Her new boyfriend emailed me

[Think About It...]

AboveBeyond, what a thing to have to deal with!

Thank you for reminding me why I went completely NC as soon as I heard she was with someone else (all contact was initiated by her).  Because I knew that pressing her, demanding any kind of honesty, self-exposure or closure ran the risk of the kind of c**p you've just been through: a move of the whole thing into a male locked-horns battle, egged on by a "victim" female.  "Oh, he's being such a psycho, stalking me, saying such bad things!"  And I knew I wouldn't be able to win such a fight, because there's no truth in it.  I'd feel sorry for the guy who was "protecting" her!

Better to just retreat from the whole toxic situation and lick my own wounds.

I didn't do better than you.  I just didn't face the same provocation, and I'm thankful for it.

I think in your situation I'd have done the same, just to speak my own truth; and then, given up and walked away.

[nonhere]

AboveBeyond, what a thing to have to deal with!

Thank you for reminding me why I went completely NC as soon as I heard she was with someone else (all contact was initiated by her).  Because I knew that pressing her, demanding any kind of honesty, self-exposure or closure ran the risk of the kind of c**p you've just been through: a move of the whole thing into a male locked-horns battle, egged on by a "victim" female.  "Oh, he's being such a psycho, stalking me, saying such bad things!"  And I knew I wouldn't be able to win such a fight, because there's no truth in it.  I'd feel sorry for the guy who was "protecting" her!

Better to just retreat from the whole toxic situation and lick my own wounds.

I didn't do better than you.  I just didn't face the same provocation, and I'm thankful for it.

I think in your situation I'd have done the same, just to speak my own truth; and then, given up and walked away.

[GlennT]

If you want to take back your power and get respect from them again, you must continually reinforce your NC barriers and your boundary markers. Say NO to all of their recycling, abuse, isolation, triangulation (read definition), cheating, lying, money issues, help with meds, therapy etc. You will earn peace of mind and respect from them in time when you do this.

[LoveNYC]

Good for you!

This doesn't count as breaking NC.

I think this is an A+ for you - if it saved him even a fraction of the drama and misery they've caused us, it's well worth it.

I wish someone had warned me with specifics.

[oletimefeelin]

This post made me cringe.  I understand your anger.  No doubt it's perfectly valid.  I'm more concerned, though, with restoring your dignity that's surely taken a hit in the dissolution of this relationship.  This hardly seems like the right outlet.  Bitterness in general is a tremendously unattractive trait.  Consider the message you're sending here?  Clearly, the ex is pulling the strings here.  She had the new guy friend you to mess with you and also snoop.  You for whatever reason decided to dabble in chinese water torture that day and accept his request.  He unfriends you and you quickly ask what gives.  Then you rail on your ex through this person.  You're communicating to her how much you still care.  You gave her what she wants, a reaction. 

These people make us do things that are out of character.  They get the best of us.  That's why in my eyes the only way to respond is to say nothing at all or to act as though you no longer give a sht.  The first is the safest and easiest course.  The second packs the biggest punch. 

The ex is the asshole here not the dude.  He's a pawn just like you were.  That's the most important thing gleaned from this interaction.  Nothing has changed.  You already knew this, though.  Seeing it in living color should assist you as you move forward.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[1brokenwing]

Thoroughly enjoyed your post and lived vicariously through it.  You sound self-assured, smart, articulate and certain...like you've gotten your self back after that BPD ride from hell! If he only got that you guys are like frikkin brother at arms! I think contact with replacement not same as contact with the BPD.  He drew first blood really. So what's wrong with finishing it and getting a little closure as well?  You sound resolved and I ain't EVEN worried about you! Peace out. 

[Rise]

I did not initiate.

He may have requested you on FB, but you did accept it. And you did send the first e-mail. And then you responded. While you didn't initiate, you played your part in the escalation. Just be honest about the role you did play. You didn't get backed into a corner. You had other options. You had three different chances to let this go. He may have opened the door, but you seemed pretty eager to step through it. If you were looking for an excuse to tell him or your ex off, that's fine. I for one couldn't blame you. Just don't act like you weren't looking for something like this to happen. If this made you feel better, then I'm glad. I really do hope this is your victory lap, and not just another go around the track. I just don't want to see you get pulled back into a bad situation after all your hard work getting out.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I did something similiar, but in person while she was hiding like a child in a public bathroom(I didn't realize she was there at the time). I didn't realize it was him until he asked me if I had a message for her then I got the situation. I let him know in a nice way that I would appreciate the stuff she stole from me, the money she owed me. Ooh and by the way when' you thought you were a couple we were still having sex. I then very causally walked away.

This whole situation was about as trailer trash as you can imagine. I am happy with that exchange, but I still shake my head that I every allowed myself to be involved with a person like that.

Never again will I think so little of myself that I will allow something like that to engage me. When I think of it I feel the need to go take a shower.

[abovebeyond]

Rise & Oldtimefeeling,

For a board that has so many agonizing stories of defeat, I find it really odd that you guys would get picky about who contacted who first or other finicky details. It might not be your mode of dealing with it, but it was mine this week. And it worked. For me.  Make NO mistake, it was victory lap. Trust me. . He hit me up first and THEN went on the uninformed offensive. Over stepping his bounds TWICE. Granted my theatrical description of "napalm" may have given you the wrong idea about the reply. In my case, napalm = truth, not anger. My reply was measured, calm, even funny and factual, and somewhat understated for a person whose had their guts ripped out over a 5 yr engagement, where the break up went down a week after setting a date to get married. My ex most probably had nothing to do with the friend request, and in all probability was upset that replacement did it, and in my guesstimation ordered him to rescind it. WhY? Because the last thing she wants is him talking to me and giving him a big heavy dose of the truth about her, the situation, and this continuing BPD pattern in her life (she's done this many times - 3 ex husbands, 4 kids).

I'm not bitter. Pissed off occasionally, The ONLY reaction she wants from me is to shut up and be silent.

So once again, VICTORY LAP! I still feel good. No regrets, because I did nothing to be ashamed of. Just facts, warnings about triangulation (read definition), and a "shove off" closing paragraph wherein I state in no uncertain terms that any and all future attempts to debate and/or communicate with me are ill-advised and insulting. Bye Bye. See ya later. Enjoy the ride. But leave me out of it.

I truly hope this small episode empowers other people on this board to STAND up for themselves, take no crap, put any & all who attempt to take advantage of our giving natures in their place. That's it. Plain and simple. I wallowed in it for 3 months, went through 3 previous recycles with her, went partially into debt, and a bunch of other stuff. Enough is ENOUGH. She does not have power over me anymore.

I agree that NC is necessary for our exBPDs. But if the replacement - who has no power over you or historical sway - steps in? Show them where the door is. If the ex happens to learn about it, who cares? Even better. I don't care either way. NO one walks on me, ever again.

Both you guys deserve a victory lap as well. Do it in whatever way that suits you. I'd LOVE to hear about it. I will root you on. We're all defeated. NC isn't a religion. And I ain't a church lady. But don't try to tell me what MY victory means to ME or how it effects my exBPD, because I KNOW it means. Nobody can take the small victories from us. It means we've turned the corner and are no longer hanging on to any measly shreds of magical thinking or whatever. I know, I've done that stuff too. And it ain't fun. And I know now that not much changes. I've come a long way in 3 months and I did it stone sober. No crutches.

This is my victory - I'm still enjoying it. Now go get your's - and make it work for you. Quit sobbing in the darkness and turn that corner. Any way you can. You can do it.

Peace/Love

[2010]

Hello abovebeyond, Hi!

It sounds like this was an excellent closure for you. I hope you_

[bpdlover]

2010 always has a good point or five. Go for another shape, triangles don't work. I had several friend requests about six months ago and decided after a while to block and delete. Make sure you use privacy settings as fb is for friends not gamers. Because there are so many lies and emotional confusion surrounding a borderline relationship, it is important to end with a full stop. NC for third parties! No consolation but his day will come.

[Mauser]

Triangulation (read definition) is a b!tch. I've never dealt with bs like that before.

Honestly I don't think I could have NC'ed that either. I really don't.

Poor, poor misguided new guy. He really is just a sock puppet in her game.

I remember thinking about my ex's exes when we first met ... they were some of the most horrible people ever, who had mistreated him so badly *faint strains of violin solo*   I hated them like I never hated ex's exes before.

Then I experienced the ambient abuse and abuse by proxy (even when we were dating! Married even!)  His entire posse- friends, family- were horrid to me. HORRID. To the point of harassment, trespassing, repeated vandalism (well, I can only assume. But the time lines fit). His adult daughters attacked me.  His female BFF wouldn't meet with me ever because she kept having nightmares I was going to kill her. (serious WTH moment there).   The sad thing is, no one was talked into it.  He didn't ask or tell anyone to do stuff. They did it on their own- because they had to protect him.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

[bpdlover]

Sock puppets are cute. He is not a sock puppet. Try a pawn. If they can recruit groups of proxies then one would have to question both the sanity and health of the enablers also. Er, including us. Get far away. Triangulation (read definition) = gossip. Disneyland anybody? A grotesque voyeuristic freak show. I sent an email to my ex a week after she split me black telling her that I was relieved to be out of all the gossip. How can a person develop an identity when they depend on others for it?

[Mauser]

Sock puppets are cute. He is not a sock puppet. Try a pawn.

Actually, the worst of them I call his flying monkeys.

[1brokenwing]

2010 should right a book.

[nylonsquid]

2010 should right a book.

Let's start a petition. 2010 has brilliant insight!

[nylonsquid]

Above and Beyond-

I commend you for doing whatever works for you but my feeling is you won't know if it was the right thing until much later. I hope it does work for you.

In my case, I thought NC is the way to go. I stuck to it and researched and read during a month but she kept messaging until I broke NC. Looking back, it was the right choice. I broke NC another time actually and looking back again, I don't regret it. I needed to dump my pain on to her. Just to tell her how I felt. Though she apologized, cried, admitted her wrong and was suffering because her dad was dying, I honestly did not feel she was genuine. As always saying and acting what she thinks I want to hear. It's a big theatrical act and the only reason she contacts me is to check my availability for supply when things go wrong with my replacement. I understand it's nothing personal but I still needed to see things for myself.

What has worked for me is to tell her the times where I was hurt. A few weeks ago we met and I told her one story about the pain she caused me and half way through I started bawling. It was such a sad story that I couldn't finish it and I didn't even realize I was gonna cry. Well, looking back, I don't care what she thought or felt but what mattered is me getting that out of my system. I just needed to say it and cry. Had I not done that I would have carried it with me. Heck, I'll see her again if I feel I need to. Just be aware. I feel I am. I'm aware this is a game. I'm aware I am supply. I'm aware that when she hugged me and cried it was for herself. The tears were not real to me because they were for herself. Her love as not real to me because it was for herself. This isn't my definition of love. However, I do love her for who she is and wish her well. I will stick around but I won't initiate, try or hope for a future. She will come back when she needs supply and I will provide it if I'm available. She will feel hurt by whatever I do regardless and will run away. I accept all this and understand it's part of her silly little childish game. I'm not out to hurt her but I will play the part because at this point to me, it's kind of absurd and I may need her if I feel like venting or putting my hurt on to her.

Just be aware of her and yourself and accept the situation as it really is. Good luck!

[Rise]

Rise & Oldtimefeeling,

For a board that has so many agonizing stories of defeat, I find it really odd that you guys would get picky about who contacted who first or other finicky details. It might not be your mode of dealing with it, but it was mine this week. And it worked. For me.

...But don't try to tell me what MY victory means to ME or how it effects my exBPD, because I KNOW what it means.  

Above,
I was not trying to tell you how to feel. I was genuine when I said I hope what you did truly makes you feel better. If this is what you needed to feel better, than it's what you needed to feel better, and I'm not passing judgement on that. I did not mean to imply what you did was wrong. And my point was not to diminish your ex's new boyfriend's new role in this. He played his part (as I'm sure your ex had her role to play, whether directly or indirectly, as well) in this too. What you said isn't incorrect. He did start it.  He clearly stepped over a line and had no business telling you how you screwed up a relationship he had nothing to do with.

Just reading your posts, it seemed a little like you were playing innocent. It felt like you were saying that you didn't see this coming at all, and you didn't make the decision to tell him what-for until after he attacked you, while at the same time I got the sense you were really just looking for an excuse to send that e-mail right from the beginning. Her boyfriend just happened to oblige you. If that's the case, that's fine too. Seriously. I'm not going to judge you for that. Hell, I have done it before myself. Who could blame you for feeling that way, if you did? My point was, just own your actions and their motivations. Be honest about your own role. My contention was never with the actions you took. It was with the acknowledgement of those actions. That being said, I will admit, I may be completely wrong about all of this. It's sometimes tough to pick up an author's intended tone, and I am more than capable of misinterpreting things. If I have, I really am truly sorry.

I was also speaking honestly when I said I do hope this is you "victory lap". I really do hope the best for you. I'm not trying to imply that you're going to, but just be wary of getting pulled back in to your ex's chaos. It happens to the best of us sometimes, and can happen subtly, and swiftly, before you even know what's going on, if you aren't on guard for it.  As I said in my last post, I do hope the best for you. I know you've made progress, and I just don't want to see you, or anyone for that matter, have that progress undone.  That's all.

This is my victory - I'm still enjoying it. Now go get your's - and make it work for you. Quit sobbing in the darkness and turn that corner. Any way you can. You can do it.

Peace/Love

Thank you for the support. I like to think every day I get up and have a good day is my own little victory.

Stay strong, and keep enjoying your victory. You have earned it.

-Rise


 

And for the record I haven't sobbed in weeks.

[abovebeyond]

Thanks to all you guys, Rise, 2010, BPD Lover, Mauser,  1brokenwing, Ex-Vamp-Slayer, Love NYC, Oldtimefeelin.

You don't realize it but you guys are my family and heroes over the past 3 months. I'm new here, but been lurking since Feb.

2010, you should indeed write a book. That's a hefty reply with a ton of hard earned knowledge in it. You should know that my reply to the replacement was mostly about triangulation (read definition) and our role in it. I lit him up a somewhat on the "bad person" stuff but I realize it's all part of their game. I know this because it's the same thing she did to me in regards to the guy BEFORE ME. He was the bad guy, jerk. I was the savior. But having been in a few other RS where the gf talks bad about the previous ex, I knew it was suspect to subjective interpretation and steered clear of it. In fact, as time went on, and I heard more stories about the guy I replaced, I started to like him more and realize he wasn't a bad guy and did a lot of selfless things for her. But remember, I never contacted him and kept my focus on she and I.

Regardless, as I've said before. There's so much DEFEAT upon those of us on this board, sniveling and broken, i encourage everyone to do the work, be healthy, and take the power back. Take it BACK.

I really need to hear this from time to time from other - could be my military background. But for the men on this board, it is especially disconcerting to be SO BEATEN. I know it is equally hard on women, if not more so. But for GOOD STRONG CARING men to experience this kind of defeat, is just world shattering.

What is it to be a man in the modern world? We're expected to be strong and protective and yet also sensitive. To have this trojan horse of BPD come in and shatter us is mind blowing.

We are strong, caring people, otherwise we would not be on this site doing the research and learning.

Take YOUR POWER BACK!

[Mauser]

AB- Although I'm a female,  I do "get" the difference that society sees in men vs women and how they deal with r/s, pain, trauma, etc.  I'm a vet, and my pwBPD is a vet, too. I get the whole "suck it up and drive on" mentality. Emotions get us killed. We're not supposed to let this kind of thing affect us- especially the males.  I don't appreciate the double standard that's out there... but it is what it is.

Continue to be a sensitive, caring guy- it's what makes us human, not emotionless robots. Don't let the trojan horse change who you are at the core.

[Happiest]

I really need to hear this from time to time from other - could be my military background. But for the men on this board, it is especially disconcerting to be SO BEATEN. I know it is equally hard on women, if not more so. But for GOOD STRONG CARING men to experience this kind of defeat, is just world shattering.
What is it to be a man in the modern world? We're expected to be strong and protective and yet also sensitive. To have this trojan horse of BPD come in and shatter us is mind blowing.

Its called emotional castration. Its not nice at all and I see a lot of men (I'm a massage therapist) who have had this happen to them. Sad