How "Final" is divorce to a pwBPD?

[Think About It...]

I'm moving along with the divorce. Things have got heated between the ex and I with her proclaiming she "wants it done". I do too. And I'll be infinitely more relieved than she will once the divorce is through. She can't divorce herself right?

She has attempted to recycle our relationship twice. It's only a matter of weeks ago since she last attempted to get me to sleep with her, proclaiming that "you should be doing your husbandly duty!". She does have a lover! And I can't remember the last time she actually acted like she is my wife!

I've always thought that once the divorce is done and final that that will be it. No going back. However, from reading around here it seems that may not be the case. We have young children together which, as far as they are concerned, keeps some sort of sentimental bond in place.

Should I be expecting further re/engagement, recylce attempts?

[the_way_back]

I'm moving along with the divorce. Things have got heated between the ex and I with her proclaiming she "wants it done". I do too. And I'll be infinitely more relieved than she will once the divorce is through. She can't divorce herself right?

She has attempted to recycle our relationship twice. It's only a matter of weeks ago since she last attempted to get me to sleep with her, proclaiming that "you should be doing your husbandly duty!". She does have a lover! And I can't remember the last time she actually acted like she is my wife!

I've always thought that once the divorce is done and final that that will be it. No going back. However, from reading around here it seems that may not be the case. We have young children together which, as far as they are concerned, keeps some sort of sentimental bond in place.

Should I be expecting further re/engagement, recylce attempts?

[LoveNYC]

Yup!

And that's the least of your worries. Have you read the "Co-Parenting with BPD" board? It's full of useful information.

[the_way_back]

Yea I have. I'm trying as best I can. It's like trying to co-parent with a toddler.

However, I think I may have found a temporary solution. In trying to go LC/NC, all it has done is inflame things and made her worse. She get's extremely obstructive and controlling.

So, I spoke with her mum last night. Whenever I speak with her mother I get accused of being manipulative. And I'm not sure how much I can trust her mum. I've always sort of got on with her, and they know as well as I do, how their daughter can be. I'd really like to think I can trust her parents because I've always liked them. So I asked her mum if she wouldn't mind, for the time being acting as an intermediary. Just for communications sake. That way, when the ex feels like being controlling and abusive, she has to present it to her mother before it's passed on to me. Which won't work 

I slept so well last night. Just knowing that avenue of communication is now cut off makes me feel so much better.

[Stinger]

It's been 2 years, since my BPD ex-wife admitted to an affair, 1 1/2 years since divorce was final.  She is still as big as a pain as ever.  They will always be in your life if you have children with then, just like I do.

You can't co-parent with them.  I have tried so many times, and they agree to co-parent and then go off and do what they want to do anyway.  Just be a good parent and try to stay away from your ex. 

Example of how you can't get away from them:  My ex kept the house, and I moved out.  I moved 10miles away.  Far enough so we didn't have to see each other, but close enough if my kids need me, I'm there in 10 minutes.  She sold the house and moved 800 feet from me.  They are like a booger on your finger.  Flick as hard as you want, you just can't get rid of them.

Try to go LC/NC as much as you can.  Only discuss things about the kids.  If she bring up ANYTHING else, just politely excuse yourself and walk away.  Just worry about you and your kids.  Your divorced, she isn't your problem anymore.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[the_way_back]

Hey Stinger

Thanks for the advice. It's what I'm learning to do. Did your ex try and recycle at all after the divorce was final?

I've got it in my head that while we're married she sees it as legit and will try. But once divorced it's off the table permanently. But from reading around I'm stunned at the amount of divorced "nons" that get further recycle attempts post divorce.

I just wanna be prepared. It always seems to happen when it seems less likely, if you get what I mean.

[SWLSR]

I am also working on a divorce.  I can not tell you what will happen next but I can tell you what I have seen.  She wanted to divorce says she never loved me, ect.  I begged to stay she ran away from me further.  Then I found out there was somebody else.  Stopped trying to save marriage.  Filed papers against her, she tries to talk me into firing my lawyer.  She has tried to stop mediation hearings.  The only thing I can say is that if you want to stop the divorce start puching it through.  My guess is you both may end of divocred and remarried and she will still be trying to recycle you. 

[beyondbelief]

It is hard to generalize every situation and person is different.  It is possible she will try to reengage you post divorce but it certainly isn't guaranteed.  Truthfully it doesn't matter much as you have the power.

She cannot force you to be involved with her beyond what is needed on child care issues.  What you do with your power to say NO is up to you.