My troubled mind - a rambling of my confused thoughts

[Think About It...]

How do I begin this? And how do I order my thoughts?
My therapist just called me and this is a touchy situation. He has been our marriage counsellor since 2009 at her instigation. As it turns out he is a really great guy and has a blunt no nonsense approach to plying his trade. In fact he is now doing his doctorate in psychology. Now, at her instigation he is willing, wanting and planning with me to take me on solo to help me fix my damaged mental state. Since he contacted me earlier this week and from a long 2 hour phone conversation determined that I was definitely at risk from the years of abuse, especially the unrelenting abuse I have been dealt from her over the past 6 weeks. He is concerned that either my health will kill me or she will push me too far and I will kill myself. I don_

[Empty]

How do I begin this? And how do I order my thoughts?
My therapist just called me and this is a touchy situation. He has been our marriage counsellor since 2009 at her instigation. As it turns out he is a really great guy and has a blunt no nonsense approach to plying his trade. In fact he is now doing his doctorate in psychology. Now, at her instigation he is willing, wanting and planning with me to take me on solo to help me fix my damaged mental state. Since he contacted me earlier this week and from a long 2 hour phone conversation determined that I was definitely at risk from the years of abuse, especially the unrelenting abuse I have been dealt from her over the past 6 weeks. He is concerned that either my health will kill me or she will push me too far and I will kill myself. I don_

[Empty]

I sit here and reflect on the path my life has taken with this woman over the 8 years we have been together. 8 years on and I have no friends, my family has bugger all to do with me as a result of all the trouble she caused to alienate me from them. I even have to keep talking to my mother a secret from her.
The only upside is I used to smoke a lot of dope (weed, mull, whatever you want to call it) and now I haven_

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[OnceConfused]

Empty:

Just post some more thoughts, even random. I can see that you have a very clear understanding of who your wife is and her effects on you/child and a self introspection.

By putting down more of your thoughts, you will be able to see through the fear of the unknowns and make the right decisions.

Don't settle for just SURVIVING, but demand of yourself TO LIVE and TO LIVE JOYFULLY. Then you will make the right decision.

[Empty]

Thanks foryour comments Onceconfused.

I think I knew for a long time what my wife is but allowed myself to be blindsided forI even now love her but at the same time hate and despise her for what she has done and what she continues to do. She has no morality and her concern for others is nothing more than a chore to be undertaken in order to gain something. What astounds me is the sheer level of intelligence and cunning she has in the way that she can be so destructive yet elicit sympathy around her. So many times I have had to hold my family together when she has run rip on one of her rampages and i'm the one who ends up being the bad guy.

Anyway right here and now this is about me surviving the next few months and finding the strength to go on despite anything she will do. I am trying to develop my exit strategy and as said before the thought of leaving my kids tears me apart. Knowing that this must be done and it isn't forever is cold comfort. But when has the right thing to de ever been the easy thing?

I thought about how to use this site and for my personal strength have chosen to do this post as a kind of online journal. With good fortune this is yet another tool I can use to keep me strong enough to follow the right path and leave this nightmare behind before it kills me.

[Empty]

Ok another instalment of my life.
Today I was meant to go home as tomorrow we have to meet with my T who was our marriage counsellor. She told me to leave 4 days ago now allegedly on the advice of her brand new T who she had only spoken to on the phone that day to organise her first consult.  Even that rings false to me. What T would say for the partner to leave when they have never even met the patient? What had she told him? No point ruminating on it as I will probably never know. Besides this entire situation is a circle within circles and filled with smokescreens as my T knows her as a borderline and is taking steps to help/prepare me to leave her.
So, this afternoon she texts me and states, that the tension between us is too great, and best if I stay away for the time being. This is after I had told the kids last night I would be home tonight. To me it smacks of her scene setting to say to the kids, _

[Empty]

Shaking my head at the irony of this. She has told people I am violent and she is scared. Her reason for this, I threw the cushions off the lounge and punched the fridge after enduring her verbal assault on me for over 2 hours last tuesday night. What was this over you ask? I worked a 14 hour day and even after calling and telling her i would be late home she decided i was out screwing around.

I guess she just forgot to tell these same people about the violence i have been on the recieving end from her for all these years and i have the scars to prove it. bloody hell! I even have a scar that is a perfect imprint of her teeth in my forearm. and that is from 6 weeks ago.

Talk about playing the victim and playing to an audience!

[Empty]

Another day and still this tangled mess inside of me.
Turned my work and personal phones to silent as I couldn_

[KrazyKatSis]

Dear Empty,

You will find lots of helpful information on these boards. Once you decide what is best for you and your children, your mind will feel calmer. Making a decision, even a painful one, is (at the very least) a type of closure. It may seem complicated but it's really very simple. What do you want? For yourself, for your children? Is the answer, "I want her to change and take responsibility for her actions"? If so, how well is that working? Will she want to change?

Whatever you decide, the people in here have tread the path you're walking. Their insight can be valuable and can ease your troubling thoughts.

Keep posting to let us know how to help you.

[Empty]

Thanks for your comments KrazyKatSis.

I am developing my exit strategy and as horrible as it sounds my bpfw is going to follow a pattern she has done time and again when I have left her. She is going to use the kids as emotional blackmail and then when that doesn't work she is going to drag out the old tried and tested suicide attempt to force him to come back.
The difference this time is that I am not going to play.

What makes it difficult for me is that I actually love my kids and in a strange way love/hate my W. I wish her no harm rather only wish she would be genuine in getting the therapy that could change everything. Sadly for our marriage there is too much bitterness and pain for me to want to save it.

Hah! I write that and yet here I am caught in the push/pull dynamic that our marriage has been. I say i'm leaving and mean it yet that thought fills me with fear and my guts start churning.

Sometimes I really am pathetic.

[KrazyKatSis]

Developing a strategy sounds like a good plan, and not pathetic at all. One thing I can tell you, from these boards and from living through my dBPDsis's messy relationships, is to document everything. My dBPDsis would beat on her 2nd husband (pinch him when he would fall asleep so that he couldn't sleep through the night, pushed him down the stairs, threw a skillet at him, etc., etc., etc.) to the point that he had to get an order of protection from her during their divorce. Oh how she can rage. (Now mind you, she was having an affair with her 1st husband while married to the 2nd husband.) She burst into 2nd husband's house in violation of the order, punched him up, then called the police, had him arrested for domestic violence! Even though she was in violation! He had never documented any of the abuse he suffered. Communicate in emails, keep copies, let neighbors and friends and children's teachers/caregivers all know what is happening, to protect yourself and your children.

Stay true to yourself! 

[Empty]

My kids know of the abuse they have had to witness much of it. Unfortunately the only one beside them who know of the abuse is my T who was our marriage counsellor and that isn't much help. she is very good at keeping her violence towards me out of the public view.

My ray of hope is what my T said to me in that he has kept every voice message, text message and email she has ever sent him. Couple that with her diagnosis by one of his collegues and the times she has come to the attention of the authorities it can all help to discount her. The police, DOCS, mental health ward have all had repeated dealings with her and frankly have little sympathy for her.

[Empty]

And the hits just keep on coming...

So today we are meant to go and see my T who was our marriage counsellor in order for her to consent to him seeing me one on one. This has evolved at her instigation and as to be expected over this week she has been for it, against it, I can only see him if she has total control of the situation, she demands to be appraised by him of everything that is discussed. And the list goes on and on.

Yesterday it was up to me to organise for the kids to go to a friends place while we are at this appt., which I did. I was also supposed to go home last night. Which I didn't as she was doing the push me/ pull me routine.

Cutting to the chase my T has called me and is shaking his head at her BPD behaviour. so this is how it stands at the moment, I have to go pick up the kids and drop them off, then in seperate cars we are going to the appt. I have told my T that this might be a ploy from her to trap me on the property as she has done in the past so she can have a major piece of me in a verbal and physical attack. He said go there and see what happens, if she does that then escape when you can, best case is she will attend the appt. and then figure I will be home afterwards and she will have more ammunition to attack me with. Regardless he has said that if she doesn't give consent then I am to go to a doctor and get a referral for me to see him and that will absolve any ethical problems he could face regards her.

Why does even the simplest thing have to be such a bloody drama?

[Empty]

So this is how today panned out.
I went and picked up the kids and dropped them off at a friends place. Driving there I could feel the tension and fear growing in me to the point I was shaking by the time I pulled up. The kids ran to greet me and I got big hugs from them, my son was talking non-stop and he kept repeating that he missed me. Bpdw was standing next to car and I was freaking out on the inside, my chest felt like it was clamped in a vice and I could barely talk. I mustn_

[BrainHurts]

So when are you getting to the doctor for your health?

[Empty]

Hopefully sometime this week if i can get an appt

[BrainHurts]

Make this a priortiy because if you don't get yourself healthy you can't take care of anyone else.

[Rose1]

Hi - so here in Aus it's supposed to be an equal opportunity society. I know it isn't but I wonder how you would go taking your kids with you because of her violence and going down to a domestic violence shelter? If she threatens suicide have the men in white coats out.

Now things have changed in the last 15 years or so since my separation and it's become a whole lot more PC.  My DH tried the domestic violence shelter in the US and was met with shock that he was male and turned away, but I wonder how that will go here - particularly since you still have the bite marks. I would think technically they should accept you. Worth a try?

Rose

[Empty]

Hi Rose1

Sadly the shelters here in Aus cater only to women and kids is what i've been led to understand. Basically the mindset that men cannot be victims of DV is the reality despite the odd inference to say otherwise.

[Rose1]

Thought it might be better than a motel room, and with the kids. Given all the talk lately about abuse, definitions and an understanding that females abuse men becoming a little more common, I really thought you might be in with a chance. Only last week it was announced that Federal parliament (if my memory serves me correctly) has redefined abuse. The website below says one in three approx abused are male. I'd be inclined to see what the situation is.

http://www.oneinthree.com.au/

Also if your BPDw threatens suicide - call an ambulance - better out of her hearing and let them deal with her. They have dart guns etc.

Rose

[KrazyKatSis]

Only with BPD can you get all this drama! Yes, every little thing turns into the most convoluted crap. Hang tough and take care of yourself. When you're depressed and under chronic stress, the chemistry of your brain changes. You wouldn't feel badly about taking high blood pressure medication if you needed it, right? It's the same thing with antidepressants. They make up for the very real physical changes in your brain. Plus you just might feel better...and that's worth it.