Staying supportive when you just want to run away

[Think About It...]

How do you stay supportive when you just want to run away? My BPD H is almost always in a crisis or a foul mood. It's almost constant when I'm at home, and at work, I always have to have my phone on to take multiple calls/texts throughout the day. I have so little to say and he says so much, and it's so negative.

I know that being silent or trying to avoid him is only going to make things worse, but so much of the time, all I want to do is run away and not deal with the negativity. I have a hard time being sincere, and I feel so bad about that. Yet I have a hard time getting away, and I'm scared to tell him I don't want to talk because that will trigger him.

What do you all do in this situation?

[lookingahead]

How do you stay supportive when you just want to run away? My BPD H is almost always in a crisis or a foul mood. It's almost constant when I'm at home, and at work, I always have to have my phone on to take multiple calls/texts throughout the day. I have so little to say and he says so much, and it's so negative.

I know that being silent or trying to avoid him is only going to make things worse, but so much of the time, all I want to do is run away and not deal with the negativity. I have a hard time being sincere, and I feel so bad about that. Yet I have a hard time getting away, and I'm scared to tell him I don't want to talk because that will trigger him.

What do you all do in this situation?

[sotiredtoonice]

Very good question lookingahead   My H is the same way, negative all the time and I am a generally happy go lucky type of person, it is super frustrating!

[momtario]

How do you stay supportive when you just want to run away? My BPD H is almost always in a crisis or a foul mood. It's almost constant when I'm at home, and at work, I always have to have my phone on to take multiple calls/texts throughout the day. I have so little to say and he says so much, and it's so negative.

You do not have to take these calls. Why are you choosing to take them?

I know that being silent or trying to avoid him is only going to make things worse, but so much of the time, all I want to do is run away and not deal with the negativity. I have a hard time being sincere, and I feel so bad about that. Yet I have a hard time getting away, and I'm scared to tell him I don't want to talk because that will trigger him.

It will make things worse- at that exact moment. Read the lessons to the right of this page, starting with the ones about boundaries and extinction bursts. It will get worse before it gets better, but if you stick to your guns, it will get better eventually.

What do you all do in this situation?

  lookingahead. It's a lot to take in, and your questions are very good ones that I think we all had when we first got here. Try saying something like "I can't talk right now, and I won't be taking any more calls for the rest of the day. We can discuss this when I get home from work."

Then, it is very important to follow through, and not give intermittent reinforcement, by answering the calls randomly. If you need strength, imagine what a day at work could be, without one of his crisis calls.

Take Care

[needbpdhelp]

Hi lookingahead,

Has he been diagnosed, or just seems to be BPD/bipolar?

There are many lessons on this site about how to deal with these situations.

Communicating without causing a bad reaction is a very common problem. One of the tools we use is called SET - Support, Empathy, Truth. This sequence calms the other person, and leads up to your truthful statement of the problem gradually, so they are less likely to be triggered:

S- I know your hurting and have problems dear, and I really want to be here for you.

E - I understand why you feel so terrible about... and I feel terrible about...

T - I need you to understand that I have my own set of daily responsibilities/issues, and I need time alone to deal with them. Please help me out here. Can we set a time aside after work to share these important things, so I can concentrate on things I need to take care of during the day?
Truthfully, I am getting overwhelmed and really need more time to myself. Please understand that I love you very much, but if I don't take care of my own needs and issues I won't be much help to you.

Good luck, and study the lessons. They really help.

needBPDhelp

[Raychel]

When he starts to talk negative, change the subject to a lighter topic. Get his mind off of what is making him so angry.  My husband has BPD and is also very negative. That is what I have done and it seems to work. Don't forget, you have to take care of yourself too. Go for a walk, do something you enjoy.

[Tiredbuttrying]

Lookingahead,
I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth!  My husband's illness is so severe that he's off work and preparing to retire from the military.  He is here constantly.  I work part-time at my own business, and the 6 hours I'm there 2 days/week are filled with texts, calls, and surprise drop-ins from him.  I try to go for a walk or jog and he's right there with me saying we need time together.  I go to the grocery store - he comes. And everything else in between is filled with him lamenting on how hard his illness is and how much anguish he's in.  He cornered me last night for over an hour - our toddler was forced to entertain himself because my husband wouldn't allow me to even step away to tend to our son.  When he's like that it's very tense and intense.  I even commented to him that I felt very down and hoped the negativity could stop because it was only bringing me down with him.  That started a whole new wave of him telling me how I don't understand how horrible it is to be him and how he battles his own thoughts constantly.  There is no peace in our home.  No rest, no relaxation.  He's at his therapist right now - and spent 15 minutes trying to make me come with him because we "need time together".  I'm so grateful for this hour and a half at home alone with my son with just peace.

[Peace4ME]

Lookingahead & TiredbuttTrying,

Do each of you have your own T? Not only does it help us with our own depression and anxiety from being with a pwBPD but its an hour a week away from that person, and a time to focus on ourselves and our own feelings.
Now I'm certainly no expert yet, but it sounds like you could both benefit from some boundary setting. Like MTO said, not doing what the pwBPD wants or insists can make that moment difficult, but it will begin to make your life more manageable. I used to let my BPDbf's emotions control my life, but even making small steps from the lessons on these boards have helped. Changing the way you react (or don't react) to their demands can be shocking to them for a while, because its something they aren't used to. But for me, once we got over the hump, I felt that my bf had more respect for me and I had more respect for myself. It doesn't mean that everything is fine and dandy, but I feel more in control.

[Dynamic]

Lookingahead & TiredbuttTrying,
I can relate to the frustration of putting up with the clinging behavior of pwBPD. I especially hate it when my h works from home. The long weekends are especially challenging. Sometimes he would work from home on a Friday. If Monday is a holiday, then that's 4 days with him. Last week, I went to the library & our place of worship. I did ask him to come along, but he didn't want to come. Later he told me that I have places to go & he does not have any place to go as though the library & place of worship were off limits for him. If I suggest that we watch a movie/program together, he would be so picky & will not watch a movie of my choice. If I agree to watch a movie of his choice, he will lose interest or keep changing channels. Very rarely we get to watch a movie together without any tension. If I want to talk with him, he will be using his cell phone or iPad & half listen or not listen at all to what I have to say. If I insist that he put his gadgets away, he will be amused & repeat it again. If I insist on setting a boundary, he would look for a way to do the opposite. Then he would say that we are not doing anything together. What do I do?

[Tiredbuttrying]

I'm actually starting with my own therapist at the BPD center this week.  My husband is very upset about that - he's sure the therapist is going to tell me I need to leave him (he knows his behavior is wrong and hard to live with yet doesn't seem to be able to stop).  I'm trying to figure out where to set these boundaries.  It's 3:45 am and I'm awake because of the biggest boundary - sex.  We've had sex once in two years.  I was doing other sexual favors for H and really resenting him for that, so recently we've agreed to step back and build a healthy relationship that will lead to a healthy sex life. But tonight that wasn't good enough.  He wanted sex.  Wanted me to do it whether I wanted it or not.  I stayed calm and reminded him of our long term goals for a healthy sex life based on the right reasons.  He became very passive aggressive - said he was sexually frustrated and couldn't sleep, so said he was going driving. Yet mysteriously couldn't find his keys, so from 12 to 3 am he tore the house apart looking for his keys.  Banging, slamming, lights on, etc.  And he'd come into the bedroom and say "I'm sorry I'm making noise I don't mean to - I just need my keys".  He unplugged my alarm clock - I guess so I wouldn't wake up to go on a bike ride I've been really looking forward to.  So am I doing the right thing here?  Holding my ground regardless of the hell he puts me through?  Obviously this type of behavior gets us farther away from the respect, trust and attraction that I need for a healthy sex life.

[Dynamic]

Tiredbuttrying,
How I can relate to a similar situation in our house. When he gets really angry, the first name he calls me is wh$re in the language we speak at home. In the beginning years, he said he did not mean it. Then he said I made him say it. Every time he would apologize. He knows that I cannot stand that word. Who can? He would apologize later on & promise that he would never use that word again only to repeat it sooner or later. Nine days back when he was dysregulating for no reason whatsoever, he called me wh$re again. I gave him the silent treatment like previous times. I know I did not follow the lessons while handling this situation. He apologized the next day & said that since he did not take antidepressant for 2 days, his head was spinning & he could not control his behavior. So this time he wants to get away by blaming the antidepressant. From the day he called that name, I am sleeping separately.

This is what usually happens. He dysregulates, I get angry, lash out, then give him the silent treatment & later on sleep separately. This is followed by his apology & after a while I start talking & soon we are back to square one. This has been the routine before I came to know of his possible BPD. After realizing of his BPD possibility recently, this is the first time he has called me that. So frankly I did not know how to handle him. I tried validation with fair amount of success during a previous incident, but I guess I reverted to the usual routine by habit this time. I sent an email last Tuesday saying that we need to talk about this issue. But could not discuss that matter in detail since he was working late through the week. On Tuesday when I started talking, he asked me to come to the bedroom to sleep with him. Though we did not have a long discussion, I told him that he cannot expect me to do that when he cannot treat me with respect. I also told him that if he has the control to not call me by that name when others are present & not call others by that name to their face, then he should be able to have the control to not use that word on me at all. He repeated his request 2 or 3 more times including yesterday. Now it is 8 days since he called me by that name & same number of days we are sleeping separately. I know it bothers him a lot. After I started talking, while I was working at my desk & in the kitchen, he tried to hug & kiss me though I tried to get away. He is 5' 10" & a hefty person whereas I am 5' 2" with a medium frame. He knows that I am no match to outdo him physically. I think I have set a much delayed boundary, but in a subtle manner. On previous occasions, he would do the opposite if he sees that I am very determined about something. So though subtle, I hope I am sending a very strong message that sleeping together is off limits if he is going to continue using that word on me.

It is just a matter of time when he is going to dysregulate for this reason & try to test me. I don't know how I am going to handle it. Like you, Tiredbuttrying I am also in a fix trying to set a boundary but at the same time maintain mutual respect & trust & have some peace in the house.

[suzn]

I'm actually starting with my own therapist at the BPD center this week. 

  This will be very helpful for both of you.

My husband is very upset about that - he's sure the therapist is going to tell me I need to leave him (he knows his behavior is wrong and hard to live with yet doesn't seem to be able to stop).

This is his fear of abandonment kicking in. You can use SET to help calm his fears. Something like "I'm sorry you are upset about my therapy appointment(Sympathy) and I can understand why you are upset(Empathy). However my therapy appointment is for us as much as it is for me and it's something I want to do to make our marriage better (Truth).
Learning to use the communication skills here will be invaluable to you. (And they are skills that work with anyone, not just a pwBPD)

  I stayed calm and reminded him of our long term goals for a healthy sex life based on the right reasons.  He became very passive aggressive - said he was sexually frustrated and couldn't sleep, so said he was going driving. Yet mysteriously couldn't find his keys, so from 12 to 3 am he tore the house apart looking for his keys.  Banging, slamming, lights on, etc.  And he'd come into the bedroom and say "I'm sorry I'm making noise I don't mean to - I just need my keys". 

Good job staying calm!.. that's hard to do. Again using SET here may have headed off his behavior and then again maybe not. You are in a postion to teach him how to treat you, if SET doesn't work and his behaviors get out of control looking at taking a time out is a good idea.
How to take a time out

  He unplugged my alarm clock - I guess so I wouldn't wake up to go on a bike ride I've been really looking forward to. 

Did you plug it back in so you wouldn't miss out on what you had planned to do? Important to keep your plans in place if possible.

  So am I doing the right thing here?  Holding my ground regardless of the hell he puts me through? 

Yes, you are doing the right thing holding your ground. It will get worse before it gets better, as I'm sure you've probably already heard here. This is the hard part. You are both just starting therapy and are working towards a healthy r/s..this is going take time. You are going to have to practice, as will he, to set boundaries and stick to them. Reading the lessons here and working on them diligently will move this process along.

Hang in there!    It will get better.

[lookingahead]

Tiredbuttrying: Wow, it sounds like our experiences are so similar! I feel so bad when H talks about the pain he's in but I'm trying to remember that I really can't take it away. I think SET (or at least the S and the E parts--truth is hard for me still!) did help this weekend in diffusing some issues with H, though when I try to be empathetic, he says that I couldn't possibly understand, and there's got to be something I could say that's better than what I did say to him.

Dynamic: The long weekends are so trying. H is home most of the time too and I get the Friday afternoon dread of the weekend the same way most people get the Sunday night blues! And we had a terrible movie situation last night too. I've only been coming here for a few weeks (and sporadically at that), but it's amazing how similar many of the situations are. Empowering in some ways, as it definitely makes me feel more realistic about the lack of uniqueness in my situation.

I had a T and he's been trying to find a T that does DBT and we can afford. I'm looking for a new T now. But his fear of abandonment must kick in because he told me that "studies have shown that people who see a therapist have less empathy for others." I think he meant less enabling capacity!

[Dynamic]

lookingahead,
My h also was saying that we should plan for an outing when there is a long weekend. I also agree with him since those weekends make me self-conscious & tend to walk on eggshells even more. Then again we would fight even during vacations & I would feel that at least if this happened while at home I can just go out alone to get away from him. I think we should plan on a one-day outing, preferably a trek or a museum visit. Like most high-functioning BPDs, my h does not dysregulate in a public place or when others are in our house. So getting out of the house will certainly work wonders for both of us. To add to his condition is the fact that we are dealing with empty nest with sons returning calls or visiting us as they wish, a behavior typical of their age. Even during those visits, one teenage son is in his own world chatting online or visiting friends. The other son is a reserved person & will answer only when we ask questions. He is also a moody person & always worry that he might be the one most affected due to his dad's behavior.

Alternatively, inviting friends over is another solution. But usually & more off late, with our own issues, it is so difficult to call friends over. When things are good, lets say we invite friends for dinner or lunch on a particular day. Before or on that day, h will dysregulate making it so difficult for me to tidy the house up, cook special dishes & act as though nothing happened when the guests come. I become emotionally drained, let alone the physical exhaustion. In spite of me undergoing all that trouble, h would blame me for avoiding friends. The same thing happens when others call us over. We would accept the invitation for a party/potluck/performance, then on that day h will dysregulate & we usually end up informing them that we won't be coming. So it has come to the stage where we have no social life. The irony is that the loneliness is killing him, but we have landed in this situation because of him. Now we have drifted away from our friends. He longs for company & blames me for this lonely situation. I am also partially feeling guilty since I dread inviting friends or invitations from friends because of the distress caused later on when going through or cancelling those interactions.

[united for now]

Finding some space and some breathing room for yourself is a very important aspect of staying strong. Without it, we begin to feel too empty and resentful to be any good.

Do lesson #1 - find time for yourself

start small. A bubble bath, or some time on the phone with a friend. Join a yoga class or take the dog for a walk. It need not be hours and hours, just minutes for you to cherish and enjoy your own peace.

Can you think of something small you can try?

[lookingahead]

I try to do things like that when I can...take long walks, exercise, yoga, coffee with a friend, etc.

It used to help more than it does now though. I think I'm more in touch with the fact that these things are temporary relief, and when I get back from the activity, the problems will still be there. That's been very hard to deal with lately. For example, H will be in an angry mood on a weekend and I'll take a walk. For the first few minutes, there's an "I'm free!" feeling, but as it goes on, the whole exercise seems futile since when I get home, nothing will have changed. Plus, if I'm gone too long or do too many things like that in a short time period, he starts directing his annoyance at me about being out too much and never wanting to spend time with him.

The problem is that I have trouble with the truth. I don't tell him when things bother me, I just try and be cheerful or move away from the issue, or just stay calm in the face of his negativity. Though I had a T for most of the time we've been together, I think she was the wrong T, since it's only recently that I've begun to see just how deep my fear of the truth is.

[briefcase]

The problem is that I have trouble with the truth. I don't tell him when things bother me, I just try and be cheerful or move away from the issue, or just stay calm in the face of his negativity. Though I had a T for most of the time we've been together, I think she was the wrong T, since it's only recently that I've begun to see just how deep my fear of the truth is.

I can relate to this.  I did this for a loooooong time.  Many years.  I know from experience that you can change this in yourself.

You're probably not fooling him anyway.  When you feel resentful, hurt or angry those emotions tend to affect our behavior in ways that pwBPD (and nons) detect anyway. It harbors resentment in ourselves and can lead to depression.  Not a fun path.

The book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend really helped me understand my role in this dynamic.  I highly recommend it. 

[Validation78]

Hey All!
   I must agree that our pwBPD have an strong ability to sense our emotions even when we think we are doing such a good job of hiding them. Therefore, it is best to discuss our emotions, using tools like SET, enabling us to be honest with them, and ourselves, about what we are feeling. Yeah, I know, sometimes easier said than done, but it's a win win situation. Their senses are validated, and we feel less like victims, building up emotions that eventually blow anyway! Hummmmmm, see how it works? It takes practice, because when we are trapped in FOG, we are afraid of their reactions to our truths, hence the need to tell the truth using the tools!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[united for now]

When you say you have trouble with the truth, what do you mean?

[lookingahead]

When you say you have trouble with the truth, what do you mean?

My problem is fear. In the beginning of our relationship, I was very startled by some of his desire to stomp on me and my interests and needs to get his needs met. I'm just scared to speak my mind, stand up for my needs, or give him my truth if I think it will make him argue with me. I'm even scared at this point to say something if it will even just annoy him a little bit.

I know this is a problem with ME, not him, and I'm reading books about Co-dependency to try and deal with this issue. It's funny, I feel like I have to deal with me before I can even seriously address the question of whether or not I want to stay in this situation. Because I'm so guided and blinded by fear of speaking my mind that I don't even have a handle on who I am or what I want anymore. Even though I had these issues way before him and have tried on a number of occasions to work it out with a T, t's kind of scary when I think about how fear has guided my life, more than love or desire, or even duty or obligation. Nothing looms larger in my life than fear. So I have some stuff to work on for sure.

[united for now]

Fear is a difficult emotion to ignore for anyone.

What sort of therapy did you use to help with it previously?

For many members, fear can be reinforcing, in that the more you worry about it, the worse it becomes.

While you don't have to post them, it can be very helpful to sit down and label what your fears are. This can help with developing some understanding of them.


And you are absolutely correct - we need to deal with our own issues first 

A possible helpful story

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=159779.msg1533176#msg1533176