BPD girlfriend is leaving

[Think About It...]

Dear all,

Any help would be appreciated. I do not know where to start. I have a relationship with a girl with BPD. The first two years were quite ugly, many fights, but afterwards I was always everything for her. I was her god.

Since 4 months everything changed. She started taking SSRI_

[BPD_Partner]

Dear all,

Any help would be appreciated. I do not know where to start. I have a relationship with a girl with BPD. The first two years were quite ugly, many fights, but afterwards I was always everything for her. I was her god.

Since 4 months everything changed. She started taking SSRI_

[rickstone]

Oh friend how we suffer.

I cannot really offer you advise because i am a prisoner like you.  only sympathy.

your story is almost identical to mine.  with BPDfg for almost 3 years.
caught her romancing a guy 5-6 weeks ago.  on the phone with him almost every day.
shes still denying it even last night saying shes done nothing wrong.
she jumped at the chance.
but i know what i know.

im a 'pretend' boyfriend buddy.  thats just the sad truth.  maybe like you.

cant speak for other BPD but i know why shes doing it.  validation.  exitement.  boredom.
she loves these secret romances.  it makes her feel pretty.  accepted.  wanted.
she doesnt want to lose me, but use me.
she knows deep inside she has no chance to establish a rs with this guy.
but she CANT help it.

now ive caught her and shes in a disarry (thats her word).  ive called her on it 4 times and i wont give it up and 'ive screwed up everything'.

and im the bad guy
in a strange sort of way i almost sympathise and understand why she does it.

[Steph]

 So...what do you want to happen in this relationship? What are your goals?


Steph 

[BPD_Partner]

I want to be the only one for her. A more healthy relationship. This push&pull situation is exhausting, but despite the pain, I still love her. Allthough, I know my life whould be better without her, my heart is not planning giving up on her. I red in another topic, that we can not get a stable rs if I do not accept that we could break up forever. I am now trying to accept that, but it is not working, because I am doing that with the hope she comes back. She has not text me now for 20 hours, this is very unusal. She normally texts me the whole day when we are sepparated, even when I do not respond. This was actually not the case last big break up, because I became extremly mad when she contacted me, but in the end she came back agian begging that we would fight BPD together.

[goinbonkers]

Sorry you are suffering.  We have all been there.  It is fine and dandy to not want to give up on her, but if she is not willing to do work on herself, anything resembling a healthy long-lasting relationship just ain't gonna happen my friend.

[BPD_Partner]

She is attended to work on her self. Before I got the door in my face again (yesterday), she was texting me all the time that she was reading everything about BPD, that she knew the answers, working with lists etc.

But actually before she cancelled our trip to Bali (her idea), she was saying that she regretted that she went back to me so fast. She rather had some extra time to work on her self. That was not what she was saying at the time that she came back to me. I was very straightforward, she had to be 100% sure about us to allow me to have contact with her again. Now she is saying that the only reason why she came back to me was because she was afraid that I would get a new girl friend and that I was not waiting for her anymore...

It is so hard to believe what the truth is...

[Auspicious]

If she really wants to work on herself, and if she really has BPD, then she needs intensive, lengthy therapy. (Not that you can "get" her to do that or anything - you can't - just throwing that out there for your knowledge.)

She might very well need time apart to work on herself, if that is really what she wants to do. It sounds like a very stormy relationship, that isn't providing calm or peace for either of you.


Have you read the Lessons? It's important to step back and get some knowledge and perspective, not just react to the daily "emergencies".

[goinbonkers]

It is so hard to believe what the truth is...

The truth reveals itself in actions, not words.

[BPD_Partner]

Auspicious, I think you are right. Of course I do not want to hear this, but she wants to work on her BPD alone. I should accept that and try to move on. My only nightmare is that it will all start again after a long time, in period that I will feel fine. Than I would rather feel depressed for a few more months now, get a final punch in my face soon and then hope to be ready to leave her. But you are right_

[moonunit]

PBD, i feel your pain.
I think we all struggle with your questions in our own ways.
One thing that might help, is to take a step back and ask yourself, why am i in the situation that i am in, what is there about me that makes me feel that i need this type of r/s, its a hard look at yourself but may reveal some insight into why we engage ourselves in these types of r/s.
Your situation reminds me of a book i have heard about ( not read yet ) I hate you, Don't go -
Personally i think she is using the other guy as a means to control you, she knows it gets your attention and keeps you interested in her, and if she is pwBPD she will love the attention. If your able to  get past it, then the whole other guy thing loses its power for her, she will likely try another tactic to keep you hanging on.
Have you read about being co-dependant yet?   
I know at times it can be very confusing and draining, if you can figure out why YOU stick around the relationship, then maybe you can start to work on YOU and get yourself stronger and better able to handle all the games.
Good luck !    

[BPD_Partner]

Yes, I red about it and think that I am indeed co-dependent. I have canceled my therapy, because we were supposed to be on holiday now. I am dying to speak with my therapist, about me being co-dependent and trying to resolve why I can not let this rs go. It feels like I am having disorder, that I can not let her go. Unfortunately, my therapist is overbooked till our next meeting, which is next month_

[moonunit]

I would suggest that you get lots of sleep, eat well, get some exercise, same ole advice but i think it would help you out, sleep seems to help me deal with my situation and with concentration issues at work.
When things are going badly, i have problems at work too, just doing simple things are very difficult to do.
good luck ! 

[OnceConfused]

My friend,

I normally don't get involved with the staying board but for some reasons I clicked in your post and here I am.

First of all, my friend, the problem is not hers, the problem is YOU. YOu are the problem. Why?. Because she just acts truly to her true self, BPD or not.  You want her to change, you want to chase her even after a short period of NC, you want her to go exclusivity with you while she does not feel that way. The truth is you have to change.

THe real question you have to ask is not of her, not of how she is going change , not of how she ..., but to yourself:

1. Why cann't I let go, even after NUMEROUS break ups ? what are in me that cause me to look to her for my self worth, my life affirmation?

2. The purpose of NC is to let your emotion die down a little bit, to help clear your head. You did not let the emotion die out and then quickly got back w her.

3. It sounds to me like you try to hear from her with only information you want to hear. You have to hear the message behind the story she says.  Perhaps you are loving the one who cannot be loved. You want to dance with the one who cannot be led.

She can make you feel the pain but she cannot make you suffer. You are the only one who can make yourself suffer.

You can take charge your life and your happiness. Are you ready for that ?

It is all up to you, my friend. All up to you.

[BPD_Partner]

Yes, you are 100% right. I am aware of this. That is one of the reasons why I am never angry at her, because always I choose and I am responsible my self to stay in an unhealthy rs.

Last time I have spent all my hours on the leaving and detaching board, which actually felt quite great. When we came together last time I have promised her my unconditional love. That is why I have posted my topic on this staying board. It is difficult to loose that promise.

I am starting to get ready to move to the detaching board again. It is painful, because that would mean that we will never be together. Once I make a decision I am quite strong. I would like to stress that I rarely contact her in a break up. Not planning to contact her another time, because last time was too painful. Probably you mean with NC, that I also should not respond to any of her calls, e-mails and texts_

[BPD_Partner]

Dear all,

Just would like to know your thoughts. Last three days I started feeling more and more depressed. I followed your advice, accepted that the relationship is over and not trying to analyze her movements and focus on myself. It has been working for some days and felt quit good. I am also pretty sure that I am indeed co-dependent. Today I have a really bad day and started analyzing her behaviour again. Last Wednesday I got a nice and normal e-mail from her. Although, we agreed to stay NC.

She wanted me to explain that she is in NYC for a week to clear her head. This is of course good for her and me. She stressed in particular that she wanted to let me know that she is not having a nice holiday and that she has not forget me and that she still thinks about me a lot. I replied nicely, good that you went to NYC, it will be good for you and I hope you will enjoy your holiday despite the problems. I called my best friend and my father and surprisingly they sad she wants you back, there is hope and they will be supportive if I would give it another try. They also stressed that I should not declare her my love again or contact her in any case during her holiday. This because it has to come from her side, otherwise the rs will fail again immediately. I have no urge to contact her, but I have also not heard from her since her last e-mail and I am worried that she has forgotten that I will love her unconditionally and that I want to be her stable factor in her life.

One of my friends told me that she is partying with one my (not common) friends in NYC (he saw it on facebook with pictures). Strange behaviour in my opinion, because I told her that I would not appreciate it when she hangs out with my friends and in particular with this girl (also mental problems). I will not tell her or my friend this, because they are both free to hang out with whom they like. Also my opinion changed (my ex does not know this), I think it will not hurt that she hangs out with my friend, because my friend knows that I love her unconditionally and it would be good if my ex is having a good time in NYC.

I have to express that both the e-mail and hanging out with my friend is not the overtone of my day, but it worries me that I started a bit with analyzing my ex again_