Moving on

[Think About It...]

So it's been 5 months since the xBPDbf and I broke up.  I hardly ever see the x anymore, I try to stay away and respect the NC.  He painted me black and took over half my "friends" with him, which has really hurt.  Apparently everyone thinks, "I am the crazy one."  Even though I am very successful in my professional and graduate school life.  I just attribute them to being jealous.  Now I have been asked out by a couple different people, but the whole thing scares me to death.  I just want to be single, free, get to know me again, flirt, have fun, but not be intimately involved with anyone.  The last one was just too much.  I think I am still recovering from all the arguing and the things he said about me.  I feel like new memories just keep resurfacing, like how after 4 days he said I was the one, that we would get married in a year and have a baby a year later.  I was like, "How can you love me after 4 days?"  He was like, "It's cosmic, GOD has pulled me to you,"  I believe in all this stuff, but it feels like blah, blah, blah to me.  I am afraid to date again.  I am afraid I will feel the in love feelings, but will remember this relationship and just RUN.  How long is this going to take to recover?  How can I get through this faster?

[OneVoice]

So it's been 5 months since the xBPDbf and I broke up.  I hardly ever see the x anymore, I try to stay away and respect the NC.  He painted me black and took over half my "friends" with him, which has really hurt.  Apparently everyone thinks, "I am the crazy one."  Even though I am very successful in my professional and graduate school life.  I just attribute them to being jealous.  Now I have been asked out by a couple different people, but the whole thing scares me to death.  I just want to be single, free, get to know me again, flirt, have fun, but not be intimately involved with anyone.  The last one was just too much.  I think I am still recovering from all the arguing and the things he said about me.  I feel like new memories just keep resurfacing, like how after 4 days he said I was the one, that we would get married in a year and have a baby a year later.  I was like, "How can you love me after 4 days?"  He was like, "It's cosmic, GOD has pulled me to you,"  I believe in all this stuff, but it feels like blah, blah, blah to me.  I am afraid to date again.  I am afraid I will feel the in love feelings, but will remember this relationship and just RUN.  How long is this going to take to recover?  How can I get through this faster?

[ellil]

Hi OneVoice, congratulations on recognizing you DON'T WANT to date yet! You say you want to be "single, free, get to know me again, flirt, have fun, but not be intimately involved with anyone." I think this sounds wonderful for you. And I am exactly where you are, except the flirting part, but I'm probably way older than you  

Recovery is different for each one of us and depends on all the different factors. I was only with my ex a year, but I have issues to come to terms with that happened almost 50 years ago. Maybe someone else was with their ex 40 years, maybe others have less to deal with, so there's no way to know how long your recovery will take.

Do you know where you are in the grieving process? I remember one of the Advisors had a thread asking us this and it was a good exercise for me. Here's the Workshop here: Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss explaining it.

M

[soul]

Hi One voice, i know what you mean. I have been out for around 15 months, and I am happy to be single, and find out who i am now, at this age, at this time in my life. I can't pretend that there is a little worry about getting involved with anyone again. And I too have been asked out, and although I happy going out for a walk, or a meal at home. I don't feel like being in a relationship. It was so distorted and broken for so long, I just feel better being single.

I also don't feel that I need to be in a relationship, almost as though on has to be in a relationship. Its ok being single, and I can't be with someone because I don't want to be alone. I want to be with someone because I love them, and hopefully love me back. With growth comes change, and I can no longer be the person i used to be. I am more wary, more experienced, and therefore no rushing to get involved again.

[O'Maria]

I moved to another city after I left my ex "Mr Insane". When I got away from him, I started to feel so much better. I saw a counselor, I read books, and I blocked his number. I also got rid of everything that reminded me of him or our time together.

The emotionally (and in my case also physically) abusive environment made me so weak and destroyed my self esteem that it took some effort to leave, but once I was out, I started to heal. The whole idea with abuse is to make the victim weak, if she feels strong, she will leave (like all normal people would to protect themselves). The longer you stay around a controlling and cruel person the more time you need to heal. When I talked to people who knew my ex that he had treated every woman in his life with complete lack of empathy and respect, I started to see his true colors. I also got a lot of help from my counselor and from people on this board. After all, abusive relationships, and mental disorders have something in common, it's a pattern, but it's hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of the daily turbulence.

Freedom is wonderful, although I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I just believe it's important to heal and put up boundaries so that you don't end up in another abusive relationship.