Am I expecting too much?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

    My BPDh has been working really hard on trying to be a better (H) and father. He has made some improvement...and reminds me often how hard he has been trying. No, he has not been yelling as much and he is trying to be less controlling. The problem is that as hard as he is trying, and I can see he is, it is just not enough for me. I see less of the BPD behaviors  but they are still there.

     He still does not connect in an emotional level with my S8 and myself. He still snaps and yells at times...although he does apologize to S8 afterwards.I feel alot of guilt because I can see he is really working hard at being a better father and H...but I really do not think he can fully get better without outside help and alot of work.

      I think he expects me to be happy and open up again, since he has shown some improvement in the last few months. This is very difficult for me since I am still very unhappy of how treats S8 and myself.  I feel like I should be more supportive over his efforts but I am just too emotionally drained!   

       My question is: Do you think I am expecting too much...should I be happy that he is at least trying? In my eyes, trying would mean getting help and really working through his issues. I don't believe he could fully change on his own. Am I being too hard on him?

[Summer1]

    My BPDh has been working really hard on trying to be a better (H) and father. He has made some improvement...and reminds me often how hard he has been trying. No, he has not been yelling as much and he is trying to be less controlling. The problem is that as hard as he is trying, and I can see he is, it is just not enough for me. I see less of the BPD behaviors  but they are still there.

     He still does not connect in an emotional level with my S8 and myself. He still snaps and yells at times...although he does apologize to S8 afterwards.I feel alot of guilt because I can see he is really working hard at being a better father and H...but I really do not think he can fully get better without outside help and alot of work.

      I think he expects me to be happy and open up again, since he has shown some improvement in the last few months. This is very difficult for me since I am still very unhappy of how treats S8 and myself.  I feel like I should be more supportive over his efforts but I am just too emotionally drained!   

       My question is: Do you think I am expecting too much...should I be happy that he is at least trying? In my eyes, trying would mean getting help and really working through his issues. I don't believe he could fully change on his own. Am I being too hard on him?

[Sensitive Man]

Summer1, to his credit, he is trying. He is apologizing. While it sounds like he is making an effort, it sounds like you and he need to do in depth couple counseling to work on whatever issues there are. I agree with you that it is really difficult as a nonBPD to trust his improvement, after his history and with his occassional relapses. You are both human. You both can make good choices. You both can make mistakes. So, please encourage him to do couple counseling on a regular basis. Only then will the road to recovery possibly take place. At least, yours is making the effort. My BPDw will not even consider couple counseling, because she feels she has too many issues of her own. She is basically avoiding confrontation when, in fact, she and I need to talk and to have a mediator, a counselor, to help us both. The best of luck to you!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Rise]

I think you should be happy he is trying. Satisfied, no. It's great that he is trying. And it's probably a good idea to let him know so (positive reinforcement is a powerful tool). That doesn't mean you should stop expecting more out of him.

[supernurse]

Oh my goodness, Summer1, you took the words right out of my mouth!  My dBPDh has begun individual counseling and we are starting marriage counseling later this month.  I can see that he is trying, but I worry that it's not enough - that it's just too little too late.  I've been through 18 years of rages, complete lack of empathy, occasional (fairly mild) physical violence, cheating, and many other types of betrayal.  This is his first real concerted effort to improve his behavior, but I think I'm just too hurt and too mad.  I cannot let myself believe that things will get better because I'm convinced I will just get blindsided again. 

But, I feel so guilty for feeling this way.  I can see he is trying, but I just cannot trust him.  He, too, wants me to "talk" to him, open up to him (emotionally and physically), and it's so draining to try to explain to someone who totally lacks the ability to understand what someone else is feeling each and every time why I'm not comfortable and don't feel safe with him.  It's almost like the movie Groundhog Day - like we start over every day and go through the same things over and over and over.

I am so emotionally and physically exhausted (we have 3 kids to add to the mix - 15, 12, & 1).  I am trying to hang on and see what happens, but I don't know how much longer I can do this.  I understand what you are going through.  I suppose I owe it to him to give him a chance, but it's hard.

I have the same kinds of questions - Do I expect too much of him?  How long do I give it until it's really clear that the feelings I had for him once are not going to return?
 

[Sensitive Man]

Summer1 and Supernurse, wow, you two and I have the same situation. Is there any remote possibility that our SO will be making a significant, permanent change? Can our SO be trusted? Will our SO go back to the negative forms of behavior, thus negating us as individuals? There's another question that we need to ask, and that is of ourselves. Do we have enough love in our own hearts for our SO to want to accept any change, or has the hurt been so significant, that any kind of improvement is truly for naught? In my own situation, my BPDw has been on this rollercoaster ride of feeling good and then being abusive with me for numerous years, even with traditional and non-traditional therapies. She has told me several times that her abusive ways of acting are ingrained in her due to her mother and that it is really difficult for her to overcome this trigger of being abusive. That's why she stays away from me as much as possible. Frankly, I don't know, if I truly trust her as a result. Yet, there are a few positive aspects about her that I love. Nevertheless, it's going to take one big, negative moment for me to walk out of here permanently, because I need to protect myself emotionally from her negative ways. The best of luck to you both, or should I say to all of us! It's a rough decision to stay, and it's a rough decision to go! 

[Summer1]

WOW...I guess we are all in the same boat, Supernurse & Hanging in there Loosely! It is good to know that people can relate to my dilemma. In one hand it is Great that they are trying...and knowing what they are facing, it is a big thing. But in the other hand...it is really not enough to sustain a Healthy Family. It is not an easy decision.

I think you should be happy he is trying. Satisfied, no. It's great that he is trying. And it's probably a good idea to let him know so (positive reinforcement is a powerful tool). That doesn't mean you should stop expecting more out of him.

I agree with you RIse. We can be happy and even celebrate  their small successes without allowing and accepting future bad behavior. This is probably the way to go! Not easy but I will try Thanks for all your feedback!
And to all who are in the same boat...Blessings to you all! 
Summer1

[RUkidding]

The fact that someone is trying to get better sure seems great. What I believe is that u are expecting way to little. It's easy for me to say that because my relationship with uBPDgf is over and it was her choice. When I sat back for a minute and looked at all I put up with and the uncertainty of how each day would go I realized how much I was was giving up. I had left a 20 year marriage to be truly happy and in love. Yet somehow I was willing to accept a future that was uncertain at best and in all likely hood going to be miserable and end poorly anyway. These relatioships suck big time. Being alone would better if your day to day interactions were anything like mine. I didn't walk away even when I knew what I was dealing with. Convinced myself it isn't that bad , it'll get better , if I just make some adjustments on my part it'll all be good. That is total BS. It is , it won't , and no that make her change. If she could change she would of already. No one wants to have the life they have. I may seem very gative towards the idea of having the type of relationship with them that all of us would like but I would say I'm just being realistic. IMHO I think they may improve a lil and may act out a lil less. All that means is ur relationship might and I mean might suck a lil less but it will still suck. This I
Truly believe. I don't wanna settle for something that sucks. I don't think anybody should. But that is just me. I just know how cruel they can be and how it seems like they could mess up a wet dream. We all have to make our own decisions as each situation is unique. To me it's just sad for both us and them that they are how they are. They will suck the life out of you of u let them and then blame it on u. Unfriggin believeable. But at one time or another each of us loved or still loves them and let them say and do things to us that was beyond belief. We might of even apologized to them for it. I am still shaking my head saying WTH was I thinking. Good luck to u in whatever u do. Sometimes I know we have to be saints to put up with it all. U are prolly a very kind and giving person and I wish u well .

[Summer1]

Thanks for your feedback, RUkidding! I have to agree with what you said! It does stink to have someone drain the life out of you! I am sure you are very happy now and are probably more careful with who you choose to let in your life...God Knows I would As I am learning better boundaries... I am taking much better care of myself. I do not rescue him as I once did. I am learning the difference between being kind and letting someone walk all over me. It think that as I am becoming more Healthier there will be no more room for someone to mistreat me. I feel that this is a Journey to learn and Grow and I will know the answer (Loud and Clear) when I am ready
Thanks again!
Summer1