ok... honestly, I cannot do this anymore

[Think About It...]

Really! I have talked to all my friends, meditate, to my brother, walked, try to work, took anxiety pills, written and read on the internet, tried some dbt tools...still my urge of responding to his desperate mail ...where he is begging me to call him because he really is lost ...is killing me. I think I will break contact soon. I am thinking of all the scenarios that can happen: he has a girlfriend witch I don't know about, he will rage on me now that I call after a few day...I don't know. My thoughts are based on the fact that now even everyone around him sees he has problems...so I don't think he can go against me...pfffff...I think the best thing now is to tell me some things I have to use in communicating with him rather than trying to stop me! I feel I cannot stop myself...really!

[nonbpd]

Really! I have talked to all my friends, meditate, to my brother, walked, try to work, took anxiety pills, written and read on the internet, tried some dbt tools...still my urge of responding to his desperate mail ...where he is begging me to call him because he really is lost ...is killing me. I think I will break contact soon. I am thinking of all the scenarios that can happen: he has a girlfriend witch I don't know about, he will rage on me now that I call after a few day...I don't know. My thoughts are based on the fact that now even everyone around him sees he has problems...so I don't think he can go against me...pfffff...I think the best thing now is to tell me some things I have to use in communicating with him rather than trying to stop me! I feel I cannot stop myself...really!

[luckystrikes]

personally i dont really like to push one way or the other unless the person has made a firm decision and needs support/wants to stick to it, so is this what youre after, or more of a "its okay to contact"?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[rooftop]

Really! I have talked to all my friends, meditate, to my brother, walked, try to work, took anxiety pills, written and read on the internet, tried some dbt tools...still my urge of responding to his desperate mail ...where he is begging me to call him because he really is lost ...is killing me. I think I will break contact soon. I am thinking of all the scenarios that can happen: he has a girlfriend witch I don't know about, he will rage on me now that I call after a few day...I don't know. My thoughts are based on the fact that now even everyone around him sees he has problems...so I don't think he can go against me...pfffff...I think the best thing now is to tell me some things I have to use in communicating with him rather than trying to stop me! I feel I cannot stop myself...really!

Non- dont break NC whatever you do...You and i came on this site around he same time and i have followed your path, and you have always fought with NC, and you know that contact will hurt you ad set u back a long way...It is not worth it.

His desperate emails are all about him, he does not care for your feelings as he has show that He will Be like a little child calling for help and when you respond he willpull a face and go "na na nan na na" as children tease..

Stay strong Non, we are with you all the way...  

RT

[nonbpd]

Frankly...I am after something that will not make me feel so bad... I guess I am lost ...I used to think about myself I am wise, and I can deal with any kind of personality...The truth is I don't want him back as a man...but also I cannot know what weapons he will use, and how it will effect me...My purpose is that I care for someone who was once in my life and her he is not well...I want to help him...go to a doctor...I just cannot even know how bad he is...Pfff...I swear...I don't know...I really want to do this I guess...

[turtle]

nonBPD

This is the guy that told all of his friends that YOU were stalking him.

Interesting, isn't it?  When he supposedly needs help, he reaches out to his "stalker."

If you are really going to contact him, are you prepared for him not to be happy to hear from you?

turtle

[Rise]

I am thinking of all the scenarios that can happen: he has a girlfriend witch I don't know about, he will rage on me now that I call after a few day...I don't know.

All these scenarios seem to be about what he's going to do. How he's going to handle it. How about how you're going to handle it? Do you really think you can do this without it negatively impacting you?

[nonbpd]

turtle, I guess not. He is talking constantly with his friends about me, and even they said they don't understand y isn't he getting over me...yeah...I am sure he is dating, but especially when he is drinking he talks about me constantly...so I know now they know I am not the stalker.
He has tried so much until now thru my friends facebook, thru my friends to get to me...and he couldn't ...he was begging people to convince me to talk to him...so I guess...no, because he realizes it is a limited edition...me calling him...he knows after this he will not have the chance. This e-mail was a mistake as I blocked him...I still have no idea how it got through, and I immediately blocked him again.

[nonbpd]

All these scenarios seem to be about what he's going to do. How he's going to handle it. How about how you're going to handle it? Do you really think you can do this without it negatively impacting you?

I know all I have to say is: yes, I understand to everything he says, and then ...I think you should see a doctor...so more variables on this 2 things. I have no intention of unblocking him on any channel, just to let him know this is the situation, I have no intention to let him have any info abt my life or know something about his life, just...my message will be the same he is hearing from his friends: go to a dr...I just want to make sure, if he attepts suicide or something, I will have the peace that...at least I tried...

[turtle]

Well, if you're really going to contact him, you need to be prepared for him to hate you for it.

I hope you don't do this, nonBPD.  I really do.  The relationship you have with him is VERY enmeshed and EXTREMELY toxic.  He has a lot of people around him - including the new gf - who could help him if he truly wanted to be helped.

However...if contacting him is really what you decide to do...please do not disappear from here (I've seen this happen so many times.)  Come back here and tell us what's going on, so that you are talking to someone about it.  You are in the danger zone and your perspective can be skewed very easily right now.

turtle

[OTB]

I was in a desperate situation of breaking NC before.  I met with my therapist.  She said at the beginning of the session...ok, so you will contact her then.  We started talking about why I wanted to contact her and the events that had transpired and at the end of the session I no longer wanted to contact her.  

My T said sometimes it is just the idea of allowing someone to have the feeling they can do it instead of everyone saying you can't.  Then you have the power of it's your choice.

Hang in there...whatever you decide.  It does get better.  It truly does.  The rough patches become less and less.
OTB

[nonbpd]

personally i dont really like to push one way or the other unless the person has made a firm decision and needs support/wants to stick to it, so is this what you're after, or more of a "its okay to contact"?

I do understand you saying this. I am just wondering one thing: did someone went first time NC and never ever tested the waters and then went back?

[ellil]

Hi NonBPD, Seeking Balance asked you a very good question yesterday:

This leaving board is about detaching - let me be direct with you nonBPD since you are posting a lot and seem to want some answers.

Do you want to detach or do you want to save your ex?  There is no right or wrong, just a choice for you to make.

It's either detach and be done with him NC, or save him...there's no in between really, when it comes to you detaching. You are moving away from detaching when you contact him.

You said:

my message will be the same he is hearing from his friends: go to a dr

You are not saying anything different. Do you believe because you say them he'll do something he would not do when the rest of his world told him? Seems to me to be master manipulation on his part. If you give in to this, he has control back, even if you don't think so, he does--because you've done exactly what he wanted you to do. Master Manipulator.

So it really does come down to this: Take a ruler, with Detachment on one end and Re-engagement on the other. You're closer to detachment right now. If you make contact with him, you will be closer to reengagement. You need to decide which direction you want to go in.

You sound very anxious and frustrated with this. This is what happens when we can't make a decision. I hate that feeling so I totally empathize with you on this.  

M

[Rise]

All these scenarios seem to be about what he's going to do. How he's going to handle it. How about how you're going to handle it? Do you really think you can do this without it negatively impacting you?

I know all I have to say is: yes, I understand to everything he says, and then ...I think you should see a doctor...so more variables on this 2 things. I have no intention of unblocking him on any channel, just to let him know this is the situation, I have no intention to let him have any info abt my life or know something about his life, just...my message will be the same he is hearing from his friends: go to a dr...I just want to make sure, if he attepts suicide or something, I will have the peace that...at least I tried...

If this will get the monkey off your back once and for all, and you really feel you have no other option, then maybe you should just do it. But make sure you close the door as quickly as you can. And just be aware, there is going to be a next time. This is going to happen again. Are you going to be prepared for that? How is the next time going to be different from this time?

[nonbpd]

If this will get the monkey off your back once and for all, and you really feel you have no other option, then maybe you should just do it. But make sure you close the door as quickly as you can. And just be aware, there is going to be a next time. This is going to happen again. Are you going to be prepared for that? How is the next time going to be different from this time?

very good question...guess...I don't know the answer to this question...I can make supposition "about...ok after I saw this did not work I will realize...blah...blah...blah"...I guess I have only short term solutions right now in my state

[nonbpd]

Hi NonBPD, Seeking Balance asked you a very good question yesterday:

This leaving board is about detaching - let me be direct with you nonBPD since you are posting a lot and seem to want some answers.

Do you want to detach or do you want to save your ex?  There is no right or wrong, just a choice for you to make.

It's either detach and be done with him NC, or save him...there's no in between really, when it comes to you detaching. You are moving away from detaching when you contact him.

You said:

my message will be the same he is hearing from his friends: go to a dr

You are not saying anything different. Do you believe because you say them he'll do something he would not do when the rest of his world told him? Seems to me to be master manipulation on his part. If you give in to this, he has control back, even if you don't think so, he does--because you've done exactly what he wanted you to do. Master Manipulator.

So it really does come down to this: Take a ruler, with Detachment on one end and Re-engagement on the other. You're closer to detachment right now. If you make contact with him, you will be closer to reengagement. You need to decide which direction you want to go in.

You sound very anxious and frustrated with this. This is what happens when we can't make a decision. I hate that feeling so I totally empathize with you on this.  
M

I sound like that because I am! It aaalll make sense...everything has logic...but I felt I lost control over myself...and feel more than I think! Ok...I will wait a bit more...maybe it will go away eventually!...

[luckystrikes]

the reason i dont like to push one way or the other, is because everyones situation is unique, and everyone must go through their own process. quite often, making mistakes is part of that process, obviously, as was our remaining in the relationship.

i have read stories of members having one last contact, and finally "seeing" the disorder, or whatever, just coming away from the experience with a new found resolve. i know if my ex ever contacts me, at this point i am extremely unlikely to respond, but i wouldnt rule it out.

that does NOT mean i think that it is a good idea to go through with it. i think you will be hurt, i think you will regret it, and i think you will kick yourself pretty hard for going through with it, if you do.

remember, he is appealing to a certain 'weakness' of yours, which is caring. caring in itself isnt a weakness. but putting another persons wants at the expense of our mental health is. thats what hes doing, though i wouldnt suggest its conscious or malicious. but hes appealing to the part of you he knows he can get a response out of. that right there, i think, is a good reason not to do it. youre vulnerable. this is an abuser. abusers abuse. you come to the rescue, you get dropped on your ass for your efforts. you cant help him, and youre not responsible for him. hes got to do that on his own, and frankly, being able to depend on others to soothe him is not good for him. something a member said to me made me think. boundaries are for our own protection. but theyre not only good for us, theyre good for our relationships, and theyre good for people who dont get the concept of boundaries and try to exploit them. i was wanting to contact the girl id been seeing after my BPDex (it ended badly), but i was talked out of it for that reason. i dont know if doing it "for her" was the best motivation, or my entire goal, but i did not make the contact, and im glad i did not. frankly, whatever excuse you need NOT to allow them back in is fine, so long as you ultimately sort out the right reasons.

the choice is obviously yours, and id support you either way. but do heed the advice of others, and the bad experiences of others.

[OTB]

hey nonBPD...you posted to someone yesterday regarding breaking NC.

Do you have a plan if there actually is a monster in the closet?

What if you do contact him...what does your monster look like?

I have been there...NC is no fun, but it is to protect you.  Breaking NC is like picking off a scab...it hurts and the wound is exposed again.
Hang in there! 
OTB

[ellil]

Ohhh, I like that -- "feel more than I think"--yes, pesky little buggers those feelings.

So you take a bit more time to make the "feel" part lessen and the "think" part strengthen, then you make a decision!

You are a rational thinker because I've read many of your posts and that's one thing I remember most about you...just have to give the feelings a bit of time to weaken before making the rational decision.



M

[nonbpd]

Thank you luckystrikes very much!
In 5 months seams I forgot how awful he was to me. I remember some things, but it is like I do not identify myself with that weak little person I was with him...guess I am over-estimating myself...

Ellil...thank you for reminding me I am rational! I guess I gave up on this perception about myself.

grrrr...ok...I will hold on a little bit more...I keep telling my brain..." just wait...it will eventually go away! It will go away!" But the e-mail was on Sunday...and here I am on Thursday...still thinking about breaking NC...Another lye I tell my brain is...ok...if you bump into him...you are allowed to tell him what you want to tell him now...but at least you have the excuse of not choosing to re-engage. You can blame faith then...Now...if something happened you can blame no-one but yourself!

Pffff...I found it weird...it is nice to see people here even remember my other posts...I feel such an anonymous..because this person guess treat me so much like an object I became one in my mind...I think it is a lot of low self-esteem that make me break contact. I started feeling I will never meet someone nice, that love me truly so I should settle for this ...

Thank you everyone

[luckystrikes]

have you tried writing "the list"? forgive me if ive recommended it before, i recommend it often, because it was huge for me. i was, at the time, struggling with cyber peeking. i wouldnt go to her facebook, but id type part of her name in the little search bar, and could see her profile picture, and every time shed change it id go into a tail spin. people were suggesting i write the list, but i saw little point. my head was full of reasons to be over her, never look back, etc. what good would writing it do? lots. tons. i did it, and as i did it, it became more a letter to myself. i actually posted it recently when i stumbled on it. i found i was really channeling some hidden anger. i reminded myself of everything that disgusted me, turned me off, annoyed me, the things that should have been deal breakers, etc. no, i wasnt suddenly over her, but the change was profound. it kicked the pedestal out from under her. i no longer cared what this sick person was doing on her facebook. it was a truly useful exercise and id encourage it to anyone, especially those struggling to recall the bad.

also, i thought of a couple more points:

try asking yourself how exactly you can help him. can you cure his disorder? nope. oh, you could tell him about BPD and recommend a therapist, but we all know how that would go. remember that not only is he bad for you, but in a way, you are bad for him. not in any sense that you can control. but you have an intense, volatile bond. his relationship with you triggers/triggered the feelings of his disorder. so essentially, if you respond and try to help, you are likely, inadvertently, to hurt him. or for him to feel hurt somehow. and what happens then? he hurts back, and big time. one other thing that motivated me is DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE their ability to destroy your world. its the whole wild animal analogy. this animal might be in a cage, and might be looking at you affectionately, but if you do stick your hand in and try to pet the animal, the animal will do what it does naturally, and bite, possibly your hand off. theres really no GOOD that could come of this correspondence. like i said, keep asking yourself "well, how exactly could i help him?" really, we cant. think how hard it is for him to help himself. if you could talk to this person and soothe them, and go about your merry way, i dont think anyone would be inclined to stand in the way of that. dont see talking to him or comforting him as "noble", only "a mistake". no matter how good you are, it will be a wasted investment, with diminishing returns.

ps. youre getting into some good insight with your last post. its good that you can identify your thoughts and feelings, kind of more as "symptoms" and expect them to pass. they will. but i know how hard it is and how long it can take. im still kinda sore over the three month thing with a complete waste of time. let me elaborate a bit, because i had a similar thought process at the time. i think it was before i learned about BPD. i was in agony over wondering if shed ever speak to me again, or what if i didnt speak to her, etc. my mother simply reminded me i DO have SOME say in the matter. i can talk to her any time. i could wait a year. i could wait a decade. i could do it right now. i knew that in time i would arrive at a place where that was the last thing i wanted, and i have. and you will too. but you know, lets say this person isnt disordered, never abused you in any way, treated you like a princess, etc. well, i think if that were the case, obviously in time youd come to realize that, and be free to act. so if youre struggling with similar ideas, you can kinda trick yourself, i think, to make it a bit easier. it CAN be clinging to hope, but it need not be. i also couldnt accept early on that this person was not "the one" and that would could be reconciled. again, i knew my mind would change in time, and it did. there are very effective ways with dealing with such troubling thoughts.

" I started feeling I will never meet someone nice, that love me truly so I should settle for this ..."

i can tell you how wrong that is, but only part of you can accept that at this point. the important thing is that you recognize it. take this opportunity to start standing up for yourself here and now. "i will NOT go back to an abuser, i will NOT go back to an abuser, i will NOT go back to an abuser." it is wrong, and you do deserve better, but i understand completely that the lack of self esteem fights that perception. doing the work of increasing/improving your self esteem can and will change that. almost like magic. you WILL wonder what in the world you even saw in this person, when it does. to bring up the three month girl again, when i was struggling with wanting to fire off a little bit at her, my best friend said "i dont feel like this btch even deserves to hear from you." thats not exactly the most polite way to put it, but he was right. she very carelessly allowed me to buy her an 80 dollar concert ticket, and bailed, without even telling me. now that doesnt completely shut it off for me, at least not yet, even though it should. but i remind myself if this were a guy friend, would i feel this way? hell no. id be pissed. i wouldnt WANT to hear from them. i simply cannot allow it to be okay for someone to treat me that way, and i wont, despite how i feel. i would encourage you to try and apply the same principle to yourself.