Her new boyfriend emailed me

[Think About It...]

I've been nc for 2 mo. Last week my replacement hit me up on FB for a friend request. I'm like, What the H? F-it, I approved it, just out of curiosity to see what the hell was going on. Next day, he unfriends me. Ok. I stew on it a day then message him: asking what the H is going on with his little peekaboo routine and basically telling him to F off and get lost. Few days pass. He writes back with a line of Horse S filtered through my ex-BPD GF, saying, "Would you please stop texting / calling her. (which I am not) It' sad. You could have still had her if you'd been a better human being." He even refers to her as his bride to be. Obviously, she's feeding him a good line of Horse S and working the triangulation (read definition). They're already engaged. Just like we were 60 days before him. A-hole. I had a week long debate in my head as to how or if I would respond.

I know the elder members on this board would've advised me to drop it and not engage. And I considered that. Seriously. But he opened the door. So I thought good and long about it. And then I dropped the whole load of intellectual napalm on him. The missive went from calm cool, factual, burning sarcastic to dead serious and back again; short historical analysis. Flamed him on the "better human being" stuff and called into question his ethical lapses in the equation. I didn't mention anything about BPD to him - let him figure that out, just like i did. But I gave him some hints as what's to come, strap in buddyboy, "Hold your hat, and your hanky."

Strangely enough I felt better afterward. It actually gave me some late in the game closure. And it was a good opportunity to send a return shot over their wobbly bow, saying, "I'm doing great now. And NOBODY (meaning her) WILL EVER treat me that way again. It's a new world, now."


Felt goooood.

[abovebeyond]

I've been nc for 2 mo. Last week my replacement hit me up on FB for a friend request. I'm like, What the H? F-it, I approved it, just out of curiosity to see what the hell was going on. Next day, he unfriends me. Ok. I stew on it a day then message him: asking what the H is going on with his little peekaboo routine and basically telling him to F off and get lost. Few days pass. He writes back with a line of Horse S filtered through my ex-BPD GF, saying, "Would you please stop texting / calling her. (which I am not) It' sad. You could have still had her if you'd been a better human being." He even refers to her as his bride to be. Obviously, she's feeding him a good line of Horse S and working the triangulation (read definition). They're already engaged. Just like we were 60 days before him. A-hole. I had a week long debate in my head as to how or if I would respond.

I know the elder members on this board would've advised me to drop it and not engage. And I considered that. Seriously. But he opened the door. So I thought good and long about it. And then I dropped the whole load of intellectual napalm on him. The missive went from calm cool, factual, burning sarcastic to dead serious and back again; short historical analysis. Flamed him on the "better human being" stuff and called into question his ethical lapses in the equation. I didn't mention anything about BPD to him - let him figure that out, just like i did. But I gave him some hints as what's to come, strap in buddyboy, "Hold your hat, and your hanky."

Strangely enough I felt better afterward. It actually gave me some late in the game closure. And it was a good opportunity to send a return shot over their wobbly bow, saying, "I'm doing great now. And NOBODY (meaning her) WILL EVER treat me that way again. It's a new world, now."


Felt goooood.

[ellil]

So take the late in the game closure and run with it. So if a friend request comes in again, ignore it. Move on with your own life again, and deal with yourself.

What will you do if he/they try to make contact with you again or respond to your "intellectual napalm?"

And if you think you will respond, what will actually end this whole thing (short of them being wiped off the planet)?

M

[WallyGator]

Dude, just walk away.  Anytime you swim in the unhappiness of someone else your risk losing part of yourself.  There is no happiness there for you.  None.  

Whatever she took from you is gone.  G-O-N-E.  Now, go replace it with something better (and I am not talking about another relationship).  Anger is one of the many roots of evil.  Rise above.  Go sit quietly in a church pew over lunch and meditate and pray.  Soothe your soul.  

This other guy...God bless him.  

[abovebeyond]

Delete it. I dropped my napalm. There wasn't a lot anger in the message. I gathered a lot of hard won intelligence out in the field, learning the hard way about this BPD stuff. I deserve to speak my mind to whomever I want. Especially after what all of us go through. If it just so happens to be the replacement. Fine. Just know when to quit it.

I'm already down the road. This was just a victory lap.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ellil]

You not bringing BPD into the situation probably avoided a heckuva lotta hassle for you! That was my mistake--my napalm included the BPD bomb. That backfired.

You were smarter than I.

It's a brand new day for you now...run with it

M

[seeking balance]

to summarize:
This guy is now with your ex - he friends you
He unfriends you
You respond, thus getting him to respond again
He is now rescuing ex and you are the bad guy

Use this closure you feel to take control of your life, and simply keep him out of yours.  Delete
 and take the power back.

It is simple triangulation (read definition) - nothing more, nothing less.  But, if this helps you move forward...use it and don't look back.

[wrangler1217]

These people are children.  They want attention.  Just like a celebrity says, "There's no such thing as bad publicity".  It's the same thing with these people.  There's no such thing as bad attention.  

I remember playing with my sister when I was little.  She would say very mean things to me, and it would make me upset.  So, I would always say mean things back and we would get into a fight.  My reaction was what she was expecting, shifting attention to her.  Watch what happens when you respond with something they're not expecting or don't respond at all.  You'll get a "CAN NOT PROCESS - SYSTEM OVERLOAD" type reaction out of them.  

[abovebeyond]

I did and I will. One of the hints was a very terse mention of triangulation (read definition) and how whatever reality he is responding too is not mine.

As mentioned before, I know the elders will disagree with me responding (much respect to them), but I think every now and then, if they engage, you take the power back. I did not initiate. In this case, I think my silence would've implied some guilt. So I thought long and hard, and decided to turn it into a victory lap. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The only reason I posted this was to show (at least in this one small, screwy instance) you can take your power back. In many different ways.

I've spent the past two months going to 3 hr group meetings 3-4 nights a week, plus therapy, NO rebounds, plus a LOT of reading, plus working a F/T job & getting a promotion, plus a night job, CODA 12 steps, plus these boards (which are great). I'm doing the work. I pray and meditate everyday for everyone involved. It has been a long hard road out of hell, but I'm getting better everyday. Can't believe how far I've come in 3 months.

Take the power back, people.

[HostNoMore]

Abovebeyond:

I would not say he is an a-hole but more of her human sock puppet.  

Unfortunately, you got involved in her triangulation (read definition) attempt as seeking balance has pointed out to us.

However, since you felt a little closure that is a good thing for your healing.

Keep up the NC, and you're heading in the right direction too.  I kind of did the same thing when mine contacted me on St. V's Day just to prove something to myself which I did. 

However, I quickly learned that breaking NC hurts me so the elders are right.

[redfeather]

 Hi!
Aboveandbeyond...Good for you! We all need to do what works for ourselves as we go through the healing process but I for one commend you! I think many times these people do need to be exposed for the frauds, charlatans, emotional vampires that they are. And also kudos for driving home the message to your replacement that hey guy you arent so special though you think from your lofty perch upon your pedestal you are! But the day awaits you when YOU TOO will be facedown in the dirt after she kicks your ass off the aforementioned pedestal. Now leave her to her madness. She amply deserves it. 

[seeking balance]

As mentioned before, I know the elders will disagree with me responding (much respect to them), but I think every now and then, if they engage, you take the power back. I did not initiate. In this case, I think my silence would've implied some guilt. So I thought long and hard, and decided to turn it into a victory lap. Nothing more. Nothing less.

There is no right or wrong - nor any judgement, we all have our own path.  If this contact makes you feel better in this moment, use it as a springboard. 
Be mindful much more contact will take away the power that you feel - so use what you have now is all that this elder is saying 

You are being triangulated, it is nothing more, nothing less.  I found knowing the facts and where I was in the "drama" was freeing to keep moving forward.

[abovebeyond]

Thanks so much to you guys who understand. I just re-read my message to replacement (double checking for references to overt anger and mean-spirited stuff ...) and I now realize that most of my reply is talking about triangulation (read definition). Go figure. I must've cut out a lot of the other stuff. I revised it about 20x.  

I agree, there is no rulebook to recovery. Everything involves some improvisation. Do what feels right for you. Confer with your close friends, as I did, in regards to situations like this. My closest friend, whose been with me through all of this, gave it the okay. In  fact, he's the one who actually said "drop the napalm."

I still get sad and have What the F? moments. Still moments of shock and disbelief. But Everyday away from them is a victory. And I know every Non on this board deserves a victory - we're givers and we deserve so much more. I read so many broken stories like mine over and over on this Board, and sometimes I want to scream at myself & others, "GET UP OFF YOUR A** and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN DO IT." I need to hear that sometimes.

Pray for them, but pray for YOURSELF more.

[HostNoMore]

But Everyday away from them is a victory

Damn well put...

[Happiest]

Love your work.  

I wrote something similar but havnt sent it. But it felt good writing it nevertheless.
I think if I was treated the way you were by anyone in his camp, I would probably do what you did, and also after long thought and asking a friend to advise. My judgement alone isnt solid at this point in time. But getting my mojo back is of great interest to me...

[abovebeyond]

Thank you, Happiest.

I would not have written replacement if he had not opened the door and written me - although I THOUGHT about it BEFORE he even hit me up - A LOT. So yes, I had to "run it through the checker" of my closest friends before launching the shot. Over the past 3 months since break up, My judgment has been overly emotional and skewed. So I went into this well prepped and considerate of the angles. These people really believe they are within their rights at treating people like rugs. And now the replacement wants to get in on this (triangulation (read definition))?

Boom. Here you go, buddy. Now take a walk.

Another advantage of my reply to replacement, is the fact that I can now more comfortably ignore them in public if we happen to cross paths (we live in small city). I've stated my case. Now they BOTH know where I stand.

[WallyGator]

Triangulation (read definition) did more damage to our relationship than anything else.  And it was always brought in at potential peaks, especially our trips (which I paid for like a fool) to NYC, Las Vegas, Napa, and Florida (over our final 6 months together).  She actually called former boyfriends, emailed or simply spun them into our romantic dinner conversations.

Really freakin broken.  I put up with so much, it is no wonder I finally took my balls back.

[SWLSR]

Above she is playing games with you, your  replacement and lord knows whoelse.  This is what they do.  Your replacment has bought into the act, it may be the same act you bought into, I sure did.  He views himself as the knight in shining armor.  Boy is he infor it.  But the best thing you can do is get out of it.  Do not even spectate if you do not have to.  Do not let her suck you back in, and if he ever comes around stay away from him also.

[TryingtobeReal]

Thanks for the encouraging post about taking back your power.  I needed it today -- just found out this morning that my ex BPD bf is engaged.  Had to cancel all my afternoon mtgs and come home to get on the board.   

Looking forward to all this being behind me. 

T

[abovebeyond]

Thanks for the encouraging post about taking back your power.  I needed it today -- just found out this morning that my ex BPD bf is engaged.  Had to cancel all my afternoon mtgs and come home to get on the board.    

Looking forward to all this being behind me.  

T

I'm in the same boat TTBReal. My ex BPDgf fiance melted down one week after we planned a date to get married (together 5 years), and 8 weeks later she was engaged to the clown she's with now. And yes it's the same triangulation (read definition) schtick I was pitched; however, I consciously made attempts to slow things down and not criticize the guy before me - as some of the stories she told made me think he was actually a pretty good guy in some ways. Details were mighty fuzzy.

Stay strong. Nobody, in their recovery, is healhty 100% of the time. But ANY opportunity you have to take your Power back, take it and RUN WITH IT. Run. With. It. You don't have to hurt anyone.

I'm well aware that this is triangulation (read definition). Trust me. I went in with 100% knowledge of what was going on. I feel better. Period. I stated my case and let him know any attempts at further contact to convince i'm the bad guy are very ill advised, insulting, and offensive to myself and family. How you like THAT?

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

The triangulation (read definition) is amazing. As long as you feel good about it and acted in a way that you can live with as well as get closure good for you.