Codependency

[Think About It...]

Im trying to understand myself.  So looked this word up and thought I would share:

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself”    “It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not"

Question 1: Is this relationship more important to me than I am?

Love does have a selfless element, in which you want to make your partner happy. “I’m willing to give a lot for that person because I love them, but I shouldn’t be destroying myself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong,”

Question 2: What price am I paying for being with this person?

Someone with an anxiety disorder may only realize it when she sees its cost. For example, the price of her anxiety may be that she can’t fly somewhere fun for vacation.

Similarly, it can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in this relationship. “If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy for a person,” 

Question 3: Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?

If your tennis partner is too distracted or not interested in hitting the ball back to you, the game isn’t going to be much fun. The same is true for a couple when only one person is putting forth any effort.


So I am on this quest to find balance with myself, and my relationship.  Balance being the operative word.

[yeeter]

Im trying to understand myself.  So looked this word up and thought I would share:

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself”    “It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not"

Question 1: Is this relationship more important to me than I am?

Love does have a selfless element, in which you want to make your partner happy. “I’m willing to give a lot for that person because I love them, but I shouldn’t be destroying myself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong,”

Question 2: What price am I paying for being with this person?

Someone with an anxiety disorder may only realize it when she sees its cost. For example, the price of her anxiety may be that she can’t fly somewhere fun for vacation.

Similarly, it can be helpful to jot down a list of things you’re giving up to be in this relationship. “If you seem to always be putting yourself last, that’s not generally healthy for a person,” 

Question 3: Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship?

If your tennis partner is too distracted or not interested in hitting the ball back to you, the game isn’t going to be much fun. The same is true for a couple when only one person is putting forth any effort.


So I am on this quest to find balance with myself, and my relationship.  Balance being the operative word.

[xeon]

Interesting thread... and very valid questions.  I put myself on the back burner for years... no more.   

[megocean]

Thank you for this post. One way in which I am co-dependent (and I am trying to work on this) is detaching from my bf's ups and downs. I mean, I am there to help and be supportive to him, if he wants---BUT I take things too personally and let how he is feeling influence the tone of my day. I try to re-focus on myself, my interests and activities but he is just WAY too big in my mind.

[artman.1]

I believe I am an extremely codependent person.  I grew up caretaking for my very Alcoholic Father during my Childhood.  I wound up marrying a BPD wife, and have been married to her for 43 years.  My entire life has been involved with totally disfunctional relationships.  I have never known real true love, except maybe from my Mother.  Besides being an alcoholic, I believe my Father was a BPD as well, since he seemed to continuously berate, and dysregulate at my Mother, with all sorts of devaluing, and humiliating comments.  At this point in my life, after 1.7 years ago, discovering BPD with my UBPDW, and codependence with myself, I have realized that I must act so I can attempt to find some kind of True Loving relationship while I have at least some small lifetime remaining.  It feels terrible to have never known what real love feels like, and see the end of my life looming up soon for me in the future.  I am working as hard as possible to love myself first, and at least know that I loved me!

Art

[artman.1]

I have been DX'd as a Codependent!  This is something that I must battle within myself, and win.  The alternative is unacceptable.  I accept, radically, that my UBPDW has a Personality Disorder.  I am working on ME!  I joined CODA, and discovered Melody Beattie's Codependent Guide to the 12 Steps of CODA.  I have realized that these 12 steps are the essence of this staying website.  First Step: First half: We admitted we are powerless over others---This really describes the main thrust of the first thing I was told by the Ambassider as a newbe here, and that was I cannot control anyone but myself. Second half: that our lives had become unmanageable.---This is not so obvious in its form as presented, and Melody explains with examples that the unmanageablity of our lives lies in our enmeshment with our partners and others.  This is delt with by Detaching with Love.  This means when rage, or other dysregulations begin we must Detach without anger, but with mindfullness, and love thet accepts our partner as unhealthy, and needing understanding, and empathy.  We therefore must Detach with Love for them.  I am really finding this to be at the basis of all interactions I have with my UBPDW, and she is beginning to change for the positive, and has settled out in a great way since I have worked on ME with the CODA 12 steps.  So!  It seems what we are told about working on ourselves can result in an improved RS even if our partners remain in denial.  Additionally, since we are all blessed with a huge capacity to forgive our partners, we can grow, and let go of our own bad feelings and distrust, etc, rfurther healing ourselves, and further healing our RS.
     I am working on these concepts, and learning how to love myself is a priority.

Art

[isilme]

Like Art, I grew up a parental caretaker, so a lot of these behaviors are hardwired pretty deeply for me.

And like megocean has said:

One way in which I am co-dependent (and I am trying to work on this) is detaching from my bf's ups and downs. I mean, I am there to help and be supportive to him, if he wants---BUT I take things too personally and let how he is feeling influence the tone of my day.

I am fighting this.  Though I wish I could have done so before, this is one thing the ADs my doctor put me on seem to have helped with.  I'm not flying into a fit of despair just because BF is flying into a rage.  He's been on again, off again, upset all week, and being stuck home sick hasn't helped his mood stability at all, but I've not felt like I was on his roller-coaster ride, but more like I was watching from the ticket booth.  It made remembering to validate a little easier, not being overwhelmed by my own emotions, feeling I need to manage his AND my own.

And yes, I DO find I've put myself on the bottom of the list for a long time, and when I manage to put myself first, it often feels a bit daring... like I signed up for sky diving lessons.  I'm excited I did it, but scared of what may happen, next.   It's kinda sad to feel brave for calling BF when he's on his way home from work and asking him to pick up dinner (something I never used to do).

[busybee1116]

I'm just starting to read about codependency--I'm reading _Codependent No More_ right now, not very far in however.  I have a uBPD mother and I work in healthcare so I should be a classic set-up to be codependent.  Looking back, I had romantic relationships where I spent a lot of time trying to fix/help/change/control which I'm learning is probably codependency.  What I don't get is where the difference is between codependency and a personality disorder like BPD.  There seem to be a lot of overlapping traits (push-pull cycles, drama, anger, lack of personal identity with how another feels rather than having one's own identity etc).  And secondly, where do healthy relationships or jobs that revolve around normal caretaking end and codependency begin?  If my husband is sad, I should probably have some empathic sadness or want to cheer him up within reason, and if I take care of people for a living who are sick, it would be normal to worry about them to a degree and check in on them (within the standard of care)...

[Triptoes]

I'm new to this forum but have been trying to tackle my codependency traits for roughly 6 months now.

In the beginning of our relationship I definitely gave in too much and didn't stand up for my wants, needs or dreams at all. I tried to learn how to communicate my feelings but had tremendous trouble opening up. I then read the "Boundaries" book by Cloud & Townsend. Despite not being a christian this really struck me. That's what I should be doing! When I began working on this I, however, took it overboard (as warned in the book, most people do). So there I was yelling about my needs in a confrontational manner and needless to say me and my husband didn't fight any less. 

I have come down from that initial "boundary high" and am now working my way to enforcing them firmly but lovingly _

[Triptoes]

Hi-five for being bees, busybee1116!   

[wrangler1217]

Codepedency has so many definitions.  It's kind of like the "you might be a redneck" jokes.  I think nearly everyone on this planet is codependent to one degree or another.  The unhealthy situation is when an individual has no self-worth without some sort of external stimuli or "basis".  Everyone wishes and desires for many things like a great significant other, possessions, a larger salary, great friends, world peace, etc...  It becomes unhealthy when you allow your entire (or majority) self-worth to be a derivative of your ability to acquire or accomplish these things.

[busybee1116]

Hi-five for being bees, busybee1116!   

[busybee1116]

Codepedency has so many definitions.  It's kind of like the "you might be a redneck" jokes.  I think nearly everyone on this planet is codependent to one degree or another.  The unhealthy situation is when an individual has no self-worth without some sort of external stimuli or "basis".  Everyone wishes and desires for many things like a great significant other, possessions, a larger salary, great friends, world peace, etc...  It becomes unhealthy when you allow your entire (or majority) self-worth to be a derivative of your ability to acquire or accomplish these things.

I agree with you--the world turns because we scratch each others' backs and look to others/outside ourselves to some degree for validation.  I'm a bit further along in the book now.
I'm beginning to see there's a difference between reciprocal love, charity, compassion and the overbearing concern, caretaking to control in codependency.  Charity and compassion--empathy and selfless giving without attachment to outcome or expectation for favor in return by my definition--Mother Teresa being the extreme example.  Whereas "helping" in codependency is ultimately to get something in return/control the situation or in attempt change the outcome.  And I'm  beginning to see how it's different from a PD.   

[megocean]

I had to laugh today when I realized that I read my bf's horoscope but I don't read my own. 

But anyway, thanks for posting those questions, yeeter. They are very good to reflect upon.