It's working

[Think About It...]

I've been using the DEARMAN, SET, validation, and "disengaging from circular arguments" tools on this board, and they're really starting to make a difference, not only in my exBPDgf's behavior, but just the way I personally think about particular situations.

Today, we hit a breakthrough.  I had my first visit with a new T, and my ex texted me afterwards while she was still at work saying "can't wait to hear about it!"...and I said, "Well I can't wait to tell you about it ".  She called from her office about 10 mins later.

I barely got to tell her how the session went.  She wanted to know about my plans for Friday night, because she was planning a surprise bday party for one of our mutual friends.  I said that I should be able to make it.  She then started talking about how it was difficult for her to send out all the facebook messages to everyone and invite them to come...but since I was the only one that had blocked her on FB, she had to call me.  I said, "So, you're back on facebook?  I thought you said that you were 'never getting on facebook again'?"  (A few weeks ago, she had befriended my close friends on fb.  I told her I didn't appreciate her doing that after she told me not to talk to her the week before. So, to "prove" to me that she wasn't trying to get my attention...she got off fb the next week and told me she would "never get back on it again" - obviously, I knew that wasn't true).

She immediately got upset.  She starts saying, "What does it matter?  You blocked me anyways!  And I had to send out the invitations somehow and FB was the best way!"  I said, "Well, couldn't (our other mutual friend) have done it?"  Oh boy, that wasn't the correct thing to say.  She starts flipping out and I stopped her.  I said, "I was just confused because you said "x" would never happen, and then "x" happened a couple of weeks after you said "x" would never happen.  I was only trying to get the facts straight."  She starts going off, "its none of your business...we're not together anyways!"  I said, "Please stop yelling or I will have to get off the phone with you."  But she didn't quit..so I told her I had to go (in a very calm voice).

But after about 10 or 15 mins, after having us both have some cool time...I texted her, "I want you to know that I'm not upset about you getting back on FB.  I was merely confused bc of how clear you made it seem to me that you were not getting back on it...so I started asking questions.  I understand that you felt that I was being inquisitive, but I was just trying to understand the situation bc it confused me.  I apologize if I upset you in any way as I seemed to have done.  I think it would be very nice to see you tonight.  I barely got to share any of my visit with you, and I would love to see you and tell you more about what we discussed."

She called about 5 mins later, mildly upset.  It eventually turned into a circular argument with her going back to "well they're not your REAL friends if they accepted my friend request."  I said, "you're certainly entitled to that opinion, but I do not share that opinion with you.  If that were true, I wouldn't have ANY "real" friends.  I can see where you're coming from on it though, but I don't share that perspective with you, and it's just best to agree to disagree."

She had NO where to go.  She tried to say..."But that's how I feel!"  I said, "Good...you're certainly entitled to the way you feel as well as your opinions.  We won't agree on everything just like we won't share the exact same emotion at the same time.  In any event, I still would love to see you tonight and I hope you're willing to meet up later."  She said in a very nice voice, "I see.  Well I'd love to see you too and hear about your visit.  You're welcome to stop by after I get done at my grandma's..."

I'm amazed.  I've been able to pull myself out of situations that could've gone bad.  But I've never responded in such a manner that alows her to turn the bus around.  Hopefully, more of these situations will be resolved like this!

[wrangler1217]

I've been using the DEARMAN, SET, validation, and "disengaging from circular arguments" tools on this board, and they're really starting to make a difference, not only in my exBPDgf's behavior, but just the way I personally think about particular situations.

Today, we hit a breakthrough.  I had my first visit with a new T, and my ex texted me afterwards while she was still at work saying "can't wait to hear about it!"...and I said, "Well I can't wait to tell you about it ".  She called from her office about 10 mins later.

I barely got to tell her how the session went.  She wanted to know about my plans for Friday night, because she was planning a surprise bday party for one of our mutual friends.  I said that I should be able to make it.  She then started talking about how it was difficult for her to send out all the facebook messages to everyone and invite them to come...but since I was the only one that had blocked her on FB, she had to call me.  I said, "So, you're back on facebook?  I thought you said that you were 'never getting on facebook again'?"  (A few weeks ago, she had befriended my close friends on fb.  I told her I didn't appreciate her doing that after she told me not to talk to her the week before. So, to "prove" to me that she wasn't trying to get my attention...she got off fb the next week and told me she would "never get back on it again" - obviously, I knew that wasn't true).

She immediately got upset.  She starts saying, "What does it matter?  You blocked me anyways!  And I had to send out the invitations somehow and FB was the best way!"  I said, "Well, couldn't (our other mutual friend) have done it?"  Oh boy, that wasn't the correct thing to say.  She starts flipping out and I stopped her.  I said, "I was just confused because you said "x" would never happen, and then "x" happened a couple of weeks after you said "x" would never happen.  I was only trying to get the facts straight."  She starts going off, "its none of your business...we're not together anyways!"  I said, "Please stop yelling or I will have to get off the phone with you."  But she didn't quit..so I told her I had to go (in a very calm voice).

But after about 10 or 15 mins, after having us both have some cool time...I texted her, "I want you to know that I'm not upset about you getting back on FB.  I was merely confused bc of how clear you made it seem to me that you were not getting back on it...so I started asking questions.  I understand that you felt that I was being inquisitive, but I was just trying to understand the situation bc it confused me.  I apologize if I upset you in any way as I seemed to have done.  I think it would be very nice to see you tonight.  I barely got to share any of my visit with you, and I would love to see you and tell you more about what we discussed."

She called about 5 mins later, mildly upset.  It eventually turned into a circular argument with her going back to "well they're not your REAL friends if they accepted my friend request."  I said, "you're certainly entitled to that opinion, but I do not share that opinion with you.  If that were true, I wouldn't have ANY "real" friends.  I can see where you're coming from on it though, but I don't share that perspective with you, and it's just best to agree to disagree."

She had NO where to go.  She tried to say..."But that's how I feel!"  I said, "Good...you're certainly entitled to the way you feel as well as your opinions.  We won't agree on everything just like we won't share the exact same emotion at the same time.  In any event, I still would love to see you tonight and I hope you're willing to meet up later."  She said in a very nice voice, "I see.  Well I'd love to see you too and hear about your visit.  You're welcome to stop by after I get done at my grandma's..."

I'm amazed.  I've been able to pull myself out of situations that could've gone bad.  But I've never responded in such a manner that alows her to turn the bus around.  Hopefully, more of these situations will be resolved like this!

[suzn]

This is fantastic insight on your part. It can be work sometimes but keep it up!

[real lady]

Congrats wrangler...   how awesome.

[Rose Tiger]

It's great to hear of your successes, it helps that you've posted examples that I can try, too. 

[wrangler1217]

Thank you all!  We talked last night and it went really well.  I have some mixed feelings though.  I've been trying to get her to go to a T that is experienced with DBT for a while, but she's been hesitant because she has a hard time trusting T's after her last experience with a mis-diagnosis as codependency, which I completely understand.  I've been sending her articles and things to read on DBT, which she liked...but I'm trying not to push her.

I know I can't really get frustrated if she doesn't take my advice.  But last night, she told me that she had talked to her old boss that was going through therapy as well.  He had explained his situation of having an alcoholic mother and having to grow up too soon.  So now he has those childhood influences in his adult life when making adult decisions (ie partner selection).  All of a sudden, she thinks that she has the SAME problem...and thinks that 's the reason why she acts like a child.

I had mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, it opens the door to her going back to therapy.  On the other, it frustrates me that she would trust this guy's opinion over my own...despite me knowing her a lot better than him, as well as me having found a deeper insight on her behavior from this board and personal research.  So I let her know how I feel.  I said, "I'm very happy that you are open to therapy again.  However, I am also disappointed that you would be so closed to my ideas, but so open to your former boss's."  She said, "But it was just the way he explained it...it made everything so clear."  I said, "well I believe there to be a lot of truth to what he says.  And i believe that works best for him, but I don't necessarily think that you share the exact same problem.  I believe your primary issue is your inability to process emotions, whether that be BPD or not - I don't care.  His issue sounds more along the lines of codependency.  Do you want to go down that road again?  Sure, you may feel that you have a lot of unresolved childhood inner-conflicts which will definitely help - but until you can learn to reprogram the way you process emotions, the child-like behaviors will not change..leading to more problems and depression.  I'm also concerned that you'll get frustrated again because you might feel that nothing has really changed - which would turn you off of therapy for a while again.  But please dont get me wrong - I am very excited that you would consider going back."

I was careful not to sound controlling, but I also wanted to express my concern that she might get discouraged.  I think she understood where I was coming from.  But I do want to know, has anyone on the forum had a good, long-lasting experience with "talk" therapy, as opposed to a specific treatment like DBT, CBT, schema...ect?  From what I've read, unless it's a designed, structure treatment program - it will not be for the long haul. 

[Rose Tiger]

I know the feeling of wanting a partner in therapy and a particular type.  I had to let this go.  We are seeing a MC that specializes in men with anger issues.  My husband and the therapist have built up a relationship of trust, it was amazing to watch my husband totally triggered and the therapist telling him, it's ok, your anger doesn't faze me.  Now they are having sessions without me and doing EMDR work.  Not my choice of treatment but I'm letting it go.  I've mentioned DBT a couple times and that gets overridden.  I suppose coming from me it's easy to dismiss, because if my husband tried to direct my therapy, I'd be a little leary, too.  I'll let him figure this out for himself and see how it goes.