Mr INSANE loves me - I thought we broke up

[Think About It...]

I want to move far away from this planet! My ex-unstable narcissistic boyfriend sends me a message, calls me using an unknown phone nr, claiming he is symptomfree, sober, nice, kind etc. and wants us to be a normal couple/family!

WHAT?

He was never normal! Now he says he has realized what I have been through, wants us to re-live the romance, he claims he is not drinking or dating anybody, he is just thinking of how much he lost after we broke up.

Why all this drama again? Is this what they do?

[O'Maria]

I want to move far away from this planet! My ex-unstable narcissistic boyfriend sends me a message, calls me using an unknown phone nr, claiming he is symptomfree, sober, nice, kind etc. and wants us to be a normal couple/family!

WHAT?

He was never normal! Now he says he has realized what I have been through, wants us to re-live the romance, he claims he is not drinking or dating anybody, he is just thinking of how much he lost after we broke up.

Why all this drama again? Is this what they do?

[bpdlover]

It seems so doesn't it. Are there any other planets for lease? Let's look into that. How do you feel after him making contact again? Are you committed to staying NC? Otherwise, you are right about the drama.

[Zaza42]

Eww, do they ever give up?

[suzn]

How do you feel after him making contact again? 

Good question. You sound angry. How did you cope with this?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[O'Maria]

I might sound angry, it's the old memories...our relationship started with excitement, energy and fun and it ended with so much emotional pain. I know so much about BPD, I have seen a therapist who said this man has severe issues but he is not doing the right things to get cured. I also read a couple of books about Narcissistic behavior, he is a true example of the people described in the book, cold, selfish, abusive.

No empathy for others, but when he needs attention it must be there in a second. He never helped me with any major things in life, he is definitely not a family man, his fun & toys come first. I have saved a couple of really nasty voicemails from him for months to help me heal. My therapist said that his chronic drinking has contributed to the instability. I cannot make him sober. Now he claims he is focused on his job and his financial success, but he never paid any of my bills! In addition to that he called me a loser for not making enough money.

He blocked my number a few times after he wanted to "date other people", so I was really surprised he wanted to talk to an "old friend=me".

[bpdlover]

The memories I have of my ex are tainted by the way she abused me. They are not worth our time. My ex was so cruel and in turn, unaware of that cruelty because it was all about her. She has gotten away with two RO's that should never have been served, not to mention discarding people one after the other, leaving them in shock with PTSD, questioning their own sanity. I just won't allow her any amount of my time. It would be too unfair to myself. Keep your resolve and don't let him play with you like a toy. Nothing good will come of it.

[O'Maria]

Bpdlover,

You are so right, nothing good can follow after so many cruel comments. It was not until I moved away to a different city (could not run into him by accident) that I realized how much abuse I have been through. My therapist and this board helped a lot too. My therapist said that people who live in an abusive environment get used to it after a while, and the whole idea is to make you feel weak, defenseless, worthless so the abuse can continue. No normal person would ever allow it. Now it's my time to find a guy who can be both masculine and emotionally balanced. And that man is not him. I can't believe I fell for him, now I can clearly tell he is a liar, using and hurting people.

[bpdlover]

Maybe it was to fill a void in me but I wanted to be the one to show her that love is action and can be built on trust and respect. I found my way to it after years in the dark. Every time I made a joke, I lacked respect and every time I was gone due to her strange break ups, I apparently betrayed her trust. She and her supporting cast of actors (her family), only know the abusive way and she labels sanity, insane. I think we need to remind ourselves that rescue is not love, we have a better purpose which is to be in equal partnership with someone who is emotionally balanced as you mentioned. I can't believe I fell for her O'Maria. Stay strong.

[suzn]

I might sound angry, it's the old memories...

I understand your angry.    Anyone would be. How did you handle your anger in this situation?

[O'Maria]

I was more sad than angry, realizing that there are people out there who dont feel empathy and who cant love for real. The abusive culture they adapt is destructive, and they dont care.

[O'Maria]

One more thing, it's Friday night, and I think mr Insane used another phone number to call me tonight while I was at the movies. Nothing good comes out of this, but at least I FEEL I DONT WANT TO TALK TO HIM. That's a victory, I don't need his nasty comments, cruel behavior, name calling, raging and all the rest. I am sitting at home now listening to music and I feel fine. Without him. What would have happened if I had married him? (He wanted to get married only 3 months into the relationship=complete madness).

[bpdlover]

That doesn't surprise me. Marrying someone after only three months would not have been a good move. Love is no game. I was out with my ex once and her mobile was switched on for once. She had several calls from the "other guy" and then switched her phone to silent. I asked her to take the calls and be accountable, but she wouldn't. She then told me she was using him as a decoy which was odd. She broke up with me hours later, then was back a week or so later. It's a destructive roller-coaster you can do without. NC is sanity.

[O'Maria]

We broke up so many times with Mr.Insanity, he threw me out, he took the keys away and tried to control what I do, what I say etc., he destroyed my belongings, he told me "were done" several times, he told me he wanted to date somebody else...

I feel he is trying to prevent me from finding happiness when he is uncapable of loving another person. I am still healing emotionally. One thing I know for sure: if I stay away from him, I get my energy back!

[suzn]

I feel he is trying to prevent me from finding happiness when he is uncapable of loving another person. 

He has no control over this. As you said you are still healing emotionally. Once you are father down the road in your recovery your thoughts won't be so consumed by him. You are the only one that can control your thoughts. Happy, sad, indifferent...

Also in your control..legal action may be needed to get him to stop harrassing you. The sooner he stops, the sooner you will be able redirect your thoughts away from him.

[O'Maria]

I think he wants to contact me whenever his new relationship doesnt work, he requires a lot of attention, he is a recovering alcoholic, he is easily irritated and dysregulated.

[bpdlover]

I think Suzn has it right. Once you are further along, you will be able to make clearer decisions. It seems that situations like that stay around until one person or both, move on and try for some closure. If you set some clear boundaries and stick to them, he will eventually get the message. Sounds too exhausting.

[purelove]

I keep telling myself to give time, some time!
I think once your able to calm your mind and refocus!
You will be much better! Every day that goes by, it seems to be much better for me!
Pretty much what everybody else has said. Suzn has a great point, we are the ones who control our thoughts...Let's be happy life is too short! God Bless.

[O'Maria]

My counselor explained to me that Mr Insane is somebody with a lot of narcissistic features, incapable of feeling empathy or love for anybody else. Some people just can't feel love, its just a word, not a real feeling, cause they are emotionally ill. Money becomes important as a superficial value, but people come and go, it's easy to dump a partner/lover so all relationships usually end after a few months. These are the ones on dating sites, continuously looking for new adventures and excitement. Even when they are in a relationship they will still call themselves "available" and single.

Good advice: Look at the relationship history, expecially if youre dating somebody who is supposed to have learned something. My ex was already in his 40s and he had been married once, engaged three times, had a bad temper and loved to talk about his money and achievements. He also had a weak explanation to why previous relationships didnt work, and he didnt want to touch the subject. He didnt want me to talk to any of his friends or family to learn about his true colors.

Last weekend I had a nice time with a couple of friends, and I am hopeful now, looks like there are some Normal, Sane guys out there...Hmm...but I am still burnt, talking it easy.

[bpdlover]

Hang with the NC. There are plenty of good sorts out there and in time you will meet one. Take some time to be good to you after an experience like this.

[yoshitx]

I was in the same sort of mess until I realized that I can control the situation by simply doing what my mother told me to to do in preschool :  Ignore the bully.