Flea or red flag? Or is it me?

[Think About It...]

Wonderful, understanding, thoughtful BF has on a few occasions gotten all-of-a-sudden quiet.  I know him well enough to know that he processes things in his head before he talks about them.  Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes for weeks. 

The first time it happened, I panicked.   He would still speak, but only to answer me and not to really converse.  One of the things STBXH did to punish me for perceived slights was to give me the silent treatment.  He would not speak to me AT ALL, nor look at me, or stay in the same room with me.  I know that BF is not XH.  He is not doing anything to try to cause me discomfort.  And he does, when he's ready, ask the question he's been mulling over or bring up the subject he was thinking on.

But it still makes me worry.  Did I do or say something that offended him?  (That has happened a couple of times, easily explained when he asked me about it.)  Is he thinking about how to help me with an issue?  (Today I said that my divorce is 1 month away and I felt that it would be appropriate to feel some sadness, but I did not.  He said, "Why would you feel sad?"  I said something about spending 1/2 of my life with someone and thinking that perhaps I would feel a little sad as it ended.)  Or is he just "going to a man place" like a male friend told me most men do, where their minds are blank or wandering and they are kinda recharging?

I rarely compare BF to XH, since there is no comparison.  But this going quiet makes me very anxious and heart-racing and scared and even tearful.  I don't want to ask BF to change the way he thinks/processes things.  Part of me wants to tell him how bad it makes me feel and ask him to tell me he needs time to himself or something.  But it isn't his fault that I go through a PTSD-type reaction to a benign pattern of behavior.

Is it just me?  Do I need to just shut up and get my mind on something else?  I don't want to be petrified every time he isn't laughing and chatting up a storm.

Thanks for reading.

God bless,
JDoe

[JDoe]

Wonderful, understanding, thoughtful BF has on a few occasions gotten all-of-a-sudden quiet.  I know him well enough to know that he processes things in his head before he talks about them.  Sometimes for a day or two, sometimes for weeks. 

The first time it happened, I panicked.   He would still speak, but only to answer me and not to really converse.  One of the things STBXH did to punish me for perceived slights was to give me the silent treatment.  He would not speak to me AT ALL, nor look at me, or stay in the same room with me.  I know that BF is not XH.  He is not doing anything to try to cause me discomfort.  And he does, when he's ready, ask the question he's been mulling over or bring up the subject he was thinking on.

But it still makes me worry.  Did I do or say something that offended him?  (That has happened a couple of times, easily explained when he asked me about it.)  Is he thinking about how to help me with an issue?  (Today I said that my divorce is 1 month away and I felt that it would be appropriate to feel some sadness, but I did not.  He said, "Why would you feel sad?"  I said something about spending 1/2 of my life with someone and thinking that perhaps I would feel a little sad as it ended.)  Or is he just "going to a man place" like a male friend told me most men do, where their minds are blank or wandering and they are kinda recharging?

I rarely compare BF to XH, since there is no comparison.  But this going quiet makes me very anxious and heart-racing and scared and even tearful.  I don't want to ask BF to change the way he thinks/processes things.  Part of me wants to tell him how bad it makes me feel and ask him to tell me he needs time to himself or something.  But it isn't his fault that I go through a PTSD-type reaction to a benign pattern of behavior.

Is it just me?  Do I need to just shut up and get my mind on something else?  I don't want to be petrified every time he isn't laughing and chatting up a storm.

Thanks for reading.

God bless,
JDoe

[Want2know]

Have you talked to him about his silence?  Maybe approach it something like "I noticed you have been reserved lately, is there something you want to talk about? 

[seeking balance]

JDoe,

My guess is your emotions are going to be raw as the final phases go about with the divorce.  As you say, you spent 1/2 your life with this man...you will go through sadness (that is normal).

So, your new BF doesn't want to be the person you share that with - is that so bad really?  Maybe you should discuss that stuff with a T and keep it out of your new relationship.  This is one of those reasons that it is not recommended to get serious until the divorce is over.  I mean, life happens - so not judging, just saying I think this is why they suggest get the past behind you before having a new relationship.  You will want to process those emotions, maybe just not with new BF.

Regarding his silence - you said you know he is that way...radical acceptance maybe?

Peace,
SB

[JDoe]

Thank you both, W2K and SB.  Good points.  I did end up having an opportunity to talk with BF last evening.  Started out with "I think talking about my divorce and my X may be a better conversation to have with my mom.  It seemed like you got pretty quiet after that."

Fortunately, he was ready to share how he had been feeling about that.  It turns out that it was a double flea.  Yep!  Even mentally healthy folks have 'em.  He had dated a lady who had recently been divorced and she ended up going back to her XH.  So mention of thinking I should be sad and having invested 20 years brought up old hurts for him.

Makes total sense!  We talked through it and I reassured him that no part or particle of my heart belongs to STBXH any longer.  One of the reasons I stayed as long as I did was so that I would not have a single regret.  I know in my heart that I don't.  That must be why I am not feeling any sadness.  I may on the day of the divorce, but I'll cry and my mom will remind me what a monster I just escaped from, and then it will be done.

Hugs to you, friends!
JDoe

[nonhere]

What a great story of communication actually WORKING! 

Gives me hope that there is a world of sanity out there, now that I'e stepped out of Crazyville.

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