Just how Im feeling

[Think About It...]

goinbonkers is right about NC and keeping with it, I've learned the hard way about that.  What you are going through is all a part of the process, I've gone through it and I can be almost certain that most everyone one here has as well.  It's normal to miss her and to still wonder if there is a future.  I remember being obsessed, I mean really, truly obsessed with wanting closure.  The times that we have had contact during these six months has been because I've made him talk to me and answer my questions.  I did this because I too wanted closure. Well every single time we've had a conversation it's always been followed the very next day with something cruel or insensitive on his part.  I will hang up thinking, ok, that went pretty well, maybe he did really love me, maybe it was really what I always thought it was and then I believe because I tell him each and every time during those conversations that there will never be a future for us, I think this is why he paints me black again and says and does mean things after that.  So my point in this very fuzzy fog I'm in, please forgive me if I'm making no sense, my point is that you can never have closure.  Closure comes from within us, they will never give us closure.  Just when you think you may have achieved it, just like mine has done every time they will tear you right back down again.  I can't emphasize enough that I really do know what you are going through, I remember like yesterday feeling the way you are feeling and it's the most painful part of all of this.  The best advice I can give is to just hang on for the very bumpy ride.  Allow yourself to feel everything, don't try to force yourself to get over her or to push your feelings away, feel it all.  I let myself cry hysterically, I cursed him out to my friends, I let myself still love him and miss him for the time I needed to and now I've arrived at acceptance.  I don't want him anymore.  I want something much more spectacular next time.  I want to be somebody's number one choice, not number two.  I want someone who is not only unattached (unmarried) but I want someone who is emotionally healthy and available.  You will get there, be patient and love yourself.   

wow.  well said .

[goinbonkers]

goinbonkers is right about NC and keeping with it, I've learned the hard way about that.  What you are going through is all a part of the process, I've gone through it and I can be almost certain that most everyone one here has as well.  It's normal to miss her and to still wonder if there is a future.  I remember being obsessed, I mean really, truly obsessed with wanting closure.  The times that we have had contact during these six months has been because I've made him talk to me and answer my questions.  I did this because I too wanted closure. Well every single time we've had a conversation it's always been followed the very next day with something cruel or insensitive on his part.  I will hang up thinking, ok, that went pretty well, maybe he did really love me, maybe it was really what I always thought it was and then I believe because I tell him each and every time during those conversations that there will never be a future for us, I think this is why he paints me black again and says and does mean things after that.  So my point in this very fuzzy fog I'm in, please forgive me if I'm making no sense, my point is that you can never have closure.  Closure comes from within us, they will never give us closure.  Just when you think you may have achieved it, just like mine has done every time they will tear you right back down again.  I can't emphasize enough that I really do know what you are going through, I remember like yesterday feeling the way you are feeling and it's the most painful part of all of this.  The best advice I can give is to just hang on for the very bumpy ride.  Allow yourself to feel everything, don't try to force yourself to get over her or to push your feelings away, feel it all.  I let myself cry hysterically, I cursed him out to my friends, I let myself still love him and miss him for the time I needed to and now I've arrived at acceptance.  I don't want him anymore.  I want something much more spectacular next time.  I want to be somebody's number one choice, not number two.  I want someone who is not only unattached (unmarried) but I want someone who is emotionally healthy and available.  You will get there, be patient and love yourself.   

wow.  well said .

[vre]

mgl,

Have you considered seeing a medical doctor? You might be able to get some medication to help you get through this rough patch. In my case, I got something for the anxiety that I took for a few months, and it really helped.

[mgl210]

I understand what you are saying...I just feel isolated. Alot of people have someone that they can ramble on and on about how they are feeling. I feel with the exception of this online forum. I have no such fortune. Sure, I could talk to my friends about it, but I feel horrible, especially since I know how much they despise her as it is.  I am not rushing myself back into the dating world, because I just know that wouldn't be fair of me to do to someone new. I just hate being alone. I hate feeling as if I have to keep it all in towards my own mother, because she would just be like oh get over it! or I told you to not have any association with that crazy girl.!

Nightmares are frequent thing of my day. I sleep during the day, because then the darkness doesn't make them seem more real. In the light, I can easily see that it was just a bad dream. When there is nothing but darkness, I can't. I've been tempted lately to go over to her house and find out what exactly is going on, but I was told by an anonymous text that if I go near the house, the cops will be notified and I don't want to get arrested. So, I sit here waiting for the day that she either contacts me to tell me what exactly is going on, and bc it hasn't happened. I let my brain get trampled in the process of grieving...I know its not healthy how I am letting this bother me, but I really did believe that she and I would be together forever...

I'm trying...but I am failing miserably..:-(

[BP39]

What kind of closuer are you. Looking for ill tell you mine what really helped for me to just lose all respect for her

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[mgl210]

Like millions of other Americans, I am unemployed and have no health insurance...So, I will not be able to get any form of medicine to help me deal with any of this...

What kind of closure? Why did she have to leave? What could I have done to help prevent her from leaviing? Why didn't she open up to me as she had mentioned that she wanted me to do?  WHY?

[SHolloway]

Thanks goinbonkers!  You have given me some good advice in the past too, I appreciate it! 

MGL, I'll post once more and then I must get myself to bed, it's only 3am but I'm a bit sleepy!  ;p   Don't force the healing process, allow yourself to feel it all.  Everything you are going through is normal, we've all been there and done that, you aren't saying anything that is out of the ordinary.  These relationships are first and foremost manipulative.  When I got further into my healing I realized that it wasn't the love that I was having a hard time letting go of, it was the sick hold he had on me.  I couldn't detach from that, it wasn't the love at all, it was the control, the unhealthy bond we had.  I would even venture to say now, "did I truly love him?"  I don't know anymore, I'm tossing that idea around now in my head.  I loved the friendship, doing things together, hanging out, the physical relationship was fantastic, but did I really love him?  Again, now that I'm able to see clearly I think that maybe, just maybe what I was unable to let go of for awhile was the hold he had over me, that hold that would cause me to react by getting all flustered and weak when he would walk into a room.  I don't get that way anymore, I'm over it.  But you are very far from this right now and that's ok, because I too was there once.  Keep posting, keep talking and get some sleep all of you!   

[mgl210]

I will try and get some sleep. Thanks Faith ..Thanks everybody for the support. I appreciate it very much so...

[diotima]

Hi mg:
You are having a rough time and I think the other posters here have offered you some good suggestions.

I am trying to get her out of my system. but with memories i look, its virtually impossible.

I can relate to this because in the beginning (the first few months) I could think of nothing else. I felt possessed and wanted nothing more than to somehow excise the memories and thoughts. Everything reminded me of my ex. There is no closure to get from a BPD and there is no way they can open up and tell the truth. They do not have the emotional maturity to even understand another person's pain or the effects of their actions. Keep thinking of her as a three-year-old (or less). Would you expect a three-year-old to deal with you in an adult way? I had to keep reminding myself of that to put it in perspective. The pain was horrible but it slowly got better and in time my attention was freed up for other things. I also spent a lot of time writing, writing, writing in a journal. I wrote letters I never sent. I cried and cried and cried about the injustice of it all. I am not happy to have my ex out of my life and I never thought I would feel this way. Staying NC helped a lot because any contact I had=more pain. Think of it also as an addiction: stopping the addiction is one day at a time--getting through each day.

How long have you been NC? When did all this happen?

Some things that really helped me were learning to meditate, and if you want me to give you some online information about that I will. The other thing is physical exercise--forcing myself to do it even though I didn't want to. I took dancing lessons and that helped more than anything, because when I was paying attention to the music and other people I got relief from the pain and even felt good during those periods. You are the one who has to take charge of yourself, as hard as it seems right now.

Our thoughts are with you,
Diotima

[diotima]

ps: big typo!

I am not happy to have my ex out of my life and I never thought I would feel this way.

I am very happy to have my ex out of my life. People kept telling me that and I didn't believe it at first and now I do. You will get better even if it doesn't feel like that now.

Diotima

[mgl210]

Six weeks ago, she just asked me a question and disappeared. After telling me prior that she loved me endlessly and forever.
I am shattered. I cant care anymore. I am no longer the individual that people have grown to love. I am now a bitter destroyed individual...

[diotima]

What can you do for yourself right now? Even if it is something small: what can you do? Can you go for a walk?

My ex told me all that stuff too and abruptly disappeared and I was shattered. I know what you are going through.

Diotima

[mgl210]

Did you ever get your closure?

[diotima]

Yes I did but it wasn't the way I imagined it would be. It was a gradual process and the more I put my ex into perspective and the more I really learned to believe that he could not give me what an adult relationship requires, that he has a serious mental illness, my emotional connection slowly dissipated on my end. When I think of him now I really don't want to be with him and the good things we shared are more distant from me. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life (after the death of my father when I was 9 and the aftermath of that). One thing I realized was that my ex triggered the painful experiences of my childhood and so the pain was amplified because of that. It took time to get all these things into perspective in bits and pieces, but doing so has brought closure. We can't get closure from them.
Diotima

[mgl210]

I see...
Sorry to hear about your dad.I lost my dad when I was 19, that was almost 18 years ago this July

[diotima]

Yes, I think the experience with a BPD triggers all those earlier losses. My ex chose to run off with another woman while my mother was dying (last year) and so it all came down at once for me. My ex wanted me back and has tried a couple of recycle attempts but that was the last straw for me. I knew I had to eliminate him from my life and it was the right decision. In time I began to seek out new experiences in order to create new memories that were not tied to my ex (we are both academics and worked together--very good part of our r/s) but I no longer wanted to abuse and extreme moods and cycles. A relief to have it out of my life at this point. And I recently met a new person who is so unlike that. I don't walk on eggshells all the time. We'll see where it goes.

People had to keep reminding me over and over again when I was in the pain that it was going to get better and that I would no longer want the chaos.

Diotima

[mgl210]

My ex left me the day before my grandmother was to be laid to rest...


how long was it before he tried to reconnect with you?

[diotima]

ps: I have to go out right now and will be offline. I just wanted you to know that I think it's gonna get better and I am sorry for all the pain and having to go through all this. The universe threw us the opportunity of a lesson of sorts when the BPD came into our lives--not a lesson I would wish on anyone but there it is and we are brought face to face with ourselves and with some growing and healing we can do. Take care of yourself in as many ways as you can because it will pay off.
Diotima

pps: just saw your new message...my ex tried about a month after I warned him that if he got involved with another woman that it was over between us...then every few months he would try to recycle me. All the pain I felt began to turn into revulsion at the thought of it. Never thought that would happen.

[diotima]

ppps: the ex's leaving at critical moments like that...one more thought: when our situation is such that we need to focus on our needs, e.g., the death of someone important in our lives triggers them because they are not then the center of our attention. That's the way the illness works.

Best to you, later,
Diotima

[mgl210]

I was just wondering bc then I know what I could possibly expect...


Sigh

[goinbonkers]

I was just wondering bc then I know what I could possibly expect...


Sigh

well the possibilities are not finite unfortunately.