and there. We had a sexual relationship briefly.

The problem--I wanted and needed a boyfriend in my life and took all the above as signs that we were a couple. He would never go there verbally. Despite his actions.
We were using each other, apparently. If he had wanted a relationship, I would have been there with him. So I pretended it was one, for my heart. But it wasn't.

We email daily and he calls me "darlin'". I asked him his plans and he wants to stay in europe for a year but will come visit here. I inappropriately felt very hurt that he doesn't plan to come back and get an apt here, even if he travels. He has not been able to have a stable place to live and is homeless but has money.

He has boxes of stuff here that I don't have room for. and his mail comes here. I said that needs to change this summer when he visits.

He knows I was upset by his plans to stay in europe. here's the clincher. he says, "but it's not like i abandoned you or you were dumped."  Actually, it is. I invested a lot in him. My choice, I know. And he stayed here and we lived our days together for at least 6 months of this past year and were significant others to each other the other 6 months. but that doesn't add up to anything for him.

i knew all this but it felt too good at the time. sigh.

Now he is angry at me and being defensive. I should put his interests first, he says--i should want him to have the life he deserves and not put himself second or third or last.  He can't see that you can have a person in your life and still put yourself first.

i know i can't change him.  i have a big job to do with detaching and it ain't gonna be easy.  any advice?

this is hard!

[goinbonkers]

yeah that does sound sucky.  sorry you had to go through all of that.  i do feel your pain. 

the bad thing about if it seems too good to be true is that its probably not true.  been there myself. 

too good to be true = 

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