How has detachment worked for you?

[Think About It...]

As per some of my other recent posts, I find myself riding waves of emotions...pride, regret, relief, anger, grief...and that I haven't come to a truly peaceful place yet in relation to my break-up with my exBPD.
I can sometimes feel I am in stage 5 of detachment and that I am free and ready for anything. But other days, I feel I am still in the processing stage and probably not doing enough that could be called Creative Action.
I worry that I have not fully detached and that perhaps I never will. Because there was no real closure for me, I do have a nagging desire to talk this all out with my ex but I also know that this will never happen.
Does anyone have any tips that I might try to help me fully detach?
How do I remain detached in my next r/s? Can you maintain detachment when you have feelings for someone? ...or as these feelings intesify?
Are we lying to ourselves by even seeking out detachment, when our heart's desire is undeniable?
thanks
BB12

[bb12]

As per some of my other recent posts, I find myself riding waves of emotions...pride, regret, relief, anger, grief...and that I haven't come to a truly peaceful place yet in relation to my break-up with my exBPD.
I can sometimes feel I am in stage 5 of detachment and that I am free and ready for anything. But other days, I feel I am still in the processing stage and probably not doing enough that could be called Creative Action.
I worry that I have not fully detached and that perhaps I never will. Because there was no real closure for me, I do have a nagging desire to talk this all out with my ex but I also know that this will never happen.
Does anyone have any tips that I might try to help me fully detach?
How do I remain detached in my next r/s? Can you maintain detachment when you have feelings for someone? ...or as these feelings intesify?
Are we lying to ourselves by even seeking out detachment, when our heart's desire is undeniable?
thanks
BB12

[34broken]

I am failing miserably.  I keep bouncing between the stages of both grief and abandonment.  If I cant be with her, Iwant her out of my mind forever. It feels like a slow a very slow and deliberate death.

[bb12]

how long are you out 34broken?
I'm almost 6 months NC. But it can't be repaired.
Like you, I just want them out of my head all together if we can't be in eachother's lives on any level
Hang in there! I am
Bb12

[MindfulJavaJoe]

18 months out.

I still have almost daily contact from my ex.

I do not initiate contact.

I am somewhre between creative action and freedom. I am enjoying my new life. A life free of drama.
BPD relationships are full of push and pull. Hi's and low's.
Drama or numbness.
I was deep in FOG when I came here.

The tools, the support from memebers and supporting other members helped me process my marriage, my ex and my own stuff too. The latter was probably the most important thng I did.

Now life is good. The ex wants drama on a daily basis. I don't. It's ironic she wanted us to separatre I didn't. 

Since we separated I am free to choose. 

I try not to look back with regret just do so to remind myself how lucky I am to have friends, family and loved ones around me again. Normal feels good and I have I low threashold not for stearing clear of people with PD's.

Thankfully The texts and emails remind me how much she needed and still needs the drama to keep her going. Without it she is not happy.

I stick to as close to NC as I can.

MJJ

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[bpdlover]

I accept that my ex is not the person I believed she was and that we will never have a relationship of any kind. Today, I let a little bit more of this fantasy die and I'm happy.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I accept that my ex is not the person I believed she was and that we will never have a relationship of any kind. Today, I let a little bit more of this fantasy die and I'm happy.

Great observation. 

I think that this is a massive step.
FOG keeps us from seeing the harsh reality of what we were in.
Once out of FOG we see the size of our fantasy and how far removed it is from what we percieved. 

Perhaps more alarmingly we get a measure of our own capacity to buy into this fantasy.

For me it was HUGE.

MJJ 

[bb12]

Perhaps more alarmingly we get a measure of our own capacity to buy into this fantasy.

For me it was HUGE.

MJJ 
[/quote]

Spot on! When that bubble bursts it is shocking for what it says about our own capacity to project and manifest and will and invent love!

My bubble has burst and I see them clearly but the hooks are still in a I miss them like crazy... Or do I ? Lol 

[redfeather]

I actually burst my own bubble this time...as soon as I recognized what i was dealing with I pulled away and went No Contact. Detachment has worked really well for me actually. From the grapevine here I know she is now on SOULMATE # 6 is it? And they are in LOVE let me tell you...not like the PREVIOUS 5 hearts she has crushed and left crying... NO THIS TIME IT IS TRUE LOVE TO LAST FOREVER or so the story goes...
 So while mine has been living in complete chaos and tossing people to curb left and right, I have been really productive! !
I am ever so thankful for this place to come and read and vent. So detaching for me has been really healthy!  

[Rise]

I can sometimes feel I am in stage 5 of detachment and that I am free and ready for anything. But other days, I feel I am still in the processing stage and probably not doing enough that could be called Creative Action.

Healing is a process. It's not a strait line. As much as we want it to be, it's not a list of steps that we go through one after another. It's okay to have a bad day. It happens to all of us. Just do your best to keep heading in the right direction, and eventually you'll get there. Two steps forward, one step back, still leaves you one step ahead of where you started.

How do I remain detached in my next r/s? Can you maintain detachment when you have feelings for someone? ...or as these feelings intesify?
Are we lying to ourselves by even seeking out detachment, when our heart's desire is undeniable?
thanks
BB12

That is a very deep philosophical question best left to a yogi. Or possibly a Jedi Knight. Personally, from a non-Hindi point of view, I have very different beliefs when it comes to attachment. I personally don't think it should be about remaining detached in a relationship. What is important is knowing how and when you have to let go. But that's just my thought.

[bb12]

thanks Rise!
it is one of the BIG questions isn't it? hehe
never quite understood how detachment works. I think boundaries early on might be a key
cheers
Bb12

[LoveNYC]

How's it going?

Eh...

Depends on what hour you ask.

Mostly, I despise him. I'm sickened that I allowed him to take advantage me. I'm mad at myself.

I'm terrified of running into him. I'm terrified he'll call. I'm terrified he'll not call (even though I'd ignore it). I fear men now, which I never did before.

I do feel more detached from the insanity, the doubt, the up and down, the eggshell walking, the desire to please him, the desire to mother him...

So I guess I'm a work in progress.

[bb12]

I'm terrified of running into him. I'm terrified he'll call. I'm terrified he'll not call (even though I'd ignore it). I fear men now, which I never did before.

I do feel more detached from the insanity, the doubt, the up and down, the eggshell walking, the desire to please him, the desire to mother him...

That's a really good observation LoveNYC
I forget how much progress I have made. The physical sensations have gone...the lump in my throat, heavy chest, the obsessive thoughts, the hope...so I guess that is a detachment. When you break it down as you have, we may not have completely let go of the pain or the experience or the cords to them. But there is actually a lot we have detached from. I am not anxious to the point of fear when I think of randomly bumping into him again, but I must admit that a part of still sees him in the faces of strangers. Part of me still looks for him I think.
I am happily out of the insantiy but still carry around the disbelief that I was discarded like that. I think it's that pain I want to detach from now because like you I have detached from the r/s and the desire to reconnect.
thanks
Bb12

[LoveNYC]

BB, that we have realized the futility of a life with them is a huge step.

I'm grateful to be out of the denial.

I'm grateful I walked away before I married him or had his child.

I'm grateful I walked away before he could kill me.

I'm grateful I no longer WANT to be his gf.

I still mourn the loss, but largely because I feel bad that the whole cruelty of it happened to me.

We are getting there.

We've come SO far because of each other.

[bb12]

so true
I feel like a different person because of these boards.
from when I first stumbled across it in March to now has marked an incredible period of personal growth
in addition, I have been seeing a T once per fortnight and really getting in to my psychological schema and root cause: the damage that happened at a much earlier time that made me a fixer; made me confuse pain with love; made me settle for poor treatment; made me have weak boundaries.
Once the cruelty of the discard has been processed, I will be healed completely and actually grateful for the experience.
We are getting there indeed LoveNYC!
Bb12
 

[OneVoice]

I am failing miserably.  I keep bouncing between the stages of both grief and abandonment.  If I cant be with her, Iwant her out of my mind forever. It feels like a slow a very slow and deliberate death.

I can so relate.  I feel very much abandoned.  I am pretty sure while I was in the hospital he was seeking out my replacement.  As soon as I got out, about a week later he was in bed with another woman.  It just hurts so bad.  All the stories I have heard of couples in there struggles and I think GOD we didn't have it so bad, but he left when I was at my weakest and really needed him to be there for me, instead he left me and replaced me within a week of me getting out of ICU.  I am still recovering from the pain of that relationship and it's only been 5 months.  He is still with my replacement, and I am single.  I have work and graduate school to keep me busy, thank GOD...distract, distract, distract and I try to stay away from where he is at.  Less drama for me.

[BDFriend]

I'm experiencing the disbelief of being discarded, too.  It simply amazes me how they do not have any empathy for others, at all.  How could a person's brain make them be that way?  It's sad.

He did me a favor and blocked me on Facebook.  Yet, he has "upped" his likes on our close mutual friends' comments, pictures, etc.  We shared other social media channels.  I just removed him from all of them.  It feels so strange.  Yet, looking back, all of those social media vehicles he introduced me to, were simply to feed his narcissistic behavior. 

He has to be number one in friends, checkin's, like's, followers, posting pictures, etc.  Oh, and good heavens if someone famous comes to town, he's there "checking in" so that everyone knows he's with someone famous. (he checked in to a restaurant with one of his ex's, making sure I saw it)

I had several people try to "tell me" in so many words that he was trouble(d), yet I refused to believe it.  I believe it now and to think the love was such a farce over the last 30 months is so disheartening.  I feel sorry and pity him as he has so much to offer.  And to phase someone out of your life.  It's painful.

[mgl210]

Emotional Roller coaster if anything...


One minute I am okay with us splitting and glad that the stress is gone. The next I don't even want to be alive. One minute I can accept that she probably never really did love me, and then the next I see her face smiling at me and just remember the few good times that we did share.

Nightmares are still around, and they are really frightening. Wish I could talk to someone about it, but I don't trust therapists, and I definitely don't want to talk to my family about it. FOrget the clergy, the clergy only add confusion between it all.

I feel as if I was the one that failed and that I am the bad one. Because if I am such a good person, how come I can't have her and be happy and then everything would be so called perfect...

SIGH

[bpdlover]

You did not fail but a sigh is good. Then take a few deep breaths and stretch. As dumb as that sounds, it may help alter the emotional make up slightly. You will get through this. I hope you find a therapist or someone to talk to though. I felt a similar way after I allowed my ex to come in and trash my life. It's time to get yours back now. Remember all the good things you did before you met them?

[mgl210]

Right now, I am feeling enraged. I am feeling like I have alot of anger inside of myself. Towards myself, I have no respect for therapists after my experiences of either talking to them or having my own private session with them. I don't feel comfortable talking to these people. I don't know how I feel the next second. Last night, was by far one of the harder nights, and I was ready to throw in the towel so to speak. I will let you interpret that however you want. \
Have I told you that emotionally I feel drained and empty and full of sadness and wonderment over why even bother letting anyone into my heart and soul when all they do is hurt me emotionally? I have a friend who has been supportive of all my feelings and has been there through hell and back with me and he said to me that its so sad to be with you MGL, because you aren't who you once were and it feels that the MGL that we have all loved and adored is totally shattered. He's right, I am shattered, I am shattered into a million pieces because of this whole thing. I walk around and look at couples and I just want to say to them that they won't last, that the relationship might seem so nicey and sweet and rosary, but its going to crash. So enjoy the intimacy, enjoy the fact that you have that person to fill that void now. Sometimes I just don't care about the threat of being told that if I went over to her house that the cops would be called, and just go over there and ask her to speak to me/see me.
Then there are times at night when I look at all the pills that I have in my house(all vitamins mostly) and just contemplate taking them all at once and maybe just maybe that I will finally have that calm down feeling once again..

SIGH

[GrandeLyme]

Right now, I am feeling enraged. I am feeling like I have alot of anger inside of myself. Towards myself, I have no respect for therapists after my experiences of either talking to them or having my own private session with them. I don't feel comfortable talking to these people. I don't know how I feel the next second. Last night, was by far one of the harder nights, and I was ready to throw in the towel so to speak. I will let you interpret that however you want. \
Have I told you that emotionally I feel drained and empty and full of sadness and wonderment over why even bother letting anyone into my heart and soul when all they do is hurt me emotionally? I have a friend who has been supportive of all my feelings and has been there through hell and back with me and he said to me that its so sad to be with you MGL, because you aren't who you once were and it feels that the MGL that we have all loved and adored is totally shattered. He's right, I am shattered, I am shattered into a million pieces because of this whole thing. I walk around and look at couples and I just want to say to them that they won't last, that the relationship might seem so nicey and sweet and rosary, but its going to crash. So enjoy the intimacy, enjoy the fact that you have that person to fill that void now. Sometimes I just don't care about the threat of being told that if I went over to her house that the cops would be called, and just go over there and ask her to speak to me/see me.
Then there are times at night when I look at all the pills that I have in my house(all vitamins mostly) and just contemplate taking them all at once and maybe just maybe that I will finally have that calm down feeling once again..

SIGH

Oh boy. We've all been there (and are there). The best revenge you can get is to improve yourself. Before you met this person you were OK. So you will be fine without them.

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