Need advice

[Think About It....]

Am seeing my ex for the first time in weeks, only so I can see her 4 year old child. How do I ensure that I do nt re engage? Any advice?

[kittybutler]

Am seeing my ex for the first time in weeks, only so I can see her 4 year old child. How do I ensure that I do nt re engage? Any advice?

[Thepatman]

I'm far from being an expert so just take what you need from this and leave the rest.

Maybe ask yourself why do you want to do this? and what it will accomplish for all of you? I know and feel you have developped a bond with the child, it's normal. But think of the bond you have also with the ex. They are both deep but one is healthy and maybe the other not so much.
The child my be a catalist to start something reallt not healthy, the child is priority1 and should be in my opinion. She is attached to you.

My feeling for you my friend is that re engagement will be difficult. The child might channel deep emotions within you. Sorting both relationship's will be hard to process and distinguish. A BPD is already so difficult, adding that layer with the child might only confuse you more.

Tried NC before?

In any case, everyone here is awsome and have helped me so much. Maybe a veteran might help more.

Take care, sincerelly

[SHolloway]

Hi kittybutler, I understand about wanting to see her child but having contact never leads anywhere productive for us.  I had moved forward very effectively these last six months, had accepted he's damaged and I deserve better, was on the way to healing, feeling good again and then I made the mistake of reengaging in conversations with him the last two weeks.  Now I'm left feeling rotten, humiliated and more angry than I've ever felt.  It's all due to reconnecting.  Even though it was just talking with him, it set me back, I was much better off staying far away.  I'm wondering why you are seeing the child, will you be in a group or are you reconnecting alone for this purpose?  Just curious.   

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Thepatman]

SHolloway, I've avoided contact this week exept for a couple of emails. Helping me at the same time as kittybutler.

You both take care, I will try hard also. So hard not to contact her. It's like a constant mental war of what the heart tells me and my head. Think my head is stronger then my heart latelly.


 

[seeking balance]

I am going to suggest you take this question to the parenting with pwBPD board.  That will help much more than leaving folks.  Let me know if you want to start a new thread or have me move this one.

[SHolloway]

Hi Thepatman, your advice was right on as well.  I think you are absolutely right, depending on the circumstances, the child may be used in order to reengage.  I am curious to know what the reasons are for getting together with the child.  Hang in there Thepatman, this process seems to be one step forward, three steps back, we just have to keep trying to make the right decisions, dust ourselves off when we make mistakes and try once again.  Take care both of you! 

[kittybutler]

I am going to suggest you take this question to the parenting with pwBPD board.  That will help much more than leaving folks.  Let me know if you want to start a new thread or have me move this one.

If you can move this one please, many thanks

[kittybutler]

Thanks for your replies, I have been in the child's life since she was 2 months old, in a way she felt like my child. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and I think this is why I want to do it. I do not want to get back with my ex, and I don't want her child used as a tool, am meeting in a playground so hopefully other people will be around.

I also don't want the child to feel I've abandoned her, am worried it would hurt her.

[SHolloway]

Hi again kittybutler, I hope I didn't sound unkind, I was just worried she might be trying to reengage you.  I understand about the little girl and why you would want to see her.  I have two children of my own so this is something that is very close to my heart.  We were just looking out for you and not wanting you to be harmed.  Unfortunately we've all been hurt many times by reconnecting.  I hope that it works out for you, take care.

[kittybutler]

Hi again kittybutler, I hope I didn't sound unkind, I was just worried she might be trying to reengage you.  I understand about the little girl and why you would want to see her.  I have two children of my own so this is something that is very close to my heart.  We were just looking out for you and not wanting you to be harmed.  Unfortunately we've all been hurt many times by reconnecting.  I hope that it works out for you, take care.

No you didn't sound unkind, I valued what you had to say, thank you for your words, I will take care. Can I ask as you have children, do you think me seeing her again is a good idea, or should I just walk away, what would be easier for her do you think? I want do best by the child, we had a good relationship and would spend time playing and reading together, especially Dora the explorer!

[SHolloway]

kittybutler, this is a tough one.  You've been in her life since she was a baby, if you can do this without allowing yourself to reattach to your ex then maybe it can work.  Unfortunately what Thepatman said is very valid, there is a strong possibility that your ex is using this as a recycle attempt.  She's only four years old thankfully and at that age they have a wonderful resilience, they tend to move on more easily than if she was older.  I wish I had a magical answer, you obviously love this child and it's hard for me to tell you never to see her again, that would be like ripping your heart out.  I know how I would feel if someone told me I couldn't see my children again and it doesn't matter that she's not yours biologically, she's a part of you anyway.  Follow your heart but be smart, that's the best advice I can give you.     

[kittybutler]

Faith2heal, thank you for your words. 

[SHolloway]

kittybutler, keep us posted on what you decide and how it goes if you see them.  I'll be thinking of you.   faith 

[SHolloway]

kittybutler, I'm curious, did you meet with them and if so, how did it go?

[kittybutler]

Hi faith,
Yeah I did meet with them, it went well, she let me take her child on my own, spent four playing and enjoying the sun. It was hard seeing her but she didn't do anything bad. I was relieved, Just hoping it stays that way. Thank you for asking. Hope you are ok too 

[SHolloway]

Hi kittybutler, I'm so happy that it went well for you!  I hope that you will have many more moments in the future! 
Take care!