It's real this time, not prepared for what's to come...

[Think About It...]

It used to be him that always said "its over" and I found myself trying to calm him down, tell him it doesn't have to be over everytime we fight and actually its quite damaging for me to hear that everytime you get upset.

At some point not too long ago I started saying it too. I always meant it too. But somehow he always snuck back in, made me feel guilty, turned up the FOG.

This morning, after 4 months of therapy and meds and just quitting smoking pot he tells me that he was reading the 12 step program for his weed habit (which he had previously  agreed was out of control) and decided that none of this applied to him. None of it was right. He was just going to get a medical marijuana card, quit therapy, quit anti-depressants, and be just fine. For some reason, he was shocked when this upset me. And his reaction to that was that I was the cause of all his problems and if I would just stop trying to control him we would be fine. Back to square one. And that was when I decided I cannot live in this altered sense of reality anymore. Its crazymaking.  And so I told him he was welcome to do that, but it would be over for me. At first he agreed but then pushed/pulled for hours, but I stuck to my gut. He fished a few times, "So ur SURE?" I said yes. I can't do this anymore. Then he tried bringing up couples counseling so I could work on "my issues". I told him, even if I fixed mine for you, yours would still be too big for me. 3 seconds later he "unfriended me" on facebook and changed his relationship status to single. Like it's that easy, we own a house together.

I'm guessing this is just the beginning of a nasty battle. He will go "get some" and flaunt it in my face, or make the $ battle of the house as hard as it possibly can be.
I just SO wish we didn't have this house so we could just break up and it would be over. 

[Peace4ME]

It used to be him that always said "its over" and I found myself trying to calm him down, tell him it doesn't have to be over everytime we fight and actually its quite damaging for me to hear that everytime you get upset.

At some point not too long ago I started saying it too. I always meant it too. But somehow he always snuck back in, made me feel guilty, turned up the FOG.

This morning, after 4 months of therapy and meds and just quitting smoking pot he tells me that he was reading the 12 step program for his weed habit (which he had previously  agreed was out of control) and decided that none of this applied to him. None of it was right. He was just going to get a medical marijuana card, quit therapy, quit anti-depressants, and be just fine. For some reason, he was shocked when this upset me. And his reaction to that was that I was the cause of all his problems and if I would just stop trying to control him we would be fine. Back to square one. And that was when I decided I cannot live in this altered sense of reality anymore. Its crazymaking.  And so I told him he was welcome to do that, but it would be over for me. At first he agreed but then pushed/pulled for hours, but I stuck to my gut. He fished a few times, "So ur SURE?" I said yes. I can't do this anymore. Then he tried bringing up couples counseling so I could work on "my issues". I told him, even if I fixed mine for you, yours would still be too big for me. 3 seconds later he "unfriended me" on facebook and changed his relationship status to single. Like it's that easy, we own a house together.

I'm guessing this is just the beginning of a nasty battle. He will go "get some" and flaunt it in my face, or make the $ battle of the house as hard as it possibly can be.
I just SO wish we didn't have this house so we could just break up and it would be over. 

[seeking balance]

I remember when I was really done - I was changed and couldn't do it any longer.

Are you sure that you completely ready to be done?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[nonbpd]

I remember when I was really done - I was changed and couldn't do it any longer.

Are you sure that you completely ready to be done?

So you suggest we stick around until we all are? Frankly I am tempted...

[Peace4ME]

I remember when I was really done - I was changed and couldn't do it any longer.

Are you sure that you completely ready to be done?

I know deep down in my heart that he is not right for me. There are days that I'm pretty sure I love him, but I'd say more than 50% of our 15 month relationship has been chaos and the most stress I've ever been under in my life. He's always gotten me back by threatening suicide, having panic attacks, going into "poor me" mode.

I need to be strong, and come up with a plan. So far, he seems a little different this time. He did try some push/pull, but seems to be convinved that all I am doing is trying to change him, which in a way he's right. I've been trying to change him back into that sweet man I met. When he hit rock bottom he started therapy and meds, but he's once again decided that its just me that made him hit rock bottom.He's kind of right about that one too, because I stopped letting him walk all over me. I told him to start addressing his issues through therapy and meds if prescribed (which they were) and he did, but he just started smoking so much pot that he didn't have to feel anything. Now, 5 days into quitting, he's had a revelation that all of this is my fault and there is nothing wrong with him. I just cant deal with not being able to believe anything that comes out of his mouth, sweet or nasty. He will just deny it or change his mind again tomorrow.

This isn't a life.

[Mauser]

Then he tried bringing up couples counseling so I could work on "my issues". I told him, even if I fixed mine for you, yours would still be too big for me.

*takes notes furiously*
Must. Remember. This. Line.

[seeking balance]

I remember when I was really done - I was changed and couldn't do it any longer.

Are you sure that you completely ready to be done?

So you suggest we stick around until we all are? Frankly I am tempted...

no, that is not what I am suggesting.

There is a difference between being done and venting about being done - and I am going to address the situation accordingly.

[seeking balance]

I remember when I was really done - I was changed and couldn't do it any longer.

Are you sure that you completely ready to be done?

I know deep down in my heart that he is not right for me. There are days that I'm pretty sure I love him, but I'd say more than 50% of our 15 month relationship has been chaos and the most stress I've ever been under in my life. He's always gotten me back by threatening suicide, having panic attacks, going into "poor me" mode.

I need to be strong, and come up with a plan. So far, he seems a little different this time. He did try some push/pull, but seems to be convinved that all I am doing is trying to change him, which in a way he's right. I've been trying to change him back into that sweet man I met. When he hit rock bottom he started therapy and meds, but he's once again decided that its just me that made him hit rock bottom.He's kind of right about that one too, because I stopped letting him walk all over me. I told him to start addressing his issues through therapy and meds if prescribed (which they were) and he did, but he just started smoking so much pot that he didn't have to feel anything. Now, 5 days into quitting, he's had a revelation that all of this is my fault and there is nothing wrong with him. I just cant deal with not being able to believe anything that comes out of his mouth, sweet or nasty. He will just deny it or change his mind again tomorrow.

This isn't a life.

Ok Peace4ME - thank you for clarifying your feelings.

You cannot change him, this is who he is - as such, are you ready to take the steps (actions) to be done or should we move this thread over to undecided so we can talk through this in greater detail?

[abovebeyond]

3 seconds later he "unfriended me" on facebook and changed his relationship status to single. Like it's that easy, we own a house together.
 

Mine did the same EXACT thing on FB - the day after an argument. Like their sense of control of their environment starts with what they project to the public via things like FB. So completely ridiculous. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. They're like little kids taking their toys back after a sandbox argument. I know he's sick, but what an idiot. How juvenile. Don't they realize how immature the FB c r a p is? I'd be EMBARRASSED to do such a thing.

Stay strong. Stay with your gut.

[Peace4ME]

Ok Peace4ME - thank you for clarifying your feelings.

You cannot change him, this is who he is - as such, are you ready to take the steps (actions) to be done or should we move this thread over to undecided so we can talk through this in greater detail?

Its scary to say this, but yes. I am ready.

[Peace4ME]

3 seconds later he "unfriended me" on facebook and changed his relationship status to single. Like it's that easy, we own a house together.
 

Mine did the same EXACT thing on FB - the day after an argument. Like their sense of control of their environment starts with what they project to the public via things like FB. So completely ridiculous. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. They're like little kids taking their toys back after a sandbox argument. I know he's sick, but what an idiot. How juvenile. Don't they realize how immature the FB c r a p is? I'd be EMBARRASSED to do such a thing.

Stay strong. Stay with your gut.

It is so juvenile. Makes me know how right I am. And hope that my belongings and cats are still intact when I get home today.

The funny things is that after he defriended me and changed his status to single all of my close friends, that he is now facebook friends with, have started emailing me asking me what is going on, and saying that they are relieved since I've said it was over. This is sad to me. I want a partner that my friends like! Facebook really is ridiculous, I honestly think it can have a negative effect on relationships.

[seeking balance]

Ok Peace4ME - thank you for clarifying your feelings.

You cannot change him, this is who he is - as such, are you ready to take the steps (actions) to be done or should we move this thread over to undecided so we can talk through this in greater detail?

Its scary to say this, but yes. I am ready.

Yes, it is scary - it has been 2 years for me, but I remember that feeling all too well.
Regarding FB - ignore it, do not friend him back - just leave that can of worms alone.  Perhaps now is a good time to block him, this way you can stay out of that unnecessary drama.  He unfriended you, so if you are really ready, just block and be done.

Let's stick with tactical first - you live together, share a house - right?  Any other joint accounts, credit cards, etc?

[Peace4ME]

Nope, just the house.

[seeking balance]

Nope, just the house.

Ok, he is dysregulated - you are about to have a master class in SET.  Do not engage in the cycle of conflict - remove yourself if you must.

Exactly what is ideal for you on the house situation?  For now, can you move your stuff into another bedroom or do you think he will go stay somewhere else while you sort out the details?

[Peace4ME]

OK, he is emailing me right now. Fishing... do I completely ignore him? Or just tell him I'm sorry, I've made up my mind and we need to end this the easiest way possible?

We will definitely be in different bedrooms for the time being. We've gotten this far before and he says he'll go get an apartment, and then he says he won't leave until the house is sold. Who knows? I'd like it if he just got an apt and I can take care of all the details. I have 3 cats so I cant just take off...

[seeking balance]

OK, he is emailing me right now. Fishing... do I completely ignore him? Or just tell him I'm sorry, I've made up my mind and we need to end this the easiest way possible?

How proficient did you get with your lessons on the staying board?

Right now - SET format is important to not make the situation worse.  You are not in the luxury place to go no contact.

Write out here what you want to send and we can work together on it.

[Peace4ME]

He is asking me what I got so upset about this morning- possibly trying to downplay it so it will go away.

I would just like to communicate to him that this relationship is too unstable and chaotic for me and I don't feel like I can trust him because he is constantly changing his mind on huge relationship issues. I wish the best for him, but I don't think we are right for each other.

[seeking balance]

He is asking me what I got so upset about this morning- possibly trying to downplay it so it will go away.

I would just like to communicate to him that this relationship is too unstable and chaotic for me and I don't feel like I can trust him because he is constantly changing his mind on huge relationship issues. I wish the best for him, but I don't think we are right for each other.

so, this is not really an email kind of conversation, right?
sorry, I don't recall - do you have a T that you see jointly?

can you simply email - thanks for checking in on me, that is kind of you. we can talk about this later?

[Peace4ME]

No, def not an email conversation.
We have our own T, not a joint one.

Yes, I will try to suggest we talk later. He has sent a few more, trying to make me feel guilty for not acepting him for who he is, flaws and all.

[Peace4ME]

Maybe we should move this to the undecided board, I'm feeling unsure already. Ugh.

[seeking balance]

No, def not an email conversation.
We have our own T, not a joint one.

Yes, I will try to suggest we talk later. He has sent a few more, trying to make me feel guilty for not acepting him for who he is, flaws and all.

validate him, it is not as simple as asking to talk later - you are really going to have to work on the staying board tools to make this a smooth transition.

perhaps you both agree not to discuss your relationship until you each talk to your T's - that is reasonable, correct?

I am going to move this thread to undecided simply because you are going to need some support with communication tools that are not applicable for this board - ok?