Hoping for a re-cycle

[Think About It...]

I'm feeling a little left out here... I've received no attempt to re-cycle.

I'm starting to ask myself why no recycle? Does this mean that she doesn't have BPD?

[matwater]

I'm feeling a little left out here... I've received no attempt to re-cycle.

I'm starting to ask myself why no recycle? Does this mean that she doesn't have BPD?

[patientandclear]

It means you're not needed at the moment.

It is utterly clear after reading so many recycle stories here that recycle attempts do not depend on whether there is a genuine, deep connection to you (which I take it from your question is maybe the nagging doubt you are exploring), or indeed, anything about you.

They depend on whether the pwBPD has some other strategy, with someone else, for meeting his or her need to pursue intimacy and connection.  If yes, no need to re-cycle you unless things are getting a little uncomfortable (too intimate? too enveloping?  too much fear of loss?) in which case you may be a back-up plan.

But when and if they have no other strategy for intimate connection, you may hear from them.  It is not about you, positively or negatively -- you are just a number on a spinning roulette wheel.

I heard from a mutual friend that my ex emailed his old gf during our most passionate, intimate weekend together during our brief relationship.  I couldn't believe it for a long time.  Now I am certain it happened ... not only because I now understand BPD better, but because in January, deep into NC for me, he sent me a little probing email to see if I were open to more.  Then I learned that he was in hot pursuit of the old/new gf at the time.  I think that is actually why he reached out to me -- to mitigate or counterbalance the sense of commitment implied in his chase of her.

[the_way_back]

hey matwater

What would you hope a recycle would achieve? How do you think you would handle it? Is it validation and/or closure you are looking for?

I think you would be hard pushed to find any stories of recycle attempts that have worked out positively. I believe that once you finally split from a pwBPD, you will only ever be recycled in that, the relationship is over and recycling is as good as it will ever get. Having been through it twice I can tell you, it is not a situation to be envied.

I haven't read your story but I guess you may be hurting at the moment. This pain you feel now will likely be exacerbated and feel much worse on the the other side of a recycle attempt. Patientandclear is correct as a recycle attempt is not about you or anything you need. It is only about them and them finding a way of meeting their needs. They may even try and use you as a scapegoat or a way to try and extricate themselves from a situation. Often once out, the just want back in. Once back in, they sorely want out. It's sad, pathetic and pitiful - and all it does is serve to hurt us.

Truth be known, I was doing absolutely wonderfully well until the latest recycle attempt. I wasn't aware enough to see what she was doing. I wish she had left me alone. So in all honesty matwater, I would rather have been in your shoes. You have the space and time to concentrate on you. It's not easy, but without the detours of recycle attempts, you will move on quicker.

[yianks69]

I'm feeling a little left out here... I've received no attempt to re-cycle.

I'm starting to ask myself why no recycle? Does this mean that she doesn't have BPD?

Why do you want her to re-cycle you?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[forgetthepast]

matwater,

I know how you feel.  I am 6 months out with no re-cycle attempt from her.  You probably want some sort of validation from her that you meant something to her, that she is sorry for the way she treated you.  I know that is what I wanted for the longest time.

As the days go by, it looks more and more like I won't get that.  We were engaged to be married, living together, there were kids involved, very painful.  She was always looking for a replacement while we were together.  Always.  I was being used for money, sex, you name it.  I was flat out being used until she found someone else she thought was better than me.

It hurts.  It really hurts.  How can they just give up and walk away so easily when they tell you how much they love you?  You want validation that you existed in their world.  You did exist, for a time, for a season.  That season is now over.  As painful as it is, we have to walk away, turn the page, and look forward to the future.  In my case, I pray that my future is free of drama, chaos, confusion, and heartbreak from someone who doesn't know how to behave in a relationship.  I had to re-evaluate what I want and need from a relationship that my ex wasn't and could not give to me.  We can only make ourselves better after all of this is over to avoid.  What do you want your future to look like?

[nonbpd]

Please oh please don't wish this! You will see it gets better, and at that exact point, when you start enjoying your life, you are moving on, they can appear to give you what you "want" : recycle attempt...like I am going thru now! And it was just an e-mail! I am tempted to respond like a heroin junkie...my fight is painful like hell! So just swallow your ego bruise...and move on! You are better of! I swear! I wish no-one goes thru what I go thru now!

[ellil]

Also, shame is something a pwBPD cannot handle. My ex will never contact me again because of this shame. Throughout our r/s, I knew when he was lying and he knew it because I confronted him many times. Our last b/u I think the shame was so great he had a psychotic break--it's what he had to do to protect himself.

He could never tolerate being around someone who he knows KNOWS he's a liar, can provide clear and specific proof of lies, and knows he has BPD. He'd rather be alone than feel shame.

M

[tailspin]

matwater,

I sometimes wish my ex would attempt to re-cycle me for no other reason than to give me the exquisite pleasure of denying him.  And this is precisely why it will never happen.  He isn't stupid, just disordered. 

If we leave them with a thread of hope there's a chance for a re-cycle attempt but it doesn't always happen.  As ellil and others have stated there are many factors at play here.  Be proud that you don't have that hanging over your head, be thankful it hasn't happened, and be prepared in case it does.

Hoping for a re-cycle attempt from a mentally disturbed person is like hoping your main sewage line backs up into your house. 

[ellil]

matwater,

I sometimes wish my ex would attempt to re-cycle me for no other reason than to give me the exquisite pleasure of denying him.  And this is precisely why it will never happen.  He isn't stupid, just disordered. 

Same here! I have such well-scripted fantasies about how I would decline his recycle attempt...that's how I know I have a bit of a ways more to go to be totally healed. When I stop scripting those fantasies and believe I would simply say, "Hope you are well and take care of yourself" that I'll know I'm home free.

 

M

[LoveNYC]

I totally get what you're saying.

Mine made an attempt one week after I told him to never contact me again. When he tried to re-engage with me, I threw up a wall and denied him. No contact since then; it was almost 3 months ago.

Still, I'd love another chance to shut him down and twist the knife.

[matwater]

I don't want one as such.. But I would look forward to saying "Thanks but no thanks".
I hope I can do it when it comes, may be the practice would make it more likely to happen and I can keep my dignity.
I'm subject to a restraint order until 30th June so I'm sure no contact will happen until that's run out.
I don't want back in at all each day/weekly that I'm out of the FOG i pick up on things that tell me is was not that good at all. Only this week I asked my boss at work where she was going away in 2 weeks and she told me it was a surprise, I was gobsmacked! I couldn't comprehend that someone would trust their partner to plan a week away and be something they both enjoyed. It took me a little while to realise that it was my perception that was skewed! Skewed by my failed attempted to gain her trust and just be happy together!

Now looking forward to moving on finally, next hurdle is the end of the restraint order!

[SWLSR]

Matwater,

you may well get one but it will come when you least expect it or want it.  But as in most do try your is probable coming.

[GrandeLyme]

I think in the early stages (especially with me) when we are single, we want that recycle attempt. It makes us feel validated.

It's so sad to think that we can be so weak to picture them crawling back / crying and us accepting it out of love (especially when they've hurt us so bad).

But as time goes on, I think we grow indifferent if we remain in NC. I'm starting to feel better (I still get sad), but not to the point of crying.

[lessonslearned]

patientandclear hit the nail on the head.

I would also add:

WE were always about THEM. Until we couldn't continue being the fantasy they saw us as. That's when someone else fills that role...Until that person can't either (fantasies can't be maintained forever). Then, when they're alone and in touch with their nothingness, we (along with other past relationships) look like a fantasy again. Until we don't.

Recycling outside of the relationship (after it's over) isn't much different that the break up/make up INSIDE the relationship. The push pull is continuing in either case, with longer breaks in between. The BPD does this. That's what they do. It's up to us to get on the dance floor or decline the offer to dance.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be loved for a role I didn't ask to play, and which I'll never lastingly be able to perform. It's too conditional, and the fantasy is being maintained by HER, which I can't control. Although, in some way I did like being in that role - rescuing makes me feel manly and needed.

so it gets confusing, but we must remember it IS a dance. And it isn't black and white.

[forgetthepast]

I admit I think about her coming back, professing her undying love for me, begging for me to take her back.  Then I wake up.  After 4 breakups, she initiated them all, I was always the one begging for her to come back.  Wow, was I pathetic.  Why would I ever think she would initiate a re-cycle?  She never has and never will.

[lessonslearned]

matwater,

I know how you feel.  I am 6 months out with no re-cycle attempt from her.  You probably want some sort of validation from her that you meant something to her, that she is sorry for the way she treated you.  I know that is what I wanted for the longest time.

As the days go by, it looks more and more like I won't get that.  We were engaged to be married, living together, there were kids involved, very painful.  She was always looking for a replacement while we were together.  Always.  I was being used for money, sex, you name it.  I was flat out being used until she found someone else she thought was better than me.

It hurts.  It really hurts.  How can they just give up and walk away so easily when they tell you how much they love you?  You want validation that you existed in their world.  You did exist, for a time, for a season.  That season is now over.  As painful as it is, we have to walk away, turn the page, and look forward to the future.  In my case, I pray that my future is free of drama, chaos, confusion, and heartbreak from someone who doesn't know how to behave in a relationship.  I had to re-evaluate what I want and need from a relationship that my ex wasn't and could not give to me.  We can only make ourselves better after all of this is over to avoid.  What do you want your future to look like?

How can they give up and just walk away? This must be deeply absorbed. She did what she did because it's survival to HER. She has a disorder. It affects her behavior in ways we will never be able to comprehend - because we don't have the same distorted thought processes.

[gettingoverit]

Also, shame is something a pwBPD cannot handle. My ex will never contact me again because of this shame. Throughout our r/s, I knew when he was lying and he knew it because I confronted him many times. Our last b/u I think the shame was so great he had a psychotic break--it's what he had to do to protect himself.

He could never tolerate being around someone who he knows KNOWS he's a liar, can provide clear and specific proof of lies, and knows he has BPD. He'd rather be alone than feel shame.

I would agree. My ex is the same way. There is no way on god's green earth that she would ever contact me/recycle me again. Partly because as mentioned before, she has her new fix in my replacement, plus she knows that I finally figured her out (not to mention all the horrible things she did on her way out of our relationship). I will add though that we did recycle  a total of 4 times. I found out later that she had tried desperately to hook up with someone else when we were on a "break", but I guess they were not moving as fast as my ex would have liked. I realize now it had nothing to do with me. She came back because she had nothing "better" to go too. She needed me to pay for half of the bills because she could not manage on her own. In fact she had devised a plan to live with me for about another year and half, faking a relationship with me so that she could pay off some debt and  put money away before she was going to leave me, until that time though, she needed me to pay for half of all the bills. How sick and twisted is that?

Being recycled is hard. Everytime you get recycled, the relationship becomes more and more dysfunctional. There is never a happy ending. The only thing that is left when the dust clears is a shell of who you used to be, add on to that a broken heart and a diminished self esteem. Don't wish for a recycle. It will bring you nothing but heart ache and pain. If you think your pain is bad now, it will be worse after you get recycled. Believe me. It does not EVER get better with these people...only worse.

[lessonslearned]

I would agree with the previous post - the day before she dumped me, my ex asked me what I thought she was doing, was up to with her recent turbulence, or what her issues were. I said, that's not my job, but she persisted. I didn't know about BPD, but I did say this: "I think you're sabotaging because this has become real. I think you're testing us and my love because we're headed into a committed phase. I think youre terrified, because you're in a stable relationship with someone you call your best friend. That means there's a LOT more fear of being abandoned." As she drove away she held my eye contact way longer than I ever remember.

That was the last time I saw her. The next day, it was over.

[the_way_back]

Yea I have to agree with that totally. The thing that really cut me up most about her last attempt was that I had made so much progress before hand. I was angry with myself for being such a fool and believing her lies. And even if they believe it's true as the words come out of their mouth, it is a lie. if you like, it's truth with a very very short shelf life.

The horrid thing is, that it may be a recycle (that you fall for) attempt that would underline the progress you had already made. Then you go throw it away for literally nothing. Well, no not nothing. You throw it away for heartache, confusion and misery.

Nobody needs (or really wants) that level of crazy in their life.

[patientandclear]

I would agree with the previous post - the day before she dumped me, my ex asked me what I thought she was doing, was up to with her recent turbulence, or what her issues were. I said, that's not my job, but she persisted. I didn't know about BPD, but I did say this: "I think you're sabotaging because this has become real. I think you're testing us and my love because we're headed into a committed phase. I think youre terrified, because you're in a stable relationship with someone you call your best friend. That means there's a LOT more fear of being abandoned." As she drove away she held my eye contact way longer than I ever remember.

That was the last time I saw her. The next day, it was over.

Wow, LL.  Even on a board where I am accustomed to reading rough experiences and sad stories, this stands out as so poignant.  It is really heartbreaking that even though you understood what was happening & even though she heard you say that & probably registered that you were right, there was no way out.  Nothing that could stop the impulse to get away.

I am really sorry--for both of you actually.  You tell that story with a lot of kindness for your ex that makes me see her, and by extension my ex and those of everyone else here, with more compassion.

And this is utterly brilliant, TWB!

... if you like, it's truth with a very very short shelf life.