My troubled mind - a rambling of my confused thoughts

[Think About It...]

Thanks Rose1 and KrazyKatSis for your comments.

I am making the steps to address my health issues both mental and physical. In fact spoke to my boss an hour ago and appraised him of what has been going on. He knew i had been in hospital for severe stress but i had refrained from explaining the situation as it is embaressing, humiliating, and also potentially damaging to my employment. Anyway he is concerned that i might fall apart on the job, especially considering my position holds a great deal of responsibility. His primary concern though was for me to do what is needed to get my health back and then offered that the company will help, if able, to facilitate me in my exit strategy by organising work for me in other states when the time arises.
A humbling, painful and humiliating conversation but with a better result than i had imagined and also with a better idea of my worth in my profession and within this company.

[Empty]

Thanks Rose1 and KrazyKatSis for your comments.

I am making the steps to address my health issues both mental and physical. In fact spoke to my boss an hour ago and appraised him of what has been going on. He knew i had been in hospital for severe stress but i had refrained from explaining the situation as it is embaressing, humiliating, and also potentially damaging to my employment. Anyway he is concerned that i might fall apart on the job, especially considering my position holds a great deal of responsibility. His primary concern though was for me to do what is needed to get my health back and then offered that the company will help, if able, to facilitate me in my exit strategy by organising work for me in other states when the time arises.
A humbling, painful and humiliating conversation but with a better result than i had imagined and also with a better idea of my worth in my profession and within this company.

[Rose1]

Excellent - most larger companies have quite a good record or dealing with employee issues - you may also be entitled to free consultation with EAS (Employee assistance service) - various service providers engaged by corporations and are arms length.

Speaking as a used to be manager (now retired) I would prefer to keep my good staff in good health rather than see them go.  Healthy staff also have less accidents on the job. Makes sense for him to treat you like that but not all managers have got the message yet.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Empty]

And here is my thought to ponder for the day...

Here I sit in after telling my boss of my situation. After talking to my kids on the phone. Then BPDw comes on the line and it is all about how tough it is for her and how her limited income is going to be stretched with having to go and buy the groceries (Pretty much for all our time together I would do the shopping and pay for it), it was all wrapped in how she shouldn't complain as this time is all about me getting my health back together and she shouldn't burden me with this stuff. Yet she just kept on talking about it.

Sure i've heard all the stuff about laying down with dogs and picking up fleas. I understand what it means.

But surely sometimes you have to question if it is you with the problem.

I don't abuse alcohol,don't do drugs, don't self harm, don't come to the attention of the police as a result of my actions, don't blindly spend money, have relations with my famiy (even if it is a bit strained), don't abuse or try to withhold my kids from having a social life, i can and do cook, clean, wash, iron, sew, and maintain a property without making it sound like some mamoth task. I do handle the business of day to day life and make sure the bills are paid instead of either making up a story or ignoring them til the service is cut off.

So why is it some days I question myself?

[Rose1]

We all questions ourselves because firstly, it's normal to moderate our behaviour if we think there is a problem (btw does your BPDw think she is the problem sometimes or admit it?). Then we are told so often that we are the problem and we begin to believe it.

[Empty]

She promotes that she suffers from depression and totally rejects the diagnosis of BPD, stating that it was a mistake and she was undiagnosed but is unable to say by whom and when, seeing as after she was diagnosed she ceased seeing her T. I can only surmise that she undiagnosed herself.

Much of the time, especially when an argument is going around in circles, she will say I am the one with problems and i need to get therapy as i'm the cause of her problems.

Other times when the situation is dire or she has no way to deflect she will say she needs to confront the demons from her past. Later, usually in the same conversation, she will then reject that idea saying it is too painful for her and that she can self manage her problems and she wouldn't have problems if everyone simply left her alone.

The irony of all this is I am now in the situation of needing meds and therapy as a result of the years of this situation. I guess the good thing is that I recognise it and accept it rather than ignore or deny it. Having my T state that with a couple of months on meds and some no-nonsense work from him I should be back in a better place is somewhat of a comfort. The uncomfortable part of therapy is not knowing what it is I have to do. I guess i'm going to find out and have the resolve to be upfront and deal with it rather than try to sweep it under the table.

[Empty]

So, 2 days of text messages and phone calls from her. A good strategy on her behalf as she has the kids phone and invariably they end up giving the phone to her when they are done. So she wants to know what i am doing on my break which begins after work tomorrow. She wants me to come home on my break for the sake of the kids. Well that is a bit of a 'string' pull! I miss the kids like crazy and long to spend time with them. Starting last night she was feeling down and vented for 30minutes nonstop about how crap her day was, periodically apologising for her venting as it must be making me feel terrible. Then she comes out with if i came home she would be feeling so much better and able to cope. So her crap world is the fire keeps going out so there must be a problem with the wood. The cat ate panadol. The kids refuse to do homework. The housework isn't getting done and the house is a mess. She hasn't paid her car rego and it runs out today. One of the water tanks is almost empty and that leaves only 3 more full ones (about 20,000 gallons. 2X10,000 and 2x5000 gallon tanks at our place). Grocery shopping is expensive and she didn't like paying for it. She has headaches, runny bum, aches and pains, not sleeping, and not eating. She is stressed. Anyway the list goes on and after a while it becomes white noise to me.
I actually am considering going home for this break as it will hopefully provide me the opportunity to sneak out a few of my things as well as spend some quality time with my kids. I know my T isn't going to be all that pleased as he has said for a minimum of a month apart before I even see the kids again as he thinks this is the time i need to get my head back in working order with meds and therapy. I'm just not sure if total NC is the best right now as I think i can 'play the game' and be able to focus on myself while distracting her from what the 'big' game plan is.

[Empty]

So this is how it is.
I_

[Empty]

Update ...

So i ended up going home for my shift break. The weather suited my mood as i drove home, bleak, wet, and cold. She was sitting on the lounge in her dressing gown watching reality TV shows. The house was a mess and the cupboards were virtually bare of food. Mind you she still had her smokes and diet coke in abundance. I was feeling pretty down so i just plonked down on the lounge and faked sleep which turned into me going to sleep. It seemed the best way to avoid a confrontation. Without going into detail she took off that afternoon for the night as it was 'too emotional' for her to be in the house. As it turned out she went and got drunk in her car at the local showground. The following morning it was as if nothing had happened, she turned up home at 5.30am and had a list of things that I had to do. Top of the list was grocery shopping. I had a doctors appt which I went to as I have physical complaints from all this stress also i had to get a mental health plan and referral to see my T. She actually got pissed off that she wasn't the centre of attention and waited outside when the doc ignored her. After that it was a litany of do this, get that, have to fix that and so on while she periodically reeled off a series of ailments, I have a toothache, sore leg, headache, getting the flu, itchy, tired, depressed. And for the next 3 days this has just gone around in a circle. Mind you she did tell me to 'snap out of it' as me being depressed is just a cop out from stepping up to the plate and being a man. My T phoned me on Friday night and I described what it was like.He wasn't happy that I had caved in and gone back home for my break but understood the fact I wanted to see the kids. He said she wasn't happy the spotlight was off her and my real health issues threatened her sense of stability and that the stuff she was complaining about was her attempt to draw the attention back to herself. I actually could see that already and agreed with him. Her next big one was that she wanted sex, lots of sex and if I didn't provide it then obviously I was cheating on her while on shift. So to cut to the chase on that with as little detail as possible, I found excuses to not give in fully and only had to do the deed once at which point her sexual desire instantly ceased.I'm still wondering if this is gratification or just another way she hopes to control me? Anyway if only she knew that my sex drive is almost zero as a result of the mixed dynamics in which she uses sex as a weapon.
also my boss rag me and was concerned for me which is both comforting and yet embarrassing and slightly humiliating. Still I have a support network that is growing and I need to sneak a few things into my car before I leave in order that Ihave more than just a bag of clothes when the time comes.
My biggest worry is the effect of my leaving for an extended period of time will have on my son. He has been hanging off me like a limpet and is craving the time he has with his dad. He constantly asks me if I have to go back to work and when will I be home? This is the tough part as it is plain to me that not only is the seperation from my kids going to be hard on me it is going to impact on my son in a major way as I am the centre of his world and the one he depends on the most. He virtually ignores his mother and gives her hell, yet to hear her talk to him he is only reacting to the way he is treated. This rips me apart and it is cold comfort to know that my leaving to save myself is the only way to save them I dread the damage that it will do to them. All I can hope for is she does what she has done in the past and that is to use the 'suicide card' to try and draw me back, for it is this ploy that will ultimately position me to take the kids and leave her as a visitor to this family and to maybe, hopefully  put her into therapy that she cannot avoid and might actually help her.

Basically this weekend held nothing I didn't expect with just the details and scenarios unknown.

[Empty]

The sad thing about all this is that I know when she is lying to me and all her games. Nothing is new here anymore and nothing surprises me, it just makes me sad to know that someone you love behaves like this. I reckon she also knows that I see right through her yet she persists in this. I can only figure that she thinks that by doing what she does she can maintain a hold on me and that one day her ploys will work again. It is such a case of 'the little boy who cried wolf'. Also it is plain to me that she doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants and that includes hurting the kids.

BPD really is a sucky illness!

[Empty]

So nothing new, she went and created a situation as i packed my bag to go back on shift. The atmosphere became tense and i left straight away instead of waiting for the kids to get home from school so i could see them before i left. It's almost like she plans it.

So then emails, text messages and the rage from her. I had replied to 1 email and pointed out that right now she needs to respect and understand my feelings. Well that went down like a lead fart!

She claims to have emailed my T telling him i'm a fraud, claims i told my son i hate him, claims i'm drunk (i had 3 glasses of red wine), and the tone of the messages is one of her being totally enraged at me.

So i did get drunk after i turned my phone to silent and frankly all that achieved is a headache this morning. So not a very smart move on my behalf as it solved nothing at all.

I think she is deeply hurt that the attention is off her and is going to do what she can to redirect the spotlight. Even writing this it sounds like a silly kids game. i don't want the spotlight on me and would much prefer to simply live a simple life without this constant drama and tension.

[Empty]

So it has been a week or so now and after that last post I_

[Empty]

Another instalment in the life of Empty …
End of my shift yesterday, had another work medical, car service and appointment with my T followed by a 5 hour drive to Brisbane. Oh and worked in the morning so ended up being a 14 hour day by the time I got to my mums place.
As it happens she is at one of my brothers visiting and isn’t home so the fridge is stocked with food and a bench full of notes on how to take care of myself right down to how to use a washing machine. I love mum to bits and it cracks me up that even though I am a grown man and she is an 80 yr old, she is still the mother taking care of her boys. It’s nice to have home cooking even if it does have to be microwaved. Crazy isn’t it when you actually look forward to something as simple as rissoles, mash and peas.
Anyway saw my T and he gave me the name of a good lawyer to talk to regards the kids. Told me to keep on my meds and read me some of the countless emails BPDw is sending him. He reckons I am basically depressed and have an ‘adjustment disorder’ from my time with her. Pretty much the meds will begin to make me feel normal even though I told him I don’t know what normal is meant to feel like. He laughed and said that I just need to give it time.  He accepted it when I told him this is it for me and I can’t and won’t endure her anymore and that my priorities are me and the kids. He suggested that instead of saying that to her I buy time by saying that I want limited contact with her and thru email only to sort out visitation with the kids so that I have the space to get myself back together. A pretty good idea really and one I have taken and acted on. He laughed and said to brace myself for the tirade from her and to just ignore it.
Also DOCS contacted me back and told me they had spoken to the kids at school and were very concerned about them, also that BPDw was not able to contacted as she was getting a full sleeve tattoo. They advised me to get legal advice and understood my situation with not being able to care for the kids at this time. They understood that it is going to take time for me to put things in place so that the kids can be in my care if it works out that way. So they are doing a safety assessment on the kids and will let me know what comes of that. My SD told DOCS that they rarely get a hot meal these days, that she is basically taking care of my son and that mum sends them to bed before 7pm every night and sits on the lounge drinking and crying. That is so totally wrong treating any kid like that!
Anyway my entry for today and a lot of things to do like redirect my mail, talk to lawyer and lunch with a work colleague. Done my washing and got some office work to do to tie up the end of shift, got to speak to my boss about crew movements for next shift and then that is work done and time to relax and watch a movie from mums collection of dvd’s.

[Empty]

Another shift break coming to an end and here I am feeling empty and lost. 12 days since I last saw my kids and at least another 10 before I have the hope of seeing them.  I want to bring them up to Brisbane to have a break and see their grandma as this would give them some stability, yet I fear that BPDw will steadfastly refuse as this is not what she would want having the control taken from her hands. My kids are nothing more than pay packets and tools to her.
I have had 2 emails from her and each one is a blatant manipulation to get me to respond. To get me to capitulate. To wound me where she knows best to thrust the knife. Staying strong right now is hard when my heart is a dull and empty thing at the separation from my kids.
The anti-depressants are helping as is the time spent with my T who is doing all he can to help me to get thru this time. He told me that I will feel normal if I give it time, I told him I have no idea what normal is anymore.  I carry the debris of 8 years with this woman and even now hundreds of kilometres from her she can still fill me with fear at the thought of her obsession with dragging me back so that her life is not impacted on. I reflect on the efforts she has gone to in the past as she probes into my life and ferrets out all the little details that can be used to destabilise and control me. I hate that and I hate more that I allowed her to do this. For it is true that if I had never allowed my life to be at the whim of hers then none of this would have come to pass. Even thru this fear and loathing I know that with time I can be a stronger person and learn from the experience if only I give myself a chance.

[Empty]

Spoke to the kids on the phone last night it was so good to hear their voices. I can_

[Empty]

A quick update on events as has happened so far today.
Spoke to DOCS and they haven_

[Empty]

And the hits just keep on coming _

[Rose1]

Keep the recording - it will be useful evidence.  Moving where?

[Empty]

Hey Rose1
Turns out I have absolutely no idea. It could be fantasy or she might be planning something. You never know with her as she will lie and lie without missing a beat, even when confronted with the truth.

[Empty]

Transfer of post from 19/06/12 detailing rant of BPDw.

So BPDw is obviously feeling the strain she has DOCS (child welfare) on her back after her 4th "suicide attempt" and she is openly hostile and avoiding them. she is obviously not enjoying the limited NC (email only to organise visitation with the kids). Seriously not happy with me wanting to take them up to see their grandma on my next shift break.

So got an email this afternoon which was pretty mild just updating me on the kids, then my phone starts ringing and it went to voicemail ... the message was her telling my 6 yr old son that daddy doesn't want to talk to him as he is out with one of his girlfriends. Actually I was on the toilet but lets not allow that to stand in the way of a good story. so I call back and speak to the kids, they tell me they are packing to move house. Then BPDw gets on the line and pure venom in her voice telling me i have had multiple affairs and she is moving ... so I hung up. The strange thing about that is these multiple affairs are news to me so wondering where that came from. I'm actually wondering if she has been having affairs and it is transposing, the local cops at our old place once tried to tell me that she was carrying on with a bloke over the road from us and she went right off her tree at them over that. Needless to say I have had suspicions over the years as some of her tales of woe never seemed to ring true especially when a male was involved. Strangely she was always being targeted by people out to get her as she presented it.

Next it's text messages full of venom and saying she has a lawyerr and is initiating divorce proceedings. then a forwarded email to my T saying very much the same. On one hand I wonder what has set her off on this latest rage and on the other I couldn't care less. The sad thing is she involves the kids as pawns in this sick f*cking game!
As easy as it is to tell yourself to not take it personally and that it is the irrational BPD transposing or whatever it is still upsetting and unsettling to know that they are raging and to have no idea why.

[Rose1]

Well unfortunately the best you can do is make sure your kids have a safe haven with you and that life is as normal as it can be when they are with you - that way they get to have some idea of the abnormal.

Do you have any stuff in the house? If she packs it up you may never see it again. Does she have the means to move? If not and if you haven;t already make sure your bank accounts don't have her on them. You might also want to make sure your address is correct on your accounts and also not on hers - I had a mix up with bank accounts originally as my new one was with the same bank as the joint account (a bank I worked for at the time) and they managed to put his address on my account - I believe he got a statement. I was seriously unimpressed. No one really knows how it happened - he may have said it was his account as well but it was in my name only.

Doctors have a habit of doing that too.  These software programs that change anything linked previously without unlinking them can do it.