Cognitive distortions

[Think About It...]

My 14dd is in DBT RTC and she is working on identifying her cognitive distortions.  This wasn't something I had heard of before but is a huge problem for her and, I imagine, for all pwBPD.  I just viewed her problem as misperceptions or not in touch with reality but it turns out there are very specific cognitive distortions.  I found this very helpful in understand dd's behavior and, more importantly, so has she!  The website below lists them and I pasted the intro section from another site below.  Tell me what you think.  My dd suffers the most from mind reading, filtering and personalization.

http://www.planotherapist.com/CognitiveDistortionsList.en.html


"What_

[eac]

My 14dd is in DBT RTC and she is working on identifying her cognitive distortions.  This wasn't something I had heard of before but is a huge problem for her and, I imagine, for all pwBPD.  I just viewed her problem as misperceptions or not in touch with reality but it turns out there are very specific cognitive distortions.  I found this very helpful in understand dd's behavior and, more importantly, so has she!  The website below lists them and I pasted the intro section from another site below.  Tell me what you think.  My dd suffers the most from mind reading, filtering and personalization.

http://www.planotherapist.com/CognitiveDistortionsList.en.html


"What_

[jbmom]

Very interesting article. My daughter does most of these, and has for years. Its too bad that this isn't a guidance for referral for 8-10 years... because -- I think these trends are present very young.

[sharinghelps]

My BPDd 28 has almost all of these distortions.  Funny you should mention it, because daughter was recently on her second counseling appointment of this current crisis, and brought home as "homework" a list of cognitive distortions to think about and she was to report back at her next appointment.  She showed me the paper she'd brought home, I said "That stuff is really interesting".  She lay the paper on an end table; it never moved from there; I don't think she kept her next counseling appointment; I have to accept that.  I have been down the road of trying to make sure she keeps her appts, etc., but it is a futile way to go about it.  She HAS to make the decision herself.

WHY WHY WHY does she not want help with this?  Does anyone have the experience of their pwBPD quitting therapy when something came up that they didn't want to deal with, or what else could it be?

[heronbird]

My dd refuses therapy at the moment, which seems so stupid to me, I understand that its hard and its uncomfortable but really, its the only way. I have found that if I try to talk to dd about almost anything that she finds hard she tells me to stop talking about it because it upsets her to think about it.
She wont open up to anyone, she is so scared of crying in front of her therapist so she gets nowhere, its easier to go  bing drink or drugs or bf.

Valerie Porr writes at the back of her book for clinicians why pwBPD do not continue in DBT, it is very interesting and I thought all those things before I read it so it was a surprise to then read it.

[sharinghelps]

I better get that Valerie Porr book.  Thank you.

[eac]

Interesting you mention crying, heronbird.  My dd hardly ever cries and when she does it is huge, deep crying.  She has been working on crying in RTC.  They told her it is a good release and stress reliever but she finds it hard to let go and doesn't want anyone to see her cry.  Interesting...

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[mikmik]

eac, sharing, and Heron,

Three cheers for Heron and talking about Valerie Porr as much as she has.  It is what motivated me to get it.  It is so eye opening, and I realize that not everyone may connect with her, I tried the Validation, Empathy and Compassion last night during an extreme emotional upheval for dd.  Said something like "It sounds so hard that your powerful emotions can make you feel derailed.  However, I think your powerful emotions are such an important part of who you are, and contribute to the art you create.  And I love your passion, I wouldn't want you to stop being you.  Maybe you could talk with your T, and she could help you feel more in control of your strong feelings before the derail you."  She calmed down in less than ten minutes.  That had never happened before.  Thanks Heron.  And my dd does not like to cry either, it makes her feel weak and out of control.  I think she feels if she starts crying she will loose it and it will not be pretty, and that scares her.

Sharing, yes, I think Valerie Porr's book is helpful (can you guess?)

eac, I think my dd falls into most all of the cognitive distortions.  WOW..  That is good info.  Please let us know how your dd does at identifying them for herself.  I can only imagine how tough that will be for her, and how anxious you must be for her to see what you see.  But, she has to do this in her own speed.  It is so kind, sweet and brave of you to give this info to us.  Very helpful.  Keep us posted, please.

mikmik

[heronbird]

Hi Mikmik,

I had a similar experience as you when Id just started reading that book, dd phoned me up in a rage because she couldnt find a sock, I did the newly learnt validation technique and she went from rage to ok within about 2 minutes, she was as sweet as pie when I said goodbye to her, I was in a shop saying yes yes yes in excitment hahaha, it was one of the first times I felt like I had really done something worthwile.

I found the book hard going and I really had to use my brain and think a lot, I dont usually do that .  I am going through it again from beginning now and its worthwile.

Why do you think not everyone will connect with her? Id be  interested to know, its because of her book and TARA that I am starting my support group, I hope to go to NYC next year and do a long weekend course at TARA. I have now met with a couple of people who run some sort of group here in UK for BPD but I think TARA is quite unique and I like the concept, so Id like it to be similar eventually.

My dd cried almost every day from age 11, some days she would be crying for about 3 hours in her room alone. Shed even cry in the shower, at school, on the bus, in a cafe, on holiday, The thing was at 16 she stopped, we all thought ahh at last shes getting better two months after that she had her first crisis and was in hospital then received her diagnosis. So when she stopped the crying she got worse.

Its hard right now because she really wontcry in front of any P or Therapist, so she wont talk about her problems, how will she move forwards, such a shame.
Mind you, thinking about it, I dont always like talking about dd because tears come to my eyes at times. So its best not to say anything. They started talking about self harm on my course last week and I was crying, so embarrasing, no one else did.

[sharinghelps]

I can't talk about my daughter without crying either.  Was at a friend's gathering recently and someone there knew dd from working with her, and talked about how gifted she is with the special ed kids, etc.  It was nice stuff to hear, but then all the more heartbreaking since she sabotaged that job and lost it.  I learned that her close co-workers had tried to cover for her for a long time so she wouldn't get fired.

Anyway, I could hardly stay at the party.  I was trembling in my effort not to just burst out crying.  Had to wait for husband to finish eating - argghhhhh.  Got in car and could let it out.  I tried to just let myself feel the anguish and get the emotions out. 

I hope people were kind to you when you were crying, Heronbird. 

[heronbird]

Yes, I guess its same for everyone isnt it sharinghelps, I can imagine how you felt, I keep trying to think there must be worse things parents go through. Imagine cancer or child with braindamage in weelchair and does not respond. What about the war, husbands and sons uncles, dads etc all going off to fight and you never knew what was to become of them, if they did come back, often traumatised etc etc, doesnt help mind you just makes me more sad ha.

Yes they were kind, they didnt say anything and I was pleased. It was while we were having a lecture anyway.

[mikmik]

Heronbird,

I guess some folks may not agree with her notion that these kids just can't "help it".  That they would change if they could.  For me, taking that in, that she is not a brat has freed me of some of my resentment and given me a different and more compassionate way of looking at her.

The whole congitive distortoin EAC gave us, it really hits home.  It is what dd lives daily, and therefore, what I live every day.  If I had been given this info six years ago, if Porr's book magically fell into my hands six years ago...But going there is not productive.  In this moment, I am clinging to this information because it feels right, it fits.

To move me a bit out of my isolation, I called dd's former voice teacher.  She had tried to contact us a few times though email, texts to dd, and a card in the mail.  She knew dd struggled, but was very good with her.  Told her about BPD.  She said, her mom had BPD and we had a long talk. 

I have not heard back from either the High School counselor or Middle School couselor I left messages for.  I told them both that if they chose not to respond, I would understand.  I understand, but I am disappointed

Thanks agian for the info ladies.  I would never have known about this if you had not posted.

mikmik

[sharinghelps]

Heronbird - yes, there are so many other worse things that people suffer, no doubt about it.

mikmik - I have to keep myself from "going there" also, as far as severe regrets that I did not know about BPD for so many years, and made so many mistakes that maximized the pain for all.  It's great that you connected with the voice teacher; I'm always SO grateful that there are people in dd's life that "get" her and love her and appreciate her. 

I agree that the cognitive distortion info does hit home, and for me, it's helpful because I think we all have some of the distortions at various times and to varying degrees, so it helps me understand the thinking a little better.  For example, I know that I have done "all-or-nothing" thinking at times and had to talk myself out of it.  So then I can picture that for BPDd, the distortions are greatly magnified, and she has no idea of talking herself out of them.  An emotional life that must be so painful and overwhelming.