Hoping for a re-cycle

[Think About It...]

Thanks - that long last look may never be forgotten. It IS sad.

[lessonslearned]

Thanks - that long last look may never be forgotten. It IS sad.

[bpdlover]

Don't feel left out that a person who wants to destroy you from the inside out hasn't called. It's like feeling bad that a burglar decided to bypass your house. (tongue in cheek) Instead, celebrate the wonderful relationship you had with them. The great emotional maturity they showed when you were discarded like a sandwich wrapper. In all seriousness, the night is young. You need to focus on you. The insidious nature of the disorder means they could pop up to read the eulogy at your funeral. I have felt like this many times over two years. My ex left me, alienating a child after the birth and it left me dumbfounded. It is punishment for telling her I was unable to tolerate her splitting behaviour. There were days when I wondered why, buried under all that shame, she couldn't sense the numbing force of co-dependency pulling her towards the phone to make crappy double talk again.

[BP39]

I don't why they only get worse .I was with my stbxw for 15 years I got recyled twice not knowing at the time once we had been together 6 years I was deployed for a year we had a young child at the time 15 months .she stuck around about 3 and a half months and totally vanished unanswerd phone calls no mail nothing just vanished.I get back she doesn't tell the whole story couple months. Go by she finds herself in one of the roughest neighborhoods in the city I'm 5oo miles away floats a line that she wants our daughter to have her mom and dad back together. I come move her out get a very good house in a great family neighborhood .see there was a need for me to rescue.time goes on things are good as they can be in a BPD r/s we have another child then we move again to another city we brought the perfect house on aculdasac nice yard dog cat 2 kids cars paid off not hurting for anything she doesn't work what more could she ask for.she goes and cheats with a 20 year old boy from sams club has all in my house while I work.nude webcam shows to her other internet b/f s then she splits again back to where she started lasted 6 weeks there no money and health issues on the horizon she recycles again I bite because of the family atmosphere try and make her happy again she's fine for about a year then right back in the tank again.now present she leaves to take care of dying mom we are to move back to where we before I'm thinking it will make her feel better guess what she's up cheating within a months time finds a new b/f and has abadoned me and the 2 kids I'm a finacial wreck with 2 elemantary aged kids and she's offliving life as a teenager not having a care or responsibilty in the world think she cares about her kids yeah right they come maybe 4th or 5 on her list she won't even come visit them and we are onlyy 6 hours away...recycle. sometimes it needs to be thrown away it only gets worse everytime

[lessonslearned]

I don't think it's the recycle we want - it's the "no" we fantasize we will say (or imply in our silence. It's ego stuff. Not getting one and pining for it is ego, and getting one and seeing it as a tribute to us is ego. Recycles are not about us, it's not about anything we lack or anything we have.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[matwater]

So what do we think will happen when the restraint order runs out against me?

[bpdlover]

The order has just run out here and I expect life to continue as is. They do what they like so there's no telling. I would value the NC you have and take the opportunity to gain clarity on a destructive relationship. The choice is yours as to the direction you wish to take. Obviously if children are involved you need to be mindful of this. Do the things that you have been neglecting while focused on somebody else and also put some boundaries in place.

[matwater]

I've optd for Friends/Family/Music/Running/walking/Voluntary Work_

[matwater]

Oh what diffence a day makes 

I've now picked my sons up from school and I've past her in the school yard... I just can't get past why!

Today I feel so empty inside all I can remember are the good times..

Good job I'll be busy from now onwards with Scouts camp on this long weekend.

Who has BPD me or her?

[bpdlover]

Good question. More than likely the ex, since you may have offered more emotional consistency. Be good to yourself matwater and give yourself time. Don't expect to be out of the chains in the blink of an eye. We often push for this too quickly because the pain is great. Know what you have to do and stick to it through the pain. Remember the bad times, it's good to have a balance.

[myself]

The closer you get, the harder it is for them to remain 'close'. Can't Live their Love. As sad, confusing, and strange as that may be, it Is what it Is. Also, in my case, as others here have said as well, the more I showed her I was onto what was going on (her black and white thinking, casting all blame on me when it was really Her actions, etc.), the more distance she put between us. Now this 'final distance' of breaking us up 'forever'. Has she recycled before? Yes, and I fell into that as well, doing what I could to 'win her back'. Now she says I'm being 'Punished' and I 'Lost Her'. This may be her way of projecting all her stuff onto me like a scapegoat and sending me off into the wilderness, trying to free herself of all she's going through, so... She may Never contact me again. Just to 'be rid of it' (although it's still right there with her at all times until she really faces/deals with it, if possible).

I will go through these pains and will come out of it a better person though. Why feel bad about losing someone who was never really here? In the long run, I hope she doesn't contact me anymore. I fell for it too many times in the past, and the future looks to good to miss out on. The only 'recycling' any of us should be experiencing from here on out is helping turn Ourselves into something even better, changing what Was into what Is, right here, right now.

[bpdlover]

They don't perceive truly being close, as closeness. That would be a threat. Most can only exist with enmeshment. NC!

[matwater]

I thought I made so much progess last week I got my head around that she never loved me a all and I recoqnised that the last 5 years were a waste.

But I find myself here again today wishing she'd contact me but this time I'm also fantascing that she'll offer to get help.

[ellil]

We go through cycles, ups and downs. With me, the downs latest not as long and became more and more infrequent. You know the saying, "Two steps forward, one step back."

Be patient and gentle with yourself.

M

[bpdlover]

Good points. It is very hard mourning the loss of something that didn't exist. The ex used to tell me in her last phase that I would remember her forever and never get over her if she left. It was as if she knew her modus operandi. Possibly from her failed marriage and the notes she informed me her ex made about her. Be patient and gentle with yourself as ellil mentioned and focus on doing things for your enjoyment. Your happiness doesn't depend on someone else.

[matwater]

Thanks for your kind words..

Looking after myself is exactly what I'm on with.

This weekend I'm away doing the three peak challenge this will do my self estem no end of good, big challenge and doing with 15 others so some new friends in there also.

I'm concentrating on my sons who are having a difficult time around there mothers, so I'm so glad I'm back in the land of the living.

All in all avoiding romantic relationships and building existing ones with friends and family