Hi goinbonkers,
I am still in the phase now how I am PO'd about my stbxBPDw justed walk away from our marriage and skipped along to another person, like it ain't nothing.
I can sympathize with being angry about having been betrayed like that. It is appropriate to be angry.
Some people tell me to wish her well but I do not want to wish her well.
Well, they're just putting the cart ahead of the horse. Mayhap one day you might be in a position to wish her well, but now isn't that time. It would be inappropriate to wish well, someone who just abandoned you.
I want her to hurt, like me. I want her to be in pain, like me. I want her to be lonely, like me.
Part of learning to accept and (eventually) tolerate what happened to you, may be to learn to accept that she is nothing like you, she never was. She only pretended to be like you, because it was important for her to enmesh with you.
So in a sense she does hurt, just not like you do. She is in pain, just not in the way you are. And she does feel lonely, just not for the reasons you feel lonely. She suffers from BPD and that puts her in a totally different ballpark. If you are curious what they go through, you might look at some of the BPD support forums. And chances are, your stbxBPDw is no where near the point to even begin recovery.
I was instructed by therapists to stay out of a relationship until I work on me but BPDw just jumps right on into one. It just doesn't seem fair how some people can just wiggle in and out of relationships like it ain't no big thing.
It's not fair that some people are disordered.
It is important to realize that it is appropriate to be devastated and emotionally unavailable after an experience such as yours. The fact that your stbxBPDw can just start a brand new relationship without dealing with any of the emotional consequences of ending a marriage is a symptom of her disorder. There are long term consequences for not dealing with her emotional baggage; it just isn't apparent to most people. You might get a glimpse of what that baggage is, if you don't take care of yourself and try to just "tough it out."
I got involved in a relationship too soon after the ending of my BPD relationship, and I think it cost me what would have otherwise been a pretty good relationship.
Me thinking she is just running around tripping the lights fantastic is all in assumption. Maybe she is hurting. I dunno. I don't really want to talk to her and hear her horror stories. Last email I got from her a couple of months ago was part divorce talk, then the rest was her problems.
By leaving the relationship she has relieved you of any responsibility or obligation to see to her emotional well-being. That doesn't mean she won't try to have her cake and eat it too. Remind her that her problems belong to her, and not to you.
I guess I feel if she wasn't happy, she'd want to stop the divorce and come back and make things work out or at least work on herself. Not get into a relationship.
Again, don't make the mistake of assuming that she processes emotions in the same way that you do. For someone with BPD, I think they can be plenty happy triangulating
(read definition) between two different partners in a forever limbo of ambiguous interpersonal relationships.
For now, while things are working out for her with the other person, she may proceed with the divorce. But because of the nature of her disorder, she may begin to devalue her current interest and try to recycle her relationship with you. It may be in her interest to delay and defer the divorce. In any case, so long as she has either one of you to be her emotional scapegoat, she has little motivation to "work on herself."
I can honestly say if I knew she was having a hard time like I am, I probably wouldn't be so pissed off.
If you believed that she was having a difficult time, then you might think that she is/was as attached to you as you are to her. But because she is disordered, her attachments are wired very differently from yours. If she were having a hard time like you, then she might actually be more like you (and not disordered). And then you wouldn't need to learn to accept that she is disordered.
I guess I feel that if she was hurting or whatever I wish on her, she'd be working on herself, and staying out of a relationship like I am. Maybe that's where the grand assumption is coming from.
It is her choice whether or not to work on herself. And she will bear the long term consequences of her actions or inactions. Just as it is your choice to work on yourself, or not.
I read someone else on here had a similar story, wanting the other person to be hurting as much as they are yet the other person grabbed a replacement and all is well (so it seems).
It just sucks. It sucks big time.
It does suck for many reasons, whether or not they are hurting. I would say that what sucks for them is that they are only repeating their "pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationship characterized by idealization and devaluation." They are still in the thick of their disorder. And here are a few things that suck for them: unrecovered, they will never be able to feel secure in any way with *any* intimate relationship of import. They will always be plagued by their *imagined* fear of abandonment. So it doesn't matter how ideal the next person they find, they will always be forced to deal with their disordered feelings. And until they accept that they have a problem, they will be stuck believing that the problem is with the other person.
Yes I know people tell me, she is not happy because pwBPD are in constant pain each and every day 24/7.
They're not in constant pain. But for people whom it may be very important to find their "soul mate" they are destined never to feel the way they want (for very long), so long as they do not work on themselves.
I understand that but someone in pain 24/7 would take steps to work on the pain, and also the last thing they would want to do is get into another relationship. So I have a hard time believing that the pain is all that bad.
This may be true assuming their issues are the same as our issues. And assuming that their pain is the same as our pain. There is a reason why pwBPD have a much higher suicide rate than non-disordered people.
Best wishes, Schwing
