Coming to terms with myself is not easy.

[Think About It...]

     I've been ruminating on the things so many of you have told me.  I feel like talking to each of you individually, but will limit myself to this board for now.
     The one thing that is standing out to me is that there is no love here, just the logistics of living this current creation of a life.  The accuracy of the info you've directed me to is uncanny.  It has helped immensly and I'm at least feeling somewhat better and less alone. 
     I've gotten better about defusing the BPD, but I really hate being in this place.  There is so much I love about this life, (the animals, I'm really an animal person) and I'm going to have to give them up.  It is the only place I share with her that gives pleasure, but since she's a vet, she of course is the authority even when she's wrong.  I guess I coming to find that I've been so thouroughly dominated that I question whether I've ever been good at anything.  I certainly can't remember anytime she's been pleased with anything I do.  On the contrary she's very adept at finding flaws. 
     I've started making preparations for leaving, which is weird to me, but I don't quite know why since she tells me if I don't like this or that situation, I can leave or where the door is.  It's like she's is daring me, but I know when I leave she will just go the opposite direction. 
     I am going to have to look up legal stuff, but I really dread that.  But I have to find it somewhere down inside to stand up for myself.  And with her never seeing the same reality as I see, she's going to color everything in her favor.  And she's very good at looking so sane and mature.  She's a professional. 
     I am 61.  I have always been good with my hands.  I have been a Marine Corps Vietnam Combat Veteran ( which has a psychological stigma) a brick mason, carpenter, cabinetmaker, and finally now a furniture restorer.  My customers love my work.  I have been making my own living for many years.  I have taken on most of the domestic duties of this marriage to the point  where she calls and wants to know whats for dinner.  I've got to go.  There's got to be a better life far from here.  You know, it's hard to feel like a man and complain about being bullied by your wife. 
     I am so glad to have you guys because I've never been able to let this out to this extent before.  Thanks a lot.

[Traverse]

     I've been ruminating on the things so many of you have told me.  I feel like talking to each of you individually, but will limit myself to this board for now.
     The one thing that is standing out to me is that there is no love here, just the logistics of living this current creation of a life.  The accuracy of the info you've directed me to is uncanny.  It has helped immensly and I'm at least feeling somewhat better and less alone. 
     I've gotten better about defusing the BPD, but I really hate being in this place.  There is so much I love about this life, (the animals, I'm really an animal person) and I'm going to have to give them up.  It is the only place I share with her that gives pleasure, but since she's a vet, she of course is the authority even when she's wrong.  I guess I coming to find that I've been so thouroughly dominated that I question whether I've ever been good at anything.  I certainly can't remember anytime she's been pleased with anything I do.  On the contrary she's very adept at finding flaws. 
     I've started making preparations for leaving, which is weird to me, but I don't quite know why since she tells me if I don't like this or that situation, I can leave or where the door is.  It's like she's is daring me, but I know when I leave she will just go the opposite direction. 
     I am going to have to look up legal stuff, but I really dread that.  But I have to find it somewhere down inside to stand up for myself.  And with her never seeing the same reality as I see, she's going to color everything in her favor.  And she's very good at looking so sane and mature.  She's a professional. 
     I am 61.  I have always been good with my hands.  I have been a Marine Corps Vietnam Combat Veteran ( which has a psychological stigma) a brick mason, carpenter, cabinetmaker, and finally now a furniture restorer.  My customers love my work.  I have been making my own living for many years.  I have taken on most of the domestic duties of this marriage to the point  where she calls and wants to know whats for dinner.  I've got to go.  There's got to be a better life far from here.  You know, it's hard to feel like a man and complain about being bullied by your wife. 
     I am so glad to have you guys because I've never been able to let this out to this extent before.  Thanks a lot.

[desperate dutchman]

Only one thing to say individual and community support is esential. I pray for the best for you   

[needbpdhelp]

 Hi! Hi Traverse, welcome to the staying board.

I like the title of this topic - and it definitely applies to us all. Coming to terms with ourselves, and learning how to change our lives for the better, is the most valuable aspect of this web site.

You have already learned that you can't change your wife, convince her that her reality is wrong, stop her from treating you in a demeaning way, etc. You probably already know it, but you will hear it a lot here - the only person you can change is yourself - and until we get our own act together we can't hope to influence positive change in anyone else.

The good news is that by learning to improve our own personal growth and mental health, we often can inspire our partners to work on themselves. Also when we stop trying to defend our own perspectives, the confrontations stop, and there is automatically more peace in the relationship.

My life with my wife was very similar to yours. 20yrs. together, brilliant professional woman too smart to think she had any problems with her own view of reality or her opinions...

And I listened to the rages, and demeaning sarcastic put downs, then defended my own beliefs, actions, and viewpoints - which always made matters worse.

I found this site in 2010, came to realize I needed to work on myself, found the tools to do that, learned about my own negative traits that contributed to our conflict, and started to clean up my own act. I read lots of books, studied lessons on reducing conflict, my wife saw the changes, and now two years later the trust, respect, and happiness in our marriage has returned.

My advice is to stick with it for now; learn some of the lessons for change; listen to the senior member discussions here on the staying board, who are having success using the tools presented here, and see what happens.

One thing for sure, if you learn these lessons well, your own personal growth will help you make better decisions about what to do with your marriage, and be better prepared to carry them out.

Good luck Traverse, and be careful with boundaries. They can be very helpful in some cases, but if not planned and executed properly, they will be received with resentment, as being controlling, distancing, unloving, and invalidating. Learn the lessons here about boundaries.

needBPDhelp

[Dynamic]

Hi Traverse,
You got it right. Coming to terms with ourselves is not easy. I can relate to that except in my case I have a H who is pwBPD.

  I guess I coming to find that I've been so thouroughly dominated that I question whether I've ever been good at anything.  I certainly can't remember anytime she's been pleased with anything I do.  On the contrary she's very adept at finding flaws. 
 

Being treated as a doormat & bossed around brings down one's self esteem & drive to go on with life. It is with sheer determination that I am still standing without going nuts after living in this h$ll for so many years now. BPDs are so good in finding flaws. But even your most constructive comment will give them an excuse to bring the roof down.

But I have to find it somewhere down inside to stand up for myself.  And with her never seeing the same reality as I see, she's going to color everything in her favor.  And she's very good at looking so sane and mature.  She's a professional. 

I am also trying so hard to stand up for myself & not feel guilty or bad about it.  My H is also a high functioning person so noone except me know about his two-sided nature.  I really don't know how he skillfully manages to manipulate everything according to his wishes & then turn the table to put the blame on me for doing the controlling. And here I was thinking that I am a very smart person who knows to study people & handle them.

     There's got to be a better life far from here. 

Like you, I know life is to be enjoyed. Agreed, there will be ups & downs in life. But this no-win situation is not good at all.

You know, it's hard to feel like a man and complain about being bullied by your wife. 

Believe it or not, it is hard being a woman & bullied by your husband. Respect should be mutual & the r/s suffers when the mistake is on the husband or wife. Both man & woman have feelings, which when hurt repeatedly, makes one question their own existence & purpose of life.

I am sure you would have tried/still trying your best to salvage your r/s including going for therapy & using the tools for non BPDs. I am in the process of educating myself about BPD & how to act in a situation like this as a non. It is challenging to change ourselves & go on with life. Hope & diligence will get us to a better place. Hopefully the pwBPD is influenced by our attitude & reactions & their coping skills improve. I wish you good luck & peace of mind.   

[yeeter]

Traverse,

You are not alone.     

The advice here is excellent, and has changed my life.  Indeed, the first step, and focus, is on working on your own self and getting yourself emotionally and physically strong and healthy.  Then you can figure the rest out.

And as a male, I do understand your feelings about being bullied by your wife.  Its certainly the case for me as well (as I have described it to my T - my wife destroyed me as a person )- and the support/acceptance/recognition for it just isnt out there to the same degree as it is for women being bullied/abused by men.  I do believe we will start to see an uptick in awareness of this somewhat hidden problem, but very slowly.

I felt I was choosing between two crappy choices:  Stay and give up major parts of myself/person for the sake of the relationship and children, or leave and subject my children to the irrationality of coparenting with an ex with emotional problems.  I chose to stay, and am trying to adjust to all the implications that the choice brings with it.

Its a journey.  Know that there are many here that are at different stages of the same journey, so use their strength, advise, wisdom and experience.

[needbpdhelp]

Traverse,
(as I have described it to my T - my wife destroyed me as a person )- and the support/acceptance/recognition for it just isnt out there to the same degree as it is for women being bullied/abused by men.  I do believe we will start to see an uptick in awareness of this somewhat hidden problem, but very slowly.

I felt I was choosing between two crappy choices:  Stay and give up major parts of myself/person for the sake of the relationship and children, or leave and subject my children to the irrationality of coparenting with an ex with emotional problems.  I chose to stay, and am trying to adjust to all the implications that the choice brings with it.

I can relate to your feelings Yeeter. I use to fell the same way.

When I finally learned how to to seriously, properly apply tools like radical acceptance and mindful thinking, I realized that except for extreme physical violence, no one can destroy me as a person except myself- it was my reactions to my wife's behavior that destroyed me. I felt I was right, and she was wrong about most issues. She was nuts, and I was sane - but she was driving me crazy.

Now I am getting much better about really living the lesson all children are taught - The Golden Rule - treat others the way you would like them to treat you. This, and other lessons have worked well for me. My self-esteem returned because I started doing the right thing - treating my wife with respect regardless of how she treated me. This and developing a non-judgmental attitude helped me be more empathetic, and understanding of my wife's views, as well as my own contributions to our conflict.

[yeeter]

Indeed needBPDhelp,

The start of recovery, for me, was detachment and establishing a modicum of personal boundaries.  Then self reflection and change of my own behavior to, 'stop making things worse'.

Acceptance I am doing pretty well at in the overall scheme, but there are still days where I confuse lack of acceptance of a behavior (such as when she is bullying our children as an example), with lack of acceptance on who she is (because, in those moments, she IS a bully and thus I DONT accept this).  I try to accept 'reality' - she is, what she is.  Then do the best I can to engage productively.

I 'want' to love her.  And be loved in return.  (treat others the way I want to be treated).  I havent figured this one out, but am just starting with identifying aspects about her that I like, and love.  I 'want' to want to do things with her, and spend time together (and want her to want this in return).  I havent been able to get there on this one... at least not for many activities, because well, they become exercises in surviving them without a melt down. (hence, no longer enjoyable activity)

Yes, no one can destroy me as a person unless I let them.  And I did (my reactions were those of extreme passivity, withdrawl, careful eggshell walking daily).  This took me several years to understand and take action against, and I am now rebuilding myself within the existing environment.  Work to do on this.

Non-judgmental I do pretty well at (again, she just is what/who she is... and for NPD types in particular, this is never going to change to any significant degree)

Our conflicts are much much less.  At the same time, my emotions have all but shut down completely (both good and bad - a defense mechanism).  I need to adjust and find ways to turn them back on while avoiding the conflict/negative aspects of it.  Again, work to do still.