What stage am I on? -her dad has passed away

[Think About It...]

I've been feeling much better lately. My exBPDgf got a replacement during which she kept saying they're just 'friends'  and contacting me every now and then saying he doesn't compare to me- yea right! Poor him. This replacement I was feeling has been fading- apparently he's moving. She's sent me some texts blaming me for some things and they were so absurd that they honestly have been making me chuckle and laugh at their absurdity. Though she suffers she does it to herself and in some ways the absurdity makes it all hilarious. Especially knowing what a fantastic star of her own movie she is.

Well, I ran in to her coincidentally (she hangs out in my neighbourhood too often) and she told me that her dad passed away. I offered my sympathy and told her if she needed someone to talk to that she can talk to me- she knows I lost my dad as well. Did I feel sorry for her? Is it harsh to say not entirely? The crying acts and fake tears that I've only realized after our breakup don't gain my sympathy though I feel I'm one of the most empathetic people I know. I just know my boundaries and am too smart. I wonder how she actually feels inside and how the death of a parent can affect a BPD. She must have daddy issues I'm sure. Well, she texted me and said she's up for talking so I guess I will be seeing her.

This is what I feel right now:
I've accepted many things. I am just supply. During her stint with my replacement and her contacting me she was making me persecutor and rescuer jumping between both frequently depending on her status with the replacement. She'll make me out to whatever she wants as long as she's the victim. I sometimes play the victim role and she won't have it (this can be a fun game of who cries most and seeing her trying to up me :P  ) The love and hate she has for me is fleeting and not real to me because my feelings are defined in a different way. Love is the strength of opening your vulnerable side, trusting the other person and giving. This, she does not do. I do love her for who she is. She is a person who faked herself to win me over to make me her saviour. Made me feel like I found the one because she was the shiniest and clearest mirror and I now realize I was falling for me through her eyes. I still love her with all her sick self. I have no hate any more. I wish her well. I'm feeling better than I ever did and going NC has helped tremendously and so has breaking it. I love her in a way that I care for her. I know we can't be together and that thought isn't sad to me any more. But I know she was a pivotal point in my life and helped me learn about myself and I'm grateful for that. I respect this experience. I am a better person because of it. I also have this strange respect for people who struggle and try hard and I know she does when she is being super active, trying to make friends and focusing on work. She's trying to find stability for herself.

So I guess I'm seeing her again to talk about her dad. I'm curious about her status and also finding more dirt on this BPD thing. Finding out what has been going on behind my back that I wasn't aware of. Finding out her history. It's time to talk about daddy. I'm doing it for knowledge. I feel I have peace now but I am too fascinated with psychology and want to unravel this thing. I feel more detached than ever before. There might be a bit of pain inside but nothing that would make me start longing for her.

So, where do you guys see me at now? I'm curious what stage I'm at.

[nylonsquid]

I've been feeling much better lately. My exBPDgf got a replacement during which she kept saying they're just 'friends'  and contacting me every now and then saying he doesn't compare to me- yea right! Poor him. This replacement I was feeling has been fading- apparently he's moving. She's sent me some texts blaming me for some things and they were so absurd that they honestly have been making me chuckle and laugh at their absurdity. Though she suffers she does it to herself and in some ways the absurdity makes it all hilarious. Especially knowing what a fantastic star of her own movie she is.

Well, I ran in to her coincidentally (she hangs out in my neighbourhood too often) and she told me that her dad passed away. I offered my sympathy and told her if she needed someone to talk to that she can talk to me- she knows I lost my dad as well. Did I feel sorry for her? Is it harsh to say not entirely? The crying acts and fake tears that I've only realized after our breakup don't gain my sympathy though I feel I'm one of the most empathetic people I know. I just know my boundaries and am too smart. I wonder how she actually feels inside and how the death of a parent can affect a BPD. She must have daddy issues I'm sure. Well, she texted me and said she's up for talking so I guess I will be seeing her.

This is what I feel right now:
I've accepted many things. I am just supply. During her stint with my replacement and her contacting me she was making me persecutor and rescuer jumping between both frequently depending on her status with the replacement. She'll make me out to whatever she wants as long as she's the victim. I sometimes play the victim role and she won't have it (this can be a fun game of who cries most and seeing her trying to up me :P  ) The love and hate she has for me is fleeting and not real to me because my feelings are defined in a different way. Love is the strength of opening your vulnerable side, trusting the other person and giving. This, she does not do. I do love her for who she is. She is a person who faked herself to win me over to make me her saviour. Made me feel like I found the one because she was the shiniest and clearest mirror and I now realize I was falling for me through her eyes. I still love her with all her sick self. I have no hate any more. I wish her well. I'm feeling better than I ever did and going NC has helped tremendously and so has breaking it. I love her in a way that I care for her. I know we can't be together and that thought isn't sad to me any more. But I know she was a pivotal point in my life and helped me learn about myself and I'm grateful for that. I respect this experience. I am a better person because of it. I also have this strange respect for people who struggle and try hard and I know she does when she is being super active, trying to make friends and focusing on work. She's trying to find stability for herself.

So I guess I'm seeing her again to talk about her dad. I'm curious about her status and also finding more dirt on this BPD thing. Finding out what has been going on behind my back that I wasn't aware of. Finding out her history. It's time to talk about daddy. I'm doing it for knowledge. I feel I have peace now but I am too fascinated with psychology and want to unravel this thing. I feel more detached than ever before. There might be a bit of pain inside but nothing that would make me start longing for her.

So, where do you guys see me at now? I'm curious what stage I'm at.

[diotima]

Careful that you don't get sucked in again is my first response. Finding out how BPD "works" from the safety of our NC position is one thing; going into the belly of beast is another. Let us know. What is the fascination? When my ex's mother died his BPD went into overdrive, which is not to say he is typical. What do you think you will gain by this?
Diotima

[Rise]

I think the more important question is what stage do you think you're at?

[nylonsquid]

Careful that you don't get sucked in again is my first response. Finding out how BPD "works" from the safety of our NC position is one thing; going into the belly of beast is another. Let us know. What is the fascination? When my ex's mother died his BPD went into overdrive, which is not to say he is typical. What do you think you will gain by this?
Diotima

Thanks for the advice and info! What would I gain? I'm still not completely sure as I question my motives. I think I seek truth. I want to know everything. Who is this girl I was with? What is her past? Who was her father? I was with her for about 5 months but after all the reading I want to actually know who I was with. It's interesting how I'm discovering who she really is after the relationship.

I'm thinking out loud but I guess I'm still discovering and I'm a curious person. The more I see her the more I 'get it' so I feel detached really.

Also, I am interested in psychology and I direct films. I can't miss out on understanding human behaviour.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[nylonsquid]

I think the more important question is what stage do you think you're at?

Hello Rise- Hi!

There is some tiny bit of pain in me somewhere. There's very very little but I think it's there. I realized it last time I saw her when I told her a story of how she made me feel one time. I choked up and started tearing though I was saying the story casually. I realized saying it to her released some hurt in me. I thought I was doing fine but after that happened I felt good releasing it. It's like phlegm that I need to spit out and get out of my system after being sick. I believe this is what remains. Not sure how much more pain there is in there.

I will have to watch I don't get sucked back in but I really don't think I will. They are such an empty vessel it's unbelievable!

What stage do I think? Acceptance I think. Wow! That felt good saying it! 

* I guess I ask others because I ask myself. I always question my motives. We are driven by outside subconscious forces and I just wanted to hear what others have to say to help me see things better and hope I'm not in denial.

[Rise]

* I guess I ask others because I ask myself. I always question my motives. We are driven by outside subconscious forces and I just wanted to hear what others have to say to help me see things better and hope I'm not in denial.

I wouldn't worry then. Denial usually affects those that don't question themselves, not those that do.

[OnceConfused]

You come back just to listen to her but yet with an ulterior motive (to satisfy your curiosity about who she is/was, who her dad was ...). It sounds NOBLE or compassionate at first but I question its effectiveness and true altruism.

I know you want to comfort her, to be the hero, the rescuer, and perhaps to be her lover again. Don't go there. Be best to let bygones be bygones. You told her your condolence and that is very sufficient.

She can find comfort and support in those who are still within her circle, your innocent injection of yourself in the middle of this emotion serves only to confuse her and you more about the status of your r.s.. Additionally, you might give out the hope that things could work out now. ...

Unless you want to come back then just walk away.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi NylonSquid (love your name, by the way),

I don't know you well, obviously, and I've only been posting on this site for a little while.

But when I read your post, I cringe and wince and actually feel pain myself, and here's why. You sound SO much like I do, when I am under the impression/illusion that I am over her, and thinking my way through a possible chance to still be in her life, or to 'understand' things better so that I will be more over her and perhaps, more able to break free from my attachment to her, somehow. On my part, it all comes from not really being free or over her, and still wishing there were a connection, and longing for it. My intuition, and just reading your words carefully, tells me that this may be the case for you, though I cannot know, of course.

What I do know is this, from reading this board: those who have finally gotten over their attachment to the ex--really and truly, and who have lived to tell about it--do NOT want to remain in contact in any way. I haven't seen any examples of this being otherwise.

Given this, I wonder about your ultimate motivations, conscious or subconscious. If I had to bet money, I'd say that you aren't as over her as you think/feel.

   

[nylonsquid]

You come back just to listen to her but yet with an ulterior motive (to satisfy your curiosity about who she is/was, who her dad was ...). It sounds NOBLE or compassionate at first but I question its effectiveness and true altruism.

I know you want to comfort her, to be the hero, the rescuer, and perhaps to be her lover again. Don't go there. Be best to let bygones be bygones. You told her your condolence and that is very sufficient.

She can find comfort and support in those who are still within her circle, your innocent injection of yourself in the middle of this emotion serves only to confuse her and you more about the status of your r.s.. Additionally, you might give out the hope that things could work out now. ...

Unless you want to come back then just walk away.

I wouldn't call what I'm doing noble or compassionate. My motive is to discover who the person I was with really is. While in the r/s I saw one person, after the break up I started unravelling the mysteries. There's more to go; About her childhood and about her relationship with her dad.

If she gets confused of our r/s then so be it. I frankly don't care what she thinks because pwBPDs get hurt regardless. I've been an angel to her and that still hurt her so I'm not trying to win anything over. Or maybe I am but then I would just go BPD on her, dump her and play the victim role.

Giving her 'support' over her tragedy gives me the chance to ask more questions about her dad. It's almost over. I get the feeling she's fishing for new supply so I'm already prepared for another (4th now?) guy in the picture. Honestly, I think it's hilarious. If she's not texting me and seeing me daily then she definitely has someone. BPDs can't self soothe.

[zen]

So, where do you guys see me at now? I'm curious what stage I'm at.

Still enmeshed. Which is okay, if that's your process.

But the idea that you are going to figure out her behaviour or use her as a case study in human behaviour doesn't respect that you did care for her, you did have a relationship with her and you are putting your own health and growth at risk. BTDT.

I did d a re-engagement attempt and there were good things about it that I took away. But at the same time...that was energy I was putting backwards, not forwards. One day I hope you will have all or nearly all relationships where you are not having to defend yourself against someone else's crazy. You deserve that in your life.

[nylonsquid]

Hi Slowlybutsurely  Hi!

Thanks so much for your response! From your reply I can tell you have a big 

But when I read your post, I cringe and wince and actually feel pain myself, and here's why. You sound SO much like I do, when I am under the impression/illusion that I am over her, and thinking my way through a possible chance to still be in her life, or to 'understand' things better so that I will be more over her and perhaps, more able to break free from my attachment to her, somehow.

I could be under the same illusion but the difference is I haven't been thinking about how to get her back in any way. I let her be. I just respond enough to what she gives me. Like when she texts out of the blue when she sees a random pic of a silhouetted girl on my Instagram "I take everything back, you don't care about me at all!" I just respond with: "How come?" And just laugh my buttocks off at the absurdity. Then I text her after the weekend "Hope you had a good weekend" Which is what she'd text me after dumping me. You know.. abuse. There's some pleasure in it. When she comes in, I'll just throw a little back and play victim. I haven't been effected from all this so I seem okay with it. But I don't think this will go on for too long. I just need a few more answers before I saw goodbye and not care at all. Funny thing is she's the one who keeps blocking me from social apps to hurt me. Anything I do on there is hurtful to her so she blocks me to avoid getting hurt.

Given this, I wonder about your ultimate motivations, conscious or subconscious. If I had to bet money, I'd say that you aren't as over her as you think/feel.

You could be right. I'm going to find out. Last few visits I haven't seen or felt anything so that's good. I saw her as an empty person and I felt like I meant nothing to her and I'm just a vessel for her as well. I cannot actually have feelings for a person who feels that about me. I just had mistaken what she gave for actual love.

[nylonsquid]

@Zen

Enmeshed? That's concerning to me. Maybe I should take a step back. This might be the last time I engage her then. She's already said we should meet after I told her I'm open to talk about her loss so I'll probably do that. I'll try to get my answers and that's it.

Thanks, Zen!

[Slowlybutsurely]

I just need a few more answers before I saw goodbye and not care at all.

I totally get this, oh do I. I broke up with her and got back together... are you ready for this?...over 15 times before I finally had my answers. Yup.  Once I had the answer, I really had it, though. But it took that long for me, so there you go.

 

[truly amazed]

Hi Nylon,

Contact vs No contact ... betrayl vs normal behaviour ?

I too had a journey like yours in many ways, however my ex I now know had moved on prior to our relationship being over, she had been grooming the replacement for over 12 months. An aside. She just like yours kept the replacement alive during the period she didn't know whether it would work out ... that was me ... until I slammed the door on this.

Like everyone we all search for answers and yes I got a lot of help via this contact and being able to see BPD at work. Being honest it was not about this search I wanted her back in the back of my mind, still cared for her despite the abuse and was still in the FOG when I was allowing it. Oh and she pulled ever card to get contact mind you from kids in trouble to a suicide threat. So be honest your motives and understand something which I actually did even then I had been betrayed lied to cheated on and this was just post RS let alone the abuse during the relationship.

Personally would urge extreme caution having contact as time and time again we read on these threads contact rarely if ever ends well. This is from virtually every person the ex BPD partner normally turns when they have what they want and your toast. For myself every contact I went from white to black sometimes without interaction and it sent me BACKWARDS not forwards every time until I was ready to totally let go and it was the last contact I allowed for any reason.

Searching for closure via someone mentally ill is not an option. The answer one week will be one thing the next its your fault, the next yet another. Being able to stand back for me and not be destroyed was only possible the very last time when she was very disturbed and having a rage session against her new boyfriend in front of me, talking of hurting herself and then of all things she tried to get me as her secret lover   This after cheating and betraying me ? Oh really.

Each of course to their own and I am sure my words will not convince you of the hundreds of threads here on this site about how badly contact usually ends up.

Oh and forgot, my ex's mother passed just 10 days ago after a few months fighting with lung cancer. Her mother was kind to me post relationship and talked to me for hours to help me over what had been done. She understood and had seen it before. I did not go to the funeral as it would have caused mayhem, I chose not to see her directly when she was sick as again it would have caused the ex to go nuts. I said a prayer for her a lot of times and will miss her passing. But I have no desire to see the ex despite this.
Her mother would have fully understood this.

Take care and good luck  

[seeking balance]

We will all know what stage you are at in time.

Are you strong enough to not fall back once she is vulnerable with you and you with her - I mean, this is a loaded topic (death of a parent); expect a loaded bond from both of you.

So you talk about emotions around losing a parent - then what?

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