Still day to day

[Think About It...]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a few weeks since I've posted on here, not sure how long, things have been a blur lately. I just wanted to come on here and say hello to everyone, and thank everyone for all of your support. I am still NC with my ex fiance wBPD. Mainly because she has not contacted me, and I have no way of contacting her at all, and I haven't gone to her mom's house where she now lives. I still miss her kids terribly, and I miss her seemingly more and more everyday.
     I'm not crying as much as I was. I still cry, I still have momentary breakdowns, but it's getting better. I'm starting to let go of her in my heart. That was the hardest thing to realize, that I needed to let go of her in my heart. I can't get better until I fall out of love with her. Of course, being the good codependant that I am, I am terrified of falling out of love with her. All I have left of her and the kids are memories and what's in my heart. I don't want to be out of love with her.
     So for those of you that are gamers, you will appreciate this. I made a rather large purchase for myself. I bought a brand new Alienware gaming PC just for the launch of Diablo 3. I have been a huge fan of Diablo 2 since that launched 12 years ago. So this sequel has been greatly anticipated by me. This game is taking up a lot of the space that my ex used to rent inside my head. Yes, she still rents space there but it's better.
So I guess I want everyone to know that I'm a little better. I'm not great, but I am not crying in the featl position everyday anymore. And this new game is really keeping me occupied.

[jjk0614]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a few weeks since I've posted on here, not sure how long, things have been a blur lately. I just wanted to come on here and say hello to everyone, and thank everyone for all of your support. I am still NC with my ex fiance wBPD. Mainly because she has not contacted me, and I have no way of contacting her at all, and I haven't gone to her mom's house where she now lives. I still miss her kids terribly, and I miss her seemingly more and more everyday.
     I'm not crying as much as I was. I still cry, I still have momentary breakdowns, but it's getting better. I'm starting to let go of her in my heart. That was the hardest thing to realize, that I needed to let go of her in my heart. I can't get better until I fall out of love with her. Of course, being the good codependant that I am, I am terrified of falling out of love with her. All I have left of her and the kids are memories and what's in my heart. I don't want to be out of love with her.
     So for those of you that are gamers, you will appreciate this. I made a rather large purchase for myself. I bought a brand new Alienware gaming PC just for the launch of Diablo 3. I have been a huge fan of Diablo 2 since that launched 12 years ago. So this sequel has been greatly anticipated by me. This game is taking up a lot of the space that my ex used to rent inside my head. Yes, she still rents space there but it's better.
So I guess I want everyone to know that I'm a little better. I'm not great, but I am not crying in the featl position everyday anymore. And this new game is really keeping me occupied.

[LoveNYC]

Yay!

So happy to hear, I was wonderin how and where you've been.

Glad to hear you're headed in the right direction. Feels good to do something nice for yourself, right?

[redfeather]

jjk0614,
Also glad to hear again from you! Glad to hear you are making some progress with  letting go. Letting go of the pain doesnt mean we dont love and or care for our ex pwBPD it just means that at this time  we have to let go. Really letting go for me was of a fairytale in my head based on her words.
because in the end her ACTIONS didnt back her words in the least. No contact allows me to heal. I hear about mine from others and she is doing the very same thing she did to me to this new flavor of the month...
Keep putting you energy into whatever makes you happy. Try not to ruminate on her or the kids..Just focus on you.  

[abovebeyond]

Awesome! I knew you'd get a to see a piece of the light sooner or later. 

"I don't want to be out of love with her." - your quote. I can relate to that. A lot.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[SHolloway]

Hi jjk0614,
I've been following your story and am glad to hear that you are doing better, I was worried for you.  I wanted to mention something that's been helpful to me in my healing.  In the letting go in my healing process, I've accepted that I don't need to force myself to fall out of love with my ex, when our feelings are genuine like ours that's impossible.  That's what sets us apart from people with these disorders, our feelings are real, theirs cannot be sustained.  What I've let go of is the idea that he is meant for me.  He's not.  I was not treated fairly, none of us here were treated fairly or kind, so I've accepted that he is not the one for me and that I deserve something much more extraordinary.  I too tried very hard to tell myself I had to fall out of love immediately because obvioiusly he is no good for me.  Once I allowed myself to not feel that way, to accept that I still love him flaws and all, I was able to let go of the correct issues that needed my acceptance...that he is not a healthy person, that I deserve something real next time, that this door closed for a reason, to save me.  

I hope that you continue to find your peace.  

[dageaux]

my ex used to rent inside my head. Yes, she still rents space

Hey jjk!

Better for that space to be rented than to be owned! Glad to hear from you again and that you have found a distraction. I have always wanted an Alienware computer. At 51 I still play all the first person shooters I can get my hands on. Time, time ,time. It always goes slow at these times. I'm glad you are getting btr. Keep at it and continued good luck to you and to all of us who have and are suffering thru these difficult times.

[jjk0614]

Wow, every post from everyone here continues to amaze me. I'm still not used to anyone caring about how I feel and what I'm going through. My whole relationship with my ex was about how she feels and what she is going through. I'd like to throw something else out to everyone that is on my mind. My little brother got engaged two days after I got engaged to my ex wBPD. My little brother's wedding is June 9. I am not looking forward to this day and I feel so terrible about that. My ex and My little brothers fiance did a lot of planning together in the early stages because we all got engaged the same week. We were even supposed to get married the same month. Obviously that didn't work out, but I am attending this wedding alone now. I am one of the groomsmen and I am dreading the day. I know how I'm going to feel. The whole entire day is going to be a constant reminder of what I don't have anymore. I can feel myself starting to tear up now, as I type about what that day is going to be like. So I figured I could just get drunk but that's not the answer. Does anyone have any thoughts on this, and suggestions perhaps. I won't be on until later tonight but I would really like some help with this. I don't want to feel miserable all day. It's my little bro's day and I love him dearly, so I'm hoping I'm much better by then. Also to consider, my original Tokyo trip for work was postponed, so now I'll be in tokyo from 5/26 to 6/8. I literally fly back home the day before the wedding. so I'm hoping...no I'mc counting on this trip being life changing and healthy for4 me

[redfeather]

jjko164,
For the upcoming wedding could you maybe touch base with your brother beforehand and give him a heads up on how you are feeling about his big day? Then in the meantime focus more on getting outside and in the sun exercising leave the booze alone for now. That is not going to help. When my Dad got killed young my heart was broken in two. I never cried so much in my life. But my mother was even worse. So for those first few days after he was killed I made it about her. I didnt bury my grief but she was so much worse off than I. And I am not suggesting you bury your pain as this day has enormous emotional importance for you. But make it about your brother's happiness if you can. 
Abd yes isnt it amzing how virtual strangers come together to care about other humans in their time of need? However long that lasts with the attendant tears? Take good care and get outside in the sun after you finsih playing your awesome game! Hi!

[jjk0614]

So today got much much worse. My ex fiance wBPD has two children 8 and 3 that are by two different father's. Her son who is 3 has a Dad that was fighting constantly with her all the time an making her life miserable. According to her. He is a very different "type" than me. I am more the corporate dressing, fine red wine type, he is more the gangster type. But he is what would be called a "hardbody" Not an ounce of fat on him. Always with his shirt off, things like that. I would go with her to drop her son off and he would be outside flexing or doing something to show his body off. Now I'm not fat, but I did put on 30 pounds from eating her home cooked meals everyday for two years. Since she left I have dropped those 30 pounds and a few more so I am actually at a great weight right now. So today I got a text from her son's father. It was a few pics of him with her again, kissing, and some other lewd things. My heart sank. I can't believe she is back with him. I always used to ask her if she still wanted him because he looks better than me. She would always say has she has no respect for him because he does drugs, lives in his mom's basement, and can't hold a job or support a famly. I bought into that. So this is absolutely crushing me today to see these pics. Why would she have them sent to me...why is she still hurting me? I'm just trying to get better here...and seeing those pics brought back all the times I used to ask her about him. I hear her telling me that she loves me and that even if her and I didn't make it, she would never go back to him...that he disgusts her...and yet here she is, sleeping with him...allowing pics to be taken and then sent to me by his phone. She wouldn't want me to have her number so she knows I already have his from being with her for two years, so that's why they were sent from her phone. I'm feel like I"m back to square one today. Very very depressed. Obsessed again with thoughts of her and trying to analyze why after 3 months, she would hurt me so badly again. I didn't need to know she was with him. I didn't know he was my replacement. I wish I didn't know. The tears are back, the fetal position is back, my anxiety is out of control today. Ugh and I have my daughter so it's so unfair to her. Can someone please help me to understand why she would do this to me? I don't understand why...I'm not reaching out to her, I have no way too, I'm just here, broken and trying to heal

[oletimefeelin]

That's insanely cruel.  I'm disgusted.  I know you are rightfully devastated, but hope soon this will make you realize that this woman was wrong for you.  You deserve so much better.

I suspect this will hurt for a while, but ultimately be a catalyst for further healing.  It will be about accepting her for how mentally ill she is. 

[LoveNYC]

She's intentionally trying to make you jealous.

She probably told him all sorts of terrible lies about you, and is triangulating (read definition) you and him.

Beware: I suspect you'll hear from her soon in another way.

Have this latest act be proof YO you that she is an empty, sick freak. Stay your distance.

[TryingtobeReal]

J -
Delete the photos.  Know that their r/s will not last. 

Most importantly, know that you deserve sooooo much more than this.  She consciously made a decision to send those photos to hurt you.  You deserve to be loved and respected.   Loved and respected by yourself and by the people you choose to be in your world.

Sending you hugs,
T

[rooftop]

So today got much much worse. My ex fiance wBPD has two children 8 and 3 that are by two different father's. Her son who is 3 has a Dad that was fighting constantly with her all the time an making her life miserable. According to her. He is a very different "type" than me. I am more the corporate dressing, fine red wine type, he is more the gangster type. But he is what would be called a "hardbody" Not an ounce of fat on him. Always with his shirt off, things like that. I would go with her to drop her son off and he would be outside flexing or doing something to show his body off. Now I'm not fat, but I did put on 30 pounds from eating her home cooked meals everyday for two years. Since she left I have dropped those 30 pounds and a few more so I am actually at a great weight right now. So today I got a text from her son's father. It was a few pics of him with her again, kissing, and some other lewd things. My heart sank. I can't believe she is back with him. I always used to ask her if she still wanted him because he looks better than me. She would always say has she has no respect for him because he does drugs, lives in his mom's basement, and can't hold a job or support a famly. I bought into that. So this is absolutely crushing me today to see these pics. Why would she have them sent to me...why is she still hurting me? I'm just trying to get better here...and seeing those pics brought back all the times I used to ask her about him. I hear her telling me that she loves me and that even if her and I didn't make it, she would never go back to him...that he disgusts her...and yet here she is, sleeping with him...allowing pics to be taken and then sent to me by his phone. She wouldn't want me to have her number so she knows I already have his from being with her for two years, so that's why they were sent from her phone. I'm feel like I"m back to square one today. Very very depressed. Obsessed again with thoughts of her and trying to analyze why after 3 months, she would hurt me so badly again. I didn't need to know she was with him. I didn't know he was my replacement. I wish I didn't know. The tears are back, the fetal position is back, my anxiety is out of control today. Ugh and I have my daughter so it's so unfair to her. Can someone please help me to understand why she would do this to me? I don't understand why...I'm not reaching out to her, I have no way too, I'm just here, broken and trying to heal

JJK- i really feel for youas you sound like a recent decent loving man 
DO NOT respond to that txt with the pics at allcosts..she is a very cruel and mixed up woman who is trying to make you jealous and you KNOW that it wont last..but ask yourself this...Would you honestly want this woman back in your life? I think you know the answer to that?..Be there for your daughter, stay strong and look after YOU as you are worth it and before too long an amazing woman will enter your world and make a great life with you and your daughter..the ex will be a sad memory and the Ex will remain in her desperate & cruel state..
Be well, and look after yourself..she is not worth it mate..You are far better than that..

   
Rooftop

[mscj]

Hey jjk,

Maybe it is time to block all avenues of access that she might have to you.  It is incredibly hard to go on with healing when you have someone creating fresh wounds and opening old ones.  

She is clearly not the sort of person that one would knowingly allow into one's life.  You now see who she is in 3D not just in a filmy fantasy way.  This is a part of the whole person that she is.  If you had seen all the sides of her before you allowed yourself to feel for her, would you have chosen her?  

It is normal to be grieving.  The difficulty is that the object of the grief is still alive and able to come back and haunt you in a very real way.  Your job is to block all avenues that she might use to haunt you.  

It is perfectly okay to do this.

We all give you permission to protect yourself from further abuse.  

mscj

[Slowlybutsurely]

JJK:

Okay, so... you now have undeniable, incontrovertible, patently clear and impossible to ignore evidence that the woman you were with and still love is a mean-spirited, selfish, utterly undignified, completely lacking in character person. What she did would be awful for a horribly behaved 14 year old. She went out of her way to hurt you in the most childish and selfish manner.

I know you are still reeling from this and in pain, but what she did--as others have said--might be what you need to put her behind you for good.

Good people don't do what she did. Can you imagine doing that to someone, just to hurt them? I can't. No one here would do that. And that's because we are decent people. She is not.

Block her crazy *SS from ever contacting you again.

[rooftop]

JJK:

Okay, so... you now have undeniable, incontrovertible, patently clear and impossible to ignore evidence that the woman you were with and still love is a mean-spirited, selfish, utterly undignified, completely lacking in character person. What she did would be awful for a horribly behaved 14 year old. She went out of her way to hurt you in the most childish and selfish manner.

I know you are still reeling from this and in pain, but what she did--as others have said--might be what you need to put her behind you for good.

Good people don't do what she did. Can you imagine doing that to someone, just to hurt them? I can't. No one here would do that. And that's because we are decent people. She is not.

Block her crazy *SS from ever contacting you again.

SBS- I will 2nd your thoughts 100% and then some! ..I thought my exBPDgf was a cruel btch, which she is, but JJK your ex takes the cake...eliminate her from your life for GOOD!

My 2c worth.

RT

[jjk0614]

I'm going to change my number today. This really as set me back so much. I feel awful this morning. My first thought as I opened my eyes were those pics. I have already deleted them but it doesn't matter, for they are forever burned into my brain. I'm crying a lot already today. I don't know why this is happening. why does it even hurt anymore? It's been 3 months, I should be over her already, I should have hatred for a woman like this. But I don't, I still ache for her and love her and her kids so much. I miss them all terribly. What the hell is wrong with me?

[dageaux]

jjk

Please for the love of all that's holy in this world, come to the conclusion that it is not you!It's her and all her. You need to avoid any and all potential contact. All of it. Let's say she shoots you an email or a text. The worse thing you could do is read them. The temptation is grandiose. We all have that in common (among other things). That would another step backwards. Getting out of a r/s with a person with BPD is alot harder than if both people were mentally stable. It's not a linear thing at all. For example...look at any country's stock market. It didn't go from zero to 13000 (or whatever number you have in mind) in a straight shot. There are so many peaks and valleys (positive ups and negative downs). This, my friend, is what you are going thru. But you will eventually get to that higher mark. I had a major setback and a minor one in the last 10 weeks. Sucks to say the least. Play your computer games, get on some medication for the short haul and love that daughter of yours to death. You have made progress. Acknowledge it. Live it and love it. This will take time. Keep posting here. Read about others situations. Stay strong and stay persistent in NC. Waiting to hear from you again!

[Icecreamgenius]

Hey Buddy,

I haven't posted on here for a while - After about 8 months of NC with my ex, I am still a little bit in no mans land.

But i AM feeling better, although some nights like tonight, I have real difficulty sleeping.

Congrats on your progress so far. It does get easier. I am also an alienware user, and am going to pick up Diablo 3 this week. SWTOR has been a welcome distraction so far.

PM me, and I'll let you have my details for Diablo co-op

Best wishes

[jjk0614]

Ok So I'm feeling a bit better today. Still woke up this morning and had some anxiety, but this whole thing that my ex has done to me is really eating at me. Perhaps this is the catalyst that I needed to be able to finally "want" her out of my life and not just having to deal with not having her here anymore. Does that make sense? I have never been more angry at another human being in my entire life. What she did with those pics and then having her ex send them to me (or maybe she just sent them herself I dunno and it doesn't matter) has really changed my outlook of my ex. I truly feel that she is dead to me know. This was such a terrible, vindictive, manipulative thing to do to me. The only purpose was to hurt me, well, it did, a lot in fact. It's the fact that these pics were with her son's dad, the ex that I always felt she still wanted to sleep with, the ex that looks way better than I do, the ex that I was told...by her...completely disgusts her, and no matter what was to happen with us, she would never go back to him because he is not a Man, and cannot even take care of himself let alone the son they have together. To know that she went out of her way and made a conscious decision to send those pics to me makes me want to puke. She actually goes to church...she does stuff like this and then goes to church? I mean, why bother...I don't know...but I do know that I am angry today. Very very angry...I've deleted the pics, changed my number and I truly never want to hear from anyone in her life or from her ever again. Now, what scares me is htat she is going to try to make contact with me again. I believe sednding those pics could be a sign that she is thinking of me again and since I have not attemtpted to reach out in 2.5 months, she may feel that I am moving on...this would terrify her...she always knows that JJK will be right here...if that is threatened...well...you all know what I'm saying...I'm afraid she is going to try to reach out...I need the strenght to push her away...I need help with that